Verging on having a breakdown due to my relationship

[littleruby]

I really need some help as I'm massively struggling with my husband. I don't want to break up but I just can't cope any more and I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to get up in the morning as I can't face each day now.

I've been married for 5 years and we have two children age 5 and 8 who are lovely. I work as a nurse four days a week, two of which are half days. My husband runs his own business. His work is such that he is sometimes away on business around the country so I have had to engineer my hours and childcare so I can essentially single handedly sort the children. They go to a childminder one day a week, he gets them one day and I sort the rest. I do everything else for them. I get up at 7am to get ready for work and sort the children for school. My husband lies in bed whilst I am doing this and usually as I am about to leave with the kids, he gets up and starts his work. When I am doing a long day at work and collect the children from the childminder afterwards and get home, I then sort the children for the evening and get them to bed whilst my husband usually sits on his computer 'working'. He doesn't play any role in the the morning or bedtime routine. He'll occasionally sort meals for us. He doesn't really do any housework or cleaning and we don't have a cleaner. He doesn't help the children with any of their school work but does occasionally take them to their after school clubs. (so essentially acts as a bit of a taxi service and that's probably about all!)

I think I've just coped with this for years now. From time to time I get really upset about it, particularly in the morning when I'm tired, the children are moaning about school and he's just lying in bed. Then I'll make a comment and he'll accuse me of nagging. I've told him he's more like a grandparent to the children and not a father but again I just get accused of being mean and going on at him and I'll be the one that comes out being made to feel like the nagging wife. .. Things will change for about a week after these discussions and then they will just go back to how they are now.
He earns a lot more than me but I have a lot more job security and we have been reliant on my income in previous difficult times. I realise that he needs extra time in the evenings looking for work etc but often in the mornings he is just lying in bed reading the news and looking on facebook. I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning, it's really hard.

I think what has brought things to a head in the last week is that I have been ill. Since we have been married I don't think I've been ill once. One morning this week I was trying to redial the doctors 100 times whilst get the kids breakfast ready whilst my husband was in bed. And then this morning just when I need a lie in after working all week , the children came in at 7:15 and rather than get up with them and let me have a rest he screamed at them that it wasn't the morning and they should have some respect and go back to bed (this is their normal waking time) As such I am downstairs with them whilst he's asleep.

Obviously this doesn't paint a great picture and there are good times! We do lots as a family together and he is great fun and the children love him. I just feel I'm starting to become very emotionally detached now due to the lack of support from him. I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change. I honestly feel like I'm drowning. There's so much to do here, the house is a state, the children need looking after, I feel ill and my husband is in bed. God I sound completely pathetic. Thank you for listening and I'm very grateful for your advice as to whether I can actually help my husband change his behaviour xx

@SleepingBunnies21

If you divorce him, get a forensic account, since he had his own business.

Coming on to say this as self employed can have all sorts of ways of hiding money. Other option if you don't want to divorce is take a career break and while your dc are in school have some kind of life for yourself. Let him earn all the money and your job will still be there to go back to. Go to counselling on your own as they will help you discover what you really want and just give you space for yourself and help you find your voice in a way that may be listened to. As a nurse you are used to caring and in my experience these kind of men take advantage of you due to your fabulous hearts and good nature. Counselling can help you to kick some ass that just might make him wake up. He might not be as brave if the reality of losing his family was brought right to his door. He has tuned you out so a counsellor may help you get heard. Even you going might smarten him up a bit.

Goodness he is a cunt. Get him to read this thread or just your Post. Then leave him.
Bloody hell.

@littleruby
I feel your pain, this was me just over 2 years ago.
I'm sorry I have no advice. It only got better after I said I wanted out (other issues helped like him cheating)
I just cracked on and my mind was cleared of thinking "why is he not giving me a hand?"

but often in the mornings he is just lying in bed reading the news and looking on facebook. I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning, it's really hard.

This is literally my husband, with kids the same age. I cannot fathom how he can lie there while I am racing around trying to get everything sorted, and especially on days when I've got important work stuff straight after. Tbh our marriage is dead now and I am plotting my way out. Not just this mind, but it's in there.

This

What it really boils down to is that people who love you don’t sit (or lay) on their arse and watch you exhaust yourself mentally and physically day after day after day.

That’s really the bottom line. Someone who loves you wants to look after you, they want to make sure you’re happy and healthy, they want to get up with the kids and let you have a lie in when you’re not well. They want to do these things, even though sometimes it means them picking up more of the slack - because they see you, hear you and value you.

Yes sometimes relationships fall out of balance when everyone is busy and working and kids need sorting 24/7 - but overall you should know that you are a team and that you will both work to
Bring things back to a fair level.

Your DH doesn’t sound like he sees you as a team, he doesn’t sound like he values you much at all tbh.

You’re giving everything, for what? Someone who won’t even get out of bed at 7am (that’s late for most parent) when you’re ill.

Life’s too short OP, you should value yourself enough to know you deserve more

Can you afford a cleaner and childminder to pick up kids in morning? If he won't help out then you need paid help full stop and stop doing housework.

You don't sound pathetic but he sounds rotten. Really selfish. If he was a great dad he'd be supporting you, not watching you struggle.

I bet if you go through with the threat of splitting up he'll step up but I also suspect it won't last.

I'd bin him but I know this is easier said than done...

I would seriously consider going away for a couple of weeks. Don’t tell him you’re going or where you are. Just let him know you’re safe and well, but you want him to learn what life as a single parent involves. This is how it would be for him if you move out, and you are taking time to give it some consideration. While you are gone, you want HIM to get his arse out of bed every day and get the kids to school on time with clean uniforms, lunches, etc. No sports, parties, appointments missed. House to be cleaned and all shopping and meals done by HIM. No call-outs to mothers, sad eyes to parents at school, etc. You want to come back to a clean house, clean sheets, and some fucking gratitude and continued participation in his family, or you’re out.

I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change

He's told you in plain language nothing is going to change, and is wn absolute dead weight. At least if you split up you would actually have some down time, and he would be forced to parent not lounge around in bed like a feckless teen.

LTB

Sounds like my SIL;her and her husband work full time;she works in a hospital so has really been through the mill too;her DH is exactly the same;he does precisely nothing in regards to the house and parenting;he treats her like a housekeeper/nanny.My eldest nephew has recently left for university.In 18 years her situation hasn't improved and I doubt it ever will.

It sounds as though him not being there won't make a difference to your current situation;you're doing it all alone anyway.

This reminds me of this blog post;never a truer word has been spoken here;you are the sacrificial woman.

www.facebook.com/1019711431407015/posts/liv-lets-call-her-liv-is-a-friend-of-mine-with-a-dumb-arse-husband-who-we-shall-/1740192509358900/

Yeah I mean I would just leave. It will never ever ever get better.
Why do men have children when they don’t seem to actually want them

OP,

He has told you clearly he doesn't give a shit about you.

It couldn't be any clearer.

Stop doing anything for this awful man and stop wasting your time trying to save a dead marriage.

Save yourself.

Get out.

I'm so angry in your behalf, I've been there with a man who was so fuckin selfish that I was on the verge of complete collapse.
I had it out with him, here is just a few of the questions I fired at him
Who does the washing
Who does the cooking
Who does the cleaning
Who does the shopping
Who unloads and loads the dishwasher
Who puts the bins out
Who baths the kids
Who brushes the kids teeth
Who does the ironing
Who sorts the kids birthdays
Who sorts everything for Christmas
Who buys the new school uniforms
Who takes the kids for new shoes
Who does parents evening
Who does the kids homework with them
Who cleans out the fridge
Etc etc etc..............
The answers were that I did it all and he couldn't argue one single fuckin issue!
I had to do it that way as I was dealing with a complete narcissist. He would argue in circles and totally fuck my head up ???
Straight forward facts that he couldn't dispute got me a better result.
He didn't like it one bit but there was no argument. He used to use "worries" as an action that he was consumed with. I gave him that list and told him I have to worry on top of all that.

This seems to be the reality for far too many of us women.
Unfortunately there was no way out because even handed evidence like the above he still couldn't shape himself. We split up 5 years ago, and whilst I still had everything to deal with it was so much easier to just crack on doing everything myself because I had no resentment buildup with a useless, lazy and selfish arse of a man sat in the sidelines. And I didn't have to put up with his moods either- but in all honesty I still can't figure out what the fuck he had to be in a mood about in the first place???

@thenewduchessofhastings - that Facebook post is bang on. I was “Liv.” Everyone felt sorry for my “poor husband.” I was the bitch, how could I break up the family, my own mother even took him in and he never had a good word to say about her before that. It was a disgrace how I was vilified. Women are always the devil leaving the poor sod heartbroken and destroyed blah blah blah. Gives me the utter rage

What would he do if you simply left for work in the morning before kids were up/got home after they’d been picked up? He helped make them so he needs to take 50% at least care of them. I learned to just stop doing it all. I did it all because it needed doing but then I just stopped - stopped the laundry, the cleaning and cooking for him. When he asked where his shirt was I’d say- in the laundry basket where you left it. He learned I wasn’t doing this anymore and that isn’t what I signed up for - full time work and drudgery.

@FMsucks sorry for everything you’ve gone through that all sounds horrific. I understand what you mean and that’s what I worry about, that I’ll be painted as the bad parent for causing a family separation when to everyone externally we are a ‘perfect’ family (apart from to my mum who has to put up with my frequent moaning and offloading which she must be getting bored of now…) I think just talking about it helps.

It does sound like there is very limited chance of him changing, particularly when I’m the past 8 years since having my first child I’ve raised these issues numerous times and there has been no sustained change.
The things is and I’m sure it’s the same for most mums that you just do what’s needed for the kids. My husband just says ‘ well I’d never get up at 6am for them’, but if that’s what time they wake up then some one has to! It’s not just the mornings, it’s everything else. It’s very difficult to keep loving someone that as you all say just doesn’t care. I don’t know if I see that coming back now.

@littleruby I do feel for you. I always recall my friend telling me to either accept my lot or do something about it. When I thought about it I knew this is not the life I wanted for myself. I wanted love, respect and kindness and instead I was accepting the few crumbs he would throw my way from time to time. You deserve better OP. You might not feel it right now as you can’t see the wood for the trees when you’re in the middle of it, it’s when you actually step away you’re utterly horrified at what you’ve accepted from your partner for years.

He also really needs to understand how much his marriage is in trouble. Mine refused to listen and by the time I had made my decision there was no turning back. I was done.

Keep talking and confiding in people. You will eventually come to a natural decision and will feel it in your bones but it takes time. I wish you well OP, you deserve all the good stuff in life x

Right.. so you have it from the horse‘s —arse— mouth, that he will never get up at 6am for them. Fine. Start texting him and asking him questions like this. You’ll be able to a) Prove he’s a selfish couch tumour and b) Use it in court.

It sounds really difficult, OP, and I can see why you are at breaking point. I hope you manage to make a change, either by re-educating your "D" H, or by leaving the lazy sexist so-and-so.

My husband just says ‘ well I’d never get up at 6am for them’, but if that’s what time they wake up then some one has to!

• just as an aside, this isn't actually true. As a child, I wasn't allowed to get up before my parents wanted to get up. I was allowed out of bed to go to the loo or get a drink of water, but that was it - it was straight back to bed and keep quiet, or there would be all hell to pay. I think you haven't been strict enough!

suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change

OP. Listen read this again. He has told you himself. Now it's upto you. You sound like a single mother or not far off anyway.

Hi OP I don’t think you sound pathetic at all. Just ill and overwhelmed. It sounds like you’ve discussed the sharing of the household and childcare load many times with your husband. He is not interested and is more than happy to leave it all to you. I think it’s decision time. You do everything anyway so separating wouldn’t mean your workload increases but it would mean you do f have to watch him doing his own thing while you struggle to do everything. I hope you feel better soon and strong enough to make some big decisions about your future x

I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change.

Like others this is the bit which has struck me.

It’s hard to hear but your Husband does not care if you are happy or not. No wonder you are on the verge of a breakdown.

You need to protect your own mental health so you can carry on with your job and being a good parent to your Dc, because he is not a good father or husband.

This is right @LizzieSiddal My own DH said to me in an argument a while ago, "I don't care if you're not happy." And for me, that's a pretty fundamental thing for someone you're supposed to love, to want them to be happy. I haven't been able to get past that. Other things have happened since then and I have ended up taking off my wedding rings. I don't know if he's noticed but he hasn't said anything. He's been trying to be the dad he should have always been this past couple of weeks, taking our eldest to play golf, taking him to the cinema, playing football with the youngest for ten minutes......as if any of that is enough. It really isn't.
OP you need to be happy yourself, not try to keep everyone else happy constantly. It is very very draining to your mental health and you MUST look after yourself xx