Verging on having a breakdown due to my relationship

[littleruby]

I really need some help as I'm massively struggling with my husband. I don't want to break up but I just can't cope any more and I'm getting to the point where I just don't want to get up in the morning as I can't face each day now.

I've been married for 5 years and we have two children age 5 and 8 who are lovely. I work as a nurse four days a week, two of which are half days. My husband runs his own business. His work is such that he is sometimes away on business around the country so I have had to engineer my hours and childcare so I can essentially single handedly sort the children. They go to a childminder one day a week, he gets them one day and I sort the rest. I do everything else for them. I get up at 7am to get ready for work and sort the children for school. My husband lies in bed whilst I am doing this and usually as I am about to leave with the kids, he gets up and starts his work. When I am doing a long day at work and collect the children from the childminder afterwards and get home, I then sort the children for the evening and get them to bed whilst my husband usually sits on his computer 'working'. He doesn't play any role in the the morning or bedtime routine. He'll occasionally sort meals for us. He doesn't really do any housework or cleaning and we don't have a cleaner. He doesn't help the children with any of their school work but does occasionally take them to their after school clubs. (so essentially acts as a bit of a taxi service and that's probably about all!)

I think I've just coped with this for years now. From time to time I get really upset about it, particularly in the morning when I'm tired, the children are moaning about school and he's just lying in bed. Then I'll make a comment and he'll accuse me of nagging. I've told him he's more like a grandparent to the children and not a father but again I just get accused of being mean and going on at him and I'll be the one that comes out being made to feel like the nagging wife. .. Things will change for about a week after these discussions and then they will just go back to how they are now.
He earns a lot more than me but I have a lot more job security and we have been reliant on my income in previous difficult times. I realise that he needs extra time in the evenings looking for work etc but often in the mornings he is just lying in bed reading the news and looking on facebook. I just don't understand how he can lie there doing this whilst watching me struggling trying to get the kids ready in the morning, it's really hard.

I think what has brought things to a head in the last week is that I have been ill. Since we have been married I don't think I've been ill once. One morning this week I was trying to redial the doctors 100 times whilst get the kids breakfast ready whilst my husband was in bed. And then this morning just when I need a lie in after working all week , the children came in at 7:15 and rather than get up with them and let me have a rest he screamed at them that it wasn't the morning and they should have some respect and go back to bed (this is their normal waking time) As such I am downstairs with them whilst he's asleep.

Obviously this doesn't paint a great picture and there are good times! We do lots as a family together and he is great fun and the children love him. I just feel I'm starting to become very emotionally detached now due to the lack of support from him. I have suggested counselling previously but he says he would never do this and that if I am unhappy in the relationship I should just move out and that he will never change. I honestly feel like I'm drowning. There's so much to do here, the house is a state, the children need looking after, I feel ill and my husband is in bed. God I sound completely pathetic. Thank you for listening and I'm very grateful for your advice as to whether I can actually help my husband change his behaviour xx

19Bears, it must absolutely torture to live with someone who doesn’t care about you. Hope you are looking after yourself.

@LizzieSiddal he thinks he does though!!!

I’m sorry I think he might change if you tell him you want a divorce and ask him to move out. Either way if he doesnt change you need to ltb.

LizzieSiddal he thinks he does though!!! confused

Well he’s gaslighting you because he told you in an argument that he does not care about your happiness. He can’t have it both ways.

Jesus, what a selfish idiot. How can he possibly think it's fair for you to do ALL childcare, night wakings and early mornings and all housework?

It sounds as if his ideas are too deeply entrenched to me now. He clearly not care about you at all - he sees you suffering and exhausted, yet does nothing.

I'd resent him so much that there would be no coming back from there.

I'd have one last talk with him, lay everything out very clearly, then if that doesn't change things I'd divorce him.

I would have one last talk and transfer some responsibility back on to him. I would tell him, if you not willing to do the physical work, why not hire someone else to help him do the job?

He would need to do this if you broke up anyway. Why not hire a cleaner, if you could afford it? What is the point of him earing a lot of money if you can't rest? You need to profit from this combined earnings of yours.

Well, I guess if you split up you'd at least get some downtime when the kids go to his.

I wouldn't put up with this personally. He sounds very very lazy. Is this what you want for your life?

@19bears oh that is so sad. I bet he would never say that to his parents or siblings or (hopefully not) children so how on earth can he think it’s ok to say that to you? It’s so difficult isn’t it as once you start looking at your husband differently, as I’m doing and realising I’ve married someone who actually isn’t kind or supportive, I think it’s going to be difficult to change that view.

Maybe it’s been a good thing that I’ve been ill this week as it is definitely going to act as a trigger for change. I’m going to sit down with him and talk about how unhappy I am and give him a chance to resolve things. To be honest I don’t feel hopeful though but I think I have to try and I feel braver doing this now after all of your comments. Thank you

I do believe there are some men that just don't see us as people.

I had my epiphany when I was struggling to believe he even loved me because his actions said he hated me.

I was brave enough to ask him if he still loved me and he said of course I do. And I asked him why. He said, I love you for all that you do for me.

That was the end right there. I was like an appliance to him. As long as I kept working for him, things were ok.

You hear of men leaving their wives when they get sick. That's the type that do. The ones that are just with you for what you do for them. When you stop being useful, they're gone.