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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH pretends to be ill. I think.

101 replies

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 13:48

Maybe I'm the worst person in the world but I just don't believe my DH when he says he's unwell

So my DC bought a stomach bug home from nursery and both me and my toddler spent the last couple of days being sick. I vomited all over the kitchen floor while trying to tend to my 6 month baby. Got the shakes. Felt freezing. Horrible.

My DH woke up this morning and announced he has come down with it. He's on the sofa sleeping leaving me to look after both kids but he ate noddles for lunch! (I can't look at food). And he just doesn't seem v ill. At all. Just sleepy and refusing to do anything. He keeps saying "I think I might be sick" and then getting a snack.

When we argue sometimes he says he's ill all of a sudden and lies on the sofa. Couple of weeks ago we had a big fight and then he said "my backs gone" and said he was in agony but then I saw him walk across the garden totally normally!

The relationship isn't good but hoping to persuade him to marriage counselling. I just wonder if anyone has come across this before or do I sound v mean not believing him?

OP posts:
DietCokeCoconutandLime · 08/10/2021 13:53

No, you don't sound mean. I'd be wondering the same thing. What does he think about marriage counselling?

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 13:55

He described the suggestion as a "betrayal" and then didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening.

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/10/2021 13:57

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom?

Tosser.
Honestly, I couldn't live with a whinging liar like him.

flowersmakeitbetter · 08/10/2021 13:58

What else is wrong with the relationship?

kittenkipping · 08/10/2021 14:22

I used to live and work with a guy that did this. Once I "caught" a sickness bug off my nephew- it was hangover, but I needed a decent excuse to tell my workplace (I realise how awful this is but I was young and foolish) my flat mate overheard me telling work this and a day later he caught it off me. Laying around with a sick bucket next to him groaning for days he was.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 14:24

@GiantHaystacks2021 How did you know? Yes he has his favourite manky gress dressing gown with a hood that he likes to wear.

The problem is its an impossible conversation and he just says "are you honestly suggesting I'm making things up" and basically looking shocked and hurt and I just back off.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 14:25

He's on the sofa sleeping leaving me to look after both kids but he ate noddles for lunch! (I can't look at food). And he just doesn't seem v ill. At all. Just sleepy and refusing to do anything.

What would happen if you decided to lie down on the sofa & refuse to do anything?

ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 14:27

@AnotherGo123

He described the suggestion as a "betrayal" and then didn't talk to me for the rest of the evening.
So ... truly & lovingly invested in your happiness & comfort, innit.

He's a lead-swinging, manipulative twat OP.

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/10/2021 14:30

He’s a hypochondriac and/or a malingerer. Basically, he’s taking the piss and showing you no consideration.

ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 14:31

The problem is its an impossible conversation and he just says "are you honestly suggesting I'm making things up" and basically looking shocked and hurt and I just back off.

"No, I'm honestly suggesting you are evading family responsibilities & expecting me to pick up your slack."

When he bites back defensively at that -
"You are expecting me to pick up your slack. You either accept how unfair that is, & make immediate changes, or it's marriage counselling, or it's divorce. Make a choice, because at least one of those things is going to be happening."

You have to mean it though.
And what's this about "feeling mean" for stating the fucking fact of his lazy avoidance & selfish assumption that you will always just cover for him?
He's the mean one - not you.

Buzlightyear1 · 08/10/2021 14:32

Aww my ex used to do this. In the end no joke he would list symptoms of heart attacks or stroke. I would just say well you need a ambulance then , he would get angry and shout cause I didn't care. To be fair bu then I didn't 🤣. Its a horrible thing to do to someone though. I dint know what the answer is but I ended up having this man removed by police for a completely different reason buy life is so.much better now. May be try to talk honestly about it ? But if he won't listen there isn't much you can do .

FluffyWhiteBird · 08/10/2021 14:32

The relationship isn't good but hoping to persuade him to marriage counselling

Don't bother. My ex was like this anything not going his way and he'd "have a stomach pain" never vomiting or diarrhoea, never too ill to go to work (workaholic). It was a manipulation tactic designed to get my attention off the valid point I'd be making and onto him, so he could play victim of germs and get sympathy, instead of having to have an adult conversation about his shit behaviour towards me.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 14:32

@ChargingBuck Well the baby just needed his nappy changing and I asked him to do it and he said "if I move I'll be sick, let alone change a nappy. I don't think you're being very sympathetic". I said well I've been unwell too and actually spent all night being sick (he slept 8 hours). He turned over and closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.

My baby has a dirty nappy so guess what... I changed it

I totally get what you're saying. Stop doing stuff for him. But the kids suffer. They need stuff doing for them constantly

I don't know what I'm so sure he makes it up but I just am. He feels v sorry for himself most of the time

OP posts:
GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/10/2021 14:32

This particular breed of 'man' always wear the d o d.

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 14:35

I'd constantly be saying things like "oh you're lucky you haven't been sick" or "oh why don't you fuck off out my way you annoying prick go on up to bed so the kids don't disturb you"---- followed by "you must be a couple of days behind the rest of us".

Then, when you're ready to eat again, order you and the kids a lovely Indian/Chinese whatever and when he asks where his is just say "oh you said you were really poorly and would be sick if you moved so I assumed you didn't want anyway. Shall I get you some dry toast?" Smile

frozendaisy · 08/10/2021 14:38

Don't you say
"Throwing up on the kitchen floor is ill, sleeping on the couch and getting snacks isn't even in the same ball park"

See what happens?

ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 14:40

Fucksake Another ... Flowers

How breathtakingly selfish & dismissive.
He doesn't have a single ounce of compassion for you.

Frankly, I wouldn't bother with marriage counselling. It's not going to make him less selfish, less immature, less of a liar, or less sexist in his assumption that you are the default parent.
No amount of counselling can effect that much change - & even if it could, he doesn't want to change.
Why would he? All he has to do is go back to sleep when his wife tells him she was up being sick all night.
He doesn't give a shit - & that won't change.

You say you "don't know why I am so sure he makes it up" - it's clear to see he's making it up! But when you are genuinely unwell, whatTF does he do to help & support you?

Fuck-all, am I right?

If you divorced him, he's have to do solo parenting every other weekend.
And you would no longer have to stomach his lies, manipulation, & uselessness.

KillerFlamingo · 08/10/2021 14:41

I feel your pain. Literally every time I say I don't feel well or need a nap, he always mysteriously feels ill too and is so tired.

Why can't I just be poorly on my own for once while he looks after his own sodding child! Angry

SylvanasWindrunner · 08/10/2021 14:41

I have a friend like this. Her husband is always 'ill' - in bed for days on end, all weekend (playing shite on his phone no doubt and avoiding having to do any childcare or parenting). Yet seemingly able to hold down a job and never has to cancel the weekends away he has booked.

It doesn't get better.

Starlive23 · 08/10/2021 14:46

@girlmom21

I'd constantly be saying things like "oh you're lucky you haven't been sick" or "oh why don't you fuck off out my way you annoying prick go on up to bed so the kids don't disturb you"---- followed by "you must be a couple of days behind the rest of us".

Then, when you're ready to eat again, order you and the kids a lovely Indian/Chinese whatever and when he asks where his is just say "oh you said you were really poorly and would be sick if you moved so I assumed you didn't want anyway. Shall I get you some dry toast?" Smile

This 100% Love it!
Goldbar · 08/10/2021 14:46

Yup. He's malingering. Question is, what are you going to do about it? I can think of a few things, but it depends how nuclear you want to go.

Starlive23 · 08/10/2021 14:51

Oh lord OP I feel your pain. DH came down with covid, as did our baby and 3 yo, I cooked, cleaned, looked after kids, nipped out to get him ice cream. The lo and behold I tested positive and his symptoms came back with a vengeance the very same day I tested positive. Took himself off to the loft to play his PS5 while I carried on with one poorly baby and a toddler who was climbing the walls then skipped back to work fit as a fucking fiddle. I'm not saying he wasn't ill, he was bad for a few days honestly, but the look of panic in his eyes when my test came back positive told me all I needed to know and sent him skuttling off to play fifa while I ran around like Mrs Mop. I hate to say this but it's really pissed me off but I can't say he wasn't ill even though I know he'd milked it beyond belief.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 08/10/2021 14:54

My ex used to do this. In the end I told him about my period pains, only didnt mention they were period related. Lo and behold he had pains and cramps within a couple of hours. He said "I must have caught it off you" I said "what period pains? You can't catch them you lying sack of shit"

layladomino · 08/10/2021 14:58

I came on to say pretty much the same as @girlmom21

Organise a great day out for you and the DCs - one he'd love - but of course he won't want to go as he's ill. Followed by a meal out / takeaway, all not including him.

If he's genuinely ill he won't mind being left out (so no harm done). If he's putting it on, well that's payback.

Imarriedaviking · 08/10/2021 15:04

HerRoyalRisesAgain

My ex used to do this every damn month, then hot flushes during 'manopause' !