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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH pretends to be ill. I think.

101 replies

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 13:48

Maybe I'm the worst person in the world but I just don't believe my DH when he says he's unwell

So my DC bought a stomach bug home from nursery and both me and my toddler spent the last couple of days being sick. I vomited all over the kitchen floor while trying to tend to my 6 month baby. Got the shakes. Felt freezing. Horrible.

My DH woke up this morning and announced he has come down with it. He's on the sofa sleeping leaving me to look after both kids but he ate noddles for lunch! (I can't look at food). And he just doesn't seem v ill. At all. Just sleepy and refusing to do anything. He keeps saying "I think I might be sick" and then getting a snack.

When we argue sometimes he says he's ill all of a sudden and lies on the sofa. Couple of weeks ago we had a big fight and then he said "my backs gone" and said he was in agony but then I saw him walk across the garden totally normally!

The relationship isn't good but hoping to persuade him to marriage counselling. I just wonder if anyone has come across this before or do I sound v mean not believing him?

OP posts:

Original poster

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 15:05

@girlmom21

I'd constantly be saying things like "oh you're lucky you haven't been sick" or "oh why don't you fuck off out my way you annoying prick go on up to bed so the kids don't disturb you"---- followed by "you must be a couple of days behind the rest of us".

Then, when you're ready to eat again, order you and the kids a lovely Indian/Chinese whatever and when he asks where his is just say "oh you said you were really poorly and would be sick if you moved so I assumed you didn't want anyway. Shall I get you some dry toast?"

He just said he reckoned he will feel well enough to get fish and chips later.

It's so transparent.

OP posts:

1forAll74 · 08/10/2021 15:08

I think that there are many lead swinging people around, they tend to copy other peoples ailments, I don't know why, but it is a fact with some people, maybe they are needy and wanting attention all the time, despite seeing other people in the house who are ill. You can generally tell if someone is genuinely ill, or not, instead of doing performance stuff.

SarahMused · 08/10/2021 15:08

He’s like a child so treat him like one. If he wants you to believe he is ill with a stomach bug he goes to bed and stays there and doesn’t eat anything. As soon as he appears in the kitchen to get food celebrate his recovery by handing over the kids and taking your turn for a sleep. Often when my husband says he is ill he still seems to be well enough to work and do the things he enjoys, just not the boring necessary things. I only take any notice if he stops eating, that means it is serious. Anything else he needs to pull his weight.

Original poster

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 15:09

@ChargingBuck You are right. I know you are.

As an aside we were talking about Monica Lewinsky a few days ago (Bill Clinton was on the telly) and I said "I can't believe she was only 19 when she started work at the White House" and he said "ah but she was one of those little lolita types". And I was nearly sick. Again.

I think he's vile.

Every day I'm shocked that this is the man I have chosen. I'm so angry with myself.

OP posts:

Gurgledrain · 08/10/2021 15:13

So we all make mistakes, some more than others, don't have any more children with this man.

Pollywants · 08/10/2021 15:20

My XH used to do this to avoid family life. Every weekend he claimed illness.

It got to the point of ridiculous where after one 'sick' weekend he went away on a work trip on the Monday. By Wed/Thurs he was calling me and telling all the fun things he had done while away. I said, I guess you're feeling better then. He didn't know what I was talking about because he had completely forgotten that once again he had lied and said he was ill the weekend before...

AuntyFungal · 08/10/2021 15:20

How can you feel attraction for such a lazy manipulative man child?

You’re just the house elf.

WizardOfAus · 08/10/2021 15:20

@Starlive23

Oh lord OP I feel your pain. DH came down with covid, as did our baby and 3 yo, I cooked, cleaned, looked after kids, nipped out to get him ice cream. The lo and behold I tested positive and his symptoms came back with a vengeance the very same day I tested positive. Took himself off to the loft to play his PS5 while I carried on with one poorly baby and a toddler who was climbing the walls then skipped back to work fit as a fucking fiddle. I'm not saying he wasn't ill, he was bad for a few days honestly, but the look of panic in his eyes when my test came back positive told me all I needed to know and sent him skuttling off to play fifa while I ran around like Mrs Mop. I hate to say this but it's really pissed me off but I can't say he wasn't ill even though I know he'd milked it beyond belief.

I would lose all respect for my DH if he acted like this and would seriously consider divorce.

It’s not a good sign for your future. He’ll likely turn out to be one of those subhuman men who abandons their wife when she’s diagnosed with cancer or becomes seriously ill.

In his eyes, you’ll be Mrs Mop, the faulty appliance, who can no longer tend to his every need. Therefore, he’ll have no use for you and off he’ll go.

It’s a THING. Read about it here:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mobile.reuters.com/article/amp/idUSTRE5AB0C520091112

Original poster

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 15:22

God. This faking illness thing seems quite common. I just can't believe that someone could just make it up. Doesn't he think to himself how awful he is?!

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 08/10/2021 15:22

@AnotherGo123 ugh I can't imagine anything worse than battered fish if I've been feeling sick all day. He's such a prick.

Did you respond with "good news that you definitely haven't caught what we had then. You can take the kids to the park first thing while I catch up on some rest. I need it after being so poorly and doing all the childcare while you recovered"?

Pollywants · 08/10/2021 15:23

OP - don't be angry at yourself for choosing him. I bet he did a good job pretending to be something else until he hooked you.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 08/10/2021 15:24

@AnotherGo123

God. This faking illness thing seems quite common. I just can't believe that someone could just make it up. Doesn't he think to himself how awful he is?!

Yeah, but the thing is - he doesn't care.

Justmuddlingalong · 08/10/2021 15:26

Suggest he goes to bed. The only thing worse than living with a malingering prick, is having to actually watch the malingering in action.

Salayes · 08/10/2021 15:35

I don’t know how they do it either, it’s so deeply unattractive, acting like a naughty little boy skiving off school while mummy takes care of them. Fish and chips? Honestly i’d be asking him if he was deliberately taking the piss, as others have said, no one wants fucking battered fish if they feel sick!

Original poster

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 15:42

I would be gone tomorrow but I think he will be an even worse XH than a DH. And an even worse Co parent.

I earn more than him and look after all the money and bills. I'd be fine on my own. But he will make my life hell. And the poor DC.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 08/10/2021 15:49

Come on, time to leave this man. He is a complete waste of time.

I know it means that he won't pull his weight with the children but he doesn't do that anyway does he?

Pollywants · 08/10/2021 15:52

Mine had to be forced into having one kid one night per week....so you may not get the breaks you need.

Or he might try to claim 50-50 care so he doesn't have to pay much support like my XBIL did. Who knows?

It's so hard being married to these kinds of men.

ChargingBuck · 08/10/2021 15:54

@AnotherGo123

I would be gone tomorrow but I think he will be an even worse XH than a DH. And an even worse Co parent.

I earn more than him and look after all the money and bills. I'd be fine on my own. But he will make my life hell. And the poor DC.

Hey, stop being angry with yourself - most of us have had relationships like this, it's not our fault, that lies squarely with the lazy manchildren we dated/married.

It may feel daunting now, but I don't see how you can carry on, especially post Lewinsky-Remarkgate. There are ways to ensure that he can't make your life hell, & PP here plus a damn fine lawyer will help you adopt tactics to protect yourself.

You don't have to do anything immediate.
But start by allowing yourself to daydream ... you hold all the cards - financially, practically, personally ... what life do you want to make for you & DC?

HyacynthBucket · 08/10/2021 16:08

You can do a lot better than this OP. Why is he even still there? Because you let him stay, and treat you like this - so unkind and selfish. I am constantly amazed at how many bright clever resourceful women with their own income and sometimes home, let these useless selfish creeps stay in their lives. If you did soldier on with him somehow, you will be showing your DC a disastrous relationship model that will affect their partner choices in later life too. You can treat yourself with respect and consideration, even if he doesn't. You deserve much better. Hope you feel better soon.

Pollywants · 08/10/2021 16:09

Oh, so you earn more and do most all the family work? He's got it made!

SnowLeaf · 08/10/2021 16:14

How can you stay with a man who you know will make you and your DC's life hell if you ever broke up?

^ And I bet he knows you know that, so that is his Ace card. He sounds absolutely awful.

As above, see a lawyer to get some facts. Very important, you may find you have lots of positives in your position and you can avoid the negatives. Don't let him become a sicky SAHD so you would have to pay maintenance to him! Plus you may find there are different ways you can minimise his being a nasty little jerk after any separation or divorce. If I were you I'd be getting my ducks in a row (no rush but one step at a time :)).

While you are young and your children are young is the time you can start building a new life for you and them.

Don't let this D.O.D. excuse for a man hold you hostage.

Look to the future!

SnowLeaf · 08/10/2021 16:16

Agree Hyacinth. But the fact that OP posting (even if its just about his lazy selfish imaginery 'health' issues) means she's on to him, and the floodgates of realisation open!

HerrenaHarridan · 08/10/2021 16:17

Your dc are watching you have this relationship

Do you want to watch them recreate this with their future partners?

You deserve happiness and they deserve a better example of relationships to model theirs on

PyjamaFan · 08/10/2021 16:19

He sounds awful OP. What is he adding to your life? Anything positive at all?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/10/2021 16:20

@HerrenaHarridan

Your dc are watching you have this relationship

Do you want to watch them recreate this with their future partners?

You deserve happiness and they deserve a better example of relationships to model theirs on

Please don't lose sight of this. I don't know how old the kids are but this is modelling a really unhealthy and unfair relationship dynamic to them and the longer you stay with him, the more damaging it will be for them.

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