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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH pretends to be ill. I think.

101 replies

AnotherGo123 · 08/10/2021 13:48

Maybe I'm the worst person in the world but I just don't believe my DH when he says he's unwell

So my DC bought a stomach bug home from nursery and both me and my toddler spent the last couple of days being sick. I vomited all over the kitchen floor while trying to tend to my 6 month baby. Got the shakes. Felt freezing. Horrible.

My DH woke up this morning and announced he has come down with it. He's on the sofa sleeping leaving me to look after both kids but he ate noddles for lunch! (I can't look at food). And he just doesn't seem v ill. At all. Just sleepy and refusing to do anything. He keeps saying "I think I might be sick" and then getting a snack.

When we argue sometimes he says he's ill all of a sudden and lies on the sofa. Couple of weeks ago we had a big fight and then he said "my backs gone" and said he was in agony but then I saw him walk across the garden totally normally!

The relationship isn't good but hoping to persuade him to marriage counselling. I just wonder if anyone has come across this before or do I sound v mean not believing him?

OP posts:
littlegiant · 08/10/2021 21:41

@AnotherGo123

I would be gone tomorrow but I think he will be an even worse XH than a DH. And an even worse Co parent.

I earn more than him and look after all the money and bills. I'd be fine on my own. But he will make my life hell. And the poor DC.

I can relate
Rainbowqueeen · 08/10/2021 21:45

Focus on getting your ducks in a row. Talk to a therapist about your feelings of guilt over the DC.

Read up on the threats these kind of men make when they realise their cushy lives are coming to an end. Read up on grey rock technique. There is a way forward and you and the DC can have a wonderful life together

Crabbyboot · 08/10/2021 21:48

This reminds me of my ex husband who used to get conveniently ill every time I wanted to go to a family event. And he would either stay at home or sit there sulking about his stomach ache the whole time. He used to call in sick from work as well after I'd worked extra shifts at work as he knew the extra money I'd earned would cover it.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 08/10/2021 21:54

tell him to get to fuck

vile excuse for a man, let alone someone in a relationship with responsibilities

Newmum29 · 08/10/2021 22:01

I’m sorry but he sounds awful. I just can’t see how he could think you’d find him attractive after that. My partner is so good with our baby and it’s those kind of things that make him sexy. Sorting dinner, cleaning the house, getting up to give me a lie in.

Faking illness is pathetic and unfortunately really common. I would totally leave him to it. Grey rock. Don’t engage when he’s acting like a toddler.

heymammy · 08/10/2021 22:03

@AnotherGo123

He must have picked up on something or started feeling guilty because he suddenly pulled himself off the sofa and started asking what do I want for Christmas and how much he appreciates me blah blah blah. When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice Angry

Bleuggh.

The only response to that is "oh fuck off you utter prick"
Sweetpeasaremadeofcheese · 08/10/2021 22:16

You deserve better Flowers

MrsMose911 · 08/10/2021 22:22

What a dickhead sounds like you'd be better off without him,lazy weirdo. Hope things get better.

FluffyWhiteBird · 08/10/2021 22:43

@AnotherGo123

He must have picked up on something or started feeling guilty because he suddenly pulled himself off the sofa and started asking what do I want for Christmas and how much he appreciates me blah blah blah. When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice Angry

Bleuggh.

The have a sixth sense for when you're considering leaving and they go on their best behaviour and start acting cutesy to make you fall in love with them again (he's acting like a child and appealing to your mothering instincts). Then when you do and stop thinking about leaving, they go back to being a total dick within weeks. After a while you get fed up with the fights and arguments and their utter uselessness and your grinding exhaustion from shouldering the whole load, so you start thinking about leaving...and so the cycle continues forever. Unless you do actually leave.
GiantHaystacks2021 · 09/10/2021 00:32

Oh my god he's an absolute twat.
What a lazy, daft, manipulative prick he is.

Bellyups · 09/10/2021 00:36

My ex used to do this.
It was because he was a lazy bastard. One of the MANY reasons he’s an ex

foxgoosefinch · 09/10/2021 00:38

DD’s dad is like this. Even DD (8) has noticed that neither of us can so much as have a minor cold without him also suddenly being “ill” without fail. He hates it if I rick my back (I have an underlying condition), as he can’t pretend to catch it. He’ll claim he’s “unwell” with something else within 48 hours though.

It’s fucking tedious, these manbabies. My female ex-partners never did this. Men can be shit.

timeisnotaline · 09/10/2021 01:00

@AnotherGo123

He must have picked up on something or started feeling guilty because he suddenly pulled himself off the sofa and started asking what do I want for Christmas and how much he appreciates me blah blah blah. When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice Angry

Bleuggh.

Bleugh total ick
blessedbethechocolate · 09/10/2021 02:28

My ex was like this to the point he had the midwives running round getting him things while I was in labour as he had a migraine and I was mean as I didn't understand or care about the pain he was in. Hmm He spent the whole time wrapped in a blanket playing on his phone.

He also took himself to bed Ill leaving me to look after our three children as soon as I got home from surgery.

He now lives back with his mum who treats him like a baby. He never has the kids.

immersivereader · 09/10/2021 02:34

It's more hard work pretending to be ill than actually being ill

Aquamarine1029 · 09/10/2021 02:36

This environment is so toxic for your children, and their future choices will be massively influenced by the dysfunction they witness within your marriage. The best thing you could ever do for your kids is to get out of there and get mentally healthy.

Original poster
AnotherGo123 · 09/10/2021 08:23

Wow. Well the consensus here is a) he's definitely not unwell when he says he is b) he gives everyone the ick. Grin

Can't say I disagree.

He is deeply troubled in a lot of ways. He had told me before in a moment of honesty that he feels "stupid all of the time" that he is worried he's a "loser" (he has v little ambition or ability to get anything done). He also gets incredibly anxious over tiny little things and obsesses over them .

Hence me looking after him. Hence him acting like a child all of the time.

But also he can get real nasty when I express anything.

Basically my role is to look after him in every possible way.

Anyway, I know there is only way out of the loop. I read divorce threads with such fear. Courts, lawyers, loss of home, kids going on holidays with unhinged exhs. It doesn't sound like a bed of roses you know.

OP posts:
SantanaBinLorry · 09/10/2021 09:05

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

My ex used to do this. In the end I told him about my period pains, only didnt mention they were period related. Lo and behold he had pains and cramps within a couple of hours. He said "I must have caught it off you" I said "what period pains? You can't catch them you lying sack of shit"
Ha! My ex used to tag onto my illnesses... I lost my shit when he tried to claim he had really bad heartburn too. NO YOU FUCKING DONT, YOUR NOT 9 MONTHS PREGNANT! launches gaviscon bottle
Evesgarden · 09/10/2021 09:09

@HerRoyalRisesAgain

My ex used to do this. In the end I told him about my period pains, only didnt mention they were period related. Lo and behold he had pains and cramps within a couple of hours. He said "I must have caught it off you" I said "what period pains? You can't catch them you lying sack of shit"
This has really made me laugh Grin

OP he is taking the piss.Its funny how women just have to push on when they are ill but men get the time to 'recover'

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/10/2021 09:19

The very thought of him gives me the ick 🤢🤮🤢

Cherrysoup · 09/10/2021 09:47

He’s making your life hell now, how could it be worse?!

FluffyWhiteBird · 09/10/2021 11:57

If you split, the most he'll have the DC is 50% that's worse case scenario and unlikely. So worse case scenario is DC get to see what a healthy relationship looks like 50% of the time. They get to see the comparison between life in both households. Even at a young age they know what they prefer and as soon as they're old enough to choose they mostly seems to choose not staying at useless dad's. Sometimes having to parent alone makes the dad step up and be a proper parent. Sometimes they find another mug woman to look after DC have a relationship with. It's not guaranteed to be a shit show. DC are likely to grow up with issues from watching the current dynamic play out, thinking it's acceptable and not knowing it doesn't have to be this way. I feel for you. It's not a easy decision to come to. Once your eyes have started opening though, you can't unsee his true self and return to pretending everything is fine, it doesn't work. Sooner or later you'll snap and run out of patience. Get yourself ready for when that day comes.

SunshineCake1 · 09/10/2021 12:38

I doubt he'd see the kids much. Too much like hard work.

category12 · 09/10/2021 13:05

Anyway, I know there is only way out of the loop. I read divorce threads with such fear. Courts, lawyers, loss of home, kids going on holidays with unhinged exhs. It doesn't sound like a bed of roses you know.

No, of course not, but you have to think about the model of relationships you're showing your kids now as well. this is their normal. Do you have daughters? Do you want them to grow up and recreate this relationship in their own lives? Do you have sons? Do you want them to grow up and treat their partners the way he treats you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/10/2021 14:56

@category12

Anyway, I know there is only way out of the loop. I read divorce threads with such fear. Courts, lawyers, loss of home, kids going on holidays with unhinged exhs. It doesn't sound like a bed of roses you know.

No, of course not, but you have to think about the model of relationships you're showing your kids now as well. this is their normal. Do you have daughters? Do you want them to grow up and recreate this relationship in their own lives? Do you have sons? Do you want them to grow up and treat their partners the way he treats you?

This.

They can live under the same roof as someone who is an unhealthy influence 100% of the time OR a maximum of 50% of the time - and let's be honest, it'll be less than that because he won't be arsed to make the effort to coparent equally.