DH pretends to be ill. I think.

[AnotherGo123]

Maybe I'm the worst person in the world but I just don't believe my DH when he says he's unwell

So my DC bought a stomach bug home from nursery and both me and my toddler spent the last couple of days being sick. I vomited all over the kitchen floor while trying to tend to my 6 month baby. Got the shakes. Felt freezing. Horrible.

My DH woke up this morning and announced he has come down with it. He's on the sofa sleeping leaving me to look after both kids but he ate noddles for lunch! (I can't look at food). And he just doesn't seem v ill. At all. Just sleepy and refusing to do anything. He keeps saying "I think I might be sick" and then getting a snack.

When we argue sometimes he says he's ill all of a sudden and lies on the sofa. Couple of weeks ago we had a big fight and then he said "my backs gone" and said he was in agony but then I saw him walk across the garden totally normally!

The relationship isn't good but hoping to persuade him to marriage counselling. I just wonder if anyone has come across this before or do I sound v mean not believing him?

@AnotherGo123pf course he won’t go to counselling! He has it made. You earn more, do all of the parenting/child rearing, probably all the household chores, all whilst he sits on his arse and treats you with nothing more than contempt.

Show your DC that this is what a relationship should NOT be like. Get your ducks in a row and leave.

Yes, he will probably threaten 50:50 or that he will push for sole custody as you are unhinged. But, that threat will mean he will have to get off his lazy arse and parent etc.

Stop letting fear get in the way of leaving this abusive and manipulative man.

@AnotherGo123

I would be gone tomorrow but I think he will be an even worse XH than a DH. And an even worse Co parent.

I earn more than him and look after all the money and bills. I'd be fine on my own. But he will make my life hell. And the poor DC.

He's making your life hell now. You only get one. Don't waste it being his slave . He's not really likely to want the DC. He doesn't want them now.

Unless you're living in the same house but living separate lives, how are you going to do this for the next 18yrs or whatever? Don't value yourself by his standards.

You're worth someone to give you a cuddle when you're ill and tell you to put your feet up while he does the childcare, you're worth some romance and a love life with someone who loves and respects you. It's not just him as a husband versus him as an ex, there's a whole life out there with your name on it that you're throwing away to stay with him.

@GiantHaystacks2021

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom?

Tosser.
Honestly, I couldn't live with a whinging liar like him.

🤣 🤣 Omg this had me cracked up

My XH even developped menopausal symptoms when I had them before I was on HRT.
Nothing men can't have, when it comes to illnesses and symptoms.

Fuck that shit op, couldn't stay with someone like that, the resentment would just eat away at me.

It always amazes me, the amount of MNers whose default reaction to their partner saying they're ill is to think he's a lazy liar.

Not judging who's right through the internet but it's just such a foundation of contempt in your relationship. If your partner says they're ill and your instinctive response is that he's a tosser, the relationship is dead in the water.

Yeah I’d be challenging him every time.
He’s clearly faking.

Or save your energy and LTB.

Sounds like your relationship is too poorly to recover.

Some of your messages have made me cry. I'm so scared of messing up my kids and losing my home but I'm slowly realising he will never change.

And people saying I don't know how some women let men like him in their lives...its insidious. He wasn't like this on day one. He was fun and kind and charming and loyal. But gradually he did less and less and I did more and more. And the more I did for him (from washing his clothes to applying to jobs to booking him driving lessons) the worse he became. He's utterly dependent on me and it has made him resentful and angry. And now communication is impossible

I look back and realise I've mothered all my boyfriends. Its something wrong in me. And there are plenty of men who just want to be lazy man children and find idiots like me to "help" them.

He is a malingering manchild!

It's so hard. And it's very easy for these things to happen. Who can see the future perfectly?

[quote AnotherGo123]@GiantHaystacks2021 How did you know? Yes he has his favourite manky gress dressing gown with a hood that he likes to wear.

The problem is its an impossible conversation and he just says "are you honestly suggesting I'm making things up" and basically looking shocked and hurt and I just back off.[/quote]
Rehearse saying 'I'm not suggesting. I KNOW you make things up. Now get your arse in gear and get off the sofa.'

Speaking from her own experience, my nan told me 'the more you do, the more he'll let you'.

My husband behaves the same way and I know how corrosive it is.

💐 to you.

My ex was just the same.

He's still doing it now and he lives abroad. Ive been really ill with this cold going round, feel worse than when I had covid

Ignored when he rang the other day and messaged him later to say I was in bed ill. His reply? Oh I've been so ill too, I've been in bed for a week. 🙄

Fuck off prick, I've been so ill and still have to look after the young dc you didn't give a second thought too when you decided to move to another country

[quote AnotherGo123]@ChargingBuck You are right. I know you are.

As an aside we were talking about Monica Lewinsky a few days ago (Bill Clinton was on the telly) and I said "I can't believe she was only 19 when she started work at the White House" and he said "ah but she was one of those little lolita types". And I was nearly sick. Again.

I think he's vile.

Every day I'm shocked that this is the man I have chosen. I'm so angry with myself.[/quote]
then un choose him

@gannett

It always amazes me, the amount of MNers whose default reaction to their partner saying they're ill is to think he's a lazy liar.

Not judging who's right through the internet but it's just such a foundation of contempt in your relationship. If your partner says they're ill and your instinctive response is that he's a tosser, the relationship is dead in the water.

& if - as OP has clearly described - you are so ill that you've been up all night puking while your DH slept for 8 hours - your DH's instinctive reaction is to ignore you saying how ill you are & asking for help, & instead lie on the sofa, close their eyes & pretend you haven't spoken, the relationship is also probably dead in the water.

Did you miss the part where OP's shouldered the entire domestic & childcare load, despite being genuinely ill?

He must have picked up on something or started feeling guilty because he suddenly pulled himself off the sofa and started asking what do I want for Christmas and how much he appreciates me blah blah blah. When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice

Bleuggh.

When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice

Oh bleuuggggh. I have The Ick by proxy.

Eurgh OP that last post made me wince! What did you reply? "Because, darling you are a useless fucker."
He's just being nice to get the equilibrium (or his version of it) back on track so he can continue on his happy little way.

@ChargingBuck The ick by proxy!

Thank you for putting a name to this affliction, I was struggling but you've nailed it.

I feel your pain op. It's a regular man thing I think.

I'm ill, he's dying
I'm tired, he's exhausted
I'm busy, he's completely run off his feet!

No advice really other than you have to be ruthless. I don't lift a finger for him now. No washing cooking or anything for his benefit!

He’s probably used to you letting go and being content with these small chips of love and kindness.

I don’t think he means it. Actions speak louder than words.

You sound like a kind and helpful person, so don’t blame yourself if you think you have mothered men. The blame here is his inherent laziness and that he is a manchild.

I wouldn’t want my DC growing up thinking that this dynamic is in anyway normal.

@AnotherGo123

He must have picked up on something or started feeling guilty because he suddenly pulled himself off the sofa and started asking what do I want for Christmas and how much he appreciates me blah blah blah. When i didn't really respond v much and carried on putting the kids to bed he started saying "why doesn't my wife love me anymore" and sticking out his bottom lip like a child and doing a weird baby voice

Bleuggh.

Ugh, he’s gross. I could never bring myself to have sex with him again. Pathetic creature.

@AnotherGo123

I would be gone tomorrow but I think he will be an even worse XH than a DH. And an even worse Co parent.

I earn more than him and look after all the money and bills. I'd be fine on my own. But he will make my life hell. And the poor DC.

You get help to make sure that doesn't happen. It's not a reason to stay.

@GiantHaystacks2021

Is he wearing the dressing gown of doom?

Tosser.
Honestly, I couldn't live with a whinging liar like him.

Ah, the old dressing gown of doom...