So confused am I to blame?

[Treacleshf]

I’m really struggling with my relationship. We’ve not been together that long, 18 months. We have a great time together and he’s great in many ways. When I was unwell in summer he went above and beyond to look after me. We laugh a lot and I honestly thought this was it after a few months. But he’s often quite miserable/stressed/unhappy and this has come out even more so recently, though I don’t know why.

1. It’s maybe a small thing but at the start of the year I said I’d love to go away for a couple of nights together in the uk. He said he’d enjoy this but he wanted it to be end of summer so he could focus on work (his work is always most busy in summer). I was disappointed but left it at that and said let’s go in autumn. I’ve been away with friends, it’s not a big deal.

Anyway, fast forward to now and I mentioned again taking a Friday off work so we could travel a couple of hours to the beach and stay until Sunday afternoon. He’s almost turned on me, said I am controlling, I like things my way and only my way, and he doesn’t know when he can do this. I’ve been totally taken aback by it as he’s repeatedly told me he’d love to have a couple of nights away, we’ve even looked at places to stay and he knows I had provisionally booked it on line (free cancellation). He’s been quite nasty about it - I apparently like spending money and he doesn’t (I don’t particularly or any differently to anyone else, plus we both have money, both over 70k, so I can’t see that’s the issue, this place was 143 for 2 nights!!). I’m apparently always wanting things my way… I booked the place with a pool that he liked so he could swim. I hadn’t even asked him for the money, not even considered it actually. I would probably have just paid. He says I like doing ‘lots of things’ and he doesn’t we mostly stay in and I’m happy with that, I like being at home. He also has masses of holiday to take, his colleagues have been off intermittently throughout the year. It doesn’t make sense to me.

1. He can become consumed by worries, and at the weekend he moped around saying he was missing his dad and sibling and he was worrying about them (both have quite bad depression but function day to day). I spent two hours talking it over with him. He never seems to recognise that I do these things and will just sit and stare for what seems like hours, looking angry/upset. I will try and encourage him to be positive and see his family and book time off to do it and he just becomes defensive saying he knows he needs to do that but it’s a big task for him to look into it

1. Whenever I’ve tried to talk calmly with him he just withdraws and doesn’t say much other than I’m attacking him. I can literally say i love you and can we talk about x and he will just automatically frown and withdraw and look annoyed. I feel like I can’t mention anything with a view to moving forwards, in fact last time I raised anything he said I wanted to get the moral high ground?!

1. In the early days I turned up on time and he said oh I didn’t expect you to actually get here for now, I’m still doing stuff, and asked me to sit in the lounge while he was upstairs.

I’m just so exhausted. I met him through a friend of a friend and this friend warned me his last relationship ended age 22 and he’s now 39. She said steer clear and I wish I had. I struggle to deal with the misery and negativity. I just don’t understand it.

I’ve messaged him today saying would he like to go for a drink to unwind when he’s back or alternatively I could get some nice wine in and we could stay home. He’s not replied but I expect he will just say he’d rather stay in and will be quite abrupt about it.

I was on the cusp of ending it but maybe he’s right I’m controlling and it’s my issue and I need to relax? There’s this horrible doubt in my mind now about whether I’ve behaved awfully like he’s suggesting. I’m so confused.

@lilmishap I don’t think it’s strictly that he’s never had any other encounters, I think he’s had brief relationships over a few months here and there or at least dated for a few weeks.

I guess on one level I know he’s unusual but I can’t help critiquing my own actions, I said some horrible things in anger and said he would end up alone etc. Not a nice thing to say to anyone.

I guess it’s just hard to know for sure when you’re in it and that’s why I was looking for outside opinion. I try to be an honest as I can be about my own flaws and I can be excitable and come up with lots of ideas etc which might well be irritating.

@QuestionNumberOne

Dump this angry, punitive joy sucker.

Go to the beach house. Plan nice food movies walks books. Have a cry if you want to. Nurture yourself.

He’s a dick. Get rid.

Absolutely.

FFS stop twisting yourself every which way and trying to 'understand' him. He is not worth it.

Go to the beach house and sip a glass of wine while you watch the sunset. Maybe try some creative art therapy - aka messing around with acrylics. All you need is some canvas boards, a box of paints and a couple of brushes:

"I said some horrible things in anger and said he would end up alone etc. Not a nice thing to say to anyone"

No it's not a nice thing to say. But it is true. No-one has wanted to stay with him long term, you are not the problem and you are not under contract to be nice at all times. We all say things in anger.

But he has been tearing you apart over shit he's made up and the only feelings being considered are his. The only one with faults is you.

You like to do shit, he doesn't. So neither of you do anything.

He expects you to listen to him whining on for hours abut his shit but he won't even sit and talk to you when you've told him you're unhappy. In fact he makes up more shit to attack you with when you raise it.

To punish you for an argument he is not going to your parents. But the truth is he didn't want to go to your parents and you wanting him there is irrelevant to him.

You are always the one in the wrong and he is always the victim.

I guess it’s just hard to know for sure when you’re in it and that’s why I was looking for outside opinion
Ok so youve had outside opinions and everyone has said the same thing.
What are you going to do. Stop this madness or carry on making excuses for him and you and carry on being treated bad?

Please look after yourself and finish this. Red Flags so many. He was fine up until the point that you expressed a wish to do something, to dare to suggest something and to have a mind of your own. He sounds like such hard work and a miserable git. He is making you question yourself and you are losing your confidence. This will not end good and it will effect your mental health. Do not be available to him to just sit in and be miserable with him. Take time out as only then can you think clearly while you have a bit of head space. Listen to your friend and please meet her and talk to her as this is not how a healthy relationship should be. I think he needs to see a doctor for anxiety/depression himself. But it is not your job to save him, but to look out for yourself. You are walking on egg shells and are losing yourself.

If I were you I think I'd try to find someone who enjoys your personality and likes that you get excited and plan things. Someone who enjoys fun!

He never seems to recognise that I do these things and will just sit and stare for what seems like hours, looking angry/upset

Why on earth do you not leave when he does this.?

He sounds like a manipulative energy vampire. A black hole.

If you think you have low self esteem now, just try to imagine how fucked you’re going to be after years if this shit from him.

I should imagine if you’ve had years of relationship problems, it’s likely to be because you’ve attracted dickheads who are just out for what they can get (given your self esteem is on the floor).

End this relationship and spend some proper time working on yourself. Having needs in a relationship is normal and whether or not you got ‘excited’ about the idea of doing something is irrelevant really. He clearly gets a kick out of ruining and draining joy from everything.

Wake up and smell the vampire!

HE WON’T CHANGE!

I guess on one level I know he’s unusual but I can’t help critiquing my own actions, I said some horrible things in anger and said he would end up alone etc. Not a nice thing to say to anyone.

It's normal to question yourself but not normal to be doing it all the time. And this is what his behaviour in your relationship is likely causing you to do.

I imagine you've said some awful things in anger because you're frustrated and probably felt inexplicably driven to do so - even though that is not in your nature normally. I was horrified that I told my controlling 'partner' that I wished he were dead.

And they control you to keep you in place and because it suits them. Mine is an out and out narcissist and he'd rather continue on in a loveless relationship (not that he could do love anyway) with me, a short, fat, older woman than fend for himself. But it's all on his terms. And if you live with someone like this you find yourself doubting yourself, adapting your thoughts and behaviour until you wonder who you are. And that's no way to live.

He does sound controlling. And I think the fact your counsellor/therapist suggested you ask the question on a forum tells you something too. Could it be there's a part of you resisting their input/message? Maybe you don't want to upset the status quo so there's a part of your mind downplaying his behaviour. And if you downplay his part in this then you have to look for the explanation elsewhere - so you critique yourself and, ignoring the facts, lay the blame partly or mostly at your feet. Which means you minimise their behaviour and then feel you can't justify ending things.

No-one's perfect but my experience is that you'll never win if you stay with a controlling person.

He's playing you using DAVRO. He's going on the offensive to put you on the beach foot and doubt yourself. Then pretending like it never happened that way - gas lightning you to doubt yourself.
Read this book to see how he's putting your strings. Dump him!
Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03

*back foot

OP have you posted another thread about him under a different name? Is this the guy who doesn’t want to have sex but won’t explain why, won’t let you meet his family and can’t discuss anything?

HE is the problem. You are not in any way unreasonable for having needs and expectations. The reasons as to why he can’t meet them don’t matter - all that matters is that he isn’t meeting them, you’re not happy, and you’re not getting what you need and deserve from this non-relationship.

If you carry on flogging this dead horse he’ll end up dumping you anyway - trust me, I’ve been that person who clings on desperate for things to work out when it’s blindingly obvious it’s wrong and toxic, and it never works. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is dump him. Being alone is not scary, thinking of your own needs is not selfish. Far better to be single and pleasing yourself than in a situation that makes you unhappy and unable to be yourself.