I’m really struggling with my relationship. We’ve not been together that long, 18 months. We have a great time together and he’s great in many ways. When I was unwell in summer he went above and beyond to look after me. We laugh a lot and I honestly thought this was it after a few months. But he’s often quite miserable/stressed/unhappy and this has come out even more so recently, though I don’t know why.
- It’s maybe a small thing but at the start of the year I said I’d love to go away for a couple of nights together in the uk. He said he’d enjoy this but he wanted it to be end of summer so he could focus on work (his work is always most busy in summer). I was disappointed but left it at that and said let’s go in autumn. I’ve been away with friends, it’s not a big deal.
Anyway, fast forward to now and I mentioned again taking a Friday off work so we could travel a couple of hours to the beach and stay until Sunday afternoon. He’s almost turned on me, said I am controlling, I like things my way and only my way, and he doesn’t know when he can do this. I’ve been totally taken aback by it as he’s repeatedly told me he’d love to have a couple of nights away, we’ve even looked at places to stay and he knows I had provisionally booked it on line (free cancellation). He’s been quite nasty about it - I apparently like spending money and he doesn’t (I don’t particularly or any differently to anyone else, plus we both have money, both over 70k, so I can’t see that’s the issue, this place was 143 for 2 nights!!). I’m apparently always wanting things my way… I booked the place with a pool that he liked so he could swim. I hadn’t even asked him for the money, not even considered it actually. I would probably have just paid. He says I like doing ‘lots of things’ and he doesn’t
we mostly stay in and I’m happy with that, I like being at home. He also has masses of holiday to take, his colleagues have been off intermittently throughout the year. It doesn’t make sense to me.
- He can become consumed by worries, and at the weekend he moped around saying he was missing his dad and sibling and he was worrying about them (both have quite bad depression but function day to day). I spent two hours talking it over with him. He never seems to recognise that I do these things and will just sit and stare for what seems like hours, looking angry/upset. I will try and encourage him to be positive and see his family and book time off to do it and he just becomes defensive saying he knows he needs to do that but it’s a big task for him to look into it
- Whenever I’ve tried to talk calmly with him he just withdraws and doesn’t say much other than I’m attacking him. I can literally say i love you and can we talk about x and he will just automatically frown and withdraw and look annoyed. I feel like I can’t mention anything with a view to moving forwards, in fact last time I raised anything he said I wanted to get the moral high ground?!
- In the early days I turned up on time and he said oh I didn’t expect you to actually get here for now, I’m still doing stuff, and asked me to sit in the lounge while he was upstairs.
I’m just so exhausted. I met him through a friend of a friend and this friend warned me his last relationship ended age 22 and he’s now 39. She said steer clear and I wish I had. I struggle to deal with the misery and negativity. I just don’t understand it.
I’ve messaged him today saying would he like to go for a drink to unwind when he’s back or alternatively I could get some nice wine in and we could stay home. He’s not replied but I expect he will just say he’d rather stay in and will be quite abrupt about it.
I was on the cusp of ending it but maybe he’s right I’m controlling and it’s my issue and I need to relax? There’s this horrible doubt in my mind now about whether I’ve behaved awfully like he’s suggesting. I’m so confused.