Do you think you can be single for so long, relationships are just out of reach?

[danglyearrings9]

Just that really. I can't imagine myself in a relationship. I look at everyone around me who are paired up and feel completely bewildered at how they managed to do it all.

I think when everyone around you is paired up it's easy to think they've got some insider knowledge that means they have access to something that you never will. When in fact it's not like that at all.

Some of the people who are paired up wish they weren't. They rushed in to it because they felt pressure to be someone's 'other half', or just fell unlucky, or their partner became lazy or abusive or one of the many other reasons people become unhappy in their r'ship.

Some are happy but thankful that luck played a part. They were fortunate to meet someone who is a great match for them.

Or they have to work really hard to stay reasonably happily together. There's nothing magical about it.

Maybe you've got good expectations and wouldn't settle for anything less than great, so you haven't yet met 'that person'? Maybe you've been unlucky and met a series of time-wasters? Maybe you've been concentrating on other areas of life like work or family, and haven't prioritised relationships?

Being happily single is a great place to be. But if you like the idea of being 'paired' then be open to it and there's a good chance it will happen. Not necessarily when you're expecting it. If it helps, I think that pairing up when you're a bit older (assuming you are a bit older??) gives you a greater chance of success. You know who you are. You are more discerning. You know what you like and don't like. (The exception to this is sometimes when women feel the pressure to have a baby and risk thinking 'he'll do' in the race against time).

There's no great mystery to being in a LTR... the real knack is getting a good one... I'd rather be single 1,000 more than in a bad relationship.

I just can't ever seem to get anything off the ground. People assume I prioritise work but there's never been any chance of having a relationship to take priority.

DH had hardly had any relationships before we met and I had only had a few. We were mid 40s when we met and have happily married for 9 years already.

I think there's sometimes worth in trying something different, for example changing some parameters of the type of guy you normally go for. Believe me when I say if it can happen for us it can happen for anyone!

I've got a couple of friends who've never had a relationship of any sort. One is mid 40's, the other is mid 50's, both live alone. They both come across on the face of it as being happily single and independent (and they may well be). I don't know if they've always wanted to be that way or if they've just never got round to dating.

But I think they're pretty much undateable now - I can't imagine them ever finding someone they're compatible with, and I doubt either of them could ever adjust to being in a relationship/living as a couple after getting so used to being by themselves.

Agree to an extent - it's definitely a factor.

When I've been single for long periods it takes significant readjustment to cope with even seeing someone pretty casually, let alone start a relationship.

Obviously not insurmountable in all cases, but an extra barrier to be aware of.

When I've been single for long periods it takes significant readjustment to cope with even seeing someone pretty casually, let alone start a relationship.

Oh. I feel like this! Is it normal?!

The most 'successful' I've been has been with a guy I just liked, I couldn't really put it into words. It was easy to chat with him, but he didn't want to settle down.

I love being a wife, having a husband, our son and being married.

I would not want to be on my own and would find my real Soulmate sooner or later.

If you make it a priority, make time for it and put some effort, you'll meet your good match soon.

There is 1-5% chances you'll meet someone randomly but I wouldn't wait for it. 80% of people meet on dating sites & apps these days.

Make sure for safety you only meet in public places until you get to know the person well enough.

Get some great photos of you, write your honest profile and who ans what qualities you are looking for (if it's for serious long term relations only, starting a family together, make sure you say it) and you will meet the person you'd like.

Good luck x

I had a goal to have a husband and a baby and I was looking for someone like him and he was looking for someone like me in 2004

We got married in 2005, had our son in 2007.

We love and appreciate each other dearly.

I know some relations are toxic and bad so never stay in them, leave and look for the right one with similar values.

@danglyearrings9

When I've been single for long periods it takes significant readjustment to cope with even seeing someone pretty casually, let alone start a relationship.

Oh. I feel like this! Is it normal?!

The most 'successful' I've been has been with a guy I just liked, I couldn't really put it into words. It was easy to chat with him, but he didn't want to settle down.

To avoid that in my profile I was writing 'I am looking for serious, committed relations ONLY, for my future husband to have a baby/children with'.

So random people knew not to write to me.

As for time, I made sure I was looking for 1-2 hours a day nearly every day. I found the right one for me in 4 months. I was 25 then, he was 37.

It boils down to psychology. Society bombards us all with messages about being loved up, partnered, married and dating. It is bound to make single people feel insecure, and like outsiders to the best club in the world. Historically, it aided capitalism and religion greatly to see young people married, tied down and creating the next workforce. Fast forward to 2021, half the adult population is single, and many with good reason as they feel better that way. Single is better than unhappily dating/ partnered/ married. I was single for years after my ex broke my trust. I wouldn't have cared if I remained the same for life. I met someone at 50 who is independent, fun and caring, and we are dating long distance. Weekends away is fun, sex is fun, holidays are fun, hearing someone tell you they love you and want you forever is fun...do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to live with him? No. I love my financial and emotional independence. I suspect he feels the same way. If we ever moved, it would be terraced houses with a hatch in the wall.

I feel the same op.
I've been happily single for 4 years and although I have a rich and stable life, I'd love to find someone permanent and lovely to share it with.
All my friends/family are in secure and happy long term relationships (apart from 1 sister) and I do feel like I'm on the outside looking in sometimes.

I really doubt I'll ever meet anyone who is right enough for me (eg a feminist, kind, stable and not fucked up!) but I keep trying. I wish I was sexually attracted to shorter/slightly guys, because seems a lot of them in the dating apps - but I had an eating disorder when I was younger and although I'm recovered and healthy now, being with a guy who is smaller than me brings back all my old insecurities.

But I keep swiping in hope! I definitely don't spend 1-2 hours on it daily though 😅 but my ticking clock has run out of time, so that takes the pressure off at least!

My sister has been eternally single...always thought she had been on her own too long so would never meet anyone but actually did 2 years ago and is really settled with him - late 40's

@danglyearrings9

When I've been single for long periods it takes significant readjustment to cope with even seeing someone pretty casually, let alone start a relationship.

Oh. I feel like this! Is it normal?!

The most 'successful' I've been has been with a guy I just liked, I couldn't really put it into words. It was easy to chat with him, but he didn't want to settle down.

A person who has been single longterm is likely to have characteristics which have led to this, and these will have been reinforced to an extent by the experience itself.

The characteristics aren't necessarily positive or negative btw, and will vary from person to person. In my case for eg I'm extremely self-reliant, which is really useful as a single person, but can be frustrating on both sides in relationships.

You're getting at the nub of the issue with the guy you were interested in - when we're genuinely interested its much easier to plot a way through.

So that's the key then - find someone you're genuinely into, and hopefully they reciprocate.

Easier said than done, I know.

Good luck.

@sospspsp

I feel the same op. I've been happily single for 4 years and although I have a rich and stable life, I'd love to find someone permanent and lovely to share it with. All my friends/family are in secure and happy long term relationships (apart from 1 sister) and I do feel like I'm on the outside looking in sometimes.

I really doubt I'll ever meet anyone who is right enough for me (eg a feminist, kind, stable and not fucked up!) but I keep trying. I wish I was sexually attracted to shorter/slightly guys, because seems a lot of them in the dating apps - but I had an eating disorder when I was younger and although I'm recovered and healthy now, being with a guy who is smaller than me brings back all my old insecurities.

But I keep swiping in hope! I definitely don't spend 1-2 hours on it daily though 😅 but my ticking clock has run out of time, so that takes the pressure off at least!

Start believing THERE IS your True Soulmate for you there, no doubt and you will attract him very soon.

Good luck

@scoobydoo1971

It boils down to psychology. Society bombards us all with messages about being loved up, partnered, married and dating. It is bound to make single people feel insecure, and like outsiders to the best club in the world. Historically, it aided capitalism and religion greatly to see young people married, tied down and creating the next workforce. Fast forward to 2021, half the adult population is single, and many with good reason as they feel better that way. Single is better than unhappily dating/ partnered/ married. I was single for years after my ex broke my trust. I wouldn't have cared if I remained the same for life. I met someone at 50 who is independent, fun and caring, and we are dating long distance. Weekends away is fun, sex is fun, holidays are fun, hearing someone tell you they love you and want you forever is fun...do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to live with him? No. I love my financial and emotional independence. I suspect he feels the same way. If we ever moved, it would be terraced houses with a hatch in the wall.

What do you mean by emotional independence while being in relations?

We have our own independent finances and free reasonable financial choices while being married.

Most people are sociable and sexual creatures. That's why many of us have/would like to have stable committed loving relations.

There are often some common reasons why some people choose to stay single for years and decades and for life

1. have a fear of possibly another negative experience

2. have trust issues

This can be improved with counselling or life coaching if there is such a need.

3. don't see dating and establishing committed relations as one of their life priorities and leave it to a random chance

I understand that there are some people who choose to be single (sometimes having casual multiple relations at the same time or FWBs uncommitted relations) and feel perfectly happy about it.

FWBs - friends with benefits

I also find relationships baffling - this is coming from someone who was married at one point and had a number of different relationships over the last two decades!!

I've come to the conclusion that I'd like to have an emotional and sexual connection with someone, but I don't want the cohabitation, entangled finances, domestic drudgery. Maybe the 'living together apart' set up would suit me? I just don't have the desire to 'escalate' relationships any more ie. marriage/children/the forever house.

I'm currently pregnant (IVF pregnancy with a sperm donor), and I'm not doing the 'family' thing the conventional way, but this suits me, as I didn't want to end up settling for an unsuitable partner due to time running out and then having to deal with the fallout of that for the next 18 years.

*posted too soon - I see around me too many relationships that are effectively instrumental/transactional...too many compromises in order that they could sit on the sofa on Sat night and fester together watching Netflix ...have someone 'trail' with them around shops etc. share the financial burden because individually they couldn't manage it on their ownI know of one relationship which I'd say is about true love, the rest really aren't enviable in the slightest.

I had a 4 year relationship with a man who’d been in a relationship for many years, it became painful how dependent he was. I’ve raised children and wanting to be free. Lovely as he was I couldn’t cope with the demands on me and managed to escape.

Anyone now would have to be seriously independent and self sufficient

have someone 'trail' with them around shops etc

No way would I be trailing someone round the shops, I’ve had two that treat this as a hobby

@anthurium

*posted too soon - I see around me too many relationships that are effectively instrumental/transactional...too many compromises in order that they could sit on the sofa on Sat night and fester together watching Netflix ...have someone 'trail' with them around shops etc. share the financial burden because individually they couldn't manage it on their ownI know of one relationship which I'd say is about true love, the rest really aren't enviable in the slightest.

TOTALLY agree with this. So well described.

I know some posters mean well and are trying to contribute in the only way they can but some posts here are off the mark and i don't think helping the OP.

If you have had even one relationship (no matter how shitty), or heck - even been married, been close enough to a man to have his babies. Been close enough to anyone to have even had sex in your adult life or so much as even shared a kiss...then I'm sorry but you're not coming from the same place as and can't possibly understand.

@danglyearrings9 I get you. I hear you. I have been single (truly single - no dates, no kisses, no sex, no holding hands, no nothing) since 2007. I have not been asked out since then either. I don't know why this is.

You're not alone, I have another friend who is just like me, too. There is a lack of spaces for people like us to chat/connect and realise that it's not just us and there are a few of us realtionship-virgins knocking around. I know others on the thread mean well but it's not helpful. It just makes us feel even weirder.

In answer to your original question - yes i do think they can end up out of reach, sadly. For a multitude of reasons;

• people would swerve someone with zero relationship experience just because of that reason alone. That can feel quite hurtful but it's someone's perogative. It then becomes a chicken/egg scenario.
• we might struggle to adjust to a realtionship (if one ever did come up, that is!)
• we struggle to see outselves in the 'girlfriend' light. I know I do... no one has ever seen me in that way and frankly now i can't either!

I try to focus on the non-romatic relationships that I have. I am loved, very dearly by friends and family. I bet you are too.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it is not just you, there are a few of us around, and I know exactly how you feel. xxxx

I've been married and in several other ltrs. I've been single 8 years now and absolutely wouldn't change. I'm earning good money, I have reliable fwbs plus a bunch of sex toys, and my son is an adult - wtf woukd I need a "partner" for?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I've been married and in several other ltrs. I've been single 8 years now and absolutely wouldn't change. I'm earning good money, I have reliable fwbs plus a bunch of sex toys, and my son is an adult - wtf woukd I need a "partner" for?

I'm glad to see someone doing/exploring non conventional ways of being with a man. Yes, FWBs and especially reliable ones, is a great way to still satiate one's sexual side, without the compromises of a full-on relationship. And the sex toys too are a way to connect with yourself and a great idea! It's really refreshing to read @EvenMoreFuriousVexation