Do you think you can be single for so long, relationships are just out of reach?

[danglyearrings9]

Just that really. I can't imagine myself in a relationship. I look at everyone around me who are paired up and feel completely bewildered at how they managed to do it all.

Very interesting thread. I have had one relationship - which was my marriage and very long but also increasingly dysfunctional for many years and my ex was emotionally abusive.

Since our divorce in 2018 I have been on some platonic dates with one person and that’s it. I also feel that a loving relationship is not something that is possible for me a. because within my marriage I was so lonely for so long and I am used to that and b. since my divorce that loneliness and being separate has continued and I have no idea how that would change.

Also, I am 52 and I guess I would have to be lucky enough to meet someone who wasn’t looking for someone younger - and I am not sure where or how that would happen. I don’t know how to flirt and also don’t know why anyone would find me attractive over someone yes younger for example.
I also don’t see many men in my kind of age range whom I find attractive.

But more than all of that, if there was something with someone, I would panic. I don’t know how to get close and have a lot of hang ups.

And - I have two dc at home and one at university and am really busy in my job - in my free time my priority is being with my dc.

I have felt really bitter about the years that my ex stole from me - when I was more attractive and could have set up a loving life with someone else, but nowadays I am so stressed by other elements of my life that I don’t have time to think about it. The only time I feel bad is when I vaguely find someone attractive (they are invariably attached) and then waves of sadness and kind of despair engulf me at the thought of the loving and supportive relationship that I could have had in a different life.

I used to feel outside life - love happens to other people - and it’s a painful thought. I still feel like that sometimes but mostly I just feel exhausted by my life. Also, I don’t know if it’s hormonal, but I am more cynical than I used to be and in some way that’s helpful.

@scoobydoo1971

It boils down to psychology. Society bombards us all with messages about being loved up, partnered, married and dating. It is bound to make single people feel insecure, and like outsiders to the best club in the world. Historically, it aided capitalism and religion greatly to see young people married, tied down and creating the next workforce. Fast forward to 2021, half the adult population is single, and many with good reason as they feel better that way. Single is better than unhappily dating/ partnered/ married. I was single for years after my ex broke my trust. I wouldn't have cared if I remained the same for life. I met someone at 50 who is independent, fun and caring, and we are dating long distance. Weekends away is fun, sex is fun, holidays are fun, hearing someone tell you they love you and want you forever is fun...do I want to marry him? No. Do I want to live with him? No. I love my financial and emotional independence. I suspect he feels the same way. If we ever moved, it would be terraced houses with a hatch in the wall.

Love this!

Yes of course they know, and I use condoms always. I'd never put someone's health at risk.

You cannot possibly know 20 marriages well enough to say they are all happy.

As news spreads around that my husband and I are separating, people we know keep telling me how shocked they are because we were always so happy. Except that I've been scared and miserable for decades and didn't let this show to the outside world.

And there is no such thing as soul mates.

I CAN and they can know our marriage because we DISCUSS our relations to help each other sometimes.

My married friends are not the reserved type of people who keep it all to themselves and in secret, brush it under the carpet sort of style of living.

That's why it is called friendship, not just aquantances.

Close friendship is when people are honest and open with each other.

When 5 of my 20 married friends divorced it wasn't a surprise for me because they wanted to share with me their main reasons for doing it (like I share my honest thoughts about my relations with the 1 to 1 and I know it will stay between us only).

*with them

changeyourname11111 I 100% relate to what you are saying! Thank you for taking the time to post it.

@KatySun

changeyourname11111 I 100% relate to what you are saying! Thank you for taking the time to post it.

You’re welcome. It helps to know I am not the only one who feels like this - as much as I wish you and everyone all the happiness you/they can grab hold of .

Definitely not. I was single for 2.5 years and then DH’s status changed on FB (we’d been friends a long time) and the rest is history.

Spoilers…his status changed to in a relationship/engaged/married 😂

If you want it to happen then it can potentially happen no matter how long it’s been.

@changeyourname11111 gosh I related to this so much too. I am 52, with two young children (the youngest is 7) and my ex walked out on me in 2017. It was a massive shock, completely derailed and traumatised me, I had to just get on and make sure the kids were ok, earn money, move house (after being forced to sell the family one), and try not to completely fall apart. I have tried OLD with many men but I feel no attraction for any one, feel exhausted, and always wish I was home in bed. My ex, meanwhile, is seeing someone in her twenties, of course. I don't have the time or energy to meet someone, feel that I wouldn't have much left of myself to offer anyway, but also feel loneliness and despair come over me in waves, such as today, when I felt overwhelmed by cooking lunch, putting up shelves, doing homework with the kids, trying to play with them, take them to sports etc, on my own. It's just relentless, and it would be nice to have that responsibility lifted sometimes and someone care for you occasionally, but oh well. When I get those waves of despair I often realise I am just too exhausted, and it's time to go to bed! But I am learning to love myself and with a 12 year old daughter, I need to (even my attempts at self-care are for somebody else!)

I've been single for over 4 years. Had a baby on my own in that time so just kinda coming around to meeting someone again now: but online dating seems so tedious. I've tried going back to uni; getting new hobbies; being outgoing and active would help. But it's next to impossible to meet someone when you're a single parent. I find the whole experience terribly isolating and lonely & the idea of spending the next 40 years on my own is depressing. I'm self employed and it's also a singular job so not much hope of meeting people through that either. IT JUST SUCKS! Sending hugs.

@seriouslystressedoutmama

I've been single for over 4 years. Had a baby on my own in that time so just kinda coming around to meeting someone again now: but online dating seems so tedious. I've tried going back to uni; getting new hobbies; being outgoing and active would help. But it's next to impossible to meet someone when you're a single parent. I find the whole experience terribly isolating and lonely & the idea of spending the next 40 years on my own is depressing. I'm self employed and it's also a singular job so not much hope of meeting people through that either. IT JUST SUCKS! Sending hugs.

Why do you find online dating tedious?

[quote OmegaAlpha]@changeyourname11111 gosh I related to this so much too. I am 52, with two young children (the youngest is 7) and my ex walked out on me in 2017. It was a massive shock, completely derailed and traumatised me, I had to just get on and make sure the kids were ok, earn money, move house (after being forced to sell the family one), and try not to completely fall apart. I have tried OLD with many men but I feel no attraction for any one, feel exhausted, and always wish I was home in bed. My ex, meanwhile, is seeing someone in her twenties, of course. I don't have the time or energy to meet someone, feel that I wouldn't have much left of myself to offer anyway, but also feel loneliness and despair come over me in waves, such as today, when I felt overwhelmed by cooking lunch, putting up shelves, doing homework with the kids, trying to play with them, take them to sports etc, on my own. It's just relentless, and it would be nice to have that responsibility lifted sometimes and someone care for you occasionally, but oh well. When I get those waves of despair I often realise I am just too exhausted, and it's time to go to bed! But I am learning to love myself and with a 12 year old daughter, I need to (even my attempts at self-care are for somebody else!)[/quote]
Why are you always tired?

How many hours a week do you work?

Do you work on your feet or sit down?

I take it you've never tried it @Lana07

"Why do you find online dating tedious?" Lol, only the smug married people would ask such a stupid question

"Why are you always tired?

How many hours a week do you work?

Do you work on your feet or sit down?"

The fact the poster has to do everything on her own, all day, every day... Weren't you able to deduce that from her post?!

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits

I know some posters mean well and are trying to contribute in the only way they can but some posts here are off the mark and i don't think helping the OP.

If you have had even one relationship (no matter how shitty), or heck - even been married, been close enough to a man to have his babies. Been close enough to anyone to have even had sex in your adult life or so much as even shared a kiss...then I'm sorry but you're not coming from the same place as and can't possibly understand.

@danglyearrings9 I get you. I hear you. I have been single (truly single - no dates, no kisses, no sex, no holding hands, no nothing) since 2007. I have not been asked out since then either. I don't know why this is.

You're not alone, I have another friend who is just like me, too. There is a lack of spaces for people like us to chat/connect and realise that it's not just us and there are a few of us realtionship-virgins knocking around. I know others on the thread mean well but it's not helpful. It just makes us feel even weirder.

In answer to your original question - yes i do think they can end up out of reach, sadly. For a multitude of reasons;

• people would swerve someone with zero relationship experience just because of that reason alone. That can feel quite hurtful but it's someone's perogative. It then becomes a chicken/egg scenario.
• we might struggle to adjust to a realtionship (if one ever did come up, that is!)
• we struggle to see outselves in the 'girlfriend' light. I know I do... no one has ever seen me in that way and frankly now i can't either!

I try to focus on the non-romatic relationships that I have. I am loved, very dearly by friends and family. I bet you are too.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it is not just you, there are a few of us around, and I know exactly how you feel. xxxx

I just want to say thank you for writing this. Just today I started a thread about this, didn’t get many replies, but reading this made me feel less alone.

Yes.

Whenever any of my short relationships ended, even if they ended it, a part of me felt, phew, return to default, return to factory settings. It feels less effort.

@zonkyzonky

"Why are you always tired?

How many hours a week do you work?

Do you work on your feet or sit down?"

The fact the poster has to do everything on her own, all day, every day... Weren't you able to deduce that from her post?!

Of course, I completely understand that.

I have worked full-time for 6 years and part-time for 10.

At the moment I am looking for ways to work the 5th day and study for it.

With age, I am 42 I've learn to love myself properly since 32 and to rest properly. Not to burn out with overloading myself with tasks and having so much wanted work-life balance.

It's a skill we can all develop if we work on ourselves.

I make sure I get 8 hours of sleep every night and eat healthily, have vitamins and exercise regularly.

As for getting enough sleep I worked on it since 2012 and got great in it in 2015. It took me 3 years to train my brain and body and develop good healthy sleep habits.

I try to go to sleep by 22:00-22:30 or by 23:00-23:30 maximum.

At 52 it might be menopause. It can give a feeling of being extra tired and lack in energy.

It IS possible to meet your Soul Mate at any age. I wish everyone luck who would like that to happen.

I see dating sites as a good opportunity but you have to believe in it, never give up and keep looking.

*I've learnt

Are you still reading this thread @danglyearrings9?

How old are you, and what is your stage in life in terms of children and career? I think this is relevant.

I'm 44 and divorced 10 years ago with two kids, one of which is now at uni.

When I first got divorced I felt bereft and like I needed a relationship. I got into a few, including a long one in which we bought a house together. I ended up getting rid of him and bought him out and as a result am in an amazing house that I wouldn't have been in if I hadn't got into that relationship.

For the first time in my life, I am very happy with being single. I have no desire to be in a relationship. I am very happy with where I am in life and have a great life. Maybe I'm perimenopausal and so don't have that desire for a relationship because of that. My ex husband is fantastic, so I still have a male presence and input with the kids and around my house. If I didn't have that my attitude might be very different. I'm very comfortable financially and love my career, so that helps too. When I think of companionship, I don't feel like I ever want to live with a man again. At the moment I get emotional fulfilment from my kids, my ex husband and my friends. That might change as the kids grow up even more, but for now a relationship is not something I am even remotely interested in.

Sorry, meant to say I've only read the OP and her replies but no replies as it's a very long thread

Just read @Onlyhereforthebiscuits's post and realised my post was irrelevant. Sorry