Do you think you can be single for so long, relationships are just out of reach?

[danglyearrings9]

Just that really. I can't imagine myself in a relationship. I look at everyone around me who are paired up and feel completely bewildered at how they managed to do it all.

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits

I know some posters mean well and are trying to contribute in the only way they can but some posts here are off the mark and i don't think helping the OP.

If you have had even one relationship (no matter how shitty), or heck - even been married, been close enough to a man to have his babies. Been close enough to anyone to have even had sex in your adult life or so much as even shared a kiss...then I'm sorry but you're not coming from the same place as and can't possibly understand.

@danglyearrings9 I get you. I hear you. I have been single (truly single - no dates, no kisses, no sex, no holding hands, no nothing) since 2007. I have not been asked out since then either. I don't know why this is.

You're not alone, I have another friend who is just like me, too. There is a lack of spaces for people like us to chat/connect and realise that it's not just us and there are a few of us realtionship-virgins knocking around. I know others on the thread mean well but it's not helpful. It just makes us feel even weirder.

In answer to your original question - yes i do think they can end up out of reach, sadly. For a multitude of reasons;

• people would swerve someone with zero relationship experience just because of that reason alone. That can feel quite hurtful but it's someone's perogative. It then becomes a chicken/egg scenario.
• we might struggle to adjust to a realtionship (if one ever did come up, that is!)
• we struggle to see outselves in the 'girlfriend' light. I know I do... no one has ever seen me in that way and frankly now i can't either!

I try to focus on the non-romatic relationships that I have. I am loved, very dearly by friends and family. I bet you are too.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that it is not just you, there are a few of us around, and I know exactly how you feel. xxxx

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits

Have you ever tried to explore casual relationships with men? Or, are you saying you've had these experiences and don't want to engage with them any longer and are lacking meaningful relationship experience?

Great post @Onlyhereforthebiscuits

@anthurium - in 2007 I was 18. I had sex a couple of times with a guy and kissed.

Hence the 'in your adult life' wording.

I have not had any experience since then. As I say I don't know why. I did try in my twenties to do the men/sex/relationship thing but for some reason I just didn't appeal to anyone.

I have just accepted it is part of my identity now.

[quote Onlyhereforthebiscuits]@anthurium - in 2007 I was 18. I had sex a couple of times with a guy and kissed.

Hence the 'in your adult life' wording.

I have not had any experience since then. As I say I don't know why. I did try in my twenties to do the men/sex/relationship thing but for some reason I just didn't appeal to anyone.

I have just accepted it is part of my identity now.[/quote]
OK thanks for sharing.

As I'm sure you're aware, casual non committal sex is relatively easy to find for women. There are platforms specifically designed for this. It can be on your terms and fun, and bring confidence that hasn't been seen before.

I'm not going to say 'you've not tried hard enough' that's up to you, but there are certainly other ways to get your needs met without a relationship and having to feel used.

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits

Do you want children? And if so, have you thought about alternative ways of going about achieving this?

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

I've been married and in several other ltrs. I've been single 8 years now and absolutely wouldn't change. I'm earning good money, I have reliable fwbs plus a bunch of sex toys, and my son is an adult - wtf woukd I need a "partner" for?

Do your FWBs know you have more than 1 and they are not exclusive to you?

Do FWBs mean they can sleep around too?

I love the exclusivity of the marriage sexually with 1 loyal true Soulmate husband first of all for sexual protection as no condom is 100% safe from any STIs/STDs.

All the marriages I know (about 20) are truly happy.

Those who were not happy divorced and found good new husbands/partners for them.

@Lana07

All the marriages I know (about 20) are truly happy.

Those who were not happy divorced and found good new husbands/partners for them.

For all the 20 ones you know, there are posters and myself who know just as many that just aren't happy or any it it because they can't leave for one reason or another. Some people also realise that they aren't prepared to go through the rigmarole of finding someone again.

Society revers partnerships/coupling up, not just socially but legally too (I know, I used to be married - tax breaks being one o them!); most people whether unknowingly or not, have been conditioned to aspire to this status and to hold on to it as long as possiblefor the fear of being alone/lonely/isolated/financially worse off....you never know what goes on behind closed doors as being single for note than a few months in your 30s onwards, is seen as a pitiful status, so they get out there quick to remedy this problem.

No. Believe what you like, but if you start chatting in the supermarket to a stranger with whom you're compatible, all your beliefs (your mind) will go out the window, and your feelings will take over. It's not hard to forget how it feels to be emotionally stimulated, but forgetting how it feels has no bearing on capability.

It can turn on a sixpence.

@anthurium

You're definitely right re sex being relatively easy for women to have if they want it. That being said, casual non commital sex does not interest me. In fact I'm quite OK about the no-sex thing, it doesn't bother me to be honest. Obviously if I were close with someone romantically then I would like to do that with them though. That's the thing tho - never close with anyone romantically.

Thankfully no I don't want children, or at least I don't feel a strong desire to have them...assuming that's the same thing! I'm 34 and if I did feel that urge then I'd just do it myself tbh. This is not for everyone though.

And it such a catch 22....

Could only really be into intimacy with someone whom I really genuinely liked....

....but lack of experience for my age would mean I would be a crap shag and rubbish kisser and rubbish at all the other stuff...

...which would just be so embarrassing with someone I genuinely liked.

How about I just stay out of it 😂😂😂 this brings us back around to the OP's point about perpetual cycle/ becoming out of reach due to length of time etc etc

I've been single since 2017. I have a 13yo ds plus a house and a full time job.
The last man moaned because I was often tired, yet refused to help with chores, school run etc. and finally left because I wouldn't go out three times a week.
The thought of the effort of finding & dating someone new is daunting. Men are too much of an overhead so, much as I'd like some company, I'll leave it until ds leaves home.

but lack of experience for my age would mean I would be a crap shag and rubbish kisser and rubbish at all the other stuff

Experience doesn't make you a good kisser or a good anything else. It's down to compatibility. There's nothing complicated that you have to learn about having sex with/being intimate with someone who likes things just the way you like them. It's not a 'skill'. It's following your natural instincts.

We are all 'bad in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the wrong person. To us, it will feel like they are 'bad in bed'.

We are all 'good in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the right person. To us, it will feel like they are good in bed.

I have been single since 2013. Very difficult divorce and now I have almost full-time care of DC (no overnights). It is different from never having had a serious, long term relationship, I think, but I feel like I have never had a serious, long-term, functioning relationship. I just don’t feel like I have the emotional foundations and boundaries myself and when I tried, it ended up traumatising me. Functioning marriages seem another world to me. No idea how people do it, and probably too old/jaded to find out now.

[quote Onlyhereforthebiscuits]@anthurium

You're definitely right re sex being relatively easy for women to have if they want it. That being said, casual non commital sex does not interest me. In fact I'm quite OK about the no-sex thing, it doesn't bother me to be honest. Obviously if I were close with someone romantically then I would like to do that with them though. That's the thing tho - never close with anyone romantically.

Thankfully no I don't want children, or at least I don't feel a strong desire to have them...assuming that's the same thing! I'm 34 and if I did feel that urge then I'd just do it myself tbh. This is not for everyone though.[/quote]
Thanks for your reply again.

Re child on your own, I've done just that - aged 39 IVF via a sperm donor this year and I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant. Happy to share me journey on PM. A tough journey but glad to be out of the dating game for hunting for a man to procreate with!

@TheFoundations

but lack of experience for my age would mean I would be a crap shag and rubbish kisser and rubbish at all the other stuff

Experience doesn't make you a good kisser or a good anything else. It's down to compatibility. There's nothing complicated that you have to learn about having sex with/being intimate with someone who likes things just the way you like them. It's not a 'skill'. It's following your natural instincts.

We are all 'bad in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the wrong person. To us, it will feel like they are 'bad in bed'.

We are all 'good in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the right person. To us, it will feel like they are good in bed.

@TheFoundations

Excellent post!

@TheFoundations

but lack of experience for my age would mean I would be a crap shag and rubbish kisser and rubbish at all the other stuff

Experience doesn't make you a good kisser or a good anything else. It's down to compatibility. There's nothing complicated that you have to learn about having sex with/being intimate with someone who likes things just the way you like them. It's not a 'skill'. It's following your natural instincts.

We are all 'bad in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the wrong person. To us, it will feel like they are 'bad in bed'.

We are all 'good in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the right person. To us, it will feel like they are good in bed.

That's an interesting way of looking at it, thanks for taking the time to explain it.

If I ever find myself in that situation I shall try to remember this point of view in the hope it may make things slightly easier.

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits

hope it may make things slightly easier

If it feels difficult in any way, you stop. It sounds like you feel like there's things you 'should' be doing, and things you 'should' like/want. There aren't. Intimacy is a natural progression, so if it doesn't feel 100% natural and comfortable to you, it doesn't progress. There's no wonder you feel it doesn't go well if you're trying to continue when it doesn't feel easy.

When it's right, it's as natural as drinking your favourite drink when you're really thirsty; it's hard to stop yourself. If it doesn't feel like that, then slow things down and tell the other person how you feel. If you don't feel you can do that, your relationship isn't intimate enough for this level of intimacy.

Sorry for the derail, OP, but a) it may be relevant and b) it's REALLY important.

*For all the 20 ones you know, there are posters and myself who know just as many that just aren't happy or any it it because they can't leave for one reason or another. Some people also realise that they aren't prepared to go through the rigmarole of finding someone again.

Society revers partnerships/coupling up, not just socially but legally too (I know, I used to be married - tax breaks being one o them!); most people whether unknowingly or not, have been conditioned to aspire to this status and to hold on to it as long as possiblefor the fear of being alone/lonely/isolated/financially worse off....you never know what goes on behind closed doors as being single for note than a few months in your 30s onwards, is seen as a pitiful status, so they get out there quick to remedy this problem.*

The 20 happy marriages I mentioned about ARE truly happy. You can read in their eyes, humour, face expressions, genuine feeling you can't fake if you are unhappy.

I know it because they are my close friends. They are girls/ladies of my generation late 30s+. Some are from my school. some from college, university, my school years training club & gym, my work colleagues, relatives who like talking to me and I like talking to them and discuss different life and relations situations honestly. We talk openly about their and my relations too. Some are married 2nd or 3rd time but happily this time. I also know about 10 happy not married partners living together couples. 5 of them are planning to get married within 2 years.

It looks like because you divorced and had a negative experience at the end with your own marriage, you don't believe so many couples can be and can stay and are happily married.

My parents also divorced when I was 5. My grandparents stayed happily married for 47 years till my grandad died. They showed me a good example of love, respect, and devotion for each other.

None of my close enough friends stayed married not loving their husband for the sake of taxes or because they couldn't move out.

Those who truly want to move out always will. Where there is a will, there is always a way. If they didn't then they had secondary benefits they decided to put up with at their own unhappy expense but none of my friends did it. Those who were unhappy left and met other spouses to be happy with as I mentioned earlier.

@TheFoundations

but lack of experience for my age would mean I would be a crap shag and rubbish kisser and rubbish at all the other stuff

Experience doesn't make you a good kisser or a good anything else. It's down to compatibility. There's nothing complicated that you have to learn about having sex with/being intimate with someone who likes things just the way you like them. It's not a 'skill'. It's following your natural instincts.

We are all 'bad in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the wrong person. To us, it will feel like they are 'bad in bed'.

We are all 'good in bed', regardless of how much experience we have, when we're with the right person. To us, it will feel like they are good in bed.

I also agree.

We don't know who we are compatible with in life generally and sexually until we try/start dating and then living together/committing to each other (if it's what both people want).

It's a case when we live and learn from our own life experiences.

I wouldn't worry about lack of/no sexual experience.

When we just got married in 2005 my husband bought me a book 'Sex tips for girls' :). There was not much information on YouTube then yet and that book was very useful for me.

I knew most of the information already from popular newspapers & magazines but some tips reassured me that with True Love and feelings for each other, chemistry, emotional, physical, intellectual, spiritual connection sex is usually great and the technical moments of sex like positions, techniques are those you feel you are both comfortable with.

Also, it's important to know yourself and your body so you can show your bf/partner what you really like, where your most sensitive erogenous zones are and how and where you like it/to be touched, what movements and he will show to you what he likes.

Honest and open communication is always a key to great sex.

@Lana07

All the marriages I know (about 20) are truly happy.

Those who were not happy divorced and found good new husbands/partners for them.

You cannot possibly know 20 marriages well enough to say they are all happy.

As news spreads around that my husband and I are separating, people we know keep telling me how shocked they are because we were always so happy. Except that I've been scared and miserable for decades and didn't let this show to the outside world.

And there is no such thing as soul mates.

@Onlyhereforthebiscuits Very interesting posts. I have a great friend who I am almost sure would have said the same sort of things as you. Never in a relationship, casual or otherwise, until she met her now partner a couple of years ago when she was mid to late forties. No chance of the children that she had wanted when younger, but she had accepted that. She's really happy and it is lovely to see that. I am sure she felt that she would never have a relationship. Perfectly possible to be happy and have a rich and fulfilled life (which she certainly does) single but I am so pleased to see her so happy and full of fun now.

MoiranotRuby Good luck with your new free life

I have had friends who have been very long term single. One had a child in her early twenties, she was abandoned by the Father, 23 years have passed. Another was engaged and he cheated on her she has spent around 18 years alone. Both would have liked more relationships. I can see why the first has been single and not found a relationship but not the second.

Another friend just hadn’t met anyone plus she was very wrapped up with her parents. It’s nice to be close but they sort of dominated her life. She did meet someone in her late forties and is very happy.

If you want a relationship it needs some sort of priority but it also cant become the only thing. I have had a few friends who have become obsessed with finding a relationship and they became so focussed they neglected the other parts of their lives.

One issue is how dishonest people are when friends bemoan they are single. If I had told my first friend why I thought she was single it would have just hurt her and to be honest there was nothing she could have done to change it.