I want out. How to do it with as little mess as possible.

[BackingSlowlyAway]

I am in a newish relationship of about 5 months. We work together (fine in itself as lots of people in our workplace couple up and it isn't viewed as unprofessional or a no no.) However there is a decade wide age gap, with me (mid Forties) being the older partner, so we did initially keep things quite quiet. We have just begun to tell people at work and apparently someone saw us out together once so we are today's bit of gossip. Ordinarily I couldn't care less - it'll be tomorrow's chip paper and all that - we're both adults and we can have a relationship if we want to, but it does make the situation now more complicated.

I have noticed some behaviours that make me uneasy around him. He undermines me a lot. His nickname for me is LT, the L standing for 'lazy' and the T my first name. Sometimes he'll claim it stands for 'lovely' T, but it always feels like a dig. I am a single parent and I work a 45 - 50 hour week. I am not lazy. He also expresses views I find unacceptably sexist and disrespectful to women and has no concept of it being unacceptable to have sex with your sleeping partner, for example.

Also, it sounds like a little thing, but he's constantly pinching me. Little nips on the arms that are irritating and painful. I've told him it hurts, I've asked him to stop, but he just continues. He thinks he's doing it playfully. He says how can that possibly hurt? It does though. In the same manner he will thwack me repeatedly with his hoody or coat.

He has been terribly charming throughout our relationship and I have been thoroughly love bombed. He told me he was in love with me on our 3rd date and has showered me with dinners out, presents and flowers. I knew it was over the top but somehow got caught up.

Anyway the bottom line is I know he is displaying big red flags and I want out. But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over, by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.)

I just want advice on how to extricate myself without making too much mess. I have begun subtly distancing myself. Can I get away with doing a slow fade? Advice please.

I'd say cheerio and all the better if he went back home.
It's good to recognise this and it will be old news news you split up very soon

Wow the pinching! My absolute pet peeve is someone poking me or pinching even in a jokey way. I don’t think anything makes me more mad so this guy HAS to go!!!

I think after 5 months you could even get away with a text explaining you don’t feel comfortable and you want to end it.

If his plan is to go home if you split up, that would be doing you a favour, not complicating things. Always remember, things like that are HIS choice, not YOUR responsibility.

Slow fades tend to be messier, especially with someone who love-bombs anyway. He'll see you slipping away and go all-out to keep hold of you.

Simple "it's not working for me any more" to minimise his ability to argue, not being available (mute him on your personal phone, don't agree to meet), don't negotiate, don't explain. Either he'll go home or he won't, either way, not your fault and not your problem.

Also, it sounds like a little thing, but he's constantly pinching me. Little nips on the arms that are irritating and painful. I've told him it hurts, I've asked him to stop, but he just continues. He thinks he's doing it playfully. He says how can that possibly hurt? It does though. In the same manner he will thwack me repeatedly with his hoody or coat.

This is not okay. Finish it. As pp above, if he goes home then great. He thinks this is a threat to keep you. Show him it's not.

I agree. He sounds like an absolute twat, and if he fulfills his promise to go home, so much the better. Alas, I fear that is not true though. The fact that everyone sees you as a couple? Presumably they already see what type of man he is, so if you are worried what they think of you, dumping him will probably improve their opinion of you.

Having sex with a sleeping partner? Has he done that to you. It is rape.

Re your comment:-
"But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over, by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.)"

None of the above should keep you trapped and why would it?. As you rightly surmise he love bombed you from the beginning; big red flag right there. Ok so you are viewed as a couple now but you've only been with him 5 months, if you were to split up (an action I would certainly advise) you'd only be the subject of gossip for about 5 minutes. If he was to go back home post split that's his decision. Another red flag re him is that it sounds like he has used "going home" as some sort of threat or control measure to keep you in line. He likely does think you'd fall to bits without him.

This article could be helpful for you to read particularly the section entitled Guidelines for Detachment:-

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Sex with a sleeping person = rape.

Dump.

Do not do a slow fade, tell him it's over today and get it over with. Don't worry about what people from work think.

Zzzzzzzzzzz he has done it to me, yes. I know it is sex without consent - that is rape. I don't personally feel much about it other than he shouldn't be doing it. I haven't been distressed or traumatised by it. Another woman might legitimately be though.

It's the put-downs and the pinching that get to me most. He goes on about how much he loves me but I cannot think of a single character trait of mine he has ever said he admires. He constantly implies that I'm incapable and incompetent and lazy. But if you asked my friends they would say they valued my humour and intelligence. They would say I was supportive and kind hearted.

What the fuck? Who cares if he goes home? Good riddance to bad, rapey rubbish.

He also confessed to having used prostitutes in the past. I can't get past it although I have tried to see it from his perspective. I know it is a contentious issue but my own view of prostitution is that it is a form of exploitation and violence against women. That is what I believe. I just don't want a partner who has engaged in this.

Fucking hell, end this now.

You are being negged, my love! Bin him off!!

The rape alone should be enough for you to end this.

Take your phone in your hand..
Text him right now that things aren't working for you anymore and you are therefore ending the relationship..
Then block him.
He is an abusive rapist.

There now you know.

To keep it painless, tell him that you have been re-evaluating the relationship since it became office gossip and you've realised that it's not working for you anymore. If he gets nasty about it, which I suspect he will, you can list all the things that you aren't happy about. But by then he will have made that choice to make it an unpleasant break up.

If you work together a slow fade won’t work. You need to cut it off cleanly and unequivocally; be prepared to be professional but cold.

If he goes home it’ll make things easier for you.

@BackingSlowlyAway

He also confessed to having used prostitutes in the past. I can't get past it although I have tried to see it from his perspective. I know it is a contentious issue but my own view of prostitution is that it is a form of exploitation and violence against women. That is what I believe. I just don't want a partner who has engaged in this.

What's contentious about it? I have no one in my friendship or even work group, male or female, who would condone the use of prostitutes, under any circumstances. He sounds really horribly misogynistic to me. Don't worry about his feelings, he already doesn't respect women, that's clear

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Take your phone in your hand.. Text him right now that things aren't working for you anymore and you are therefore ending the relationship.. Then block him. He is an abusive rapist. There now you know.

Send the message. You want out. You owe him nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know he's a wrong un. Get out now.

Don't get into a long discussion. No long messages. Short and swift. Then block him.

It's just very hard to reconcile that with the whole person I know, Brolly. Who can be absolutely lovely. I recognise the warning signs for DV and I know that having sex with a sleeping person is rape. But I don't think he knows that. I think he thinks it's fine.

What a loser.
I would be waving him off if he goes home.
Either way, in the bin he goes.

He sounds AWFUL, OP. You don't need to worry about ending it. He's being physically, sexually and emotionally abusive. I would just say 'I'm calling it a day, things aren't working for me.'

@AttilaTheMeerkat. That’s a Very good link!!

I agree with the PP. Get your phone out now and tell him it's over. Let's hope he does go back home. I wonder why you're not more affected by the fact he's had sex with you without your consent. You seem too calm - do you think you are feeling numb?

Imo shagging prostitutes is his true attitude to sex. He wants it. He takes it. Paid or a freebie...
Raise your bar op. He isn't a nice guy. He is a fake twat.