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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want out. How to do it with as little mess as possible.

94 replies

BackingSlowlyAway · 07/10/2021 14:03

I am in a newish relationship of about 5 months. We work together (fine in itself as lots of people in our workplace couple up and it isn't viewed as unprofessional or a no no.) However there is a decade wide age gap, with me (mid Forties) being the older partner, so we did initially keep things quite quiet. We have just begun to tell people at work and apparently someone saw us out together once so we are today's bit of gossip. Ordinarily I couldn't care less - it'll be tomorrow's chip paper and all that - we're both adults and we can have a relationship if we want to, but it does make the situation now more complicated.

I have noticed some behaviours that make me uneasy around him. He undermines me a lot. His nickname for me is LT, the L standing for 'lazy' and the T my first name. Sometimes he'll claim it stands for 'lovely' T, but it always feels like a dig. I am a single parent and I work a 45 - 50 hour week. I am not lazy. He also expresses views I find unacceptably sexist and disrespectful to women and has no concept of it being unacceptable to have sex with your sleeping partner, for example.

Also, it sounds like a little thing, but he's constantly pinching me. Little nips on the arms that are irritating and painful. I've told him it hurts, I've asked him to stop, but he just continues. He thinks he's doing it playfully. He says how can that possibly hurt? It does though. In the same manner he will thwack me repeatedly with his hoody or coat.

He has been terribly charming throughout our relationship and I have been thoroughly love bombed. He told me he was in love with me on our 3rd date and has showered me with dinners out, presents and flowers. I knew it was over the top but somehow got caught up.

Anyway the bottom line is I know he is displaying big red flags and I want out. But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over, by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.)

I just want advice on how to extricate myself without making too much mess. I have begun subtly distancing myself. Can I get away with doing a slow fade? Advice please.

OP posts:

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 14:53

hopeandsafety.org/learn-more/patterns-of-physical-abuse/

@BackingSlowlyAway pinching is literally top of the list!

This guy sounds like an abuser. The lovebombing is standard. The pushing physical boundaries is standard. The subtle put downs to erode your selfesteem are standard. The using your body as a sec toy is standard.

I'm really worried for you. He literally has "domestic violence" written all over him!!!

HollowTalk · 07/10/2021 14:54

Just out of interest, OP, what was he like financially? Were you paying for dates? Does he owe you money? It's just that he has such an entitled attitude that I wondered whether he was also financially abusive.

AnotherGo123 · 07/10/2021 14:56

Five months. Oh get out now. Thank your lucky stars you are seeing all this now and able to leave. I ignored red flags at 5 months and now in an unhappy marriage trying to work out how to leave it - and there will be an almighty mess. It's five months. He is a classic abuser type. He'll make a huge drama, threaten all types of things, and then he will disappear. But the mess will only get bigger the longer you stay with it.

namechange30455 · 07/10/2021 14:56

@BackingSlowlyAway

It's just very hard to reconcile that with the whole person I know, Brolly. Who can be absolutely lovely. I recognise the warning signs for DV and I know that having sex with a sleeping person is rape. But I don't think he knows that. I think he thinks it's fine.

So what if he thinks it's fine? You know it's not fine. So end it.

I don't understand what is stopping you. You don't seem to even like him very much, and I don't blame you - he sounds revolting. Is it just a bit of awkwardness at work that's stopping you? You don't owe him anything for the (OTT, red flaggy, rapey) effort he has put into the relationship.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 14:58

@BackingSlowlyAway

Does it matter if he thinks it's fine? Why the fuck would that make it better?!

He thinks there's nothing wrong with abuse and rape, so that makes it ok? You're letting him twist your reality already. I promise you if you don't get out know he will hit you sooner or later.

You're a single mom. Is this the type of person you want to let around your kid when the relationship progresses? Is that a good model for them?

Please don't be stupid.

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 14:59

Eurgh op he’s awful. No one at work cares as much as you think don’t worry. Just a polite oh we dated that was about it, just say that if anyone is nosy. Hope you are ok.

Cas112 · 07/10/2021 15:00

OMG I hate this, me and my boyfriend play fight and he has done this to me once, SOOOOOO painful.

Original poster

BackingSlowlyAway · 07/10/2021 15:01

I really appreciate everyone's help. Am on a split shift and have to go back to work until late, so haven't disappeared if I don't seem to be replying. I will come back to the thread later on tonight.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/10/2021 15:02

Abusers can be lovely sometimes to their chosen target because if they were not, no-one would want to be with them. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse this individual shows you is a continuous one.

What sort of a relationship example did your parents model to you?.

His needs are not more important than yours are here.

Love your own self for a change and rebuild you from the ground up through counselling. Have a look too at the Freedom Programme which can also be done online here.

Alonghairinapie · 07/10/2021 15:03

We’ll still be here later. Hope you’re ok.

JudgementalCactus · 07/10/2021 15:05

@BackingSlowlyAway when you have a little time I would encourage you to have a look at Dr Ramani's youtube channel. She's a therapist specialising in narcissistic abuse. Her content is so so helpful to learn to spot it early on. I'm sure if would help you see him for what he really is.

TheWholeWorld · 07/10/2021 15:08

All the little things you've listed OP add up to a very unpleasant picture.

And before you leap in again with oh he's lovely my DH has never, not once, ever pinched me, given me an unpleasant nickname, told me I'm lazy, flicked me with his coat, had sex with me while I'm sleeping, been pushy, tried to emotionally blackmail me or anything else horrible and we've been together 13 years.

After 5 months you've experienced all that and are wondering how to end it - my advice is that you do anything you like: phone call, carrier pigeon, post it on his desk, email, shout 'you're dumped' through his letter box. Doesn't matter, he's horrible, you owe him nothing. No need to be nice about it.

DressBitch · 07/10/2021 15:09

This man sounds absolutely vile.

How many times has he had sex with you while you're sleeping? Once is too fucking many, OP.

HyacynthBucket · 07/10/2021 15:12

Keep it brief and factual OP. Just text him as others have suggested - no explanations or anything. Just it isn't working and you are ending it. Don't meet or discuss, there is no need. If anyone at work comments, just say you decided to end it, that's all.

NatashaRf · 07/10/2021 15:15

Him leaving the country makes it easier to break up with the guy surely.

He's admitted he thinks rape is ok. LTB now.

1forAll74 · 07/10/2021 15:21

I am surprised that you didn't get the measure of this odd person earlier, and only after about six months. Telling you that he loves you after a third date . are the words of someone with two brain cells, Hurting you in different ways,also shows he is lacking in some intelligence somewhere.

It should be easy to bin off someone like this, unless he can be nasty and can't control his weird emotions and ways.

dottiedodah · 07/10/2021 15:26

He sounds somewhat alarming to me! Using prostitutes is a big red flag. Reeks of entitlement and control issues , also pinching you ,calling you lazy and "smacking " you with his coat WTAF. are you doing with this loser ? Calling you lazy and molesting you while you sleep . I would just say its not working for you and dump. Any way possible .Just a text even .Good riddance .Let him fuck right off right now!

Notonthestairs · 07/10/2021 15:31

What exactly are you worried about - do you think he'll try and blacken your name at work? Turn up at your home? Emotional blackmail?

You need to get shot of him - fast, no fade out.

Personally I'd go with its run it's course. It's difficult to argue with.

GoodnightGrandma · 07/10/2021 15:55

He sounds very immature and, actually, abusive.
Do whatever you need to end the relationship with this fuckwit.

sospspsp · 07/10/2021 16:00

Fucking hell, BLOCK BLOCK BLOKE!
His behaviour is not acceptable
It's is I legal in fact - that how immoral it is.
He is scum, get rid!

TreeSmuggler · 07/10/2021 16:02

He sounds horrible. Surely him immediately leaving the country if you break up is a good thing. That's the dream scenario in fact.

I'd love it if my ex's left the country, in fact I'd love it if they left planet earth.

Pinkbonbon · 07/10/2021 16:08

He sounds absolutely terrifying. And he does know it is not OK to have sex with someone who is asleep and cannot consent. He just doesn't want you to know he knows.

Im glad it hasn't affected you too badly. Buy you're right, it could seriously fuck someones life up.

Tell him it isn't working for you anymore and block him. If you have a nice manager or decent hr department I would also be inclined to tell them about his behaviour and ask if he could be moved to a different department. Quite frankly he sounds like a risk to women in general.

Bollindger · 07/10/2021 16:12

He is a player and abuser.
Hence the love bombing and love declarations .
He is trying to train you, drain yourself confidence, and probably rob you if he can.
He is already saying he will go home if you leave him.
Just tell him it isn't working.
Just keep saying that, and no explanations, because if you give him a reason he will try to solve it.

ArranMumma · 07/10/2021 16:19

Sounds like you have made up your mind. Just be honest and firm with him. He may lovebomb you and try to talk you out of it but hold firm. He has many lovely qualities I’m sure but you’ve clearly realised that you’re not long term compatible and that’s totally fine and for the best. Don’t worry about it being messy, the longer you are together the messier it will get so there won’t be a better time to do it.

Mix56 · 07/10/2021 16:26

Ugh.... hopefully he will indeed go home.

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