I want out. How to do it with as little mess as possible.

[BackingSlowlyAway]

I am in a newish relationship of about 5 months. We work together (fine in itself as lots of people in our workplace couple up and it isn't viewed as unprofessional or a no no.) However there is a decade wide age gap, with me (mid Forties) being the older partner, so we did initially keep things quite quiet. We have just begun to tell people at work and apparently someone saw us out together once so we are today's bit of gossip. Ordinarily I couldn't care less - it'll be tomorrow's chip paper and all that - we're both adults and we can have a relationship if we want to, but it does make the situation now more complicated.

I have noticed some behaviours that make me uneasy around him. He undermines me a lot. His nickname for me is LT, the L standing for 'lazy' and the T my first name. Sometimes he'll claim it stands for 'lovely' T, but it always feels like a dig. I am a single parent and I work a 45 - 50 hour week. I am not lazy. He also expresses views I find unacceptably sexist and disrespectful to women and has no concept of it being unacceptable to have sex with your sleeping partner, for example.

Also, it sounds like a little thing, but he's constantly pinching me. Little nips on the arms that are irritating and painful. I've told him it hurts, I've asked him to stop, but he just continues. He thinks he's doing it playfully. He says how can that possibly hurt? It does though. In the same manner he will thwack me repeatedly with his hoody or coat.

He has been terribly charming throughout our relationship and I have been thoroughly love bombed. He told me he was in love with me on our 3rd date and has showered me with dinners out, presents and flowers. I knew it was over the top but somehow got caught up.

Anyway the bottom line is I know he is displaying big red flags and I want out. But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over, by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.)

I just want advice on how to extricate myself without making too much mess. I have begun subtly distancing myself. Can I get away with doing a slow fade? Advice please.

You know that rape and pinching are not funny quirks, it's abuse and needs to end.

If you don't want to call it out, then tell him you don't have feelings for him or that your feelings have changed and that you know you won't change back. Tell others your feelings for him didn't and won't develop so it's over. Repeatedly say it's over and talk as though you are single and not going back. Be confident when you communicate as he sounds manipulative and will try to play the victim, blame you, plead, and twist the situation. Expect this and be very clear it's over.

I'd open that laptop and suggest he starts looking for flights right now

He's vile
You deserve better
Get him out of your life immediately
How dare he treat you like this
Why are you not raging ?

Just split. If he wants to go home so be it.

@BackingSlowlyAway

He also confessed to having used prostitutes in the past. I can't get past it although I have tried to see it from his perspective. I know it is a contentious issue but my own view of prostitution is that it is a form of exploitation and violence against women. That is what I believe. I just don't want a partner who has engaged in this.

But sleeping with someone without consent is also a form of exploitation and violence.

I can't get my head round that him raping you doesn't bother you.

He would have been history the second he tried that shit with me

@BackingSlowlyAway

It's just very hard to reconcile that with the whole person I know, Brolly. Who can be absolutely lovely. I recognise the warning signs for DV and I know that having sex with a sleeping person is rape. But I don't think he knows that. I think he thinks it's fine.

Really doesn't matter what he thinks.

Truthfully you should report it to the police, but one day some woman will, then he will know (not that he doesn't already, every man knows what rape is)

Are you on very reliable contraception @BackingSlowlyAway?

Doesn't it bother you that he could have ejaculated in you when you slept and gotten you pregnant?

Oh OP I feel for you. I am also mid-forties hard working single parent and I can totally imagine getting caught up by the romance and charm. God knows it's in short supply otherwise! Thank goodness you've realised at this stage what a stupid tosser he is and can end it quickly. I am sure everybody at work will soon move on, I like the PP who suggested saying casually "oh we dated" if it comes up. Very cool. Take care of yourself - better things are around the corner.

Don't you just say to him, hey, I've been thinking and this isn't working for me at all. Hope you have a nice life, don't call me. Oh,and a word of advice for the future. Calling people lazy and pinching them is a massive turn off.

Sigggghhhhhhhhhh

You don’t owe the condescending pinchy arseholery a thing.
He calls you lazy, he pinches you despite explicitly being told not to and he climbs on board and helps himself when you haven’t consented.

Please rebuild your boundaries and get off the express train to misery. Tell this man to go away.

Okay, so let me get this straight:

• he has sex with you without your consent (aka rape)
• he has a demeaning nickname for you
• he puts you down
• he physically hurts you, despite you asking him to stop
• he has used prostitutes in the past and is perfectly open about it
• he attempts to blackmail you into staying with him by threatening to 'leave the country' if you dump him.

Jeez OP, just take a look at that list for a minute.

Good advice upthread to tell him you've been thinking about the relationship since it became public knowledge in the office and have decided that it's no longer working for you and you wish to end it. I hope he leaves the country. This relationship has more red flags than a boy scout jamboree.

Dump over the phone. He’s been horrible to you. You deserve better.

Do not answer the door without checking who it is first. Be careful when you are out. Don’t go walking with headphones on etc as you can’t hear who is around you. For at least a month.

Sometimes these arseholes like to have a woman under their thumb and when she decides enough is enough they can turn nasty. Be very careful.

Change your routine if you can. Walk home with friends not alone etc. Don’t let him in even if he says it’s ‘just to talk’. It won’t be it will be so he can persuade you back. This may fail and then the pinching could become punching when he gets angry that you can’t see him as the good guy he likely thinks he is but the truth is the opposite.

I’m not trying to scare you just making you think about your safety if he turns nasty. You know he has it in him.

It sounds like he is ramping up the abuse in a very slow and subtle way. You've only been together 5 months. It should be easy not difficult. He is love bombing you so you'll be confused about the pinches, the having sex with you whilst you are asleep (huge red flag there) the digs about you being lazy etc The fact he has said he will go back home if you finish it says all the more reason to get rid of him now. Just tell him you don't feel the same way about him and you no longer want to be in a relationship with him. If he pushes as to why list all the things you've said here, and how they are not acceptable to you. Or any woman.

He’s hurting you, deliberately, to see if you will put up with it. And you are. You need to protect yourself from this man, not apologise for him!

You see if text him and say ‘this relationship is over - on every level. You had sex with me with I was sleeping and unable to consent on x date of September. In addition you keep assaulting me physically by pinching me - despite me telling you - it hurt who have carried on and trivialised my feelings. You continue to insult me and refer to me as LT which stays for x - it’s deeply offensive. You treatment of me is extremely abusive in every way and it’s over.’ I would report the behaviour all of it to the police and hr - now.

Please don’t suffer in silence. It’s rape, physical abuse and verbal and mental abuse.

I do think you should tell someone in hr everything. Maybe just one women. And for the sake of having it on file 'just incase he kicks off or does anything to try and damage my career or defame me'.

Because these sorts tend to try and bring you down once you tell them to jog on. Their egos don't like it.

@reader12

He’s hurting you, deliberately, to see if you will put up with it. And you are. You need to protect yourself from this man, not apologise for him!

He’ll ramp up the abuse to see just what you’ll tolerate OP. For goodness sake see the many red flags and boot him out before he’s drawn you further into his spider’s web. Horrible man.

Please please please get yourself out of this relationship as quickly as you can.

He's had sex with you while you slept? - the only reason needed
He has mysognistic views - the only reason needed
He physically hurts you, regularly - the only reason needed
When you tell him he's hurt you, he tells you you're wrong (can you see how out of order that is? Try puching him in the balls then when he tells you it hurts tell him he's wrong).
He calls you lazy
Winds you up deliberately

You say he's been charming. His behaviour is about as far from charming as it's possible to be. He sounds abolsutely vile.

And so what if he moves country if you split - that sounds like a good outcome for you. (and by the way, that's another one for the list - he's emotionally blackmailing you - another dumpable offence on its own).

Please get your life back and dump this man. He won't get better. He will get worse. He's abusing you sexually, physically and emotionally. You owe him nothing. Except ideally a phone call to the Police.

Does he punch other people especially men?

Does he have charming nick names for other cop workers like Dopey Dave or stupid Sarah?

He does know it’s wrong to have sex with a sleeping woman.

Seriously tell him to get lost. It’s 20 weeks.

T
You don’t owe him

I'm not sure why him returning to his home country would be a bad thing.... we've already got enough abusers without importing them as well.

Incidentally have you tried pinching him back - hard. Would he say that's not comfortable? His fingers are larger and have far more strength though. So perhaps not something to bother with, given his behaviour is forcing you to end the relationship anyway.

I think the poster who saud give HR a heads up makes a good point.

Say his behaviour has forced you to end the relationship, and his attitudes towards women in general.are concerning.

Because these sorts tend to try and bring you down once you tell them to jog on. Their egos don't like it.

Yeah, if hes going on lime this while you're with him, can only imagine the things gell say when you finish wity him .... i can imagine your age and being a single mum will feature highly. I can imagine comments on figure and body parts that were previously perfectly acceptable, may now be derided.

I had an.abuser who elbowed me while speaking to me, I dont think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, he was just clueless, in self aware and wanted full attention while telling his anecdotes. He of course scoffed when I said, could you stop elbowing me, it's sore. I was talking nonsense, and was acting like a intolerant prissy, delicate little flowers and exaggerating. This man was also extremely chauvinist- he tried hard to hide it under a mantle of concern and sympathy for women bit it came through more and more during the relationship; I have never heard someone I the word spinster so much .... abdcwgen I finished with him, he predictably couldn't let ot go without calling me a spinster (no winder you're a 36 Yr old spinster), he also repeatedly told me I was "flaky" whi h was ironic given I persevered with him through nearly a year and a half of essentially abuse.

he attempts to blackmail you into staying with him by threatening to 'leave the country' if you dump him.

The women of the UK would thank you whole heartedly.

You are a strong professional woman but you are behaving like a timid teenager.
Tell this moron right now the relationship is over and you are not going to be seeing him again.
And hope he enjoys the flight home - trust me he won't be going home it's just an empty threat.
Anyone who kept pinching me would get a le creuset saucepan to the back of the head.

Why are you making excuses for his behaviour?