I want out. How to do it with as little mess as possible.

[BackingSlowlyAway]

I am in a newish relationship of about 5 months. We work together (fine in itself as lots of people in our workplace couple up and it isn't viewed as unprofessional or a no no.) However there is a decade wide age gap, with me (mid Forties) being the older partner, so we did initially keep things quite quiet. We have just begun to tell people at work and apparently someone saw us out together once so we are today's bit of gossip. Ordinarily I couldn't care less - it'll be tomorrow's chip paper and all that - we're both adults and we can have a relationship if we want to, but it does make the situation now more complicated.

I have noticed some behaviours that make me uneasy around him. He undermines me a lot. His nickname for me is LT, the L standing for 'lazy' and the T my first name. Sometimes he'll claim it stands for 'lovely' T, but it always feels like a dig. I am a single parent and I work a 45 - 50 hour week. I am not lazy. He also expresses views I find unacceptably sexist and disrespectful to women and has no concept of it being unacceptable to have sex with your sleeping partner, for example.

Also, it sounds like a little thing, but he's constantly pinching me. Little nips on the arms that are irritating and painful. I've told him it hurts, I've asked him to stop, but he just continues. He thinks he's doing it playfully. He says how can that possibly hurt? It does though. In the same manner he will thwack me repeatedly with his hoody or coat.

He has been terribly charming throughout our relationship and I have been thoroughly love bombed. He told me he was in love with me on our 3rd date and has showered me with dinners out, presents and flowers. I knew it was over the top but somehow got caught up.

Anyway the bottom line is I know he is displaying big red flags and I want out. But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over, by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.)

I just want advice on how to extricate myself without making too much mess. I have begun subtly distancing myself. Can I get away with doing a slow fade? Advice please.

Right I'm back from work.

To the poster who asked if I was afraid he would try to blacken my name at work - yes I am. A lot of the workforce is male and from the same place as him - it is a conservative and macho culture. The thought of all the men talking and whispering about me is hard to take.

For the poster who asked had I ever pinched back? Yes, actually. I also told him once that if he pinched me again I'd thump him. Both times I retaliated he got cross and sulky about it - apparently I had actually hurt him when he only does it lightly. But I've told him it hurts.

As for him thinking rape is OK. He doesn't, I'm sure, it's just that like a lot of men his idea of rape involves overt physical violence. I truly believe that he wouldn't understand it wasn't OK, what he did. I'm sure he would think we're partners, we have consensual sex all the time, maybe backingaway might enjoy being woken up this way. As for why I'm not upset about it, I don't know. I just don't feel much about it.

Going to HR at my workplace is a laughable idea. Nobody is going to protect me at work. Our HR manager is like a racist, sexist 1970's throwback and our manager is a pure bread head who only cares about his bottom line. They will both view it as a vaguely embarrassing private matter.

Might be time to look for a new job then op. Must be shitty working in that environment anyway. You can do better! And deserve more than working with these toxic asshats.

Plus I feel ashamed. I knew he was being over the top and that it was a red flag but at the same time I did allow myself to entertain the possibility that he really was just head over heels with me. He made such an effort to win me over. I thought he really did love me and now I feel stupid.

@BackingSlowlyAway

He also confessed to having used prostitutes in the past. I can't get past it although I have tried to see it from his perspective. I know it is a contentious issue but my own view of prostitution is that it is a form of exploitation and violence against women. That is what I believe. I just don't want a partner who has engaged in this.

What TF?! Just read your posts op. What would you say to someone else? LTB

Can you get another job too?

He deceived you as he deceives himself.
You felt that he was in love with you because that’s what he presented. You took it at face value because it seemed real. You’re not stupid, you’re a decent human being and you responded to love.

The work situation is unfortunate, I’ll say. You’ll have to make your peace with having nothing to prove. You didn’t ask for, or cause, this situation.

You are not an idiot. I don't know anyone that hasn't got involved with the wrong man at some stage. Your boundaries have been blurred however and that's worth taking some time to think about.

I asked about whether he'd talk at work.

You have to get rid quickly. He does sound like he'll make things hard and public. You'll have to freeze out any work comments and plough on. But keep a record/diary of any comments or treatment - HR might be crap but there is legislation to protect you in the workplace - use it.

As discussed someone else will take your place as hot gossip quickly enough.

Anyway the bottom line is I know he is displaying big red flags and I want out. But I feel trapped by how much effort he's gone to to win me over his choice
by the fact that we work together and everyone is beginning to view us as a couple, with your elaboration on this I can see why it bothers you but you just say Denis? We saw each other a bit for - I think it was a few months. It fizzled, I don’t know what he said but we’re definitely not compatible.

and by the fact that he has said if we ever split he will go immediately back home (he isn't British.) well that would be amazing but a good chance it was just a veiled threat to keep you in line and he will hang around like a shag on a rock, and you know that I think from your comments about how he’s likely to be a problem at work!

I’d recommend looking or another job too. As soon as possible as it sounds that you cannot win in your current job. Good luck in your next job

@BonnesVacances

To keep it painless, tell him that you have been re-evaluating the relationship since it became office gossip and you've realised that it's not working for you anymore. If he gets nasty about it, which I suspect he will, you can list all the things that you aren't happy about. But by then he will have made that choice to make it an unpleasant break up.

I think this is a good way out.

OP, he sounds truly vile.

Nasty, scary and highly abusive.

I would actually log your number with 101 because he sounds so dreadful.

Don't hesitate to report him if he becomes unpleasant.

He is a very nasty piece of work.

He is regularly assaulting you with pinching and deliberately hurting you, despite being asked not to.

Get over your embarrassment and get rid of him.

Tell him the relationship is now over. And tell colleagues you are no longer an item.

1. Get rid of bloke. Tonight.
2. Start looking for a new job. Tomorrow

Lady! How many of us do you need to tell you? Run!

Finish with him and tomorrow, go and look for the biggest gossip in your office and tell them that you have finished, that unfortunately work and pleasure do not mix and it is definitely over. Then get on with your happier life.

Nobody needed to tell me really Honeygriff. I began the thread sure in the knowledge that it needed to end. I just want to end it without having to deal with any unpleasant repercussions. Quiet, amicable, and drama free would be ideal. For some reason I feel very nervous indeed.

Tell him he's too wonderful for you.

He out of your league, he's the dog's bollocks and you would always feel insecure because he's fantastic.

He should believe that, most do.

Tell him you've dedicated yourself too religion and taken a vow of chastity. Offer to pray with him.

@BackingSlowlyAway

Nobody needed to tell me really Honeygriff. I began the thread sure in the knowledge that it needed to end. I just want to end it without having to deal with any unpleasant repercussions. Quiet, amicable, and drama free would be ideal. For some reason I feel very nervous indeed.

OP,

Your gut is screaming at you and warning you to be careful.

Don't ignore it.

This is a really vile, abusive man.

Ring Women's aid for advice.

Log your phone number with 101 and do not hesitate to ring them if he even slightly becomes unpleasant.

Stay safe.

@BackingSlowlyAway
You sound absolutely lovely and reasonable.
I agree with the posters who mention its your gut telling you to be careful as you don't know what he will do next.
Really crap that you can't count on work but on the other hand you wouldn't involve them if this was outside of the work environment.
Are there any female managers you can approach before you break up with him. (Hardest thing ever I think!) if not you're just going to have to grin and bare the gossip..
I think (cos I'm a coward) I'd make dates / arrangements with girl friends and keep being unavailable for him. Then when he says anything I'd say it's not working for me. Good luck!
I dated a dick once - I'm so so grateful it ended!! Can't believe I let it continue for so long- I think I was on the verge of a stomach ulcer!!
Let us know what you decide to do! Xx