Can life experiences make someone unlovable?

[LadybirdyBirdylady]

I don't believe that anyone is born unlovable and I believe that love is something others 'give', I suppose, rather than there being something that we do to elicit it. Maybe. I don't know!

But can people be so damaged by their life experiences that they become unlovable? That people can't see lovable qualities in them?

Even when people have come to a point through therapy or choice to 'love themselves' - confident, good self care, good boundaries, treat themselves kindly and with respect, can there still be 'something about them' that makes them unlovable to others?

Ooh, interesting question. It depends how you view love I think. Is it something that we are or something we give to others? I believe we are born loveable, expressive and able to assert our needs and often things go awry and we become detached from all that. Therapy, self care etc can help to 'break through' to the unrealised self so there is capacity for greater connection to the core of who we are, buy in my opinion this won't necessarily makes us more likeable, it will probably mean we give less of a shit of the approval of others. Which to me feels like the ultimate liberation. Because then you can be in relationship but not demand anything of that relationship as you are able to meet your own needs and assert yourself without fear where necessary. I suppose the bottom line is that most of us project our stuff onto each other all the time so once we are liberated from the need to do this we will remember that we are human and live alongside each other in interdependence, not codependent needy, people pleasing, using etc etc.

And I also think life experiences can make anyone believe they are unloveable, especially children. It's not true though. I hope you're ok OP.

Love as an abstract noun and a verb I suppose.

So for someone to have the feeling of 'love' towards you but also want to treat you in a loving way.

For a person to elicit those feelings in someone else of care, empathy, wanting to stand by them, support... To care enough about them to want to be those things for them and receive it from them in return.

Of course, we should be able to do those things for ourselves but many people find others who wish for those things for them too or to support them in those things.

Not people pleasing or co-dependency, just a positive regard without conditions or hostile criticism. Without constantly being on the lookout for 'better'.

I just wonder if, for some people, no amount of therapy or 'working on yourself' is ever going to be enough and there is just something that reads as a 'lack' to others.

And not being loved but unable to recognise it because a person doesn't know what love looks like.

Just to never experience that from another person.

Where a person is so damaged they become an island where they are unable to let anyone ashore but equally no one wants to step foot ashore either.

And by can't let anyone ashore, I really mean unable to see when someone is on the boat and waiting to alight.

You could be describing my husband except that he doesn't have the adverse life experiences.

He rushes to please people he scarcely knows at a vast cost to the people who love him. He discards that love and gives no value to it.

He has no friends. Over time, he's driven away mine.

Yes they can eg abused kids who turn into pathological liars as adults, or sexually / physically abused kids who repeat the cycle as adults. every ‘evil’ person has a tragic backstory.

I don’t love/like myself and no one has ever loved me. To be fair, I’ve only ever been in relationships with incredibly abusive arseholes so that’s not really surprising!

@Ozanj

Yes they can eg abused kids who turn into pathological liars as adults, or sexually / physically abused kids who repeat the cycle as adults. every ‘evil’ person has a tragic backstory.

But what about where abuse has happened and the person has dealt with it and is, even if only superficially, a functioning member of society? Not a pathological liar or a psychopath or a narcissist, just someone who hasn't experienced the world as a safe place. Who has learnt to love themselves and treat themselves well but doesn't elicit those feelings in another person.

Someone that others don't love or fall in love with.

I don’t know about loveable but there are some people so damage by past experiences that it would be unwise to form any sort of relationship with.

@Hen2018

I don’t love/like myself and no one has ever loved me. To be fair, I’ve only ever been in relationships with incredibly abusive arseholes so that’s not really surprising!

Can I ask, do you think you could be loved?

Does it bother you or are you quite pragmatic about it all?

@RethinkingLife

You could be describing my husband except that he doesn't have the adverse life experiences.

He rushes to please people he scarcely knows at a vast cost to the people who love him. He discards that love and gives no value to it.

He has no friends. Over time, he's driven away mine.

That sounds really tough.

Do you feel loved by him even if he rejects your love? I suppose it would be hard to feel it in those circumstances.

He discards that love and gives no value to it.

I know it's dofferent because he doesn't have the adverse life experiences but does he recognise what you are doing/giving as love? Does he know that love is what he is rejecting?

@Pyewackect

I don’t know about loveable but there are some people so damage by past experiences that it would be unwise to form any sort of relationship with.

Yes, I understand that. I know that sometimes it results in abusive behaviours but, where there is no abuse, how else could it be unwise? Or would it always be abusive on some level?

Do you think someone could still fall in love with/love them even if that person recognised a relationship was unwise?

After all, 'romantic' relationships and love don't necessarily go hand in hand.

Of course. Life experiences shape us as people. Of course they can make us seem unlikeable and/or unlovable to some.

@Balonzette

Of course. Life experiences shape us as people. Of course they can make us seem unlikeable and/or unlovable to some.

I when you put it as simply as that intakes perfect sense!

Do you think there is a way around it?

Where people are liked, have friends, can even have relationships but where those never result in love?

@LadybirdyBirdylady I’ve gone past caring about it. I’ve been single for nearly 17 years, apart from short relationships (short from necessity, as they were nasty).

I’ve no idea if I could ever be loved at any point in the future. It seems as unlikely as whether or not I could run a marathon in the future, or learn Portuguese. Technically possible, but probably not!

I love my dc and I allow myself to be loved by them. I feel loved by them and we have an incredibly close bond.
I've been with their Dad, my partner, for 15years and I believe he does his best to love me but I can't let him. I feel somehow violated if I let anyone who isn't one of my dc get close.

I have no friends. Acquaintances who have tried to become friends end up cut off. I can't stand the invasion.

Yes this happens. It has happened to me

I often feel that people instantly get a ‘bad feeling’ about me. I have no friends. Very few people like me.

I was emotionally abused from a baby to leaving home. I knew my mother didn’t like or love me and I think I built a wall.
I think I also as a child developed some oddities that have stayed with me and make me seem strange and unapproachable and weird

Have a read of this core beliefs article - I think you'll find it really illuminating.

It's our response to life experiences that makes us lovable or not, rather than the experiences themselves. Unless we renounce our responsibility for our responses, nothing can 'make us' anything.

You can have a bad day and respond by yelling at your partner. You can have a bad day and respond by asking your partner for a cuddle and doing something nice together.

If an experience could make a person unlovable, then everybody who had that experience would be unlovable. That's not the case with any experience, so there has to be a personal element.

Thank you, Sarahlou

I have read that article before. I did do some ofnthebrewriting but it didn't have any long term effect. The core beliefs are, I think, too strong and too deep and I don't often get results that contradict them.

Even when I have, I've found it difficult to replicate them in future - even with practise.

The fear is still always there. Always.

I have children. I love them and I know they love me but beyond that, it's nearly impossible.

I have spoken with close friends about it and end up just feeling frustrated that my experience is being diminished when they say things like "but you have been loved and you are loved" because my experiences show otherwise.

I like me but I can't see it in others. And I can see from reading that article that I don't 'love' myself despite countless hours of therapy over the years, practising self care, taking responsibility for self and my own actions. All of it.

It's making life unbearable at the moment.

I go out, I have hobbies, I see friends but it's only a temporary respite from the despair I feel.

What a thought provoking thread.

I don't think I'm meant to be loved. With the exception of my DD.

My parents disliked me and certainly didn't love me.

But if you met me, I'm an outgoing social person with lots of friends. I care about them, they care about me. But love is something else. I think I have walls up that I won't ever lower. And I'm really ok with that.

I've had years of therapy to deal with lots of the issues from my childhood so I do know it's a hang over from that. But I don't think I'll move my position enough to accept being loved.