Do you ever feel guilty giving your children the father they have?

[EddyF]

I was talking to a friend recently, and she stated that despite her children being older, she has a profound sadness in choosing so wrong regarding their father. She believes that her children would have had a better fulfilled life had she chosen better or left the relationship when they were very small. She stated that her parenting was also greatly impacted because of the stress dealing with him (she describes him as a narc).

It got me thinking that when we fall in love/make a life with someone, do we rarely think about our partner’s parenting capacity before having children ? I’m not sure if I am explaining this well, but for example, I’m not keen on my ex as well, but I’m not sure if I would have had the foresight to ‘know’ what kind of father he would have turned out to be. He’s actually an OK father to our daughter, but if I had a choice, I don’t think I would have chosen him! Simply because we have such differing views on parenting/politics/just life in general. But the dating stages none of that mattered it seems (I was super young but still).

I think for a lot of women, it’s only after children that they are able to accept the characters of their partners are sketchy/bad, but it’s too late.

I actively thought he would be a good father to children, before having them. Turned out I was basing that view on the wrong characteristics, but that's another question!
I also thought he knew more than me about healthy family relationships as he came from a strong, stable family who didn't argue. That also turned out to be wrong.
I don't feel guilty - he's not awful - but I'm a bit sorry I didn't get them a really good dad.

I gave careful thought to it and walked away from a long term boyfriend in my twenties as he wasn’t good enough to be a father to my children. Dh is an amazing parent this is no accident. I am quite hard headed though had a lovely secure upbringing myself and was in a position to be picky with men. Thinking about it both my sisters also have excellent husbands who are very good fathers. I think your own upbringing plays a part as well as self confidence and some luck.

No. My husband is a very good father to our son. Unfortunately our marriage isn’t going well so sometimes I wish I hadn’t married him.

I don’t think it’s as simple as choosing the wrong type - I would have sworn that we had a relationship of equals until the dc came. I had the immense good luck to have found, against the odds given my childhood, a man of good character who has stepped up to the challenges of parenting with a good degree of poking and complaining from me

I expected to be a very different type of parent than I eventually became so there was definitely a discrepancy between what I was selling and the actual product too!

When I think back I had very little experience to form a frame of reference. Lots of nuclear families putting on a good show and hiding the problems. My teachers were shows like Friends and I genuinely thought that rejecting a potential partner for differing values/politics would make me a bigot, that I needed to be open minded and that love was the important thing. I remember being horrified at my Indian friend who was discussing the attributes of the family of the man her dps were encouraging her to marry. With hindsight I wish I had given a bit more thought to what I was taking on with my in-laws but I had no concept that it would even matter.

When I think back to the nice boys I found too boring in my 20s, they now seem like really solid choices. But I didn’t have the life experience to know that- how could I?

I landed on my feet but it was more luck than good judgement.

Yes.

Every minute of everyday

Yes. Increasingly.

I wish it was getting easier as they get older, but it isn’t. ExH is becoming more unpleasant and controlling with the dc, and there is a long term care issue (due to severe SN), so it’s not as though there is an end point either.

Absolutely. And it's good to hear that others feel the same way.

I said as much to grown up DD after a particularly trying episode and she looked at me astonished and said "but mum it's not your fault he's an arsehole", which was comforting.

Yes. Wish I'd separated sooner.

We spoke about our approaches to parenting before we had children. We discussed any differences and how we'd handle that and made sure we were in agreement as much as we could.

We continue to do so now.

He's a fantastic dad. We both have our flaws but we compliment each other quite well.

I'm not sure we'd get on so well if we separated and had to co-parent because we wouldn't have that compromise that you do in a relationship, but hopefully it never comes to that.

my dad was not an amazing dad or husband and my mum had often vocalised to me how much she recreated being with him, but I pointed out to her if she had made a different choice in her man, she would have had a different child, so I actually found that statement quite hurtful.
One of the reasons I feel in love with my husband was I knew by how he was with other children in his life how amazing he would be with ours and he would give them the childhood I never had. 18yrs later I'm still head over heels in love with him and have been proven right more times than I care to mention.

Yes. Like PP I wish I had divorced earlier. I wouldn't want my DC to turn out their father.

I got very lucky- I fell pregnant accidentally 3 months into a relationship with a man who, on the surface, didn’t seem like a great choice for a dad. He was ambivalent about kids, worked weekends as a bartender, smoked, etc. Plus he was only 23 at the time (I was 24)

Anyway, he turned out to be a fantastic dad (and husband). I’m really grateful that that’s the case because I honestly think it’s really rare- I can only pick out 1 or 2 friends with absent or abusive mothers, but absolutely swathes of them have shit dads, myself included.

My eldest 2 have an idiot of a father. He's present in their lives but he's a fantasist and they know it. Not the man I knew. I regret him massively but I don't regret the kids.

3rd child is extremely lucky to have the father she does (my DH). I know that if I drop dead she will have a parent who is entirely and utterly devoted to her and won't ever let her down.

Infact the older 2 always tell me they want to live with DH if anything happens to me or we divorce

Every day.

Please tell your friend I feel exactly the way she does. Narcissistic controlling ex, stayed together far far too long. It really has impacted my parenting as issues with ex took up so much headspace, time and energy and I'm still recovering, years later. I think I've changed as a person fundamentally and am quite reactive and angry as a result of having being with him for so long.

Took years to separate as he refused to move out, that impacted my physical and mental health, and has aged me.

I wish I'd chosen a better father for my dc. Failing that, I wish I'd got out of that relationship sooner, so less impact to myself and dc.

Please tell your friend she is not alone. I know how she feels.

No, I chose to marry DH because he's dependable and caring- good qualities to have in a father. My own "dad" was less than useless and I didn't want my childhood inflicted on my own children.

I'm very lucky though. I know what it's like to be trapped in a bad relationship and I'm just very thankful that there were never children involved. It was only after that ended that I had the benefit of hindsight and saw how close I could have come to wasting my life on that man.

Every day. He seemed fine until I got pregnant and changed into an abusive arsehole. I also think he's a narc. Took me 18 years to get away (complex overseas issues with visas and residency of children).

He was incredibly tight too which was just as bad.

I pointed out to her if she had made a different choice in her man, she would have had a different child, so I actually found that statement quite hurtful
I'd hazard that none of us responding would want a different child - we all love our children for what they are, and indeed love them so much that we would have liked them to have a more positive experience with their own father.

One of the reasons I feel in love with my husband was I knew by how he was with other children in his life how amazing he would be with ours
This is what I based it on, too, but I thought that him playing with other people's children, making them laugh, etc. was "amazing". Today I'd be more impressed by a man who could deal with difficult, stressful situations over a long period of time, cook a meal, wipe up sick, reliably appear at the right time and place and put himself second to others' needs when necessary.

Not just her father. She could have done without me, too. If I knew then what I know now, I'd remain childless and devote my life to my own pleasure. It would have been kinder to her.

Yes. I thought being married to a man I hoped would give us financial stability would protect my children from the childhood I had. I stayed even after abuse and infidelity as I convinced myself he was a god dad.
Since we split he has shown that his priority is and always will be himself. Plus now his gf and her DC's. My kids don't seem that bothered about it but it destroys me.

Yes, all the time! At least i walked away in the end though and the last 10 years have been so much better.

Yep. Glad to see others feel the same way.

He had mental health and anger issues. I dumped him and moved away. After a series of short term relationships he reappeared years later just as my biological clock was jangling loudly and no one better had arrived in my life.

He needed convincing that we should get married and have kids. He agreed on the basis conceiving might take ages (he told me later) within weeks we were expecting twins. He was pants from the moment the blue line appeared. Unsupportive during pregnancy, crap dad who never read bedtime stories, did bath time, never got up in the night. Tried to leave me when the DTs were 1 as I'd put on weight then proceeded to be mean to them for years. I finally left him when my teens mental health was shattered. He's got even worse since then.

I often say "In my next life I will definitely choose the dad of my kids more carefully (or just have a dog instead of kids...)"

Yes, fleetingly.

I left him when they were toddlers (they’re adults now) and they saw him rarely and haven’t seen him for almost 4 years at all.

Can I add to the "everyday" vote please. I am ashamed of how its all turned out, the DC resent their father and now we are trapped in the marriage. I kept promising to leave and I never found the right time - then the right time came and my youngest DC became disabled by severe MH issues so now it takes 2 of us to care for them and not enough equity in the house to buy 2 separate homes.

When I was young my mum used to say to me "I wish we could leave him" (my dad) and now here I am in exactly the same position. I know the damage to my DCs is already done.