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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you ever feel guilty giving your children the father they have?

86 replies

EddyF · 06/10/2021 14:52

I was talking to a friend recently, and she stated that despite her children being older, she has a profound sadness in choosing so wrong regarding their father. She believes that her children would have had a better fulfilled life had she chosen better or left the relationship when they were very small. She stated that her parenting was also greatly impacted because of the stress dealing with him (she describes him as a narc).

It got me thinking that when we fall in love/make a life with someone, do we rarely think about our partner’s parenting capacity before having children ? I’m not sure if I am explaining this well, but for example, I’m not keen on my ex as well, but I’m not sure if I would have had the foresight to ‘know’ what kind of father he would have turned out to be. He’s actually an OK father to our daughter, but if I had a choice, I don’t think I would have chosen him! Simply because we have such differing views on parenting/politics/just life in general. But the dating stages none of that mattered it seems (I was super young but still).

I think for a lot of women, it’s only after children that they are able to accept the characters of their partners are sketchy/bad, but it’s too late.

OP posts:

2021hopes · 08/10/2021 21:58

Yes he turned out to be someone very different to what I was led to believe. Has done some unforgivable things. He cannot even get the basics right regarding the children such as being around and present for them. Leaves me with huge guilt for them because they are fabulous and he does not deserve them. I couldn’t have chosen any worse as a father or husband. It’s heartbreaking.

TurnUpTurnip · 09/10/2021 00:09

Yes but he is completely absent and doesn’t see them at all so yes I can’t help but feel guilty my children also ask me why I chose him.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 09/10/2021 01:12

XH was a great dad to my DC when they were little, and he’s given them his intelligence and humour. But as they’ve grown up he’s shown himself to have no clue about how to be a good dad. He’s let them down, and they deserve better. Fuck knows how they’ll cope if anything happens to me.

But to be fair to Younger Me, she didn’t plan to have children at all, they just happened (thank God!), and she couldn’t have foreseen how much he would struggle. I don’t blame her. Or him really. It’s just life.

Deadringer · 09/10/2021 01:33

Yes. Dh is not a bad man, but he isn't the dad i would have chosen for my dc. I love the idea of a nice, easy going, very hands on dad, but sadly that's not what they have.

RJnomore1 · 09/10/2021 01:35

Absolutely not.

My husband grew up duty no father and I knew he would walk barefoot over coals for his children

I would not have considered having children otherwise

starrynight21 · 09/10/2021 01:50

Absolutely. I left him when the DC were in their teens / twenties, and I do wish that I'd left years before. He seemed fine when they were little, but when they grew up he reacted really badly and became a horrible father. It was like he felt threatened by them, especially our son . When I left him, he responded by cutting off the kids , it was like he wanted to punish me so he did that, knowing it would hurt me. So the kids were punished as well. They see him about once a year now, and he doesn't even acknowledge their children.

I feel really guilty that I chose to have children with such a twattish man.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 09/10/2021 02:08

It's a really interesting question!
I didn't even see DH as marriage material, never mind father material when I first met him, I thought he would be "fun"!
Then I discovered he had a daughter from a previous relationship, and didn't have a great relationship with her or her mother, which was obviously a red flag.
Took things slowly, now married for almost 20 years with 3 kids. He had a pretty toxic relationship with his parents, I was close to mine. His relationship with our kids (now teenagers) is great, if different to mine. They are different, more casual, with him than they are with me. On the surface I am far more loving, but they understand he loves them and they are secure in our relationship and family. He is a great dad in his own way-he would do anything for any of them, but when it comes to emotional support that's my role. They see our strengths and weaknesses and embrace them. Neither of us is a perfect parent, but we got the kids we made and brought up and they are amazing!

Kanaloa · 09/10/2021 03:09

Sometimes. If I could snap my fingers and make it that the father of my older kids just disappeared then I would.

They don’t see him and don’t seem bothered about it and are happy with their stepdad, but I worry that in the future they will want to seek him out and meet him since they have no memories of him at all, one has never even met him. I know if I was in their position as an older teen/adult I would want to seek him out. That’s what I worry about because they will eventually be disappointed or hurt by him.

AgentJohnson · 09/10/2021 08:04

He presented as a potentially good father. However, parenting requires a certain type of selflessness to be responsible for someone who is dependent on you. Unfortunately, with many men, parenting is seen as a woman’s job and I think Ex (despite him thinking himself a new man) was quite shocked that I wasn’t as accommodating of his selective involvement as he expected.

I don’t do regret, it’s pointless. There was no ‘knowing’ till DD arrived and unlike for women, there is no societal pressure on men to stay involved with their children.

Coparenting with my Ex would have been a nightmare.

Glassofshloer · 09/10/2021 08:15

He needed convincing that we should get married and have kids.

Hindsight is wonderful thing but that’s a red flag right there.

If they need convincing/persuading to make a commitment then they don’t really want to do it.

I think the current social trend of delaying motherhood means women panic & settle for substandard men, feeling it’s their last chance to have a family.

anthurium · 09/10/2021 09:52

@Glassofshloer