Do you ever feel guilty giving your children the father they have?

[EddyF]

I was talking to a friend recently, and she stated that despite her children being older, she has a profound sadness in choosing so wrong regarding their father. She believes that her children would have had a better fulfilled life had she chosen better or left the relationship when they were very small. She stated that her parenting was also greatly impacted because of the stress dealing with him (she describes him as a narc).

It got me thinking that when we fall in love/make a life with someone, do we rarely think about our partner’s parenting capacity before having children ? I’m not sure if I am explaining this well, but for example, I’m not keen on my ex as well, but I’m not sure if I would have had the foresight to ‘know’ what kind of father he would have turned out to be. He’s actually an OK father to our daughter, but if I had a choice, I don’t think I would have chosen him! Simply because we have such differing views on parenting/politics/just life in general. But the dating stages none of that mattered it seems (I was super young but still).

I think for a lot of women, it’s only after children that they are able to accept the characters of their partners are sketchy/bad, but it’s too late.

To some degree. I wish I had known pre-DC what I know now about how gender inequalities manifest themselves to a much greater extent when you have children unless you fight back really hard on this. I was quite naive.

It's complicated. My DH works very hard, earns very well (but then I have a good job too), doesn't have anger or other issues and is essentially a gentle and positive presence in our lives. When he is around. Which is very little. As a workaholic with a stressful job, he is nether very physically present in our lives nor very mentally "present" when he is here (apart from the 1-on-1 time he spends with our DC each week). And I resent this. He's a "good enough" father but sometimes I feel our relationship is running on empty.

Short answer: Yes 😟

I got together with my DH too young to have suitability as a father in mind, but it’s definitely something I thought about when we were deciding to try for a baby. I wanted to have a baby with him rather than just to have a baby, and I don’t think I’d have felt that way if I hadn’t thought he’d be a good father.

My husband had no interest in or idea about other people’s kids and had never held a baby (he’s got nieces and nephews) before our eldest was born when he was nearly 40, but he shares lots of the personality traits that make my own dad the absolute best father I could have had. I knew he would be a great one and so far he has exceeded expectations.

My situation is slightly different.

I'm pregnant with a sperm donor so there is no 'father' per se on the scene.

I spent almost 20 years dating, even being married at one point, and I'd never thought any of my partners would make suitable partners for raising children.

I don't know whether I was overly paranoid in my relationships that the men would leave me, as only in retrospect we can say that someone has turned out to be good/bad partner ...almost confirmation bias.

I do feel sad (occasionally) that I'll never have a child the conventional way (when I seemingly had opportunities to do so), I'm 39 so it's unlikely that I'd be pregnant again.

My own parents divorced when I was younger, as my father turned out to be dysfunctional/disinterested/and then ghosted the family...maybe that's what's influenced me/made an impression on me to never commit to any of my partners?Then again they never wanted children with me either...

Although, I would add that we have quite complementary skillsets when it comes to parenting - if we split up or I got hit by a bus there would be a lot of gaps in his parenting. But then, the same would apply the other way round. I’m sure that’s part of lots of people’s motivation for partnering up again quickly when they separate from their children’s other parent.

He was a very good father while he was with me so I was stunned at his behaviour post split. He's not fathered any more kids to the relief of our kids but he is now shockingly hands off. When we were together his job involved overseas travel so I thought he would be the same if we split but I was badly wrong.

Yes. But I didn’t know til dc were born how awful he would be.

It breaks my heart and I move mountains and go without to ensure they don’t get impacted by his uselessness and it breaks me that they are damaged emotionally by him and I can’t do anything.

I do, but it isn't rational of me. When I married my husband, he was great - clever, kind, generous, funny and caring. He was a great father when the DDs were young. What changed was life - he lost both his parents in the space of 4 years and his mother's death propelled him into depression and alcohol addiction. That was when he stopped being a good father and a good husband.

And OK, the vulnerabilities were always there - he had low self esteem and found it difficult to be content with life - but without those triggers, things would not have gone so wrong. What I feel guilty about is staying for too long, but I'm working through that.

Another yes here.

Yes but he’s not an ex. He’s not an actively bad father but he’s just so thoughtless and doesn’t actually do any parenting and never has. He’s far more interested in his latest obsession.

Yes. I have an amazing child but her 'father' is a horror story. I thought he would be a good dad as he has three older children. It took me a while to see that he has a 'golden child' and the next two are largely ignored. Our child was cut off at the age of 3. He has a girlfriend (OW) who spends alot if time bleating about 'family time'. Publicly if asked I but I still feel heartbroken for my child. It has been 3 years, I suspect I will feel a bit sad about this forever.

Yes. He’s all words and no action. Huffs and puffs when they need something or I ask him to do something, promises he’ll take them to do xyz but never follows through. MIL told me oh he’s a wonderful father, all lies. Doesn’t think of the future and only cares about what he’s doing and if he’s happy or not. Has self harmed and laughs if I call it that so I don’t even mention it. Thankfully he works away, dread him coming back.

Has utterly drained me of who I used to be. I step up and am the reliable one, the one who teaches and comforts and lets them talk, organises and guides. I’m not doing a great job and have my own struggles but I’m doing it.

My children have a great father, they're all adults now and he's been great all the way through.

Often wish I could have given them a better mother, I was mentally quite unwell when they were younger. He has been the stable influence in their lives.

Yes. I think too many women are blinded by romance and love and don’t think this far ahead. The traits are there but you just don’t see them or your self esteem is so low you think no one else will have you and you accept the dregs.

Another yes.
I have been battling these thoughts recently. I'm am full of guilt and embarrassed in my choice. Seeing my children feel ashamed, scared and uncomfortable around their father leaves me wondering what conclusions will they draw about my judgements. The fact that when I'm reminding my children about the importance of being kind and respectful they ask why didn't their dad learn this.
It took ages for me to leave but my sanity is that they have been shown not to tolerate that behaviour. As young as they are they know their dad is no longer in the home because his behaviour was wrong.
Can totally understand the reasons mentioned above about using a sperm donor. That way you know that child will be raised by someone who's intentions were pure. I definitely want more children but I am so conscious of the risks and not sure if I'm willing to take them.

No, I actually wish I had met my DP sooner, so we would have had time to have more children. He's a wonderful Dad and partner, but we only met in our mid 30s, have one child, and havn't been able to have a second.

Hugely. His dad puts me and my son through hell.

The only thing that keeps me from going mad with guilt is remembering that my son wouldn't be my son if his dad wasn't his dad and I love my son with every fibre of my body.

I wouldn’t change a thing about my DS so that means same guy. I should of left sooner. My own parenting was impacted by being in a constant state of stress and walking on eggshells. Most importantly DS should never of had to witness the toxicity of the relationship as I don’t think children ever get over it completely. Once we left and it was just the two of us I felt like I could finally breathe.
I feel sad for DS though he does deserve a better father. One who gets him, takes an interest in his life etc. It’s heartbreaking when he comes back from his father’s and tell me he feels like he can’t be himself there.

No. He's a great father.

I regret giving them the mother they have though.

Yes I do. My older daughter really wants us to separate, I know it would make sense but doing so would mean they'd be growing up in poverty. I know for some poverty is all about cooking pulses and cosy nights under the duvet on the sofa because you can't afford the heating but I grew up in poverty and can categorically state it was shit.
I honestly don't know what's worse for kids, being poor or living with an angry parent?

Today my daughters father has gone to watch his step child play netball at our daughters school. He blanked his actual daughter when she saw them. My lovely DD was delighted to see her little step sister and their was contact between them. Her father and SM just stared blankly at her. There's been no contact for years due him spending most access weekends threatening to kill their pets amongst other fun activities! I'm actually ashamed that I ever lowered myself to be with him. I'm very sad he's the father of my children as he is vile to them. They have a great Step Dad but I understand that it's not the same.

Yes.

I also feel the same about my own father.

It's kind of a weird question as they are both of our kids, if I'd 'chosen' someone else, then we'd have different kids. If I can get my head around that then I'd say I worry about the impact of some of his character traits but think they are lucky to have so much of his time, love and attention.

I made an absolutely epic mistake in choosing who to have children with. I ended up bringing up the children alone (although he was there for the first 12 years) and exposed them to some pretty traumatic incidents due to his poor mental health and general chaotic life style. My children are all adults now, and very well adjusted but only because I was very stable in their life and done my very best to protect them. That said I often feel sad when I think about what they missed out on, not material things just the fact of having a reliable loving father.