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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you ever feel guilty giving your children the father they have?

86 replies

EddyF · 06/10/2021 14:52

I was talking to a friend recently, and she stated that despite her children being older, she has a profound sadness in choosing so wrong regarding their father. She believes that her children would have had a better fulfilled life had she chosen better or left the relationship when they were very small. She stated that her parenting was also greatly impacted because of the stress dealing with him (she describes him as a narc).

It got me thinking that when we fall in love/make a life with someone, do we rarely think about our partner’s parenting capacity before having children ? I’m not sure if I am explaining this well, but for example, I’m not keen on my ex as well, but I’m not sure if I would have had the foresight to ‘know’ what kind of father he would have turned out to be. He’s actually an OK father to our daughter, but if I had a choice, I don’t think I would have chosen him! Simply because we have such differing views on parenting/politics/just life in general. But the dating stages none of that mattered it seems (I was super young but still).

I think for a lot of women, it’s only after children that they are able to accept the characters of their partners are sketchy/bad, but it’s too late.

OP posts:

EvilPea · 06/10/2021 15:49

Interesting question. Really good one.

No. Their dad is bloody brilliant. Bumpy start with our first when the child you get is not the one you imagine.

I hugely regret bringing them in to our financial situation. I thought things would sort themselves out, that traditionally things get better and have a way of working out.
Well, we know what the financial and housing situation has been since 2007.

HappyDays101010 · 06/10/2021 15:50

No. I chose to have a child solely because my ex was a great father to his previous child.

HappyDays101010 · 06/10/2021 15:51

then the right time came and my youngest DC became disabled by severe MH issues It's a bit off to be blaming your child, don't you think?

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 06/10/2021 15:57

Also yes. Quite sad to read that there are a lot of us in the same boat

StaplesCorner · 06/10/2021 16:02

@HappyDays101010

then the right time came and my youngest DC became disabled by severe MH issues It's a bit off to be blaming your child, don't you think?

Yes because that's what I was doing. Are you being nasty or just hard of understanding?

MintJulia · 06/10/2021 16:05

Every single day.

I've spent the last 13 years teaching my ds to swim, to ride a bike, decent values, good hygiene, teaching him a love of books, to work hard, taking him places, broadening his experience, to enjoy his weekends getting out into the fresh air....while his useless father manages 7 hrs a week, feeds him Burger King and plays with his phone. And only then on sufferance.

selflove · 06/10/2021 16:07

Well, not really, because if I chose a different father for my children, I wouldn't have the same children I have now. So despite the fact their dad only turned abusive after I got pregnant (eventually left when I was pregnant with two toddlers), I still wouldn't chose to have had kids with anyone else (or not to have kids with him), because the kids I actually ended up with are so damn perfect and wonderful, that I feel everything was "meant to be".

Anniecott · 06/10/2021 16:11

@ravenmum I was in no was implying any poster was saying they wanted different children, sorry if anyone took it that way, it was a comment based on my own history of comments made to me by mum about my dad and me.
My husband used to look after his young nephew, so it was based on more than just play time, and thankfully he has proven to be a very dependable man and dad who has been very much present in our disabled sons life.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/10/2021 16:15

I try not to beat myself up about a choice made under the influence of a tsunami of hormones. I also realise that my DS is similar to my DP - and both are on the eccentric side. So it's hard to imagine him being parented by another man, without said man ending up completely flummoxed and running for the hills!

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 06/10/2021 16:16

I wouldn't change either of them.

Rainbowheart1 · 06/10/2021 16:20

Good question! When younger I didn’t think about about it my DH would make a good dad or not specifically, but he is a good person. His a great dad, I made a really good choice but that is probably down to luck really as like I said, I didn’t think about it beforehand, however, there is a certain type of person I wouldn’t even get with….so that may have helped a bit too.

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 16:20

it was based on more than just play time
Very sensible - and I realise that my mistake was due to my own naivety.
I think if I was giving my young self advice now, it would be to spend more time trying out a range of men before making my selection.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 06/10/2021 16:21

Yes more than once. It's amazing how good they can be with their stepchildren and their own dc until you split up and they meet someone else though!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 06/10/2021 16:27

Nope. I met DH young, late teens, and on our first holiday I was struck by how fantastic he was with the daughter of the owner of our hotel, a Greek guy with a lovely 3 year old daughter who took a shine to us. For a bloke who was 19, he was so patient and kind and that made a lasting impression on me. He's been fab with our own DDs, he's had his moments, as well all do, but he's a good dad.

Wroxie · 06/10/2021 16:27

This is pointless navel-gazing. You wouldn't have the same children with different men, therefore it's not possible to have given them a different possible. What is even the point of thinking about it? You don't 'give' your children a father. Mumsnetters are so bleeding weird sometimes.

TheShades · 06/10/2021 16:37

I had a DC who passed away, when I was very young. My ex/ his dad is a lovely person but wasn't, and still isn't, ideal father material.

After we split, I was very clear on the sort of family life I did and didn't want in the future. So his suitability as a dad was a major consideration when choosing to get serious with my now DH.

I chose well! I honestly don't think our kids could ask for a better dad. But had my first DC lived, I do wonder how things would have turned out. I'm sure I'd be on here complaining about their useless father.

Buildingthefuture · 06/10/2021 16:49

This is a massive part of why I never had children. My own father was utterly brilliant, the best dad you could hope for, until my mum divorced him when I was 11. To be fair, she did shit all over him and he had a total breakdown, which is understandable now but very confusing when you are young. He then went on to meet someone else. She made it quite clear that his children did not form part of the deal so he just…..vanished. We had extremely painful and sporadic contact until about 8 years ago when I finally decided enough was enough. I don’t regret that at all, but it definitely did influence my decision to not have children. If my dad, who had been so, so brilliant, could change so completely, it could happen to anyone. And I would never want to inflict that on a child….

ravenmum · 06/10/2021 16:53

@Wroxie

There is no "point" to thinking of it. Regret is a feeling, not a rational thought. We're sharing our experiences of a feeling we have, and how it makes us think about our past choices. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Chasingsquirrels · 06/10/2021 16:54

No, but I feel sad for them that we separated (his decision not mine) and that they have had to grow up with their parents in separate households and therefore moving between us etc.

That sadness persists despite being happier with my 2nd DH than I would have been with 1st H.
And despite my current DP being a good bloke who the dcs are happy is in my life.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 06/10/2021 16:58

No. But he has a son from his previous marriage so I already saw his parenting skills. In many aspects he is better at it than me! Actually we compliment each other well.

ZealAndArdour · 06/10/2021 17:04

Nope, I definitely think about this. I’m more certain of my DP’s ability to be a wonderful father than I am about anything else.

SweetPetrichor · 06/10/2021 17:08

Missing the point I'm sure, but under a different set of circumstances - like another man - your child wouldn't exist. They only exist based on those narrow set of circumstances, so it's pretty meaningless! If you had never met that man, and had a child instead met someone else, it would be a different child. No?

Idontlike · 06/10/2021 17:09

Yes.

I feel very like your friend OP.

waterlego · 06/10/2021 17:13

No. My children’s dad (who I am still with) is great.

My own dad was a wonderful dad and a wonderful husband to my mum. He was my blueprint for a good man. DH isn’t necessarily that much like him in character (Dad was an introvert, DH is a big extrovert), but all of the most important qualities are there. Hard-working, gentle, reliable, loyal, supportive, communicative, very calm and helpful in a crisis.

DH isn’t perfect (I wish he’d cook more often and do a bit more around the house. And not talk about football/tennis/DIY quite so much) but our kids are very, very lucky to have him as their Dad.

I see this as luck rather than me making wise/informed choice. Maybe at best there was a subconscious awareness that he had a lot of the qualities that made my own Dad so lovely.

Etonmessisyum · 06/10/2021 17:21

I feel sad my children’s dad didn’t care enough about them to think of them, and care for them. He has done a despicable thing (against law) went to jail. Didn’t provide for them despite managing some how to pay the mortgage- I assume mummy and daddy did that - they cut me off for being angry about what he did to my children. They woke up on Christmas morning without one single gift from him. His parents didn’t even make sure they had a present each from him. They had plenty as I’ve always made sure they do, but he had always been there at Christmas and enjoyed it with them previously so to not bother was pretty low, he’s got form for thinking of himself. All he cared about on release was seeing them not if they were ok, not apologising. Then promptly reproduced with the girlfriend twice who made sure maintenance stopped and he paid for nothing for them and wouldn’t communicate about them at all. Fine having more kids but not when you can’t provide for ones you have and cause them anxiety and upset (understatement)

Would I change my lovely kids, no. But I wish he wasn’t their dad. I’ve managed to protect them from what he’s done by moving away but it does make me sad they’ve missed out on having a great dad, that’s on him though not me.

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