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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s living with someone else

81 replies

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 07:19

Been with my bf for 13 months, we don’t live together and thought it was long term. Been there when members of his family passed away from covid, helped him move house when he bought his own place in July. Went on numerous holidays in UK and abroad. His work pattern has changed so working more late nights now. Haven’t heard much from him the last 4 weeks, he’s found someone else and she’s living with him. I’ve asked him to talk as I want to know where it all went wrong, please stop me turning up at his house this morning asking him to talk. I’m distraught and just want answers

OP posts:
Takenoprisoner · 06/10/2021 07:42

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine your pain.

How did you find out? Do you have friends or family to lean on for support?

25yearsnhsworker · 06/10/2021 07:45

Turning up wont make you feel any better, please try and just walk away with your head held high.
I understand you want answers but it probably won't be the truth.
Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 07:47

He’s been distant hardly texting, speaking. I messaged him asking if there was someone else, trust your gut etc as I’d rather know before I start buying for Christmas etc and he said yes, she’s moved in and their happy. She couldn’t have been on the scene before as I was always there and with his family etc

OP posts:
StartingAgain6369 · 06/10/2021 07:48

@25yearsnhsworker

Turning up wont make you feel any better, please try and just walk away with your head held high. I understand you want answers but it probably won't be the truth. Sorry you are going through this.
THIS
Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 07:50

I went round last night but couldn’t face knocking the door. Plus nobody was in.

OP posts:
PineappleIceCream · 06/10/2021 07:54

This sounds awful! I agree with others you’d be much better off walking away with your head held high. So difficult when you have no answers but as has been said above, it probably wouldn’t be the truth as he’s obviously capable of being deceitful. Best thing you can do is to try and keep busy and move on as hard as that is.

Firevixen · 06/10/2021 07:57

Stop and think. What could he possibly say to you that would help you feel better? Nothing. He's a dick who cheated on you and couldnt care less. You didnt do anything wrong, this is all on him.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:03

I just want to know who she is. Is this normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:04

Thanks for your advice guys. Currently in my car at the top of his street wanting to knock his door but I don’t think I will

OP posts:
Ostryga · 06/10/2021 08:07

Op, no man is worth turning into a stalker for.

It’s over. The best thing you can do is accept that and move on with dignity. Knocking isn’t going to make him want you, they’ll just make fun of his ‘mad ex’ and you’ll feel even worse.

Go home, look after yourself and start moving on.

minatrina · 06/10/2021 08:08

@Summertime16

I just want to know who she is. Is this normal?
Very normal! But it won't help you, and you might regret it later. It doesn't matter who she is, it's no reflection on you. Like others have said, move on with your head held high. You deserve better than this, and you're not going to lower yourself just because you got duped by a scumbag.

It's going to be painful for a while, but it will get easier in time. One day you'll look back, and he'll just be a story you tell Thanks

Babyiskickingmyribs · 06/10/2021 08:09

Don’t knock on the door. He’s a coward and wasn’t brave enough to break up with you when he met the woman he’s now living with. It’s a shit feeling being dumped but what he’s done here is worse. Slowly ghosting someone you’ve been with for a year is a ridiculous cowardly way to handle things. In your place I’d send him one more message saying you would have preferred he broke things off properly. Then break contact and move on. Sorry OP. He treated you very badly here.

Lbnc2021 · 06/10/2021 08:11

This is terrible, I don’t blame you for feeling so bad, I would be so upset and confused over this. I know you want to but please don’t go to the door, no good will come of it. Go back home and take care of yourself.

TwatInTinFoil · 06/10/2021 08:11

I'd want to do the same...the woman may not know about you!

What a nasty piece of work though, that's awful.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:12

I haven’t knocked the door, walked up to the door but couldn’t knock it.

I’ve already mentioned to him I wish he was honest and told me properly rather than me guessing. Thanks guys. I feel like rubbish but will keep busy in work

OP posts:
Alonghairinapie · 06/10/2021 08:12

How awful. My fiancé did this. Think of it as lucky escape, he will likely do the same to her as this usually becomes their modus operandi!!

Alonghairinapie · 06/10/2021 08:14

Yes keep busy but also make sure you reach out for support, here, and with friends and it family. You will be ok, it’s a big shock but down the line you’ll realise the signs might have been there and you are better off without this shallow fool.

Dery · 06/10/2021 08:15

“Don’t knock on the door. He’s a coward and wasn’t brave enough to break up with you when he met the woman he’s now living with. It’s a shit feeling being dumped but what he’s done here is worse. Slowly ghosting someone you’ve been with for a year is a ridiculous cowardly way to handle things. In your place I’d send him one more message saying you would have preferred he broke things off properly. Then break contact and move on. Sorry OP. He treated you very badly here.”

This. What he’s done is very shocking. It’s natural to be very curious about who she is and where she suddenly came from but he’s no prize if this is how he treats his partners. In difficult situations, when I remember to do so, I find it helpful to cast my mind forward and think “when the dust’s settled, what will I wish I had done?” I wish I remembered to ask myself that more. My decisions are better when I do. Your future self will be glad you behaved with dignity.

Mybalconyiscracking · 06/10/2021 08:18

The thing is, he’s never going to say
“I’m sorry, forgive me, it’s you I love, it’s all been a terrible mistake!”
Which is the only thing that you really want to hear.

If you can work yourself up into a suitable rage then banging on the door and saying “WTAF, 13 months and you disrespect me like this. Care to explain?”
Should make him extremely uncomfortable and might save some poor woman from this knob, or at least give her second thoughts.

Though you need to be angry and cold, no tears!

So I would say that for your own good, go and get yourself a bacon and egg McMuffin and go home. You will see this as the blessing it is soon enough. Flowers

Thethreecs · 06/10/2021 08:20

Oh what an arse. I'm sure you have a million questions and are wondering how, when, why etc. The best thing to do even though it will be difficult is to not contact him, grieve him like a death. The time I phoned an ex begging for answers, pleading for another chance, willing to do anything just to get him back and trust me, years later I feel like an idiot for lowering myself to that.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:26

My friends And family plus his family are in utter shock As we were away a month ago for his sisters 21st. I feel like crap. Thanks for all your wisdom your making me feel better

OP posts:
Notonthestairs · 06/10/2021 08:26

He's behaved appallingly. An absolute coward.

My first serious relationship ended similarly. I made an absolute fool of myself trying to get answers (there were none) and 25 years later I still grind my teeth at how low he brought me. I wish I had listened to friends who said that life would get so much better.

Don't be me! It doesn't matter who she is or why he's behaved this way - it only matters that he's not worthy of you.

Block him and keep busy. (Agree an egg Mcmuffin might also be needed.)

Wombat49 · 06/10/2021 08:29

Yeah, double egg mcmuffin & large coffee.

The who & the why don't matter, dodged a bullet. He could have done this when you'd got small kids.

solarsky · 06/10/2021 08:32

Knocking and seeing them wouldn't do you any good but what about messaging or writing a letter to her, she may not know about you. I would find it hard just to let him get away with that behaviour.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:32

@Mybalconyiscracking that’s what I want to do, have her answer the door and me in a rage. I won’t though as I will be the “psycho ex” it’s just heart breaking that’s all. Feel at the age of 33 I can’t find a decent fella

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