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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s living with someone else

81 replies

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 07:19

Been with my bf for 13 months, we don’t live together and thought it was long term. Been there when members of his family passed away from covid, helped him move house when he bought his own place in July. Went on numerous holidays in UK and abroad. His work pattern has changed so working more late nights now. Haven’t heard much from him the last 4 weeks, he’s found someone else and she’s living with him. I’ve asked him to talk as I want to know where it all went wrong, please stop me turning up at his house this morning asking him to talk. I’m distraught and just want answers

OP posts:

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 06/10/2021 09:14

What an absolutely horrific way to treat someone. So sorry OP. The reaction from his family says it all really.
Agree with PPs, walk away with your head held high and focus on yourself now. As hard as it is I think you’ll be glad you did when you look back on all this.

dottiedodah · 06/10/2021 09:14

One thing to remember ,if he is capable of doing this to you he will do it to her at some point. Its difficult ATM as you have so many unanswered questions.I dont think it would help really to turn up at the door TBH. You will probably get upset and come off the worst.He is a coward and you will be happier in the long run ,(probably doesnt seem like it now though!)

NewlyGranny · 06/10/2021 09:15

How awful that you helped him move into his new place and shopped with his DM for house stuff to make it nice all for some random you didn't know existed to move in and enjoy it!

You don't get to moving in in the space of a month, so he's been seeing you both and gently transitioning, hasn't he? Dishonest, disrespectful and disgusting behaviour.

He is a louse. His poor family have to stay related to him, though, and you can get away scot-free with just a heartache to heal. And it will heal.

You were with him 13 months and he never met your DD, so you were cautious and wise and smarter than perhaps you knew. Something in him must have made you hold back and protect her - well done for that, it was great parenting. She is heart-whole in this and that is a triumph.

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 09:17

I’ve told his mother and sister “thank you for welcoming me with open arms, I’m sorry it’s ended like this and I hope you don’t hold any grudges”

OP posts:

twoandeights · 06/10/2021 09:19

We’re you having sex? If you were you’d best go get checked. If he’s been sleeping with both of you. You could message the sister “could you please tell the OW she’d best go get checked for STIs as he’s been sleeping with both of us at the same time” fuck them all. He hasn’t been brought up right if he can do this

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 09:22

Yes we were having sex and I’ve been to the clinic waiting on results. His sister has also mentioned that to the OW. His parents are appalled as they are decent people and have not brought him up this way. His mother was crying when she found out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 09:23

@NewlyGranny yes something stopped my daughter from meeting him maybe I knew deep down he was an idiot. His house has my touch all over it as when he was in work I was decorating and sorting the house out for him. Worse thing is I’ve just bought a house 1/2 a mile from him so will no doubt bump into them going forward. I have told him I don’t want any aggro if we do

OP posts:

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/10/2021 09:36

@Summertime16 What a total child!!

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/10/2021 09:45

@Summertime16 Sorry, posted that too soon - but just to add:
This person isn't the man you thought he was
He has behaved appallingly
He doesn't deserve you
It's really not you! The response of his own family should show you that

Don't waste any more time and emotion on this person. You can hold your head high and move on, knowing you have more real love, kindness, and integrity than he ever will.
Make the most of your new home - he should feel uncomfortable that you're close and might bump into you - not you. You've done nothing wrong. Be proud of who you are, and bright and breezy if you bump into him/them.

Get dating. Live your life X 💐

Thethreecs · 06/10/2021 12:52

[quote Summertime16]@NewlyGranny yes something stopped my daughter from meeting him maybe I knew deep down he was an idiot. His house has my touch all over it as when he was in work I was decorating and sorting the house out for him. Worse thing is I’ve just bought a house 1/2 a mile from him so will no doubt bump into them going forward. I have told him I don’t want any aggro if we do[/quote]
Have you spoken to him? You say that you told him you don't want any aggro if you bump into him. What is his explanation about how he's treated you. Is there anything belonging to you at his house? Can you go and collect it?

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 13:04

@Thethreecs no I haven't spoken to him. I text him on friday saying I got the house - he was aware about it. So i said if we bump into eachother i didn't want any aggro. Quite civil considering, nope nothing of my at his house apart from my stamp on it and an old sky box lol

OP posts:

Dizzy1234 · 06/10/2021 13:11

As maddening and upsetting as his treatment of you has been op your feelings will pass in time.
He's treated you terribly and its understandable that you want answers but nothing good will come out of knocking on his door, at the very least you'll end up looking like a psycho ex and in time you will look back and cringe with embarrassment.
Dignity op, that's what's needed here.

Chin up, tits out and move on, you've got this ♥️

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 13:25

Thanks All. I've written a message on my phone but haven't sent it. keep deleting and re-writing. All my head is saying is "why" what a headfuck situation lol

OP posts:

DoubleTweenQueen · 06/10/2021 13:28

@Summertime16 Completely normal. You've had the rug pulled from under you and you want to reorientate yourself.

You may have to steel yourself to do it by yourself. I don't think he's going to be of any help.

1forAll74 · 06/10/2021 13:39

Just a great sadness and upset to endure, don't bother with him now, as he is not to be trusted. Don't contact him, it will only add more to your upset feelings.

Alonghairinapie · 06/10/2021 16:04

Never under estimate that some people will know someone has a partner and just go for it anyway. This happened to me, I was even lying in hospital when they were meeting up at one point. They have the depth of a potato.

Bunchymcbunchface · 06/10/2021 19:37

Go home.
Block him
Eat ice cream

There was a brilliant thread on here from a woman who was dumped by text, he said ‘no need to reply’ so she literally never did! She started running in the rain.

She was brilliant.

You can do this, he’s a crap bag and the poor woman he’s with now really hasn’t won a prize…..apart from a prize nob.

BodgertheJogger · 06/10/2021 19:42

@Summertime16

He’s been distant hardly texting, speaking. I messaged him asking if there was someone else, trust your gut etc as I’d rather know before I start buying for Christmas etc and he said yes, she’s moved in and their happy. She couldn’t have been on the scene before as I was always there and with his family etc

How horrible, and what a nasty way to find out. So sorry x

Funnylittlefloozie · 06/10/2021 19:52

He's appalling, and she must be pretty damn weird as well, moving in with a bloke she's only known for a few weeks at most. Leave them to their dysfunctional nutter life, and walk on with your head held high.

TheMagicDeckchair · 06/10/2021 20:09

Similar happened to me OP, in my 20s I dated a guy for a few months. It got serious quickly to the point we spent most nights together.
One night we were supposed to go out for a big family meal. He never turned up, I called frantically thinking he’d had an accident, even rang hospitals as it was so out of character. I finally got hold of him and he told me he’d been in hospital that night as his pregnant sister had lost her baby.
He promised he’d see me but never turned up, never answered his phone. I rang him from my work number and he answered and continued with his bs. It started to dawn on me that he’d completely ghosted me, and I spoke to his mum who said the baby story was a sick lie. He’d gone back to his ex.
He didn’t even have the guts to tell me he was leaving (had left!) when I spoke to him, just continued to lie.
It felt awful at the time, but I was so well rid of him. He was a complete shameless liar who screwed over many others as well as me.
At the time it happens it’s a massive shock and you have to take the time to grieve the relationship you thought you had. But in a few months you will look back and be so grateful to be rid of this tosser, believe me.
All the best for the future and look after yourself OP.

Original poster

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 20:46

Don’t all go mad on me but I sent him a message - more like a novel and he’s read it and not replied…..what I thought. I have a feeling it’s his “psycho ex” he’s back with, something just gives me that sense that it’s her. His sister rang me whilst I was at work but I couldn’t answer. I’m feeling much better this evening x

I’m sorry you’ve all had this experience too.

OP posts:

DameMaureen · 06/10/2021 21:26

@twoandeights

Just read your update. So the OW knows about you? How has this all happened so quickly? He met her a few weeks ago? That can’t be true. He must have known her for longer?

My first thought - there is more to this .

QueenBee52 · 06/10/2021 22:02

OP Im so sorry this has happened to you...

Im glad you feel better.. you got everything off your chest and it likely helped.. its interesting that he hasn't blocked you..

This woman now living with him will be booted to the kerb as soon as something more appealing to him comes along... this is who he is..

You are hurt but you've had a lucky escape my lovely.. onwards and upwards 🌸

QueenBee52 · 06/10/2021 22:03

I agree.. this has been going on behind the scenes for a while ..

CousinKrispy · 06/10/2021 22:06

Don't feel bad about messaging him, he deserves an earful from you. Why should he get to toddle off without even being told what a dick he's been?

Hopefully now you can pull back and never contact him again, to protect yourself. But don't beat yourself up over having messaged.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

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