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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s living with someone else

81 replies

Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 07:19

Been with my bf for 13 months, we don’t live together and thought it was long term. Been there when members of his family passed away from covid, helped him move house when he bought his own place in July. Went on numerous holidays in UK and abroad. His work pattern has changed so working more late nights now. Haven’t heard much from him the last 4 weeks, he’s found someone else and she’s living with him. I’ve asked him to talk as I want to know where it all went wrong, please stop me turning up at his house this morning asking him to talk. I’m distraught and just want answers

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:33

@solarsky I don’t know her name and it’s his house so I dunno if he would read it first and throw it away. I’m so angry at myself too

OP posts:
needtogetfit21 · 06/10/2021 08:36

Why angry at yourself OP?? This isn't on you at all. What an immature numpty, can't even act like a real adult. Definitely think of it as him not being worthy of you. You can do better and remember it's better to be alone than with a loser who drags you down. Hope you find someone lovely when the time is right and can put this all
Behind you x

bowchicawowwow · 06/10/2021 08:40

Oh wow, what an absolute turd of a man.

Best approach is to block and delete him like he never happened and go get that sausage and egg McMuffin. You aren't ever going to get any truth out of an inherent liar. I'm so sorry this has happened to you x

pumpkinpie01 · 06/10/2021 08:41

Don't be angry with yourself. Good he has treated you appallingly . Please lean on your friends and family for support

Alonghairinapie · 06/10/2021 08:42

Be relieved. Like other posters just says what he’s done is he’s shown his true colours early on, like another poster said, imagine if you had got married, kids, or just intertwined lives, it’s so painful to unpick your lives as time goes on. It’s a very lucky escape. It will take a bit of time to stop feeling shit so be extra good to yourself for a while. Nice books/mag, nice baths etc, anything you’ll be ok, keep posting here, a lot of us on here and have been through the same FlowersBrew

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:43

Thanks guys. I’m currently sat crying into my sausage and egg McMuffin. Your words of wisdom are keeping me going. It’s totally normal to want answers isn’t it. We live and learn hey

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 06/10/2021 08:45

I mean to say god not good , sorry

pumpkinpie01 · 06/10/2021 08:46

It is normal to want answers yes that's human nature. Did you have any signs at all ? X

Inthesameboatatmo · 06/10/2021 08:47

Oh you poor thing he's ghosted you in an abhorrent way ,what a fuckin wank stain.
Keep your dignity and leave it, walk away and block and delete, easier said than done I know you must be heartbroken. Wine

KittyKattyKate · 06/10/2021 08:49

OP you had a VERY lucky escape here! You could have been years down the line with a young family etc. If he did this to you, he will also do it to her. Men like him never change.

Please don’t contact him or his family ever again. You need to separate yourself completely from the situation and the people in it.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:49

@pumpkinpie01 no, his work hours changed in august due to the nature of his job. I knew this would be hard so we made it work - well I thought it was working. If he was in work I’d be shopping with his mother to get things for the house etc. he could have lied about the work hours to myself and his family. We went away for his sisters 21st, not as if I was a secret from them all

OP posts:
Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:51

@KittyKattyKate his parents messaged me asking if I was ok and that they are appalled that this has happened. His younger sister has gone nuts on the OW also. But I told them it’s not their drama to have.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 06/10/2021 08:54

@Summertime16

I just want to know who she is. Is this normal?
I think it is normal to want to know more. But you need to try and resist, it won’t make you feel better.
Joystir59 · 06/10/2021 08:55

He's an awfully immature shallow person the trwat you with so little respect, and it's absolutely natural to want answers and feel.ibcredibly upset angry and frustrated that you can't approach him to talk about what he's done and why. But I echo everyone else- walk away and seek comfort and support from your friends and family. So sorry you are going through this experience.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 06/10/2021 08:55

This man is not a good relationship candidate (and deep down you know it).

One day he will be so unimportant but until then you must keep your dignity. (By never even so much as uttering another word in his general direction)

Remember sometimes the heart wants what we don't deserve. Read that again. It means you deserve a better relationship candidate.

Joystir59 · 06/10/2021 08:55

The trwat= to treat

Alonghairinapie · 06/10/2021 08:57

It’s normal to want answers but don’t let it fry your brain, basically he’s just a bit of a turd and you can do better. It will hurt, that’s normal, but you will be a lot better soon.

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 08:57

@MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast I think your right and I know this deep down but am scared to admit it to myself. He didn’t meet my daughter so that’s a plus side to this mess

OP posts:
Moonface123 · 06/10/2021 08:58

One day you will be glad your not stuck with a man like this, because your worth a lot more. New doors will open for you, you've got it all to come.
It's is incredibly hard for you right now, but us women are experts in doing hard and overcoming hard. He was a stepping stone.
There is a really Good book on Amazon by Susan Elliott called getting past your breakup. She is really good, gives excellent coping techniques when you are feeling overwhelmed and panicky. She also has a blog.
Be very kind to yourself, try and focus on other things, these feelings are awful, but they only temporary.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 06/10/2021 08:58

Or his family btw - drop them. Say you understand his decision and it was nice knowing them goodbye etc

They're his family- not relevant or appropriate to you anymore.

twoandeights · 06/10/2021 08:58

Can you speak to his family and find out the truth? His sister? Who is this woman? She deserves to know about you and you deserve answers. Stop her making the same mistake. He’s disgusting. What a disgusting coward. How can his family condone his behaviour

twoandeights · 06/10/2021 09:00

Just read your update. So the OW knows about you? How has this all happened so quickly? He met her a few weeks ago? That can’t be true. He must have known her for longer?

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 06/10/2021 09:01

@Summertime16 - yes. Nothing we say here will take the heartache away today. All we can do is reinforce the sensible, human, rational part of you. One day that will be louder than your confused heart.

I know it hurts but it's not forever and your heart WILL catch up. X

twoandeights · 06/10/2021 09:01

To his family I’d say “thank you for caring. That means a lot. I’m not ok but I will be. I just wish he’d been decent and told me the truth. I wish the rest of you all the best”

Original poster
Summertime16 · 06/10/2021 09:07

I don’t know if OW knows about me, I haven’t asked his family about it all. I don’t know anything about her as much as I want too I think I’m better off not knowing

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