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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

smothering boyfriend

81 replies

arsepie · 05/10/2021 12:27

I live with my partner. Over lockdown he has become extremely codependent and I am finding it hard.

He likes us both to work in the same room (we both wfh and always have done). He then has me to constantly talk to which I find draining. In the evening when he then wants to "hang out" watching films and so on I am kind of ...done.

He wants to go everywhere together at all times. The last few months he has got really stroppy if I won't go for a walk / to the shop with him. Recently he has started going by himself but it really seems to aggravate him.

He is very gregarious and outgoing, I am not. I am the kind of person that needs to recharge and so on. We have been together quite a few years so he knows this.

Everything I suggest gets shot down. Doing out the spare room where we live so it can be an office for one of us. Moving to somewhere with more space.

He got a new job over lockdown which involves being online talking to a group of people on and off all day. I thought this would help because he is topping up on the contact that I really don't need tbh. I'm sorry if I sound like a miserable arse, I probably am, I perk up in company btw and I do love spending time with my bf. I kind of feel sad in the evening because rather than being ready to spend time together I just want to get away. I've tried to encourage him to go out and socialise without me there but he refuses.

When I bring this up he says I'm complaining that he loves me and wants my company which makes me feel like shit.

How can I get it across that he needs more social contact than me and I can't provide all of it.

Of course over lock down we were on our own, and tbh we got on great. I just feel like now I need a bit more me time. That doesn't mean he should be sat on his own in silence when he wants company, obviously.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/10/2021 12:44

He doesn’t seem to even try to understand you or what you need. If you have another room to work in then go work in it, go out without him, basically dump the Klingon

MaeD · 05/10/2021 12:45

That sounds incredibly stressful. For a start I think you must insist on your own space to work from. Yes there are social elements to workplaces but at the end of the day you’re there to do your job not to socialise and certainly not to provide social stimulation, company and entertainment to someone who doesn’t even work there.

I think when he pulls the guilt trip and says you are complaining because he ‘loves you’ you should say if he actually loved you he would take your needs into account too.

I also think you could do with being more assertive. You have a spare room you could use but he ‘shoots it down’? Why is he the one who gets to decide? Why are you going along with his wants like that?

When you love someone, in my view you respect their differences with you. Him being so smothering is not respecting you or the boundaries you’ve tried to put into place. I don’t consider that a very loving act at all.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/10/2021 12:50

You ask him how much does he love you if he wont consider that you are not him, you are a separate person with needs of your own and why does only what he wants matter?

FTEngineerM · 05/10/2021 13:01

Sounds like he wants a pet not a girlfriend

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2021 13:03

"How can I get it across that he needs more social contact than me and I can't provide all of it".

Short answer is you cannot. You cannot even begin to try and reason with such a disordered person at all.

You also describe him as being "very gregarious and outgoing"; he really is neither. He is a Klingon boyfriend who is stifling you deliberately. Pulling guilt trips on you is manipulative as well as behaviour rooted in power and control i.e abusive.

You absolutely now need to be apart from him even though you've now been together for years. Do not waste any more of your life or time on this individual. He has likely always been like this and its got worse for you over time.

How can you be helped here into leaving this man?.

Original poster
arsepie · 05/10/2021 13:05

@MaeD The spare room is a big palava by itself to be honest. You're right I need to be more assertive. i just feel worn down at the moment, not necessarily by him, just all that has gone on etc. I've been taking time to myself to decompress but he hates it. I cleaned the bathroom last night with my laptop on to play music, I came out for 2 minutes and he literally ran in and looked at the laptop, so i think he thinks if I have time to myself I must be messaging/cheating. It's tiring.

OP posts:
Triffid1 · 05/10/2021 13:08

So this level of smothering is new? It's odd because I know women in relationships like these, but it doesn't just come out of the blue. Agree with a pp though - if he tries to guilt trip you with the "so what, I can't show my love" retort with, "if you wanted to show your love you'd let me get on with my work in peace so that I can get some time without you and then enjoy the time we do have together."

I assume you don't go out to see friends without him? Is that by choice or does he make it hard for you because "you're more interested in seeing other people than me?"

MintJulia · 05/10/2021 13:16

'He ran in and looked at the laptop'

Just that would drive me crazy. He's keeping a watch on you 24hrs a day.

I think you need to move your work into the spare room and make it clear you need some peace to concentrate.
And you need to schedule regular nights out with the girls so he remembers how to exist on his own.
It could be he's just forgotten how, after lockdown and wfh, but he needs to get reacquainted with it fast.

If he objects too strongly, you need to be blunt, say that you're feeling suffocated and can he please leave you alone to work.

BoxOfDreams · 05/10/2021 13:26

I cleaned the bathroom last night with my laptop on to play music, I came out for 2 minutes and he literally ran in and looked at the laptop, so i think he thinks if I have time to myself I must be messaging/cheating. It's tiring.

So now we're getting to the root of this. He doesn't trust you and he's controlling. What do you say to him when he rushes to check your laptop? I'd say " what the fuck are you doing?" His insecurities are not your issue to solve and he needs to address them without insisting you change your perfectly normal behaviour to placate him. I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheated and is projecting.

He's destroyed your boundaries so you need to rebuild them. Perhaps look at the Freedom Program online.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 13:28

He's not just needy, he's controlling and horrible. Run for your life.

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2021 13:33

[quote arsepie]@MaeD The spare room is a big palava by itself to be honest. You're right I need to be more assertive. i just feel worn down at the moment, not necessarily by him, just all that has gone on etc. I've been taking time to myself to decompress but he hates it. I cleaned the bathroom last night with my laptop on to play music, I came out for 2 minutes and he literally ran in and looked at the laptop, so i think he thinks if I have time to myself I must be messaging/cheating. It's tiring.[/quote]
So basically, he is abusive.

He doesn't actually think you are cheating btw. It's just another tactic to get you to give up all your personal space. So that he can control you.

Dump and run for the bloody hills gal.

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2021 13:42

Seriously op, you know that a partner accusing you of cheating when you have any contact with the outside world is an abuser right?

Next he'll smash your laptop. Or tell you to delete every man off your social media. Or call you a slag for using your laptop without him in the room. Or just make you feel as if you are walking on egg shells so much that it just feels easier for you to come off social media alltogether.

I guess it's crept up on you but I hope now you can see how obvious it is that he is a rotten apple and that he actually, is escalating. And that he is not a safe person to be around. He isn't sane. Get out of there!

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2021 13:48

Also, abusers hate you having time to decompress. They are busy trying to mindfuck you and wear you down. If you have time and headspace to yourself to think, it puts all their hard work at risk.

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 13:51

@Aquamarine1029

He's not just needy, he's controlling and horrible. Run for your life.

I agree...

his controlling is wrong on so many levels I don't know where to begin...

you're not living OP.. you are existing

Triffid1 · 05/10/2021 13:54

@Pinkbonbon

Also, abusers hate you having time to decompress. They are busy trying to mindfuck you and wear you down. If you have time and headspace to yourself to think, it puts all their hard work at risk.
LIGHTBULB.

I've never thought of this. But it's so true. And similarly, if you see and speak with other people then you might start to realise how batshit their behaviour is.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/10/2021 13:54

Dump him, he doesn't undestand your needs and is becoming controlling.

ApolloandDaphne · 05/10/2021 13:59

He is being controlling. Leave him and you will get all the headspace you need.

Original poster
arsepie · 05/10/2021 14:00

@Pinkbonbon well, my dad called me a slag pretty much non stop from 11. My mum joined in when I got to 17, I think it gave her some respite from my dad doing it to her. I really don't know what normal is. I'm so stressed out today, I just need some peace.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2021 14:03

I really don't know what normal is.

I think you have a better idea than you give yourself credit for, otherwise you never would have started this thread. You know this relationship is all wrong. Everyone responding has confirmed it. You are in an abusive relationship. You have the power to refuse to allow this in your life for one more day. Get rid of this man.

Clarice99 · 05/10/2021 14:10

You're not in the wrong here OP. You are not a 'miserable arse' for needing time to yourself.

This relationship appears to be totally one sided, all about pandering to the needs of your partner and now further info has emerged to suggest that he's controlling and abusive.

Have you considered therapy to address your childhood abuse (being called a slag by your parents is not normal) as this could be key to unpicking why you're accepting of your partner being an abusive arsehole?

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 14:13

[quote arsepie]@Pinkbonbon well, my dad called me a slag pretty much non stop from 11. My mum joined in when I got to 17, I think it gave her some respite from my dad doing it to her. I really don't know what normal is. I'm so stressed out today, I just need some peace.[/quote]

you saw this abuse ... and managed it correctly... well done

now look at your current situation .. you know his behaviour is not normal...

Aprilx · 05/10/2021 14:16

[quote arsepie]@MaeD The spare room is a big palava by itself to be honest. You're right I need to be more assertive. i just feel worn down at the moment, not necessarily by him, just all that has gone on etc. I've been taking time to myself to decompress but he hates it. I cleaned the bathroom last night with my laptop on to play music, I came out for 2 minutes and he literally ran in and looked at the laptop, so i think he thinks if I have time to myself I must be messaging/cheating. It's tiring.[/quote]
Well that updates changes things! I was going to say, I thought it was normal to “hang out” most evenings with the person you live with, although definitely wfh in the same room would be a no from me.

But with your update, no this is not normal. And I would be very concerned that this could progress into something more sinister. I think you need to end things.

Original poster
arsepie · 05/10/2021 14:22

@Aprilx I have no issue hanging out in the evenings and throughout the day. It's all day in the same room that is too much for me.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 14:24

[quote arsepie]@Aprilx I have no issue hanging out in the evenings and throughout the day. It's all day in the same room that is too much for me.[/quote]

then fix it... you have the space ... do it for You 🌸

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2021 14:31

Re your comment to Pinkbonbon
"@Pinkbonbon well, my dad called me a slag pretty much non stop from 11. My mum joined in when I got to 17, I think it gave her some respite from my dad doing it to her. I really don't know what normal is".

And you still do not on some level because no-one, including the man who you are with, has ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship actually is. And what you're describing now is not it.

Your parents abjectly failed you as a child and young person and I sincerely hope you do not see either of them now. The above abuse from your parents has played a huge part in why ou're with this man now. He is basically a continuation of what you already know i.e abusive behaviour.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is really no good other option for you.