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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

smothering boyfriend

81 replies

arsepie · 05/10/2021 12:27

I live with my partner. Over lockdown he has become extremely codependent and I am finding it hard.

He likes us both to work in the same room (we both wfh and always have done). He then has me to constantly talk to which I find draining. In the evening when he then wants to "hang out" watching films and so on I am kind of ...done.

He wants to go everywhere together at all times. The last few months he has got really stroppy if I won't go for a walk / to the shop with him. Recently he has started going by himself but it really seems to aggravate him.

He is very gregarious and outgoing, I am not. I am the kind of person that needs to recharge and so on. We have been together quite a few years so he knows this.

Everything I suggest gets shot down. Doing out the spare room where we live so it can be an office for one of us. Moving to somewhere with more space.

He got a new job over lockdown which involves being online talking to a group of people on and off all day. I thought this would help because he is topping up on the contact that I really don't need tbh. I'm sorry if I sound like a miserable arse, I probably am, I perk up in company btw and I do love spending time with my bf. I kind of feel sad in the evening because rather than being ready to spend time together I just want to get away. I've tried to encourage him to go out and socialise without me there but he refuses.

When I bring this up he says I'm complaining that he loves me and wants my company which makes me feel like shit.

How can I get it across that he needs more social contact than me and I can't provide all of it.

Of course over lock down we were on our own, and tbh we got on great. I just feel like now I need a bit more me time. That doesn't mean he should be sat on his own in silence when he wants company, obviously.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2021 16:23

"I mean, if I really was that horrible it would show up in other ways too you know? "

yes it would but really and truly you're not the horrible one here. We all need our own space and being together 24/7 is not healthy.

Its not you, its him and this is all on him. What he is doing to you is awful and there seems to be no real remorse from him either.

TheChip · 05/10/2021 16:27

[quote arsepie]@TheChip He has been out since lockdown eased and really enjoyed talking to people. This is a new friend he made through work so I guess I can see why he would rather me be there. But he is like this anyway. I would go, but not today as I'm busy and also I'm not totally Ok with the idea that he won't go without me, rather than if he simply would rather I went, if that makes sense.

I will have to set up some space in the spare room. I just know though that he'll see it as a hurtful thing.[/quote]
Ah I see what you mean.

Well, just let him see it as hurtful then. It's not your job to manage his feelings.

IsThePopeCatholic · 05/10/2021 16:28

Op, does he allow you to go out with friends without him?

Smashingspinster · 05/10/2021 16:34

[quote arsepie]@MaeD The spare room is a big palava by itself to be honest. You're right I need to be more assertive. i just feel worn down at the moment, not necessarily by him, just all that has gone on etc. I've been taking time to myself to decompress but he hates it. I cleaned the bathroom last night with my laptop on to play music, I came out for 2 minutes and he literally ran in and looked at the laptop, so i think he thinks if I have time to myself I must be messaging/cheating. It's tiring.[/quote]
Shit, that gave me goosebumps. I dont think it is a company thing, I think if he really feels like this you are on a path to abusive behaviour.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/10/2021 16:34

Is he sulky / sad face when you go out to see your friends or family without him?

Indigomint · 05/10/2021 16:42

Exh was like this when we first met. Then followed over a decade of verbal and financial abuse.

I've not met your partner op , so obviously I can't say for sure if he's an abuser , but that alarm bell ringing in your head right now is trying to tell you something. I think you'd do well to be careful and listen to it.

jb7445 · 05/10/2021 16:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Chamomileteaplease · 05/10/2021 17:17

So he's not listening to you
He's trampling all over your feelings
He's calling your behaviour hurtful when it's actually just normal
He can't cope with you working in the next room
He wants to be with you all day
He wants to be with you all evening
He wants to be with you all night.

Frankly he sounds horrific. He sounds like a one year old (whose needs are rather more understandable).

I would finish it but if you don't want to yet, I would sit him down and say, if you don't stop this clingy, unattractive, suffocating behaviour, we will have to split up.

See if that brings him to his senses.

Makes me feel weird just reading about it. Good luck.

QueenBee52 · 05/10/2021 17:22

@Chamomileteaplease

So he's not listening to you He's trampling all over your feelings He's calling your behaviour hurtful when it's actually just normal He can't cope with you working in the next room He wants to be with you all day He wants to be with you all evening He wants to be with you all night.

Frankly he sounds horrific. He sounds like a one year old (whose needs are rather more understandable).

I would finish it but if you don't want to yet, I would sit him down and say, if you don't stop this clingy, unattractive, suffocating behaviour, we will have to split up.

See if that brings him to his senses.

Makes me feel weird just reading about it. Good luck.

I have to agree... it's insufferable..

why you have not screamed from the rafters already is only credit to your patience...
or more worryingly you've been so worn down by his controlling needy seedy coercive behaviour you actually cannot see the danger signs any more ..

Buggritbuggrit · 05/10/2021 17:52

OP, so what would happen if you said all of this to him? He’d be upset, you’d hold your ground and then…what?

And if you set up in the spare room? He’d be upset, you’d hold your ground and then…what?

I would never advise anyone to put themselves into danger, so if you’re frightened of him, please don’t do this. However, if you’re just worried he’ll be upset - then let him be upset! His comfort/feelings/preferences are no more important than your comfort/feelings/preferences. Please assert yourself, and if he’s sulky about it, let him be sulky. You’ve clearly already explained all of this. If he’s not willing to compromise, then you need to carve out some mental and physical space for yourself in your own home.

Original poster
arsepie · 05/10/2021 18:39

@Buggritbuggrit I'm not in danger. It just sucks to be told that you are the reason someone you love is unhappy. I'm not complaining about spending time together, I just need to concentrate on work sometimes.

He is really off with me this evening, because I've been unkind apparently.

I really think he should have gone and spent time with his friend. He gets to socialize, I get time to myself, we would balance out. He'd be ready to socialize when he got back still and I'd then be ready to.

He seems to see me pushing him to do social stuff as trying to get him out of the way. I am. But just for a little bit!

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 05/10/2021 18:43

I'm sorry op but you are being stalked in your own home
This is not normal and it's escalating

Pinkbonbon · 05/10/2021 19:00

Yup you're gonna get the sulking and silent treatment now for daring to ask for a bit of personal space. Standard abuser bs.

Tbh op I wouldn't be surprised if he is reading what you have posted here, considering how interested I your computer he seems. Maybe change all your passwords.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 05/10/2021 19:04

This isn't about love.
This is about control.
He's convinced you'll cheat on him if you are unsupervised for a second. Rushing in to check your laptop FFS!

You need to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable as is his attempt to manipulate you into accepting it.

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2021 19:12

He sounds like he consistently puts his wants and needs above yours. You sound very ground down.

TheChip · 05/10/2021 19:14

An ex of mine was like this. Only he was telling his friends that I wasn't letting him go out to see them. When the reality was me trying to encourage him to go, and him being upset at the fact I didn't want to spend time with him. I did, but I appreciated my own space and appreciated the fact that he had friends outside of me.

A few years down the line, he wanted all of my time, grabbed me if we were in public to show others that I was his and was just overall possessive. Mostly lovely though, but very possessive. I think his reasoning for not going out, was so he could reverse it if I ever wanted to go out. His possessive behaviour is what ended the relationship because I couldn't cope anymore. He became extremely jealous when I got a dog and that was the final straw.

Buggritbuggrit · 05/10/2021 19:17

@arsepie it doesn’t seem to suck for him to be told that he’s making you unhappy, though, does it? He doesn’t care, does he? He only cares about what he wants.

So, let him be off with you. This is what I’m saying. It’s not your responsibility to tie yourself in knots to appease him. If he’s unhappy, he’s unhappy. It won’t kill him. Stand up for yourself, my lovely.

I, personally, wouldn’t want to be in this relationship. However, it’s not coming across like you’re ready/have the energy to leave. So, baby steps. Start with working in the spare room and telling him to go away when he gets pissy.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 05/10/2021 19:40

He's being really really controlling. This is awful.

Haffiana · 05/10/2021 19:42

Op, the problem is that no-one has ever shown you what real love is. It is not surprising that after a childhood with parents who were incapable of loving you, that you end up with a man who is also incapable of loving you.

If he actually loved you he would want the best for you. He would want you to feel happy and comfortable. He would listen to you and he would be GLAD to do as you asked.

This man has never done that has he? Because you have nothing to compare it with, you imagine that someone who clings to you, who is controlling and checking up on you, who cannot actually leave you alone for an evening - because you might spend it talking to someone else - is doing this because he loves you. And you really, really need to be loved so you have bought in to the delusion.

You - YOU - the real you, the one who is posting here, doesn't even exist in his eyes. He doesn't know you and he doesn't want to know you. He cannot love you because he doesn't even care about who you are.

Your worth is in acting as the living sticking plaster to cover up the huge gaping wound of his colossally damaged ego. Whatever you do it will never be enough.

Jennifer11 · 05/10/2021 20:12

Relationships involve compromise but not just on one side - he seems to expect you to act as he would like you to act without any insight as to what makes you happy. I'd feel smothered too - and would advise you to get out if you feel able.

layladomino · 05/10/2021 20:34

This is not a loving man. This is a controlling man. He doesn't do these things out of love. He appears to be escalating. I feel claustrophobic just reading about him. And him running in to look at your latop is insane. How did you not lose your temper with him there and then? How did you not pull him to pieces about how out of order he was? Why do you still want to be with him?

You are having an entirely normal response to his suffocating and unreasonable behaviour. It has nothing at all to do with him being sociable - if that was it he'd have jumped at the chance to meet up with his new colleague tonight. No, it's to do with not letting you out of his sight, as you might get ideas in your head that don't involve him. And he wants you whole life to revolve around him, and his wants.

Original poster
arsepie · 05/10/2021 21:58

@layladomino I didn't lose it at the time because I couldn't say 100% that he did do that. There are 2 bathrooms though so it's odd that the minute I went out of the room I was in all set up with cleaning stuff and laptop running that he would suddenly be in there looking at it. He also said he was just looking at my playlist but he has done similar things before so I doubt that to be honest.

I'm not secretive with phone/laptop by the way, I can't think why there would be some big mystery attached to getting a glimpse of it, kind of thing.

OP posts:
QueenBee52 · 06/10/2021 03:03

[quote arsepie]@layladomino I didn't lose it at the time because I couldn't say 100% that he did do that. There are 2 bathrooms though so it's odd that the minute I went out of the room I was in all set up with cleaning stuff and laptop running that he would suddenly be in there looking at it. He also said he was just looking at my playlist but he has done similar things before so I doubt that to be honest.

I'm not secretive with phone/laptop by the way, I can't think why there would be some big mystery attached to getting a glimpse of it, kind of thing.[/quote]

you're really not getting this ... are you ?

MilesOfSand · 06/10/2021 03:11

The reason he doesn’t want to go out without you and wants you to come on walks etc is possibly because he doesn’t want you to have any time without him - even to the point of when you’re cleaning the bathroom. I mean - you’re pretty much having to clean the bathroom to get any time away from him - and he’s not even liking that? It doesn’t really matter when it started or why, it’s just not ok.

Sakurami · 06/10/2021 04:08

OP this level of control is chilling. It is abusive.