smothering boyfriend

[arsepie]

I live with my partner. Over lockdown he has become extremely codependent and I am finding it hard.

He likes us both to work in the same room (we both wfh and always have done). He then has me to constantly talk to which I find draining. In the evening when he then wants to "hang out" watching films and so on I am kind of ...done.

He wants to go everywhere together at all times. The last few months he has got really stroppy if I won't go for a walk / to the shop with him. Recently he has started going by himself but it really seems to aggravate him.

He is very gregarious and outgoing, I am not. I am the kind of person that needs to recharge and so on. We have been together quite a few years so he knows this.

Everything I suggest gets shot down. Doing out the spare room where we live so it can be an office for one of us. Moving to somewhere with more space.

He got a new job over lockdown which involves being online talking to a group of people on and off all day. I thought this would help because he is topping up on the contact that I really don't need tbh. I'm sorry if I sound like a miserable arse, I probably am, I perk up in company btw and I do love spending time with my bf. I kind of feel sad in the evening because rather than being ready to spend time together I just want to get away. I've tried to encourage him to go out and socialise without me there but he refuses.

When I bring this up he says I'm complaining that he loves me and wants my company which makes me feel like shit.

How can I get it across that he needs more social contact than me and I can't provide all of it.

Of course over lock down we were on our own, and tbh we got on great. I just feel like now I need a bit more me time. That doesn't mean he should be sat on his own in silence when he wants company, obviously.

I think you really know the answer to this. Just grit your teeth and LTB.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Re your comment to Pinkbonbon "*@Pinkbonbon* well, my dad called me a slag pretty much non stop from 11. My mum joined in when I got to 17, I think it gave her some respite from my dad doing it to her. I really don't know what normal is".

And you still do not on some level because no-one, including the man who you are with, has ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful relationship actually is. And what you're describing now is not it.

Your parents abjectly failed you as a child and young person and I sincerely hope you do not see either of them now. The above abuse from your parents has played a huge part in why ou're with this man now. He is basically a continuation of what you already know i.e abusive behaviour.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?. There is really no good other option for you.

Please read this excellent overview of the situation OP.

I am so very sorry that your parents let you down so much. If you Google the shark cage analogy for relationships, you'll see that they didn't give you the necessary tools to build appropriate boundaries, expectations and benchmarks to help you have happy and healthy relationships as an adult.

None of that is your fault and it is disgusting you were called such names by the very people who should have been preparing you to expect to be treated with respect and kindness.

But this is a real turning point for you, or it could be. You could say no. No this isn't a relationship I am happy, healthy, calm in and fulfilled by. That should be the basic requirement for a relationship, for living with someone, for being intimate with someone.

He is not a suitable candidate for a relationship. He is smothering, controlling and doesn't trust you because he doesn't respect you. The dynamics are astonishingly unhealthy and will grind you down to a point you're so confused and overwhelmed and suffocated that you can't see the wood for the trees and you lose your sense of self. It's starting to happen now.

The greatest gift you could give yourself is to leave this man. He is no good for you.

And I don't know if you want kids yourself in future, but if so then that's just an extra reason to leave him because he is a prime candidate to replicate the dynamics of your parents and pass on tolerance and acceptance of abuse to another generation of potential victims.

Please take this seriously, it could change your life

If this is new since Covid it could be lockdown anxiety coming at it as clingy and controlling behaviour. If it’s not new then my advice would be different.

If it is since lockdown, that doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it, but it might give you a starting point to reframe some of it.

Try to focus on what you want and need, not what he wants and needs, so next time he is on a work call pick up your laptop and go elsewhere. If he whines, “I couldn’t concentrate and didn’t want to be talking over you.” If he follows you, “sorry this is confidential let me just go somewhere else.”

That evening you can throw in something about how you missed him at work but it’s nice to see him after a little break - a bit like ‘before.’

Try and wean him off gradually.

@RestingPandaFace That's good advice. It is a new thing, we spent 24/7 with each other over lock down and now I want to go back to normal and he wants to continue.

This man is controlling and abusive. He will get worse - they always do.
Also who made him king - to decide about the spare room, tell him to fuck the fuck off.

He is not going to relinquish this power and control he has over you at all easily if at all.

You have a choice still with this man even though you may think you do not.

@Aquamarine1029

He's not just needy, he's controlling and horrible. Run for your life.

Yes For sure

My abusive ex started off this way

Luckily we can spot abuse here on mumsmet op. It looks like you've picked a partner similar to your father. Take heed and get yourself away asap. He will get worse. And it's bad enough already. Be aware that if you have children with this man, he may call your daughter a slag too. And the cycle will continue.

Choose yourself. Get free. And take the freedom program online to help you spot abuse in future and maybe look into counciling for you childhood, ideally with someone who can help you recognise patterns of abuse that you are accepting in adulthood as a result of your childhood experiences.

It's not your job to keep him entertained all day every day. I would be very explicit in telling him this, either back off and lean on others or you will walk. It sounds very draining OP.

@Pinkbonbon Just to be clear it was my mum and dad that called me a slag. Partner never has. He seemed to think something was on that laptop though. I left the room really briefly and probably surprised him by coming back so soon.

So many people are struggling with their mental health since lockdown, and there are many threads on here by women who are anxious about resuming socialising and being away from their loved ones.

Look at the agonies that some people have been in about partners returning to work or resuming socialising when the poster isn’t ready.

As the OP has been clear that this is only since lockdown it’s worth exploring whether that is the case here.

That doesn’t mean that she had to put up with it, or that it’s OK but I don’t think an immediate chorus of LTB is helpful either.

He is suffocating OP and on top of that he is suspicious of you with no reason to be. That means he doesn't trust you or respect you enough to know your character means you aren't doing bad things in secret.

Please do have a look back at the posts above especially from @AttilaTheMeerkat and me, which can perhaps help you start to recognise the link between your childhood and this unhealthy relationship.

@Horseshoe5 It is very draining. He gets really grumpy if I go quiet while I'm thinking. We've just had a set to about it now. He's just been invited to go somewhere to meet a friend of his but he won't go unless I do. I would think he would be glad to have a bit of time away from me, but I say that and I get told I'm unkind.

@youvegottenminuteslynn I'm reading everything and do appreciate the replies. I just still have to work today and deal with this too.

@RestingPandaFace there's certainly a huge mental health element to this. I don't expect him to adjust overnight or anything but he is really wanting to continue the 24/ 7. Anything I say other than that gets interpreted as not loving him or wanting to leave.

Anything I say other than that gets interpreted as not loving him or wanting to leave

What do you say to him when he says that?

To be honest, I'd be inclined to tell him that if he continues to be so insufferably clingy, and wanting to control your every waking moment, then he is in real danger of bringing about the very thing he's trying to avoid.

@waybill I just try and point out that I need time on my own and he needs to seek out extra social contact. I'm not nasty about it.

I also say that if I can work alone for even a few hours during the day I'm going to be looking forward to doing stuff with him in the evening. He agrees and then we just go back to square one like it never got talked about.

If it is anxiety related, do you think it would be worth going with him this one time with his friends? The initial first outing might be more anxiety inducing than he is letting on, and you being there for moral support might be all he needs. It could very well kick start his mind into remembering the life he had before lockdown, and he could actively chase it down himself again.

I know you really don't want to, and you really shouldn't have to. But if it helps, then surely it would be worth it rather than letting this situation get worse and worse. Because that is what will happen, whether it stems from an anxiety related background, or controlling.

He's just been invited to go somewhere to meet a friend of his but he won't go unless I do. I would think he would be glad to have a bit of time away from me, but I say that and I get told I'm unkind.

What is your response to such unfounded accusations from him?.

The above is more manipulation designed to get you to give in and into what he wants. He likely thinks that if you are out of his sight for whatever reason that you're going to cheat or run off with another man.

If MH issues are actually behind this then what he is doing about addressing these rather than wanting to keep you with him 24/7?. Let me guess here - nothing at all. He likes doing this to you. Such paranoid behaviour is unacceptable in any language.

It seems like Covid and the lockdowns etc have impacted him but he's got to understand that you need to do things differently now.
He sounds suffocating and he needs to realise that.

"He's just been invited to go somewhere to meet a friend of his but he won't go unless I do. I would think he would be glad to have a bit of time away from me, but I say that and I get told I'm unkind".

In relation to this comment from him as well, you are being supposedly unkind about what exactly?. Not doing as he asks?. I still wonder why you actually described him as being "gregarious and outgoing" because he is clearly not, well not at present.

@TheChip He has been out since lockdown eased and really enjoyed talking to people. This is a new friend he made through work so I guess I can see why he would rather me be there. But he is like this anyway. I would go, but not today as I'm busy and also I'm not totally Ok with the idea that he won't go without me, rather than if he simply would rather I went, if that makes sense.

I will have to set up some space in the spare room. I just know though that he'll see it as a hurtful thing.

He has a job where he is talking to people a lot of the time, but expects you to be in the same room even though you are also wfh? That is unbelievable. There is no way I could cope with the incessant demands to always be there. You Need time alone to decompress.

I am so sorry about your early life with your parents, OP. AttilaTheMeerkat is right - that was not normal relationships, but is the reason you have this DP problem now, as a decent two-way equal relationship was not modelled to you. Please assert your self and your own needs. This will probably mean you need to leave him as it looks as though he is being controlling and abusive. Think highly enough of yourself not to bend to his every need but to take your own seriously. That is healthy.

@AttilaTheMeerkat by outgoing I mean talkative and enjoys speaking to people. Like, seeks company out sort of thing. I'm not really all that socially. Little and infrequent is enough for me, he can talk all day.

@rainbowstardrops I don't want to play the seriousness of covid down but we actually had fun over lock down. It's just, as you say, things need to readjust now.

What is your response to such unfounded accusations from him?.

I just say that I'm not. There are times I explain in more detail but I don't every time.

I mean, if I really was that horrible it would show up in other ways too you know? This all boils down to time spent together and how switched on I am. I'm just shattered today and I can't be all chatty and massive energy.