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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found Dh secret viagra stash.....

101 replies

Crustyoddsocks · 04/10/2021 20:16

Fuck.....long post alert....
How much do you trust your partner? I think I maybe only trust DH 90%.
Recently found an empty blister pack and an almost empty blister pack (7 gone 1 remaining) of viagra in his wallet. I was trying to cover my tracks after washing his wallet by mistake so not intentially snooping, just trying to dry everything before he noticed .Blush Ive never snooped before as never felt the need to.

I was pretty shocked by the discovery not because I give 2 hoots about people taking viagra but because I dont think dh needs it. I’ve also not really noticed any difference in performance and we havent been that active recently. We are not communicating very well and have hit a rough patch/arnt getting on. So I have a bit of a bad feeling that the viagra might not have been for my benefit Sad
Think I have issues/anxiety re trust possibly due to my parents ‘perfect marriage’ crumbling overnight and my dad being a serial philanderer/not the person we thought he was. So this has impacted on me not trusting DH or anyone else 100%. I dont want to be naive/ put my head in the sand which I think my mum did (not that I blame her). So my default is suspicious/ not a push over or maybe I have serious trust issues?
We have been together 15 years, married 10 I honestly trust DH a lot, just not totally. Could there be a rational explanation? Is this a normal secret to keep? I suppose he could have bought for our anniversary weekend away a few months ago but he never mentioned it.

I just cant shrug off the doubt. Why would he not tell me if its for us? Is it wrong also to think its a bit sleazy ie that he wants to improve his performance/enjoyment? I just thought we could have spoken about if there was an innocent reason.
Urgh do I confront him? Casually speak about viagra?! Go all Nancy drew on his wallet and monitor it, see if the other one disappears? Further snooping?

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/10/2021 20:29

I'd be more suspicious of condoms.
It's not sleazy to use Viagra, no, and it's not just for his enjoyment; it would give you a better time too. If he's hiding it innocently, it's likely because he feels embarrassed about his performance becoming less reliable as he ages. Or maybe he has always taken it. Men aren't keen to admit that they are not permanently virile and up for sex, as that's kind of what society expects a "real man" to be like.

The other things - the two of you not getting on - are something I'd worry about more.

I wouldn't confront him, in any case, but say something like "This fell out of your wallet, have you been to the GP, are you OK?" and check he was getting proper medical advice.
I'm just at the age when I need some extra lubrication, and find it mildly embarrassing to bring up - it would be a lot harder if my partner made a big thing of it.

Redannie118 · 04/10/2021 20:33

Sorry OP but this was my first sign my ex DH was cheating. I kept my mouth shut and played Susie Sunshine while going totally secret squirrel on his lying, cheating arse. In 2 weeks I had my ducks in a row and the evidence I needed. If you confront him you will get the " I was trying it out for us, to make things better" bollocks, while he locks down his phone and devices and deletes everything in sight. Im so sorry this is happening to you. Please find someone to talk to IRL. I didnt,and it was very lonely.

ravenmum · 04/10/2021 20:41

Re your first question - I don't trust my partner as such at all. That doesn't mean I think he's a cheat. You can just never tell if someone is going to cheat on you: cheats aren't a separate species.

Have a look at some of the "top ten signs he's cheating" type lists, and yes, if you really do think it's likely apart from the Viagra, then keep your suspicions to yourself until you have actual evidence: accusing someone of cheating without proof is pointless.

Otoh, if you can ask him about the Viagra in a non-suspicious, concerned and kindly manner, then you could see how flustered he got, as another sign.

HaggisBurger · 04/10/2021 20:44

My DSIS discovered her exH was cheating when she found a viagra prescription and knew it wasn’t for her benefit. I’d keep an eye on that last one and see when it disappears and if you’ve had sex then. I’d be v v suspicious tbh.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 04/10/2021 20:46

My cousin uses it, his wife doesn't know, he thinks she'll take it personally about him not fancying her anymore etc.

I told him he's a fool

Shelddd · 04/10/2021 20:47

You should be able to tell if he is using Viagra with you.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 04/10/2021 20:49

Swap them for Blue M & M's and say nothing.. .

Original poster
Crustyoddsocks · 04/10/2021 21:07

Thanks everyone. More digging needed, agree confrontation not way to get to bottom of this.
Im not taking it personally but find it odd, as far as Im aware he doesnt have ED.
What are the signs re viagra use? Not aware of him staying hard for a long time or initiating more than usual.
Im pretty sure he got from online pharmacy I think its like an over the counter drug now. He never goes to doc but got strong hayfever meds online so pretty sure he must have got that too.

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 04/10/2021 21:09

He could be using it with you and it's a sign that maybe he's embarrassed or feels awkward telling you.

Or he could be using it with someone else.

In your shoes I'd monitor it, see if the last one disappears online with the last time you have sex

SweetBabyCheeses99 · 04/10/2021 21:14

Trust me you would know if he was taking viagra with you. I’m sorry but I’d say he’s cheating. Prob not an affair but more likely prostitutes. It’s a perfectly innocent mistake to wash his wallet and I’m sure he’s going to notice when it’s all clean and smells like Persil so I’d just confront him over it and get it done with.

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/10/2021 21:15

My ex used it secretly. He was open about taking it sometimes, but I’m aware he took it other times without mentioning it. This was for sex with me - he wasn’t cheating I’m pretty certain. He had however gone off sex with me, which is a whole other story….

I’m torn about it as a concept - secrets in a relationship aren’t great, and I do believe that open communication about sex is especially important. However, we are all entitled to a bit of privacy too, and all have some stuff we find it hard to talk about…..

rjacksmiss · 04/10/2021 21:17

I'd be suspicious that it's in his wallet rather than bedside table if he was using with with you..

Lovelydiscusfish · 04/10/2021 21:19

Just saw your last message - the signs of viagra use differ from guy to guy as far as I am aware. And it’s not only guys with ED who take it - some take it to last longer. This was why my ex took it, and it wasn’t so obvious I could always tell unless I knew already (if you see what I mean).

My current partner took it once for no particular reason, just to try it, and it made no perceptible difference. And one guy I know said it had the opposite effect to the one intended on him. So I am not sure the PP who said you would definitely know he was using it, is necessarily correct in all cases.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/10/2021 21:22

If he was using it with you, you'd likely experience it lasting a long time and some difficulty reaching orgasm.

GoodnightGrandma · 04/10/2021 21:25

A lot more digging needed.
If he is cheating he will most probably deny it, so get your evidence ready.

IReallyCantThinkOfAnything · 04/10/2021 21:26

@SweetBabyCheeses99 What? Bit of a jump there. Also, think about what you’re saying and how you deliver it. OP probably feels horrid as it is.

OP - sit tight and monitor the situation.

altmember · 04/10/2021 21:30

You wouldn't necessarily know if he was taking it with you. It doesn't enhance performance, only makes things work as they should. So if he doesn't have ED then it won't have any effect at all (except maybe giving him a headache). And if he needs Viagra, then he'll need it to have sex with you just the same as with someone else. He wouldn't be having sex with you without needing it, but at the same time needing it for an affair partner.

I'm not sure how you can 90% trust someone, you either do or you don't?

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2021 21:36

Keeping viagra in his wallet? I believe he's cheating.

Finknottlesnewt · 04/10/2021 21:37

As someone whose husband has suffered from ED since his early 40s (so nearly 20 years) I can tell you it it's a life changing affliction that has a devastating effect on the confidence and self esteem of both the sufferer and the partner.

ED comes in many forms. Not being able to get an erection. Not being able to maintain an erection . Not being able to last long . It's a very complicated disease which is wrapped up in physical/psychological issues and really complex .

My DH didn't tell me he took Viagra for years . He was too embarrassed and didn't want me to think that I didn't turn him on.

It's a horrible condition and no it doesn't always mean they 'go on' for ages .. or that they can't achieve orgasm . Those things can happen but it depends what the root cause is and the type of viagra /cialis that he is on. It's strength and how often he is using it .

Have a read up about ED before jumping to conclusions but a man who is in need of performance assistance is not the first choice for a philanderer.

Original poster
Crustyoddsocks · 04/10/2021 21:38

Yes the fact its in his wallet did bother me but then we did go away for a weekend together a few months ago so it could explain the wallet...but doesnt really explain why its still there Confused
Ill look out for signs but havent really been aware of anything and why would you take it 7x if it didnt make much of a difference? I think he is using it with someone else.
This is why its not all adding up and is suspicious to me.

OP posts:
FreeBritnee · 04/10/2021 21:39

@Watchingyou2sleezes

My cousin uses it, his wife doesn't know, he thinks she'll take it personally about him not fancying her anymore etc.

I told him he's a fool

How do you know and not his wife?!
FreeBritnee · 04/10/2021 21:40

Op any possibility he might be visiting escorts?

Finknottlesnewt · 04/10/2021 21:43

Yes - that is correct . If he is taking it because he needs it .. then of course you wouldn't notice any difference. It would just help replace the blood flow to the penis that can reduce as men age.
Contrary to urban myth it doesn't turn most men into rampant sex gods. Mores the shame .

ClareOBA · 04/10/2021 21:46

I would snoop. It's suspicious that it's in his wallet and you haven't noticed any difference.

Original poster
Crustyoddsocks · 04/10/2021 21:48

I saw the someone mention prostitutes further up too. Dunno tbh. With covid DH has hardly been out my sight, works from home and is helping with the kids or in his shed (which I can see). We are doing a loft conversion, he is doing it himself so it takes up evenings and weekends. We live in a remote rural area so im not convinced accessing escorts etc would be very easy and it does make me doubt an affair as well but I know people manage. This is so bloody grimSad

OP posts:
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