@Onthedunes So many questions! That's cool. Others will have different answers, I suspect, but since I'm here and my 8.30 meeting has just been cancelled…
Firstly, it's polyamory not polygamy - which is exclusively one man with many wives. Polyamory is a bit of an etymological mash-up, but it means 'many loves' - it's important, because polygamy comes with a lot of negative associations.
It's not that non-monogamy and polyamory are different things.
Non-monogamy, or as I prefer ethical non-monogamy (because there are plenty of people doing non-monogamy unethically - it's generally called 'cheating') or consensual non-monogamy, is an umbrella term which covers all sorts of ways of being non-monogamous where evryone knows and has agreed to it - from swinging and open marriages right through to full-on co-habiting multi-partner households. Basically anything that's not two people exclusively and only seeing each other. I will use ENM from here on to save typing, ok?
Polyamory is basically one way to be non-monogamous, and is generally taken to mean people who have on-going, romantic and sexual relationships with more than one person. (i.e. not just sexual).
Regarding demographics.
Polyamory, I'm finding as a woman in my mid-forties, is actually most common in the twenty-somethings/millennials. Going to poly meet-ups I often feel like I'm 20 years too old to be there! I think this generation is questioning a lot of societal norms in lots of ways, from how they work, to how they identify, live and love. More power to their elbow, I say.
I guess the other group I come across are people, like me, who tried the conventional monogamous thing, and found it didn't work for them, and sought out another way of doing things. When I was in my 20s I didn't even know poly was a thing - that it was an available option.
I would say what these groups have in common is a degree of flexibility in how they live their lives generally. I think that's something a lot of 20 somethings - certainly here in London - are doing, especially regarding work. There's a lot of self-employment and freelancing, gig-economy stuff. Similarly a lot of the 40-somethings have come out of the other side of a 9-5, and are doing their own thing of have negotiated flexibility into their working life.
Does that make it a middle-class luxury to live this way? I think being middle class makes it easier, sure. (It makes monogamy easier too, hell, it makes a lot of things easier!) Do I think it's necessary? No. And I know plenty of 9-5 employed people in all kinds of jobs who are doing this too. My ex-girlfriend worked in a state school with kids with autism, very much 8am-5pm, very much not well paid. She's one of the most actively poly people I know!
Regarding property rights. I don't think it's so much that poly people are sitting on property and wealth and don't want to share it. I think it's that poly people have got comfortable with a degree of uncertainty on this front, and have decided, for whatever reason, that financial security isn't top of the list of priorities. There are, in fact, a lot of renters in my own immediate network.
When I became poly, I was a single mother of two young children, I had my own business (but it was a young business, with erratic income), any money I had built up was stuck in my marital home and I had to fight to get my hands on it - which took years. By the time all the legal fees had been paid there wasn't a lot left, and I had burned through a lot of it just to keep afloat during that time.
Point being, I had made a decision to walk away from a lot of security - I often describe it as 'putting a bomb under my life'. It was scary, stressful, but ultimately I, and my kids were ok. I realised I could start over, and that all the things I was scared of losing - my home, my financial security - weren't as important as I thought they were. I also learned that planning for the future only gets you so far... because life twists and turns, and none of us really know what will happen.
It doesn't mean I am fiscally irresponsible... it just means that I have grown comfortable with a bit more risk, I guess. Property rights and poly are a minefield, for example, I share a house and a mortgage with my partner, but if he were to die, because we are not married (and he is married to someone else), I would get lumped with a tonne of taxes, which would probably mean I couldn't stay in this house. I love my home, and I love sharing it with him, but if ultimately I have to leave it? So-be-it. Done it before. Can do it again.
Education - well, I think it helps to be smart, and to be prepared to think hard and do plenty of reading. No, I don't think you need to have a degree, or indeed a formal education of any kind. But unlearning centuries of cultural and societal norms, questioning perceived wisdom, understanding the dynamics of poly takes brain-work, for sure. To do poly well, I think you have to be willing and able to engage with it intellectually as well as emotionally.
Do people go back to monogamy after being poly? Yes. Some do. A lot don't. I never will.
Some people do because they meet someone who only wants monogamy, and so they 'give up' poly for that person. That can be very upsetting for the other people they're in relationships with... frankly, it's a sucky thing to do. And, if you're really poly – in your bones, so to speak – it rarely ends well. It never does, does it, when you try to be someone you're not, for the sake of a relationship.
Some people try poly and find it too hard to navigate, and go back to monogamy. I tend not to date 'newly poly' people for that reason.
Some people stay poly in theory, but circumstantially end up living more or less monogamously because of lack of time, or a because a partner becomes ill, or whatever. I've found they generally come back to poly when able.
But generally I'd say if you make the decision to be poly, it's best to aim to commit to it. Because going in to it with an 'suck it and see' mentality means that people will get hurt while you're figuring yourself out.
Blurred lines - not sure what you mean here, but I would say that yes, most of the poly people I know don't have such hard lines between friendships and romance and sex as most of the monogamous people I know. I think that's because poly relationships by their nature have more scope to change and flex over time - and they move through different phases without the 'you're my everything or you're nothing' that can go along with monogamy.
And yes, some people date loads, others date less... Over the last eight years, I've become pretty selective about who I'll date, and tend to prefer fewer, deeper connections, to lots of lighter, more casual ones. My boyfriend likes both, so he has three deep and long lasting relationships, and usually two or three more casual ones. Ditto my ex girlfriend. (She's only ex because she moved away… and is still a close friend.)
Happy to answer questions - it's the only way to dispel myths and challenge preconceptions, so I genuinely thank you for asking them. Sorry my reply is so long!
