Non-monogamous relationships discussion thread

[wishfuldreamer]

I know that the last time someone attempted this, it didn't end well. but, some time has passed here, and i've witnessed some more reasonable discussions - and there were enough people asking questions on a different thread that I thought maybe a separate thread might be useful, rather than derail the OP's advice more than it already was.

I realise i can't control the direction of this, but I was thinking about this more as a place for people to ask questions and a place for discussion. not really for people in happy monogamous marriages to tell ENM folks what they are doing wrong/don't understand. Monogamous marriage is a perfectly valid choice, as far as I'm concerned, it just isn't the choice for me.

anyway...the space is here if people want to discuss or ask questions.

It doesn't mean I am fiscally irresponsible... it just means that I have grown comfortable with a bit more risk, I guess. Property rights and poly are a minefield, for example, I share a house and a mortgage with my partner, but if he were to die, because we are not married (and he is married to someone else), I would get lumped with a tonne of taxes, which would probably mean I couldn't stay in this house. I love my home, and I love sharing it with him, but if ultimately I have to leave it? So-be-it. Done it before. Can do it again

If he’s married to someone else she could end up with your (and by extension, your children’s) share of the house. Hope you’ve had proper legal advice about that.

@TackyJewellery all ancient history now... and yes, got good legal advice - it's what cost me a bunch of my savings!

I got money out of the house in the end – not enough, by a long way, given that it was me that brought the property and equity into the marriage – but there came a point when I wanted him out of my life more than I wanted the money.

Your concern is a nice thing though - genuine thank you.

What probably more pertinent here, and is why in the end I didn't get into a protracted fight about money, was my ex's threat to use my non-monogamy as grounds to gain full custody of my kids. Good legal advice helped ensure that didn't happen, but it's an un-tested circumstance, legally, in the uk as yet.

And it's why, for me, poly visibility is really important. It needs to stop being, in the public consciousness, a niche, poorly understood and much maligned thing that only deviants do.

@TackyJewellery Ah, sorry, just realised that you're talking about my current partner, not my ex.

And yes, as many legal measures as can be put in place, have been put in place. Which has also cost a fortune in legal fees. It's only a thing if his wife decides to challenge his will in court - and I can't imagine her doing that, or a court accepting that a challenge to his will is valid.

The biggest problem is likely to be fucking taxes. The state doesn't give me the right to inherit the house as a spouse, with, I think paying capital gains tax on it. Even though we bought it together and live here together.

The biggest problem is likely to be fucking taxes. The state doesn't give me the right to inherit the house as a spouse, with, I think paying capital gains tax on it. Even though we bought it together and live here together

Apologies for derailing your interesting thread into a boring tangent about wills and property!

Not at all - it's very relevant. As soon as you structure your life in a way that doesn't conform, any of the protections of law don't apply. It's a very real issue and an important consideration when considering doing things differently.

@whycantwegoonasthree

Thank you for answering, I have gained more understanding.

I am essentially a believer that if you are not actively hurting anyone, knowingly then all is good, all parties with full disclosure.

Are there many situations where jealousy arises or is this considered to be illogical and un worthy of comfort when it does.?

Could I ask is there an older sector in the poly community? I mean this is probably where the seeds were laid during the sixties with flower power, the acceptance of free love, the turn on, tune in and drop out brigade of the baby boomers.
Or did most of them just conform?

As with the suspected patiarchy attatched to polygamy do you believe there there could be a suspected matriarchy attatched to polyamory?

More questions, sorry.

I suppose it will continue to be very difficult to change the laws of protection concerning inheritance look how long it has taken for women who were married to gain a voice.

Yes, jealousy does happen. In a healthy relationship, you can talk about it with the relevant partner. IME it's usually due to either feelings of insecurity (and you talk about how to help with that) or because you're getting less time with that partner and feeling forgotten/left out (again, you talk about how to make time for each other). Not all people are in healthy relationships though.

What's been surprising for me, is compersion. That's when you are happy for your partner when you see them with another partner. When my partner gives my metamour a hug or kiss etc in front of me, it makes me inwardly think "Oh they're so cute!" and I start grinning.

I think what poly invites you to do when you feel jealousy is to dig a bit deeper as to what you're feeling and why. In a lot a monogamous relationships I see jealousy being conflated with love… "he's only jealous because he loves me so much, it's a sign that he cares".

But given that we've agreed it's ok for partners to love others, that conflation makes even less sense. So instead we have to ask ourselves, am I feeling that someone has something that I believe is rightfully mine, and mine alone? Am I feeling that someone has something that I want? Am I frightened or insecure that I'm about to lose something that I value?

I think poly people feel jealousy (and envy) as much as anyone. More, probably, because there are more opportunities to experience it! It's what we do with it that's different – because we can't get away with ignoring it.

The biggest learning curve in poly is communication. In mono relationships you can get away with not talking about a whole lot of stuff, because there are a lot of things taken for granted or as a given. I don't actually think that's a good thing... learning to be open and honest about what you're feeling and asking yourself why is a total game changer. But you have to learn how to do it, because it's not the norm in our relationship culture generally.

Interesting thread. I’ve been wondering for a while whether some people are ‘naturally’ monogamous and others are ‘naturally’ non-monogamous. And if so, what’s behind the difference? I just wonder because monogamy doesn’t come easily to me, although I’m capable of doing it with a fair amount of effort. There’s definitely a prevailing expectation of it, at least in the circles I move in.

@RiojaRose – I'm not sure that any humans are naturally monogamous! I think some are better suited than others at conforming to societal expectations.

And I think it's still the expectation pretty much everywhere – it's definitely not yet become widely accepted. It's like these days, it's perfectly fine to love whoever you like (which is great) but only one at a time (not so great).

Or as Esther Perel says so eloquently: "Monogamy used to mean one person for life. Now it means one person at a a time."

Here's that Ted talk about humans and monogamy - in case you missed it above. It's not long and it's great.

www.ted.com/talks/christopher_ryan_are_we_designed_to_be_sexual_omnivores?language=en

@Onthedunes the matriarchal equivalent of polygamy isn't polyamory, it's polygyny. What I would say is that whilst it's not 'matriarchal' - women calling the shots (the idea being egalitarianism, where no-one gets to call the shots) there's certainly a hefty feminist cross-over. A lot of the women I know who have chosen to be poly have done it in part in rejection of the ownership of their bodies and sexuality by anyone but themselves.

There's also a heft queer overlap.

As for older poly people – I haven't met very many over sixty. I'm not sure if that's because they don't exist, or because they've been more closeted, or they just hang out in different places to me. But there are plenty of fifty-somethings, that's for sure.

It was definitely a fairly popular idea in the sixties (my username refers, in part, to a song about it by Jefferson Airplane) but I'm not sure how many people followed through in practice for the long term...