Do I bin this guy off because he follows loads of women on Insta

[Biscoff123]

Ok, so I know this is really, ridiculously early days.

I met a guy on Friday night on an evening out. Instant connection straight away, he seemed really sweet, quite shy and down to earth, really funny, bit geeky, but absoloutely hilarious and I was laughing and smiling all evening. Physical attraction was there and just had such a good feeling about him!

We have been texting a bit yesterday (initiated by him) quite flirty... he said "maybe I will see you again sometime with a fingers crossed emoji" but hasn't actually asked to go on a date or anything....

Today he sent me a message 7pm (kinda flirty, banter type message)... I replied at 7.30, it is 10pm and he is online but just hasn't replied. Which just unsettled me. I don't want to be more keen than someone else.

I was looking on his Instagram, all his photos are very normal, no photos of him with any girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, so unless he has deleted them looks like he has been single for ever!

I looked at who he follows... probably I'm looking for red flags, and literally it is just hundreds of random girls/models/ lingerie type profiles. It has just put me off of him MASSIVELY. Such a turn off. He is 31 so I'd expect that from a teenager but not a grown man, I just find it gross.

I just feel disappointed, even though I barely known him and only just met him, we had such a good time on Friday, he came across as sooo lovely, and not pervy at all, and it has just been so long since I've clicked with someone like that and so I just feel like eugh, why are all men just gross.

Am I over reacting? Even if me and him did ever date i wouldnt be happy him following all these underwear and x-rated profiles so it would just be awkward and annoying for me to bring up, and I can't be arsed with it.

Just feel shit. I think I got carried away with the thought that I'd met someone with potential

@MMmomDD

OP - are you sure you are ready to date? You appear so hurt by some past relationship that you bring all of the baggage onto this. You see red flags and jump to conclusions. And at the same time appear quite needy.

You met the guy, liked him. Started casual chatting. Neither of you know anything about each other’s lives.
But if you start by keeping track of timing of responses and make sweeping conclusions with no information - this is only going to end up badly.

You are also being naive thinking you can read that much into a person by Instagram followings. You have no idea what your Mail friends do online, or what messages they exchange with their me friends.

This particular guy is irrelevant really, but I do think you need to heal a little more before you date anyone.

Stop shaming OP for exercising her judgement and trusting her intuition to keep her safe. She owes no dude a chance. Her hesitance is totally justified in this case, as illustrated by the fact that 95% of posters agree with her.

And then along comes someone like you to shatter her confidence and make her second guess her very smart and reasonable standards. It makes me so sad...

@SionnachRua

It wouldn't bother me personally and I don't think there's anything wrong/abnormal with the guy. No different to a woman lusting after Idris Elba etc really. It's not like the IG girls will be sliding into his DMs.

However, you're entitled to bin someone for whatever reason you like and if you're not at ease with him for this, get rid.

Do you honestly know any woman in your life who follows attractive men on instagram by the hundreds? Not just a few celebrity crushes, i'm talking 90% of your follow list consisting in bodybuilders and male models?

Your friend casually following Idris Elba is not the same as using insta as a spank bank, ffs

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I hate the attitude that women owe men a chance. We owe them nothing. Just because you get on well doesn't mean you can't change your mind for any reason at all.

The relationship board is full of women who haven't spotted the red flags early in their relationship. Women who didn't want to end it over something "silly". Women who don't want to be seen as judgmental.

Judge every man you meet. Be picky. Don't settle for a man just because society tells us to not kick up a fuss. End relationships because you don't like the look of his right toe if you want! This is your life and you can do whatever you like.

This x100!

Eewww
Yes

This relationship board is full of it because people in a happy and fulfilled relationship, don't generally post up on it.

And to be honest, I'm at odds to understand why woman can crush on Tom Hardy or James Bond actors or be ' liberated' with 50 shades and then be sniffy when men do the same. Added to the fact a lot of women tend to have more risqué pictures on their profile. And the fact it's easy to follow and forget. Sorry but I think everyone has a right to respond

@baileys6904

This relationship board is full of it because people in a happy and fulfilled relationship, don't generally post up on it.

And to be honest, I'm at odds to understand why woman can crush on Tom Hardy or James Bond actors or be ' liberated' with 50 shades and then be sniffy when men do the same. Added to the fact a lot of women tend to have more risqué pictures on their profile. And the fact it's easy to follow and forget. Sorry but I think everyone has a right to respond

But do you know any actual women whose instagram is mostly a spank bank? Following a few celebrity crushes, as women usually do, is in no way comparable to following hundreds of softcore porn.

@MMmomDD

I do wonder if this post were reversed, what the advice would be…

A guy coming here saying… Met a nice girl, lots of chemistry. Checked her Instagram and there are bikini photos liked by other me. Clearly I should date her as she has questionable morals?…

What would he be told on here. I wonder.

Do you think that men and women behave the same then? In relationships? Really?

Think women are correct to be vigilant. We’re in an epidemic of misogyny, the erosion of women’s rights, constant domestic violence and murders on a daily basis.

I think we can deal with hurty
Menz feelz

And OP? Good for you having standards. 🙌

Dear me @MMmomDD just because you have zero standards don't try and imply OP is wrong.
OP it would repulse me he sounds like an utter sleaze

If it bothers your Op that's what matters. Sounds like you're backtracking a little bit when some posters are suggesting you're being judgey. Keep your standards high, if it's a problem now it won't get any better!

I would get some therapy booked also to help you to learn to trust yourself more and to stop doubting your intuition.

If it doesn't work for you it doesn't work for you. Some people will accept anything you don't have to be one of them.

[quote MMmomDD]@Janaih

It’s just plain double standards. But I guess it’s typical MN.
Men are quick to be judged as misogynists, even if the only data point we have is following some Instagram accounts.
The women who created those accounts and plastered it with their bodies for men to see and ogle - good and empowered of them.

And then of course there is an automatic assumption that all this poor guy does is sitting by Instagram and scrolling through pictures. (And somebody else’s assumption that he wanks for 15 min every other day)

People are more than their internet usage. Given OP’s history, she is likely to keep seeing the red flags everywhere before she gets to know the actual person.[/quote]
If the 'data point' in question reeks of misogyny, then it should rightly be called out as such.

Also this: people are more than their internet usage. True, BUT, if a bloke is an upstanding pillar of the community by day, but for example is caught with explicit pictures of children on his computer and gets arrested, he would rightly be judged on that. People would avoid him.

People may be more than their internet use, but if their internet use is disgusting, sexist, immoral or illegal, then as a society we judge it as such, and a good fucking thing too. Now stop with your whataboutery. The guy in the OP is a letchy fucker and no woman wants that. Ever.

I deleted his number, but he has text me several times (and hasn't ignored or left it hours between any of my replies), however, the whole conversation is just him being very flirty. Even when I tried to just ask casual questions like, what's your favourite film, he managed to make that into something flirtatious which has just annoyed me. I just want a normal conversation! He hasn't asked me anything about myself! He seems way too "overexcited" and I've just got the ick now.

It is confusing to me because in person he seemed really endearing, shy, awkward and geeky... his messages he seems cocky, and just only wants to flirt!

I didn't meet him at a random night out, I met him at a hobby that I've started and will be going back to, so I am going to see him in person again... I don't know whether to just see what he is like in person, and bring up these things in a sorta lighthearted way to see how he responds...

If we hadnt been texting I would have spent all week counting down the days until Friday night to see him again as I felt soooo excited about him. His texting combined with the profiles has been a disappointment!

I suspect the flirty creepy thing is something he does when he DMs all of the women he follows on insta. I don't think he knows how to see women as people rather than objects of his sexual desire. Who knows he may have had a positive response to this behaviour in the past so thinks it works.

Weird update. Don't know what to think.

So basically I messaged him tonight and said that I really liked him when I met him, but now I felt like he seemed like a sex pest and that I can't be arsed with that.

He replied straightaway to say he absolutely wasn't a sex pest, and he felt really bad for upsetting me. I didn't reply as didn't really know what to say to this. He then called me, and the conversation just felt so awkward for me. I just feel like this whole interaction and courting has already gone weird, and been ruined now and tinged with awkwardness!!

I said that even though I had done some flirting back, I felt like he hadn't asked me any questions about myself and hadn't shown any interest in me as a person and seemed to just want to flirt. He said that he didn't mean it to be like that, that he will take it on board. He said he didn't want it to just be a sexual type thing.

I just felt really embarrassed because I had told him that I liked him via message, and on the phone he said he enjoyed my company. And then he said that he likes me, and wants to see where things go, but wants to move slow and not push things and wants to get to know me more.

I just feel really embarrassed and like the whole thing has become weird and pressurised now. Like I've only just met him, we might not even really like eachother!! And I know we have kind of "told" eachother I feel like there is pressure because it is out in the open.

I just feel weird. He said he wasn't thinking that much into the messages or the whole thing. I've clearly been thinking about this way too much and he barely has.

I just feel silly like I've made myself look really keen, and im not sure if he is, and now the situation just doesnt feel care free anymore! Eugh

He sure says all the right words when cornered. I think it's just an act to pull you back to protect his ego from you dumping him. Tread cautiously.

He's hardly going to admit to being a thirsty letch now is he!?

You don't have an obligation to talk to him, just say you're really busy and slow fade until he gets the message!

This is how people end up in shitty relationships - by listening to words and ignoring actions.

This would seriously put me off!! His IG following shows his character, regardless of how lovely he seems in person. That's easy to fake in the beginning and you have every right to not pursue a relationship for whatever reason. You owe him nothing.

I also don't like how he has presumed very early on that this interaction is heading towards a relationship, no matter how "slow" he proposes it go. You have met once and its strange that he is so disinterested in getting to know more about you by asking questions. He sounds very self centered and just enjoys flirty "banter" rather than any real connection (likely because he views women as sex objects).

I had a recent similar weird experience where I got chatting to a guy during a parking fiasco and he eventually asked for my number. In person he seemed chatty and kind but over text he was just a creep. No real interest in me as as person beyond the way I look and even asked me to send him pictures!!

Just gross!! Block and delete!!

Honestly, OP this is the easiest way to screen the creeps. Everyone should look at someone’s Instagram before they get involved with them as this, to me, is the most glaring and obvious red flag. You’ve done yourself a massive favour here and it’s easier to cut things off before you’re too involved.

This is how people end up in shitty relationships - by listening to words and ignoring actions.

This with bells on.

I think all he needs is a "I'm not interested" and then block him. He's developing quite a sense of entitlement over your time and attention for such little interaction.

He sounds like an absolute player. My guess: He will keep you dangling, try an occasion flirt in order to initiate a bit of phone sex or if he senses he is getting nowhere, suggest another date where he puts in minimal effort. If you get to the sex stage he will get cold feet immediately after because he wants to keep his options open because he is simultaneously exchanging sporadic messages with a lingerie model on IG.

Thanks everyone.

It was just such a weird phone call, but even though I'm 30 I feel so inexperienced in dating that I just tell myself I'm the one making it weird.

We were on the phone for about 50 minutes, and I kept trying to end the call and he didn't seem to want to end it... and was asking if things were cool and if I felt better.

He said "you think a lot don't you..."

To me it just doesnt make sense sending lots of flirty and sexual messages does not correlate with liking someone but wanting to take it slow...I honestly think I'm just an ego boost and a bit of fun and if he might fancy me, but not enough to ask me out, and I can't be arsed.

I'm going to be seeing him on Friday at our joint hobby where we met, and I'm not giving it up as I really enjoy it!! But I'm going to be giving him a wide berth.

I just feel so silly. We got on so well and I thought he really liked me :( even though he said on the phone he likes me and wants to get to know me more, something in my gut doesn't feel right

@Biscoff123

Thanks everyone.

It was just such a weird phone call, but even though I'm 30 I feel so inexperienced in dating that I just tell myself I'm the one making it weird.

We were on the phone for about 50 minutes, and I kept trying to end the call and he didn't seem to want to end it... and was asking if things were cool and if I felt better.

He said "you think a lot don't you..."

To me it just doesnt make sense sending lots of flirty and sexual messages does not correlate with liking someone but wanting to take it slow...I honestly think I'm just an ego boost and a bit of fun and if he might fancy me, but not enough to ask me out, and I can't be arsed.

I'm going to be seeing him on Friday at our joint hobby where we met, and I'm not giving it up as I really enjoy it!! But I'm going to be giving him a wide berth.

I just feel so silly. We got on so well and I thought he really liked me :( even though he said on the phone he likes me and wants to get to know me more, something in my gut doesn't feel right

Listen to your gut and be confident that this guy will not be good for your sense of self worth. Find someone who focuses on you and not dozens of others. You will know it when you see it x

I would find that off putting to be honest but equally men’s brains can be mystifying and weird so I would probably let him off for it if I really liked him, but I’d look out for any other weird traits.

It would be a massive turn off here. You don’t know him nor are you invested in him so I would just call it a day here.

I kept trying to end the call and he didn't seem to want to end it..

Literally red flag bunting OP. Stop doubting yourself and steer clear. Trust me.