Do I bin this guy off because he follows loads of women on Insta

[Biscoff123]

Ok, so I know this is really, ridiculously early days.

I met a guy on Friday night on an evening out. Instant connection straight away, he seemed really sweet, quite shy and down to earth, really funny, bit geeky, but absoloutely hilarious and I was laughing and smiling all evening. Physical attraction was there and just had such a good feeling about him!

We have been texting a bit yesterday (initiated by him) quite flirty... he said "maybe I will see you again sometime with a fingers crossed emoji" but hasn't actually asked to go on a date or anything....

Today he sent me a message 7pm (kinda flirty, banter type message)... I replied at 7.30, it is 10pm and he is online but just hasn't replied. Which just unsettled me. I don't want to be more keen than someone else.

I was looking on his Instagram, all his photos are very normal, no photos of him with any girlfriend/ex-girlfriend, so unless he has deleted them looks like he has been single for ever!

I looked at who he follows... probably I'm looking for red flags, and literally it is just hundreds of random girls/models/ lingerie type profiles. It has just put me off of him MASSIVELY. Such a turn off. He is 31 so I'd expect that from a teenager but not a grown man, I just find it gross.

I just feel disappointed, even though I barely known him and only just met him, we had such a good time on Friday, he came across as sooo lovely, and not pervy at all, and it has just been so long since I've clicked with someone like that and so I just feel like eugh, why are all men just gross.

Am I over reacting? Even if me and him did ever date i wouldnt be happy him following all these underwear and x-rated profiles so it would just be awkward and annoying for me to bring up, and I can't be arsed with it.

Just feel shit. I think I got carried away with the thought that I'd met someone with potential

oh god you are not unfairly judging him! those comments are ridiculous.

Over the years I have only known a few men who follow models and porn stars on social media not friends, just random people they have all been really creepy and inappropriate.

More and more women are listening to their instincts, recognising patterns, and helping each other have strong boundaries. Of course a lot of people aren't happy about this so you're going to get called judgy and unfair. But you're absolutely not!

*your
Ugh 😂

I hate the attitude that women owe men a chance. We owe them nothing. Just because you get on well doesn't mean you can't change your mind for any reason at all.

The relationship board is full of women who haven't spotted the red flags early in their relationship. Women who didn't want to end it over something "silly". Women who don't want to be seen as judgmental.

Judge every man you meet. Be picky. Don't settle for a man just because society tells us to not kick up a fuss. End relationships because you don't like the look of his right toe if you want! This is your life and you can do whatever you like.

@Gettingthereslowly2020

I hate the attitude that women owe men a chance. We owe them nothing. Just because you get on well doesn't mean you can't change your mind for any reason at all.

The relationship board is full of women who haven't spotted the red flags early in their relationship. Women who didn't want to end it over something "silly". Women who don't want to be seen as judgmental.

Judge every man you meet. Be picky. Don't settle for a man just because society tells us to not kick up a fuss. End relationships because you don't like the look of his right toe if you want! This is your life and you can do whatever you like.

It's weird how it's acceptable to be picky over a sofa colour or a pair of shoes, but God forbid you'd be picky about your life partner and potential father of your children where a wrong choice could lead to a life of misery or in the worst case scenario, being hurt or killed.

Yes, I like that analogy. It's so true, we spend ages choosing a new sofa, carefully thinking about the fabric, colour, shape, size, if it will match our homes etc. But how dare OP judge a potential life partner, she must give him a chance without a second thought.

I just want someone who is a gentleman and respectful, and when I look at my Male friends who I admire and respect, none of them follow these kinds of pages

I think your alarm bells are ringing for a reason and I would slow fade rather then by direct.

It's not our job as women to educate grown men who don't know how to act. Keep your standards high OP.

No wonder misogyny is alive and well with some of the most avid support from women themselves.

We should be teaching our daughters, sisters, neices etc how to spot a dick head and how to steer clear, not perpetuating bollocks that for some reason women 'need' a man (I can still hear my mother saying this)

The misogyny apologists need to go back to the 1950s and stay there.

I think people throw around labels too easily these days. None of us know this guy, so we have no idea what his attitude to women is.

As to our daughters, sisters and nieces…..
I believe that if they chose to become Instagram models and show off whatever they want - it’s their right.

I’d prefer my daughters didn’t chose that as a passtime - but I know I won’t be able to stop them.
And since the women create these accounts to be seen - I am not sure why we need to throw stones at the target audience.

Now - if you are in a relationship with someone, and you have told them you have an issue with them following these accounts - and they dismiss your feelings. That is a whole different story.

So - if OP met this guy, started dating him, and defined her boundaries and he didn’t respect them - fair enough. Throw stones.
But here on MN he seems to be carrying the guilt of all the men who have wronged all the posters.
It’s mob like.

No sorry deal breaker! I've been dating a guy like this on and off and it's turned me into the most insecure version of myself. I wish I'd ended it as soon as I'd found it out rather than have gone through all these negative feelings about myself over the months.
I usually give people the benefit of the doubt but in this instance it's a no from me

[quote MMmomDD]@ValerieCupcake

I was commenting on the OP’s post. Single guy, shy in person by Op’s account, possibly not in a relationship for a while following accounts of women on Instagram is hardly the same as being racist, etc.
And yes - it’s judgy.[/quote]
Well better to be judgy about who you date than an ass who judges women on their bodies !!!

OP there will always be people , including some women who want to participate in women’s objectification by supporting men who do this rubbish .

@MMmomDD

It says a lot about that guy
It tells us he thinks women should be awarded little
Love hearts for looking the way he seems attractive
That’s just revolting , judgemental and gross
Women have rights to set boundaries on who they date and to only date men who are respectful of women and don’t see them as ornaments
It has zero to do with why any of the women on Instagram posted
Who are you to judge the OP for her boundaries on whether she wants to date men who think objectifying women online is an acceptable past time

@Treacletoots

No wonder misogyny is alive and well with some of the most avid support from women themselves.

We should be teaching our daughters, sisters, neices etc how to spot a dick head and how to steer clear, not perpetuating bollocks that for some reason women 'need' a man (I can still hear my mother saying this)

The misogyny apologists need to go back to the 1950s and stay there.

THIS x 100

He's not following anyone this evening

Yeah I cba with so much drama after 3 days. It would turn me off too but in all reality I cba to even look him up on am at this point, but then I'm single with no plans to change that so what do I know. But in all honesty you had a fun drunken night out and met a bloke having the same. Literally just put it down to what it was. Next time don't make something that it isn't and don't make it such a big deal then you'll see things a whole lot clearer.

@Biscoff123 not necessarily, maybe he just hasn't found the one. Generally single men use Instagram to show off to attract other single women to date...

If he is interested in you, maybe he'll delete it when you get to boyfriend-girlfriend stage. Hopefully he won't need it anymore! X

Some men are just very good at being charming OP. What may feel like an instant connection can actually just be a ‘player’ doing his thing.

Well done for deleting number etc

As to our daughters, sisters and nieces…..
I believe that if they chose to become Instagram models and show off whatever they want - it’s their right.
I’d prefer my daughters didn’t chose that as a passtime

Double standard 101.

Women can do what they like with their bodies blah blah blah. I just wouldnt want it for my daughters

Women have instincts for a reason. If a guy pervs over semi naked women online, he ain't a keeper. No matter how blokes try and justify this crap. Its fucking disgusting. Funny how no bloke would like their daughter or wife to pose in underwear but when it's some random women it's absolutely fine. Away with your tosh, you make me feel sick 🤢

I do wonder if this post were reversed, what the advice would be…

A guy coming here saying… Met a nice girl, lots of chemistry. Checked her Instagram and there are bikini photos liked by other me. Clearly I should date her as she has questionable morals?…

What would he be told on here. I wonder.

Yeah I think it's a bit icky too, OP. I'd expect it of a teenage boy, but not a man in his 30s. I find it really seedy.

I think it's absolutely fair enough to not want to proceed with someone like that. When you're so early in getting to know someone, it's a good idea to take notice of those red flags instead of trying to explain them away and regretting it in the future.

Also I wouldn't really have an issue with a potential partner watching porn, but the following women on Instagram and whole list full of it feels different. Just a bit desperate and sad, I suppose, as it feels like it's more a part of his day-to-day life than something he does for 15 mins every couple of days to get off. You don't get porn on instagram so he obviously just enjoys looking at half-naked women in his spare time. I'd prefer someone with more interesting hobbies

Oh look here's the whatabouttery right on time
Male and female situations are not comparable in instances of misogyny.

@Janaih

It’s just plain double standards. But I guess it’s typical MN.
Men are quick to be judged as misogynists, even if the only data point we have is following some Instagram accounts.
The women who created those accounts and plastered it with their bodies for men to see and ogle - good and empowered of them.

And then of course there is an automatic assumption that all this poor guy does is sitting by Instagram and scrolling through pictures. (And somebody else’s assumption that he wanks for 15 min every other day)

People are more than their internet usage. Given OP’s history, she is likely to keep seeing the red flags everywhere before she gets to know the actual person.

I've worked in the online dating industry for 15 years. People are very much what their Internet history suggests they are.

Yikes, that would turn me off. I would throw him back into the ocean, but i know I'm picky and have less patience with men/i'm super quick to notice red flags and bin.

@MMmomDD

OP - is this what the world came to? You liked him in person. You haven’t given him a chance to show you what he is actually like. But you took one look at his Instagram and that’s it?

So shallow on your side. If I were a guy who met/liked you on a night out and then spied on you - and discovered this sort of behaviour pattern - I’d bin you.
So insecure and judgy.

Lol, that is such a naive view. Overlooking such red flags early one is what leads women into abusive relationships. And women with standards as low as yours allow shitty men like these to wade through life comfortably with zero consequence and zero awareness.

I'll continue to trust my intuition and keep my standards high, thank you very much!