New relationship - confused….

[Oneday975]

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. Not a stranger - knew him about 15years ago but have had very little contact since. We did have a bit of a fling back then but it didn’t work out (both of us with other people - very bad I know and I’d never do that again as I still feel ashamed)
Our lives moved on I go remarried and had my dd who is now 14. He didn’t have children and had relationships with older women (10 and 20 years older) but never lived with them despite the last relationship being for 12 years. He said he wanted to but she didn’t. His ex wife was very needy but I found out that all changed after they split up. He claimed they’d never had sex but she had a baby with her next husband! He claims to have had feelings for me all the time during his other relationships even to the point of discussing it with a counsellor.
Anyway we get on well mostly but there are lots of strange things. First time we went out for dinner I made lots of effort with my outfit, hair, etc - no compliment from him and he even made a comment about cutting back on eating out because of the cost! He only wanted one course - I said I’d normally have 2.
Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.
He also seemed to have a bo issue and when I told him turns out he never wore deodorant. I cannot believe his last girlfriend could have put up with that!
He doesn’t remember if I have something going on , eg had a few appointments recently and he when I told him about something I might have counselling/ or tablets for he said I didn’t need either - just him around 😳
He also told me he loved me as he was driving off one day - I didn’t react and haven’t mentioned it since.
I enjoy cooking and love food and he made a comment a couple of weeks ago because in one day I’d been out for breakfast and then had dinner in the evening. I have no idea why that’s strange. He doesn’t seem to eat much so maybe that’s why.
He also lives like he’s quite poor but had a well paid job until recently. He says he left work to help his elderly father move house. Kind of him but seems quite over the top to leave work for it.
Anyway I’d just be interested in people’s thoughts on this . Maybe I’m thinking too much into everything.

You've written about this guy before haven't you? I don't know why you'd even consider dating him. He smells!

I'm struggling to understand why you're attracted to him, tbh. If he's not making an effort with sex and general behaviour now then he never will.

The smell issue has gone now btw as he’s started wearing anti perspirant. Still amazed the last lady put up with this though.

@palavah because we do still actually get on well. Just something doesn’t feel quite right.

Why on earth are you together at all?. Why is your relationship bar this low that you're now dating this man you knew 15 years ago?. It did not work out then and its certainly not working now. Trying the same thing expecting a different result is pointless.

I would throw this one back into the pond from whence he came now. Do not keep on ignoring or otherwise minimise these red flags here. All this man cares about is his own self; you and your life are really of no consequence to him.

Would you want your daughter to be in a relationship with a man like described?. No.

He sounds like hard work.
If he's not making effort in the sex department now when it should be fantastic I'd bin him off.

How do you get on well together?. There's really nothing in your posts that suggests he actually thinks a lot of or about you.

Its a really low bar you have set for yourself here isn't it?

Urghhhh RUN! Honestly he sounds awful, so many red flags that are non negotiable!

Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.

Doesn't sound good to me, sounds pretty fucking awful. I'd dump him for that alone.

I'm not sure he cares that much about your feelings. I'm sorry to say but the B.O., lack of foreplay and the little interest shown in your activities all signal that it's all about him. I would be very careful about getting into a relationship with someone who was showing low empathy patterns towards you. He doesn't sound that much fun either! If he's not fun now he really won't be fun later when the first flush has worn off.

You’re just not that into him, he’s laid all this pressure onto you with the Declaration of love etc so you’re being swept into a romantic tale, but really you’re not feeling it.

It’s obvious get rid, your spidey senses are telling you this isn’t right for you

If something doesn’t feel right then go with that! A lot has to be said for your own intuition.
You don’t owe anything to anyone to stick it out if you’re not 100% into it.
And you deserve someone who remembers what’s going on in your life!

I am constantly amazed on Mumsnet by the low standards some women put up with just to have sex a boyfriend. .

Are you that desperate for company that you will put up someone who is mean with money,, unkind, smells, doesn't eat much (yet comments on what you eat) throws in his job and isn't much good in bed? I'd love to know what his good points are ...

“We get on quite well” is literally not a basis for a relationship. I can’t imagine why you would feel any sort of romantic feelings towards this man based on your descriptions.

It sounds like your settling.

I know you say you get on but there are several flags you have brought up in this early stage if its not fitting right don't waste your time.

You should still be in the honeymoon stage not worrying how often you eat, how many courses your going to eat if he's going to pop deodorant on and all the other things.

'Getting on quite well'...

Read that...then say it out loud...then read ALL THE CRAPPY THINGS that you've said about him and ask yourself if 'getting on QUITE WELL' more than makes up for all that crap 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Fuck my life...I sometimes think I've entered into some kind of parallel universe when I read posts on here 😩

He said he wanted to but she didn’t. His ex wife was very needy but I found out that all changed after they split up. He claimed they’d never had sex but she had a baby with her next husband! He claims to have had feelings for me all the time during his other relationships even to the point of discussing it with a counsellor

I bet you anything that all of this is HIS made up bullshit. These men trot out the same old shit, how are you not seeing that?? Especially the whiny shit about "my wife never had sex with me" line - funny how they all say that.

Sounds like he just wants someone to give him a roof over his head, sex, and cook for him. Nowhere have you said anything that hints that he truly cares for you - all his actions are about him, words are cheap op.

Run

Red flags galore and so many hints of abusive behaviour to come.

Read my posts-I find mumsnet ridiculously sexist at times and try to balance in favour of men, but on this occasion I'm surprised there hasn't been more vociferous objections.

dump him and don't look back. For your sake and your daughters

Throw this one back

Sounds like a selfish spendthrift

Actually I need to lose weight , could I have him for about 3 months ?

You have listed multiple concerns about his previous relationships and his current life style that paint a picture that leave you with concerns.

That’s enough. That’s your intuition / gut screaming at you - but your head is telling it to shut up.

You don’t need to investigate and understand the background of his previous relationships or current life choices - you just need to know to trust your gut that this is “off”. It’s like a smoke detector / fire alarm telling you your house is on fire …. you don’t need to spend time finding out if it started in the basement or the loft - you just need to run and get out.

Any gut feeling of confusion / unsettled - means stop, withdraw, reconsider with more perspective and 99/100 it’s a “No”

Haven’t even started on the intimate / relationship issues he has displayed with you so far ….

Where is your self worth? Why are you ignoring your own discomfort?

Apart from everything else you have said, slagging off an ex is a huge red flag.

Stingy, smells, doesn’t compliment you and is bad in bed. Um, what the fuck are you thinking? Dump him.

He sounds a right catch!

Has he got a brother.......