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Original poster

New relationship - confused….

100 replies

Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 08:55

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. Not a stranger - knew him about 15years ago but have had very little contact since. We did have a bit of a fling back then but it didn’t work out (both of us with other people - very bad I know and I’d never do that again as I still feel ashamed)
Our lives moved on I go remarried and had my dd who is now 14. He didn’t have children and had relationships with older women (10 and 20 years older) but never lived with them despite the last relationship being for 12 years. He said he wanted to but she didn’t. His ex wife was very needy but I found out that all changed after they split up. He claimed they’d never had sex but she had a baby with her next husband! He claims to have had feelings for me all the time during his other relationships even to the point of discussing it with a counsellor.
Anyway we get on well mostly but there are lots of strange things. First time we went out for dinner I made lots of effort with my outfit, hair, etc - no compliment from him and he even made a comment about cutting back on eating out because of the cost! He only wanted one course - I said I’d normally have 2.
Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.
He also seemed to have a bo issue and when I told him turns out he never wore deodorant. I cannot believe his last girlfriend could have put up with that!
He doesn’t remember if I have something going on , eg had a few appointments recently and he when I told him about something I might have counselling/ or tablets for he said I didn’t need either - just him around 😳
He also told me he loved me as he was driving off one day - I didn’t react and haven’t mentioned it since.
I enjoy cooking and love food and he made a comment a couple of weeks ago because in one day I’d been out for breakfast and then had dinner in the evening. I have no idea why that’s strange. He doesn’t seem to eat much so maybe that’s why.
He also lives like he’s quite poor but had a well paid job until recently. He says he left work to help his elderly father move house. Kind of him but seems quite over the top to leave work for it.
Anyway I’d just be interested in people’s thoughts on this . Maybe I’m thinking too much into everything.

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 03/10/2021 14:43

He should be trying to impress you and be going to a lot of effort, just like you did when you went out for dinner.
Instead he can’t remember basic things about you and makes no effort in bed.

I would end it. Things will only get worse

TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 14:50

@Rainbowqueeen

He should be trying to impress you and be going to a lot of effort, just like you did when you went out for dinner. Instead he can’t remember basic things about you and makes no effort in bed. I would end it. Things will only get worse
No he shouldn't. It's not a talent show. He should be doing the same as the rest of us should: Being himself.

Otherwise OP might not realise for longer that he's really not right for her. and be in for a shock once she's got more committed to this 'effort making' man, and he stops 'trying'.

AttaGirrrrl · 03/10/2021 15:22

@Marjoriedrawers - I think you might need to increase your expectations too. There is no biological fact that means men shouldn’t make an effort in bed.

Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 15:32

[quote AttaGirrrrl]@Marjoriedrawers - I think you might need to increase your expectations too. There is no biological fact that means men shouldn’t make an effort in bed.[/quote]
Try rating your reading skills rather than abusing people. She said he does nothing AFTERWARDS.

Learningtobeafeministagain · 03/10/2021 15:37

@pinkyredrose

Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.

Doesn't sound good to me, sounds pretty fucking awful. I'd dump him for that alone.

Exactly -rephrase this -he focusses on himself -once he's turned on he gets on with it, until he is satisfied, and then he stops.

He seeks his own pleasure, not sex -with you and making that pleasurable for all parties involved.

AttaGirrrrl · 03/10/2021 20:52

I wasn’t abusing you @Marjoriedrawers and I can read perfectly well. He does nothing for her after HE has finished. I set my expectations higher than that and I think you and the OP should too, but if you’re happy, then

Justcallmebebes · 04/10/2021 08:39

He sounds like he has few redeeming qualities and I can't get over him leaving his job to help his dad move house. Who does that? All sounds very, very odd

solarsky · 04/10/2021 09:56

Sounds like a loser to me, quitting his job, he lives poor, it's so off putting when men can't look after themselves, what would he ever bring in a long term relationship if you were to live together, you looking after him and paying for him when it quits his job.
That aside he can't basically give you affection and compliments, he seems self centred, not the one for a long term relationship.

fumfspos · 04/10/2021 10:05

There's just so much wrong with this whole thing.
This stuck out for me:
eg had a few appointments recently and he when I told him about something I might have counselling/ or tablets for he said I didn’t need either - just him around
So he knows better than medical professionals? He wants to cast himself as rescuer or he doesn't want whatever issue it is which you have to be resolved, possibly making you more dependent on him.
I'd get rid of him for that to be honest - it's just a really weird thing to say.

And on top of that:
1.he smells
2.doesn't compliment you
3.has a different outlook on finances to you (eg. not wanting to waste money on eating out while you see that as part of your life to enjoy)
4.comments on you eating out twice in one day which has nothing to do with him because you can do what you like in your free time and with your money
5.dodgy relationship history
6.doesn't seem to be sexually compatible with you
7.gave up his job for a dubious reason (helping his father to move house - why couldn't he have used annual leave for this instead of quitting job?)

You can do way better than this.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 04/10/2021 12:15

@Justcallmebebes thanks. Leaving the job wasn’t just about helping his father, after years in the same career, he wanted to try something else.

OP posts:
fumfspos · 04/10/2021 15:21

Leaving the job wasn’t just about helping his father, after years in the same career, he wanted to try something else

So is he working again now in the new thing he wanted to try?

Original poster
Oneday975 · 04/10/2021 15:34

@fumfspos yes, that’s right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneday975 · 05/10/2021 00:15

.

OP posts:
RantyAunty · 05/10/2021 02:49

I'm not sure what you're wanting people to say here?

tankcrossing · 05/10/2021 05:11

A grown man should not need telling to use deodorant. Sounds like he doesn’t like to waste money on anything, not even toiletries.

Also, did he leave his job just before you got together? I’m guessing it was probably a lot sooner than he is letting on.

TheWestIsTheBest · 05/10/2021 05:30

What on earth do you see in him? Honestly, you need to raise your standards (unless you too are smelly, jobless and awful in bed?) I'm quite sure you aren't, and can do a lot better than this stinky loser.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 05/10/2021 07:07

@tankcrossing I know, I just can’t get my head around the deodorant thing. He left his job about 18 months ago an has been doing the new part time for 6 months.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/10/2021 07:21

Ok so what are you going to do OP? What's the plan?

layladomino · 05/10/2021 07:23

I really hope you soon realise you deserve better than this man.

You seem to blame his ex's for him not wearing deoderant - no grown adult should need telling about that.
You say sex is good but no foreplay and nothing after he's finished. It sounds pretty dire, not at all good. (Yes often men feel tired after they have finished, but IME that doesn't stop a decent one still continuing with other stuff until you have / and if he's so tired after, then he should be making sure you're satisfied before he's finished. Just basic common sense.)
He's mean with money. Happy to comment on your decision re what you eat etc. And he very likely lies (the ex criticisms and leaving his job to help his dad move house are warning signs).
Finally, not interested in your life / health - and thinks you don't need tablets just wonderful him in your life!

He really sounds awful.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 05/10/2021 09:42

Thanks I really know what I should do but he does also have some good points. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, especially after only a couple of months though 😞

OP posts:
Whatabambam · 05/10/2021 10:02

He sounds like a bit of a tool to be honest. Something doesn't sit right because it's not right. Listen to your instincts, they are there for a reason and ignoring them is dangerous.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 05/10/2021 12:42

I guess I must feel more for him than I thought as the thought of never seeing him again is really sad.

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 05/10/2021 13:23

Everything you write about this guy - & I feel you have written about him before? - is contradictory.

Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.
So ... the sex is rubbish then, isn't it?

Just like 'he earns well but lives poorly'.
Or his weird & worrying response to "I need counselling/medication' - he wants to block you getting any help, because HE should be enough for you?

What is causing you to set your bar so low?
What it it about this jobless, smelly, uncomplimentary, selfish-in-bed, food-controlling tightwad that you find attractive?

He sounds fucking awful OP. And a mindgame player too.
I think you should dump him, get your counselling & meds if you need them, & spend a good few months just working on yourself, & why on earth you would accept this loser in your life at all - let alone FFS as a boyfriend. He's ghastly!

ChargingBuck · 05/10/2021 13:28

and biggest how his ex wife did so much better after they split up.

Yup.
And so will you OP, so will you ...

ChargingBuck · 05/10/2021 13:33

@Oneday975

I guess I must feel more for him than I thought as the thought of never seeing him again is really sad.
Is it though?

Or is it the thought of not having a boyfriend in your life that makes you sad?

I really feel that is one of the most important questions you should be discussing with a counsellor right now.
You seem ready to tolerate an awful lot of really sub-par behaviour, just to tell yourself you have a b/f ...