[quote Oneday975]@baileys6904 thanks. I think I know which are the red flags and hints of abusive behaviour to come. Can you ask you and others which you think are the signs of potential abuse too?[/quote]
I think the most important thing is to pay attention to how you feel. Abuse feels bad. Even if you're conditioned to put up with it, it still feels bad. That's why cognitive dissonance is a feature of being an abuse victim. There is a list of red flag behaviours, yes (violence, insults, gaslighting), but it's dangerous to class it as conclusive.
As an example of why: A friend of mine was sexually abused as a child. Her abuser would pat her on the knee, in full view of others, to let her know it was 'time to go upstairs'. The pat on the knee was completely innocent looking. My friend, later in life, dated a lovely bloke, who, without knowing this, patted her on the knee. She asked him not to, but didn't want to go into detail about why. He said 'But it's nice to touch someone on the knee! I'm only being affectionate.' and he kept doing it. She left him for it, and so she should.
The point I'm making is that touching someone's knee isn't abusive, but in this instance, it was a sign that he was comfortable with over riding her boundaries. She responded to the fact that it didn't feel right to her, rather than looking at 'the red flag list', which wouldn't have flagged anything up for her.
Respond to things that don't feel right by telling the other person that what they did didn't feel right. If they don't respond with 'I'm sorry, I won't do that again if it bothers you', then create distance, because continuing with that behaviour is higher on their priority list than you feeling ok.