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Original poster

New relationship - confused….

100 replies

Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 08:55

I started seeing someone a couple of months ago. Not a stranger - knew him about 15years ago but have had very little contact since. We did have a bit of a fling back then but it didn’t work out (both of us with other people - very bad I know and I’d never do that again as I still feel ashamed)
Our lives moved on I go remarried and had my dd who is now 14. He didn’t have children and had relationships with older women (10 and 20 years older) but never lived with them despite the last relationship being for 12 years. He said he wanted to but she didn’t. His ex wife was very needy but I found out that all changed after they split up. He claimed they’d never had sex but she had a baby with her next husband! He claims to have had feelings for me all the time during his other relationships even to the point of discussing it with a counsellor.
Anyway we get on well mostly but there are lots of strange things. First time we went out for dinner I made lots of effort with my outfit, hair, etc - no compliment from him and he even made a comment about cutting back on eating out because of the cost! He only wanted one course - I said I’d normally have 2.
Sex is good except he doesn’t do anything once he’s finished and sometimes virtually no foreplay.
He also seemed to have a bo issue and when I told him turns out he never wore deodorant. I cannot believe his last girlfriend could have put up with that!
He doesn’t remember if I have something going on , eg had a few appointments recently and he when I told him about something I might have counselling/ or tablets for he said I didn’t need either - just him around 😳
He also told me he loved me as he was driving off one day - I didn’t react and haven’t mentioned it since.
I enjoy cooking and love food and he made a comment a couple of weeks ago because in one day I’d been out for breakfast and then had dinner in the evening. I have no idea why that’s strange. He doesn’t seem to eat much so maybe that’s why.
He also lives like he’s quite poor but had a well paid job until recently. He says he left work to help his elderly father move house. Kind of him but seems quite over the top to leave work for it.
Anyway I’d just be interested in people’s thoughts on this . Maybe I’m thinking too much into everything.

OP posts:
GummyBearWhere · 03/10/2021 09:45

He sounds icky. The whole relationship sounds icky tbh.

Moretodo · 03/10/2021 09:55

He is looking for a mother. I expect he parentified the exes.

You have already had to teach him to put deodorant on.
You'll be feeling really responsible and unable to break up soon.

Honestly, get out.

DressBitch · 03/10/2021 09:58

Raise your bar, OP.

HalzTangz · 03/10/2021 10:00

[quote Oneday975]@palavah because we do still actually get on well. Just something doesn’t feel quite right.[/quote]
He is selfish. He wants one course so you must have one course.

He is controlling, you require counselling or medication he says no.

He's a liar, he said left his job to move his father, more likely he was sacked. No one leaves a job for something that only requires a day or two annual leave.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 10:08

@Oneday975 it dues come across like that. Though his father does need to be taken to hospital appointments 100 miles away quite regularly so it’s not quite as simple as it sounds.

OP posts:
Jurassicparkinajug · 03/10/2021 10:10

I've never been with a man who bothers to do anything else after sex and after he's finished. When I was 30 I realised I had to tell them and have since shown men what I like. Thats worked for me. No more crap sex.
Having said that this man sounds like a tight arse who doesn't make an effort. Do you think he makes an effort in other ways you've ot described? Listen to your gut feelings though OP, they're nearly always right.

AttaGirrrrl · 03/10/2021 10:12

You’ve posted about him before. You’re obviously not happy in this relationship. Why are you so keen to cling on to it? Run!

Kuachui · 03/10/2021 10:16

Not sure why your clinging on after such little time. It obviously isn't working, 1 or 2 things wrong I could maybe look past but this guy has got wrong written all over him.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 10:33

@Jurassicparkinajug he dies make an effort on some other ways. He’s happy to drive as I’m not always keen, he accepts my dd comes first a s I have limited time to see him. The next to time we went out for food he was going to have a starter because of what I said before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 11:05

@YouJustDoYou You’re right - he’s absolutely full of words

OP posts:
millerpie · 03/10/2021 11:10

Red flags everywhere. Get rid and raise your bar.

Butterfly44 · 03/10/2021 11:26

You didn't reply to the I love you comment, you're on here posting. Time to end and move on I think! Not the one for you

vampirethriller · 03/10/2021 11:29

I get on quite well with my next door neighbour. I'd need a lot more than that for someone I actually went to bed with.

Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 11:30

To be fair I think you'd be lucky to find a man that does anything immediately after sex because a lot of that is biological. Most men will feel sleepy and unable to do much after ejaculation because it releases chemicals in the body that cause deep relaxation.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 11:39

@Marjoriedrawers he doesn’t ajwats do much before either!
Tbh that’s not the biggest issue - he’s quite inexperienced ( ie only a few partners) Its the other things I find more strange - food, deodorant, money, no compliments about anything (not just appearance), and biggest how his ex wife did so much better after they split up.

OP posts:
Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 11:43

I wonder how much of that seems from his upbringing? Were his parents particularly complimentary toward him growing up? Did they educate him about personal hygiene?

pinkyredrose · 03/10/2021 12:37

Most men will feel sleepy and unable to do much after ejaculation because it releases chemicals in the body that cause deep relaxation.

That's no excuse for being a lazy lover.

TimeToDateAgain · 03/10/2021 12:44

OP - from a cold read it sounds like he's lying to you about a number of parts of his life (the standout one is about giving up his job to help his father move, I'd be genuinely astonished if that were true).

It's up to you whether it's worth unpicking the lies without his active collaboration.

Original poster
Oneday975 · 03/10/2021 14:03

@TimeToDateAgain hmm yes it does sound implausible about the job. He said he wanted to do something different anyway so it was also a good time to leave. He’s now very part time found something different

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/10/2021 14:08

Why are your standards so, so low? You would really want this weirdo to be a part of your child's life? FGS, listen to your instincts.

CrumpetStrumpet · 03/10/2021 14:08

In the nicest possible way, what on earth are you doing giving this man the time of day?

He smells, he's stingy, he's crap in bed. Why do you think this is all you are worth? He doesn't even deserve a thread on here. Just get rid!

CrumpetStrumpet · 03/10/2021 14:09

And he doesn't even work FT? Please dump this laser.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 03/10/2021 14:13

OP you have a 14 year old daughter.

Is this bloke someone you think is going to enrich her life as an adult in it? He isn't even enriching yours!

Is this a relationship you want to model to her as happy and healthy? It's neither.

It doesn't sound like you realise how rubbish a partner he is. You're not getting anywhere near enough out of this relationship for it to be worth continuing.

Onwards and upwards!

Marjoriedrawers · 03/10/2021 14:21

@pinkyredrose

Most men will feel sleepy and unable to do much after ejaculation because it releases chemicals in the body that cause deep relaxation.

That's no excuse for being a lazy lover.

But it is a biological fact.
TheFoundations · 03/10/2021 14:35

[quote Oneday975]@palavah because we do still actually get on well. Just something doesn’t feel quite right.[/quote]
The end.

If a relationship doesn't feel right after a couple of months, leave it.

No further complication needed about whys. It really doesn't matter why.