Let's befriend other women please

[Neveratruerfriend]

I've noticed there are a lot of recent threads about friendships, or lack of them, or feeling excluded from groups. I've also started several threads about these too.

So can I make a plea to those of you who have no worries about your own friendship dynamics, to reach out to those of us that are often in anxiety knots, especially in social situations? Some of my suggestions are:

If you are having a conversation as a small group and someone is hovering on the edges but clearly is not part of the conversation, could you lead them in? Eg here is my friend X, she's also a keen runner (or share 1 relevant fact about X so she can join in). Often I've seen groups turn their back on some poor soul (often it's been me) and it is absolutley excruciating

Similarly at a networking event, if you see someone sitting on their own, it may really make their day if you stopped and had a chat with them - why do most people find this so hard to do?

If at a big party in a restaurant, where the table forms 2 lines. If 3 of you are having a chat, please avoid turning your back on the person on the other side of you as you are completely excluding them from being able to contribute to the conversation (and then that person is left looking like billy no mates).

Also on your whatsapp groups, maybe check what is going on. For example find out who is in the group? Who is doing most of the talking or getting most responses? Who is possibly being left out, ignored or excluded?

So what I'm asking is for the socially confident people (social butterflies etc) to please hone up their empathy skills and observe when someone may need just a little help to feel included.

I know some may argue it's tough, these wallflowers need to look after themselves and make more of an effort to join in. But how do you know that they're not willing, or even trying? But when I sit there and I'm the one that's presented with someone's back to me, it's kind of awkward to interrupt?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

… and nothing on this thread has dissuaded me that choosing to develop ones own resilience is vastly more likely to yield results than shaking ones fist at the sky wishing the world were different.

But yes, carry on saying it’s too hard! I can’t develop resilience! Five years ago I had to learn to do public speaking for my job. I couldn’t even speak in a small meeting without feeling sick. All the training and mentoring I was lucky enough to receive at work said the same - you need to practice, put yourself out there, expose yourself to risk. It’s the same advice I give my children whilst encouraging them and comforting them when things don’t go their way. It’s not good enough to say developing resilience is too hard. It’s a life skill and we all need to find gentle ways to push ourselves out of our comfort zones so we grow as people. I’m not an extrovert - I’m an introvert. But I firmly believe in order to grow and develop this “it’s too hard!” mantra leads to stagnancy and is infantilising.

I don't disagree, but I'm not sure where you're getting the view that anyone on this thread is shaking their fist at the sky, and I haven't noticed anyone saying it's too hard to develop resilience.

Like you I'm an introvert and have had to push myself and put myself out there; I've done things in both my professional and personal lives that have required me to be high-profile and appear confident even though I've sometimes been quaking inside. But I still don't see that developing personal resilience, and thinking life would be easier if others were friendlier, are mutually exclusive concepts.

Gosh, @Spindrifting - we have had similar experiences, and your words are very wise re trying to strike up friendships with people who are too dissimilar.

My dm’s refrain was “never push yourself forward” and “always put others first”. Laudable in a way, but I realised rather late in life that that is rather an invitation to a lot of people to wipe their feet all over you. I definitely think dh’s family mistook my extreme politeness for mousiness. And first impressions never fade….

Please don’t try and involve me in conversations at social events as per the OP.

Strangers talking to me will make me feel faint then I’ll have to leave.

@DottyHarmer

Gosh, *@Spindrifting* - we have had similar experiences, and your words are very wise re trying to strike up friendships with people who are too dissimilar.

My dm’s refrain was “never push yourself forward” and “always put others first”. Laudable in a way, but I realised rather late in life that that is rather an invitation to a lot of people to wipe their feet all over you. I definitely think dh’s family mistook my extreme politeness for mousiness. And first impressions never fade….

Our mothers would get on! Mine thinks the worst thing you can possibly be is 'full of yourself', especially if you're female. I honestly think that if I said, 'Mum, what would be worse -- being a serial killer or being full of yourself and female?' she'd have to think it over.

I should say that I've lived in lots of different countries, and in several different parts of the UK, throughout my adult life, and I've actually never had a similar experience anywhere else, but my memories of how utterly miserable it was to be with a small baby in a new part of the country where none of my social overtures (and over the years, I think I tried literally everything that's generally recommended on here as a method of integration -- volunteering, getting involved in village and school events, joining things, having DS join things, supporting village enterprises, attempting to join a book group, which, despite having just advertised itself as looking for new members in the parish newsletter, suddenly decided it was full!) made the slightest difference.

It makes me very strongly aware that sometimes, it's not you, sometimes it's a mismatch between you and the place you happen to be living in.

@DottyHarmer

Gosh, *@Spindrifting* - we have had similar experiences, and your words are very wise re trying to strike up friendships with people who are too dissimilar.

My dm’s refrain was “never push yourself forward” and “always put others first”. Laudable in a way, but I realised rather late in life that that is rather an invitation to a lot of people to wipe their feet all over you. I definitely think dh’s family mistook my extreme politeness for mousiness. And first impressions never fade….

Gosh, I could have written the second paragraph myself (other favourite homilies of my mum's were 'always wait to be asked/told', 'always be cheerful and smiling' and 'don't alienate people' ... you get the general picture laughs wryly). My whole adult life sometimes feels like it's been a struggle to undo that conditioning.