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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So this just happened..

85 replies

SleepyHead4 · 29/09/2021 13:59

My OH has been off with me for a few weeks. I kept asking if everything was OK only to be met with everything is fine, I'm fine. So I leave it at that.

He phones me this morning.. Ive had enough, I'm thinking about calling it a day. Me and you, its hard work. So I ask why. His response was, you're too clingy and needy. You don't leave me alone for 5 minutes always wanting kisses and cuddles.
I will say this, yes I like kisses and cuddles but its not constant in the way he says. This is how we've always been, just recently it seems to bug him.

We had a good weekend, I say this to him. He says he was putting on a show because his kids were here. He's not been happy for a long time. This is the same guy who asked me to marry him 2 months ago. And the same guy who always wants me with him for reasons only he knows. Is that not him being clingy and needy?

I suggest going to stay with a friend for a few days have a bit of breathing space but he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to end our relationship either so he says. He just wants me to chill with the cuddles.

All this over a phonecall then 5 minutes later by text.. I love you sooooo much and about 16 hearts.
Mixed messages or what?

I did want to leave after that phonecall, to walk away and never look back. We've spoken since and he doesn't want to lose me, his words, he loves me to bits.

Talk about playing with a girls feelings. My heads a fucking shed now. Basically from that conversation I got, chill out or I'll end it.

He doesn't tell me what's bothering him when it actually happens, he let's things build and build until he blows up. All I've ever done is love this man.

OP posts:
grapewine · 29/09/2021 14:03

So he wants you to walk on eggshells and always wonder if you're acting "right"? Fuck that. I'd definitely not marry him. In fact, I'd walk. He's testing you, and how much he can get away with it.

NotTheMrMenAgain · 29/09/2021 14:04

He's messing with your head OP - sounds like he's doing it deliberately, perhaps he enjoys the mind games? Well, you don't enjoy it and don't deserve it, so I suggest you walk away. Walk far, far away - perhaps you'll meet a nice, normal man who'll adore you and not mess you around.

summersolstice43 · 29/09/2021 14:13

Can you live without the cuddles and closeness? I know I couldn't, to me its part of the relationship. Sounds like he's messing with your mind big style and doesn't know what he truly wants.

Not happy for a long time, putting on a show for his kids then loves you so much and doesn't want to break up, all sound confusing to me, relationships shouldn't be like that.

NewlySingle2021 · 29/09/2021 14:15

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

My soon to be ex husband did and does this a lot. Constant mind games, hot and cold. One day loves cuddles, the next day is like made of stone. I want to break up, oh no I don't, I just need X Y or X to change. On and on. If I ever asked for something to change, it was like the end of the world. Yet he demanded so much of me to adapt and act like it was no big deal. It sounds like a test, like he's pushing you to see what you'll accept. I would urge you to think about if this pattern is something you could accept if you do continue the relationship. In my experience once it's happened one time, there'll be more down the road.

HollowTalk · 29/09/2021 14:16

No. He's a complete head fuck. He's gaslighting you, moody, trying to control your behaviour and deliberately giving you mixed messages. You'd be crazy to marry him.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 29/09/2021 14:18

Are you sure the following texts were for you op?

billy1966 · 29/09/2021 14:22

He is messing with your head and making a complete fool of you.

I would suspect he is also on the look out for someone else.

You would be a very silly woman to depend on him.

It's only a matter of time before he dumps you or does the dirt on you.

Either way he's a loser.

He's shown you who he is, believe him.

Don't pay any attention to his words, he's a bullshitter.

Move on, you are wasting your time with him.
Flowers

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 14:23

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Are you sure the following texts were for you op?
This.

Either that or he is a psychopath/narcissist or similar who is messing with your head. Which is surprisingly common unfortunately.

Either way op, don't walk, ruuuuun!
He is either a bastard who is rewriting history to make you into the baddy so that he can say he had the right to cheat on you because you were 'nuts'. Or he is a disordered nut job who means you serious psychological harm in order to keep you under control. And because he enjoys toying with you.

FinallyHere · 29/09/2021 14:27

Absolutely. I know it will be hard for you to hear but he id really doing a number on you. Blowing hot and cold, so you start to change your behaviour to avoid his reactions. He is testing your boundaries, seeing what you will put up with. Then he's all hearts and flowers to feel you back in

That's no way to live.

You deserve so.much.better. Good luck.

MintMatchmaker · 29/09/2021 14:28

I’m not a very huggy person so I would find it difficult if somebody wanted a lot of physical affection I would find it irritating.

The way he has communicated it though is very wrong and controlling. How long have you been together? If it’s long term and this is a change in his behaviour then I would be concerned about his desire to be in the relationship.

MrsRobbieHart · 29/09/2021 14:29

Is this the guy who didn’t want kisses and cuddles in the swimming pool?

monarchoftheglen · 29/09/2021 14:30

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Are you sure the following texts were for you op?
This ^
Crikeyalmighty · 29/09/2021 14:32

I wondered if the texts were for you too OP, straight after having a ‘think I might end it’ conversation.

Outbutnotoutout · 29/09/2021 14:33

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Are you sure the following texts were for you op?
This....

He has his head turned so he doesn't want you, but won't let you go until he has seen what's it's like elsewhere.

How long have you been together?

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 14:35

All this over a phonecall then 5 minutes later by text.. I love you sooooo much and about 16 hearts.
Mixed messages or what?

He's grooming you to accept whatever shit he lashes out with, & stay subservient to whatever arbitrary nonsense he feels like dishing out to you.

He's telling you that only his feelings matter, & that he wants you to stay in your lane. He will tell you where that lane is, & when he changes it without warning, it will be your fault for not anticipating his whims.

He is playing mindgames for fun, for power, for control.

Take back control, dump his sorry arse, & leave him to his fuckwittery.

Nousernameforme · 29/09/2021 14:35

My first thought was he is fancying someone else, I think he has done this so if it goes anywhere with the new person he can tell himself and the ow that your relationship was over bar the fine print and not feel guilty.
Honestly just end it, save yourself the mind games and having to do the pick me dance.

ChargingBuck · 29/09/2021 14:36

@NewlySingle2021

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

My soon to be ex husband did and does this a lot. Constant mind games, hot and cold. One day loves cuddles, the next day is like made of stone. I want to break up, oh no I don't, I just need X Y or X to change. On and on. If I ever asked for something to change, it was like the end of the world. Yet he demanded so much of me to adapt and act like it was no big deal. It sounds like a test, like he's pushing you to see what you'll accept. I would urge you to think about if this pattern is something you could accept if you do continue the relationship. In my experience once it's happened one time, there'll be more down the road.

Read this again & again OP.

& then this -
www.oomm.live/the-shark-cage-metaphor-spotting-potential-abusers/

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 29/09/2021 14:36

I'm wondering if you got the I love 💘you text by mistake?
In any case, he sounds like a tit, I'd end it anyway.

Feelslikealot · 29/09/2021 14:37

Sounds like he's having an affair.

Orangejuicemarathoner · 29/09/2021 14:38

It seems fairly clear to me - he doesn't want to end it: but he doesn't want to be cuddled all the time

Either you are ok with that or you are not, its up to you

Pinkbonbon · 29/09/2021 14:38

I'd just reply 'you're right, this relationship isn't working. I will post your stuff to you recorded delivery/have a friend drop it round. Don't contact me again, there is nothing further to discuss'

Then just block the bastard on everything.
Don't give him anything he can use to draw you into an argument. Don't answer your door to him.

Anything he says will just be poison.

Original poster
SleepyHead4 · 29/09/2021 14:46

I did ask him if that text was meant for me he said of course it was.
Hes not cheating, we're together 24/7 his choice. We met at work. We still work at the same place.
When he's on his phone it's only to his ex about his kids he will show me the messages.
I just think he's got used to me now and he's getting bored of me. He keeps saying something about me cheating too, ive never cheated in any relationship. He has. I get a lot of attention from blokes, all unwanted and I always point out that I'm with someone. I can say till I'm blue in the face that I wouldn't ever do it but he doesn't believe me.

Anyway, I feel like shit. I've not eaten a thing all day, my heads banging and I don't want to see him when he comes home either. I want him to leave me alone for a couple of days. As much as I love him, and I do, I was happy until the chat this morning. It just came out of nowhere apart from him being quiet the last few days

OP posts:
EmmalineC · 29/09/2021 14:46

Text back and say I hear what you are saying and it's time to end it.

There are men in this world who won't try and make you feel confused and unhappy. Go and find one. This loser doesn't deserve you.

Callixte · 29/09/2021 14:46

This is very weird. A sane, sincere person would start with "something's bothering me ... can we dial back the hugs?" or whatever, and go from there. You don't start with "I might want to break up" unless you ... want to break up. Also, breakup or cuddles rationing discussion, do it in person, not over the phone or text, unless it's an LDR. But then, your suggestion that he stay with a friend made me think you live togehter, which makes the phone call even stranger.

I'd reply to the text saying "did you mean to send this to me?"

TintinIsBack · 29/09/2021 14:52

and I don't want to see him when he comes home either. I want him to leave me alone for a couple of days.

In that case, tell him. Tell him exactly that and take a few days away (is there some family you can stay with?)

You’re not mentioning children, but if you have, I’d also leave them with him. After all, as their father, I’m sure he can cope.

Btw, the ‘i think you are cheating’ is him projecting and being unable to cope with the idea that actually you could find someone wo too many issues if you wanted.