So this just happened..

[SleepyHead4]

My OH has been off with me for a few weeks. I kept asking if everything was OK only to be met with everything is fine, I'm fine. So I leave it at that.

He phones me this morning.. Ive had enough, I'm thinking about calling it a day. Me and you, its hard work. So I ask why. His response was, you're too clingy and needy. You don't leave me alone for 5 minutes always wanting kisses and cuddles.
I will say this, yes I like kisses and cuddles but its not constant in the way he says. This is how we've always been, just recently it seems to bug him.

We had a good weekend, I say this to him. He says he was putting on a show because his kids were here. He's not been happy for a long time. This is the same guy who asked me to marry him 2 months ago. And the same guy who always wants me with him for reasons only he knows. Is that not him being clingy and needy?

I suggest going to stay with a friend for a few days have a bit of breathing space but he doesn't want that. He doesn't want to end our relationship either so he says. He just wants me to chill with the cuddles.

All this over a phonecall then 5 minutes later by text.. I love you sooooo much and about 16 hearts.
Mixed messages or what?

I did want to leave after that phonecall, to walk away and never look back. We've spoken since and he doesn't want to lose me, his words, he loves me to bits.

Talk about playing with a girls feelings. My heads a fucking shed now. Basically from that conversation I got, chill out or I'll end it.

He doesn't tell me what's bothering him when it actually happens, he let's things build and build until he blows up. All I've ever done is love this man.

Do NOT marry him or get pregnant.

I don’t like kisses and cuddles and hugs all the time either— but I am consistent about it and I’m not all over my H one minute and then telling him I’m not happy with him the next— his comments to you re cheating I think are total projection

So he's been married before op, has children, has form for cheating, I'm presuming he is older than you and currently 'punching above his weight'.

He sounds self entitled yet insecure and he is projecting his insecurities on to you.
Really this man is going to slowly sap any confidence you have to keep you firmly in your place.

He really isn't nice or your friend, everything he is doing is self serving.

I would run, you deserve better, he knows you deserve better. He's just second hand goods who thinks he's special.

@NewlySingle2021

When someone shows you who they are believe them!

My soon to be ex husband did and does this a lot. Constant mind games, hot and cold. One day loves cuddles, the next day is like made of stone. I want to break up, oh no I don't, I just need X Y or X to change. On and on. If I ever asked for something to change, it was like the end of the world. Yet he demanded so much of me to adapt and act like it was no big deal. It sounds like a test, like he's pushing you to see what you'll accept. I would urge you to think about if this pattern is something you could accept if you do continue the relationship. In my experience once it's happened one time, there'll be more down the road.

This call it a day that’s a total head fuck it’s abuse and call it what it is

He keeps saying something about me cheating too, ive never cheated in any relationship. He has. I get a lot of attention from blokes, all unwanted and I always point out that I'm with someone. I can say till I'm blue in the face that I wouldn't ever do it but he doesn't believe me.

🚩 🚩 🚩

I’d be saying goodbye.

@ChargingBuck

All this over a phonecall then 5 minutes later by text.. I love you sooooo much and about 16 hearts. Mixed messages or what?

He's grooming you to accept whatever shit he lashes out with, & stay subservient to whatever arbitrary nonsense he feels like dishing out to you.

He's telling you that only his feelings matter, & that he wants you to stay in your lane. He will tell you where that lane is, & when he changes it without warning, it will be your fault for not anticipating his whims.

He is playing mindgames for fun, for power, for control.

Take back control, dump his sorry arse, & leave him to his fuckwittery.

This 100%

He came home last night all tearful and extremely cuddly and full of kisses.
Said he was sorry he didn't mean it, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, sending me soppy love songs said he never wants to lose me.

This morning he said you still look miserable so I say we'll, when the man I love unconditionally says what you said to me yesterday I'm not going to get 9ver it in the blink of an eye am I?

I'm considering my options now, I'm not going to have him threaten to leave me every chance he gets

So why did he say it? What had happened to make him say what he said to you?

I don't normally agree with the 'he's definitely cheating' posters but this sounds like he was trying to prove himself to the OW and she doesn't want him...

'You look miserable'. Hmm.. bet you didn't. Bet you were just playing your cards close to your chest.

But that comment was the devaluation part of the cycle beginning again. Trying to imply you have issues and pick an argument.

It's standard cycle of abuse stuff. The devaluation phonecall then the love bombing text and behaviour last night and then devaluing again now.

Also op 'love unconditionally' love should always have conditions. One of which is that they treat you with respect, kindness and another is that they don't cheat and a third us that they aren't mindfucking abusive pieces of shit.

The only person you should love unconditionally is yourself.

He keeps saying something about me cheating too, ive never cheated in any relationship. He has. I get a lot of attention from blokes, all unwanted and I always point out that I'm with someone. I can say till I'm blue in the face that I wouldn't ever do it but he doesn't believe me.

That red flag went up the pole so fast that it took the ball off the top of the pole. He will try to wrongfoot you forever by saying you're cheating, you'll spend a load of time and energy trying to prove that you aren't cheating. He knows you aren't cheating. He just wants to stress you.

"Also op 'love unconditionally' love should always have conditions. One of which is that they treat you with respect, kindness and another is that they don't cheat and a third us that they aren't mindfucking abusive pieces of shit."

This. Your reference to loving him unconditionally leapt out at me, too. Perhaps it was just a turn of phrase. But unconditional love is what we should have for our children, not other adults.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I need 100% commitment, if someone said they were thinking about breaking up with me I would do the job for them. Fuck that. Sounds like a power play, like he’s seeing how much he can get you to moderate your behaviour based on his threats to dump you. Call his bluff and find someone who adores you without trying to change you.

Men are fairly predictable with patterns of behaviour and this matches a man having an affair I’m afraid or at least, he’s found someone he would like to have an affair with. I notice he has cheated in past relationships so it’s something he is comfortable doing. I know you say you’re together 24/7 but I don’t think this is actually true for any partnership except perhaps during lockdown last year. There will always be times you’re apart and it could just be that he’s messaging someone else for now. Sorry, it doesn’t bode well.

I doubt he's cheating he leaves his phone around me and I know his password, if he was cheating wouldn't it be literally glued to him where ever he goes?
I really don't think it's anything like that. We work and live together the only time we're apart is on the run to and from work but we're generally on the phone anyway.

Weekends he wants me with him and I generally am. We do nothing separately.
The texts and phonecalls yesterday was because I'd booked a day off work for a hospital appointment.

It sounds like you could maybe both do with separating your lives abit and do a things not together all the time.

Condependency springs to mind here.

He's playing with your emotions and that's not right.

So your together 24/7 which he wants but then doesn't want the affection ?

So who does most of the house and donkey work op?

Does he have his dc on his own ever?

OP,

He has shown you who and what he is.

He's a head mess.

You will bitterly regret moving on from this and just carrying on like nothing has happened.

He is not a long term bet.

You are wasting your time.

Weekends he wants me with him and I generally am. We do nothing separately. The texts and phonecalls yesterday was because I'd booked a day off work for a hospital appointment.

Wow that sounds incredibly controlling. He wants you with him? What about what you want? Would you like to be able to take a day out of his sight without getting threats to break up?

He's a headwrecker, OP.

@SleepyHead4

I doubt he's cheating he leaves his phone around me and I know his password, if he was cheating wouldn't it be literally glued to him where ever he goes? I really don't think it's anything like that. We work and live together the only time we're apart is on the run to and from work but we're generally on the phone anyway.

Weekends he wants me with him and I generally am. We do nothing separately.
The texts and phonecalls yesterday was because I'd booked a day off work for a hospital appointment.

This is a really unhealthy relationship but it's possible to cheat and appear to be open with your phone.

More red flags than a communists convention
Got headfucky cause you need a hosp appt?
Blimey get rid op, even then I think your gonna have problems doing that

Your last post is far more worrying than your first one OP.

I dont know where his little out burst came from, I know he regrets saying it now he told me last night he feels awful for the things he said to me. I've not been right with him since.
I asked him what he would have done if I'd have left after what he said he said he would have talked me out of it because that's not what he wanted. Why say it then? Why hurt me in that way?
He said he just wants me to be happy, I said I was until he said that. He cried.

Oh and now he's the one being overly cuddly. He's not left me alone the last 2 nights because he's letting me know how much he loves me and he doesn't want me to leave him.

I asked him openly if he had met someone else, he swears down there is no one else, hes never loved anyone the way he loves me, why would I want anyone else, look at what I've got.

OP, you need to take stock and step back from him. He is going to get worse, this is just the beginning. The mind games have started. He said those things because he meant them. End of. This will be the pattern - he is now being Mr Nice Guy to get you to stay ( he is training you to comply), once you are back to how he wants you he will start to behave badly again, subtly at first then he will flip and do this again. My personal thoughts are he has been chatting to someone else, he may have a burner phone. Whatever happens it sounds like your relationship is quite co dependent but he likes that as he controls your every move without you realising it. I hope you are realising it now.

He sounds suffocating You’re together at work and at home
When do you do your own stuff e.g hobbies or seeing your family and friends ?

Tbh I’d move on. The question is what do you want to do ? He’s not going to change - this is who he is

He’s controlling you in a really subtle but sinister way. You say you’re together constantly and all’s good, then the one day you have apart from him, for your hospital appt, he lobs this grenade in your relationship to make you think he’s had enough. Presumably it was to keep you on your toes but now it it’s backfired and has you questioning everything so he’s started love bombing again. Seriously, ask yourself if you want to be with someone who plays emotionally damaging games and wants you in their thrall 24/7. Personally I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it.

As someone looking from the outside this is all very wrong and manipulative. He phoned you on your one day away from him to get your attention by starting an argument. Yuck. Please find a way to safely leave him.