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Original poster

inheritance and marriage

111 replies

whoisrite · 27/09/2021 19:01

my husband and I are arguing to the point we may separate as we can't agree on an issue of inheritance. I will try not to drip feed.
I met my husband when I was a single mum with a 1yr old dd. We married when she was 2.5yrs and she is 5 now. We have twins who are 3.
My husband' s parents separated when he was 16, he has a sister who is 2yrs older and a brother.His father (77)remarried. As soon as I was introduced to his family, his step mother took to my daughter. She clearly favours her over other grandchildren.She will spend time with her,
ask to take her places, buy her things etc. She has suggested that they pay for her schooling . Step MIL has no children of her own Initially dismissed it but its so blatant that no one can deny it. She is good with all the children including SlL and BlL children but clearly has a favourite. This has been on going since we came to the family and my husbands siblings have commented. I spoke to someone who is close to MIL and she said mother in law said my husband and his siblings never welcomed her to the family and only tolerate her, she always felt like an outsider hence why she prefers my dd as she is also an outsider. Not sure what to think about this.
Recently there was a family discussion about inheritance , my FIL would like to leave money to his wife and children. My mother in law then said she would only have one person in her will unless she dies before her husband. As you can imagine this has caused resentment in the family. My husband and siblings are angry as they say it's unfair on everyone else . My husband says I should refuse the inheritance on behalf of dd as its unfair on everyone else. He is so angry that he is threatening to rewrite his will. I am apathetic to it all as its nothing to do with me. I have said if he changes his will so will l. Please give me some wise advice.

OP posts:
QueenoftheKarens · 27/09/2021 19:03

It's her money, if she wishes to give it to your DD then it's her choice.

Leah2005 · 27/09/2021 19:09

How can you refuse an inheritance which 1. hasn't yet been given as the woman concerned is still alive and 2. wouldn't be given to you anyway? Confused What does your DH expect you to do at this point?

MintJulia · 27/09/2021 19:09

Firstly, if your step MIL left money to your daughter, you can't decline it on her behalf, it's nothing to do with you. Surely your dh understands that.

Wouldn't it be easier for your FIL to specify his grand children in his will? It would solve a lot of issues.

But also, it's an absurd thing to fight about, since it's completely outside your control.

Womaninthistown · 27/09/2021 19:15

Urgh some people become so ugly when it comes to what they think is theirs. Think.

Inheritance is no one’s blooming business apart from the person in control of the estate.

I would simply say I’m not willing to discuss or argue about it anymore and stick to it. Let him sulk alone.

dontblamemee · 27/09/2021 19:19

Ok, so if FIL dies before Step MIL she will inherit all of his estate? Or will your husband and his siblings inherit their share at this point?

Original poster
whoisrite · 27/09/2021 19:23

thanks sorry I don't yet know how to quote everyone. I agree, Its nothing to do with me. I haven't influenced step MIL, she just favours dd. My husband and family do not understand this woman can chose to do what she wants. I am surprised at my husband as he has always treated my dd as one of his, now I am starting to think he sees her as an outsider and MIL may be correct. He says everyone should get a fair share as it's family money/ wealth and that his father was the main earner in the marriage. I feel like I don't know who he is anymore. He has never been someone interested in money other than what we earn, I honestly don't know what come over him. His siblings who have always been welcoming to dd are also fuming. They have a family Whatsup group and I had to quit as there were accusations, innuendos and was becoming toxic.

OP posts:
dontblamemee · 27/09/2021 19:25

We need to know what your FIL has in his will if he dies first?

Notaroadrunner · 27/09/2021 19:32

What a shower of greedy bastards. They are already squabbling about money that possibly won't be available for many years, could be eaten up in care home fees, or if step mil dies first it won't matter. I'd tell your Dh to cop the fuck on, and never to bring it up again until such a time as his father it dead and then his step mum dies. Only at that point does any of this possible scenario become a reality. And even then you cannot decline your dd's inheritance as it will be hers alone.

Before you even mentioned in your post about mil favouring your dd because she's also an 'outsider', I had it pegged. Maybe if your Dh and his siblings made more of an effort with their step mother none of this would be a problem.

Original poster
whoisrite · 27/09/2021 19:33

FIL said if he dies 50% will go to wife and 50 to kids. Honestly money brings the ugliness in people. The 3 of them are planning to have a family meeting not sure to say what . They say MIL should leave equal amounts to them or all the grandchildren. I am starting to sympathise with MIL, she doesn't really say much but sure she has been planning her revenge for years.
He keeps trying to make me understand his side, I am grey rocking but he is not getting it. He is asking me how I would fell if he left his money to a nephew? I think he is looking for an argument It's not as if the in laws are dying tomorrow or there will not enough to go round.

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 27/09/2021 19:33

I'd go as far as asking step mil to say she's changed her will and that nobody will know its contents until she's dead.

Suzi888 · 27/09/2021 19:37

@Notaroadrunner

I'd go as far as asking step mil to say she's changed her will and that nobody will know its contents until she's dead.
^ that It’s her money and her will and nothing to do with any of you how she decides to split it. It does seem a little u fair on the children if I’m being honest.
Suzi888 · 27/09/2021 19:37
  • unfair
Bananarama21 · 27/09/2021 19:38

Looks like she's using your little girl as pawn in her game, she has an agenda there was no need to disclose that information but to cause resentment within the family.

dontblamemee · 27/09/2021 20:00

Firstly your husband needs to realise this is nothing to do with you. If he has a problem with his MIL he needs to take it up with her.

If I were you I'd also suggest he asks himself why his step mum doesn't want to include him in her will and say it's time for some self reflection. Also if it comes to it he will have already had his inheritance from his father and if he's not happy with that he should take it up with FIL. (And let's hope FIL cuts all the greedy bastards out of his will)

They could put their property in trust for your husband and his siblings and or grandchildren or some such other arrangement. Perhaps they should consult a wealth management practitioner?

AliasGrape · 27/09/2021 20:14

Well I don’t agree with leaving money to one grandchild and not any of the others. I only have the one DD but if I had 3 children as tou do, and someone talked about leaving money to only one of them, I’d feel a bit aggrieved on behalf of the other two and be uncomfortable with it.

So I can understand the others being pissed off, and I do think in your shoes I’d have to say something like ‘haha don’t be silly of course the money should be fairly divided between all your grandchildren’. If my in laws told me they were going to leave everything to DD and nothing to BIL’s child for example, I’d have to reply that I appreciate it’s their money to do as they wish with but that as her parents we would much prefer things be divided equally.

That said, it is still your step MIL’s decision at the end of the day (assuming she outlives her husband) and if she’s determined to stick to her guns then that’s that and there’s nothing you can do about it and not your fault. I wonder whether she actually does plan this or is just enjoying getting the rise out of everyone by saying it.
Sounds really odd all round to be honest.

altmember · 27/09/2021 20:15

I think it's wrong to openly show favouritism to one grand child over the others, especially your other kids. Regardless of what has or hasn't happened between parents and grand parents, none of that is the grand kids fault.

goawayalcg · 27/09/2021 20:20

Your MIL is so far in the wrong for making it known that she favours one child and that the child will further be favoured in the will. I wouldn't want anything to do with someone like that. But I don't think you can deny an inheritance on on behalf of your daughter.

PufferFishGoneWrong · 27/09/2021 20:26

If I was FIL I would leave 100% to the wife.
Greedy cunts, they aren't even dead yet.

Buttons294749 · 27/09/2021 20:27

I would be very unhappy and possibly go LC with a GP who favours one of my DC and not the other. Does it not upset you that she "likes" yoir twins less? I would also be furious if someone left DD a large sum of money and not DS as it would upset the dynamic so much (e.g. DD could buy a house outright whilst DS struggled not through their own efforts).

I treat my DC equally (well unless in of them is being particularly annoying Wink) and would be so upset to see one left out

JackieChiles · 27/09/2021 20:30

@Bananarama21

Looks like she's using your little girl as pawn in her game, she has an agenda there was no need to disclose that information but to cause resentment within the family.
That’s exactly what I was thinking. If all she wants to do is leave your daughter the money she could have done that quietly without all the fuss.
mumwon · 27/09/2021 20:37

that's why I think older people should SKI no arguments about who inherits what than
just your debts
(contemplates world tour post covid Grin ok just a trip or two in Europe)

MoreStuffingMatron · 27/09/2021 20:42

Your DH is getting upset about a hypothetical situation. He can’t tell his DSM what to put in her will but she could predecease his father making all his concerns irrelevant

He needs to discuss his concerns with his father who can protect his children’s inheritance (if he is so minded) by ensuring any joint property is held as tenants in common and leaving step mum a life interest only in his half

Wherearemymarbles · 27/09/2021 20:45

If I was the fil I’d be quietly changing my will.
I can see your husbands point - why predominantly favour 1 grandchild at the expense of the other
And MIL by so obviously favouring 1 shown what a dreadful person she is

But ultimately your DH and his siblings have a father problem.

Original poster
whoisrite · 27/09/2021 20:45

thanks all , I don't know if MIL is playing games, I doubt as its obvious who her favourite is. She treats all the grandchildren well but will often spend more time, money , attention on dd. I have tried to stay neutral to the family politics. My husband told me when his father 1st met MIL the 3 children refused to meet her for a year and declined to attend the wedding (small). By the time I came in relationships were okayish and I just thought normal blended families.

I loathe to discuss the issue with MIL as it may come across as greedy like I am thinking too much about it. I said to my husband lets not fight about it as anything could happen ie all the money could be used in caring for them.

I am fed up with him looking like I have stolen something from him. I have tried explaining to him that its MIL decision not mine not dd . He has said some hurtful things like "if you leave you would have half the house and the inheritance from MIL so you're sorted." He was trying to get a reaction, I am going to ignore him until he comes to his senses.
FIL is the one who started this by mentioning his will, wish he had not. MIL might have seen her opportunity to twist the knife I don't know or maybe she just wants one person to inherit. If dd did not get anything from in laws I would be okay with that as she is not their blood (that has always been my reasoning without discussing with anyone).

OP posts:
bigbaggyeyes · 27/09/2021 20:46

So if your fil does first then 50% goes to his wife and 50% to his dc.
If mil dies first, then all her estate goes to fil?

So if mil dies first your dd gets nothing and your dh is saying if fil goes first your dd gets nothing. OR is he saying your dd will get a share in HIS will?

I hate that people get so entitled about inheritance. It's actually none of your dh's business what either his father or step mother does with their money after they die.

Tbh I'd take a step back and say to your dh and mil it's none of your business what happens around any inheritance. You can't decline in behalf of your dd