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Original poster

inheritance and marriage

111 replies

whoisrite · 27/09/2021 19:01

my husband and I are arguing to the point we may separate as we can't agree on an issue of inheritance. I will try not to drip feed.
I met my husband when I was a single mum with a 1yr old dd. We married when she was 2.5yrs and she is 5 now. We have twins who are 3.
My husband' s parents separated when he was 16, he has a sister who is 2yrs older and a brother.His father (77)remarried. As soon as I was introduced to his family, his step mother took to my daughter. She clearly favours her over other grandchildren.She will spend time with her,
ask to take her places, buy her things etc. She has suggested that they pay for her schooling . Step MIL has no children of her own Initially dismissed it but its so blatant that no one can deny it. She is good with all the children including SlL and BlL children but clearly has a favourite. This has been on going since we came to the family and my husbands siblings have commented. I spoke to someone who is close to MIL and she said mother in law said my husband and his siblings never welcomed her to the family and only tolerate her, she always felt like an outsider hence why she prefers my dd as she is also an outsider. Not sure what to think about this.
Recently there was a family discussion about inheritance , my FIL would like to leave money to his wife and children. My mother in law then said she would only have one person in her will unless she dies before her husband. As you can imagine this has caused resentment in the family. My husband and siblings are angry as they say it's unfair on everyone else . My husband says I should refuse the inheritance on behalf of dd as its unfair on everyone else. He is so angry that he is threatening to rewrite his will. I am apathetic to it all as its nothing to do with me. I have said if he changes his will so will l. Please give me some wise advice.

OP posts:
Skysblue · 27/09/2021 21:01

Wow your in laws are dumb aren’t they! I can’t stand it when people announce what’s in their will and cause a fuss when it is so EASY to make a will privately. Warning: the sort of person who does this, loves the attention, and tends to rewrite their will every couple of years…

Sorry your DH is being such a dick. All you can do is tell him this is between him and his mother and nothing to do with you. I know you’ve already said that. If he’s still rude to you after that then you have a marriage problem and I can’t help you solve that.

Is ridiculous to say you should refuse the bequest on behalf of DD I mean how would that even work, legally?

Viviennemary · 27/09/2021 21:04

Keep out of it. That would be my advice.

goawayalcg · 27/09/2021 21:35

It's the MIL who started this whole thing by telling the family she was favouring one of the grandkids. I'd be pissed off about that.

NailsNeedDoing · 27/09/2021 21:57

MIL is planning to leave her own money to the family member she is close to and gets enjoyment from.

She has no biological tie to any of these children, she doesn’t have obligation in the same way. I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to leave it to your DH and his siblings if they didn’t even want to meet her for a year, and it doesn’t sound like anyone makes any particular effort for her. Why would they expect to get an inheritance from her, either for themselves or their children, when they’re already getting one from their parent and they barely tolerate her presence?

ittakes2 · 27/09/2021 22:06

I find it really weird that she has told people this - I guess to get back at them. If this is what she has done she could have just done it and everyone would find out afterwards. She might not even have done this! Might just be winding people up!

PinotPony · 27/09/2021 22:18

Yes, it is her decision and nobody else's but it does need to be resolved while she and FIL are alive. If FIL predeceases her, the bulk of the couple's estate will go to your DD on MIL's death. It's a recipe for disaster and will almost certainly cause resentment (and potentially huge legal fees) after they're gone.

I think your DH needs to talk to his DF and MIL and ask them to carefully consider the potential implications of their estate planning. If it is likely to cause a family rift, it really needs to be addressed.

I come from a family of lawyers so we know how badly wrong it can go and we have no qualms about thrashing this stuff out.

Original poster
whoisrite · 27/09/2021 22:34

I honestly don't understand why it was even brought up but FIL is like that. I agree MIL should have kept quite but even if she had it will still cause problems. Its already causing arguments and resentment whilst they are still alive. I am just surprised at my own husband as I never so him in that light. I am beginning to feel like I have to protect my daughter as I now doubt my husband will treat her fairly. Before all I always thought all 3 children would inherit from us equally and thought we were on the same page but now I am not so sure. Maybe my daughter is an outsider. I think he is going to favour the twins over dd.

I am trying to stay out of it but husband is itching for a fight, keeps mentioning it, sending messages to his siblings and asking me if I think its fair. I am thinking of speaking to MIL but not sure what to say.

OP posts:
jackstini · 27/09/2021 22:40

I would say to him that you don't think it is fair either, but it's not your choice, or his, or your dd's

Your SMIL is either clueless or nasty in mentioning it - only she knows which

If dd does inherit she may decide to share it with her siblings anyway

Fifthtimelucky · 27/09/2021 22:40

I think what your step mother in law is proposing is unfair and personally I wouldn't want one of my three children to inherit everything and the other two nothing.

If that is what happens it is not surprising that your husband would try to redress the balance a bit.

user1481840227 · 27/09/2021 23:40

@Fifthtimelucky

I think what your step mother in law is proposing is unfair and personally I wouldn't want one of my three children to inherit everything and the other two nothing.

If that is what happens it is not surprising that your husband would try to redress the balance a bit.

Of course people might want to redress the balance, but arguing with his wife (who has nothing to do with the decision) to the point that they may separate, threatening to rewrite his own will, harassing his wife to the point where she has to grey rock him and constantly looking to start fights over it is just ridiculous and unfair.
Anotherhill · 27/09/2021 23:49

Of course your dh would be upset that the bulk of his dad’s estate is going to the only child that isn’t actually related to his dad. I can’t think of many people that wouldn’t be upset by this, especially when it’s done in such an open and spiteful way,

Paddington2 · 27/09/2021 23:57

It's blatantly unfair to favour one child over the others. The grandparents' money should be split equally. How anyone can think it's fair to gift it to one child and not the others is beyond me.

I think step-mil is shit-stirring.

altmember · 28/09/2021 00:35

In terms of the inheritance itself, I guess a significant factor is how long the fil and milnhave been together, and what each of them brought in to the marriage financially.

If they only got married in later life and the bulk of the assets came from Fil, then it's understandable that your husband and his siblings are a bit miffed that half the estate might go solely to one grand child. Mil sounds like a cantankerous old cow.

No excuse for directing his anger your way when it's nothing to do with you and you can't do anything about it.

user1481840227 · 28/09/2021 00:54

@Anotherhill

Of course your dh would be upset that the bulk of his dad’s estate is going to the only child that isn’t actually related to his dad. I can’t think of many people that wouldn’t be upset by this, especially when it’s done in such an open and spiteful way,
Upset is fine, but he's taking it all out on his wife and expecting her to sort it.
Sakurami · 28/09/2021 07:26

Your mil is being really mean. These are young kids and all belong to one family. It's not like your dd is a teen who has helped her put etc a lot, she's only 5.

It does seem like she is punishing her step children.

But none of this is your fault.

Miyiam · 28/09/2021 08:43

I think your MIL is possibly playing games. She doesn't exactly seem likeable the way she is blatantly favouring one child. The money should be left equally and to all grand children. How will your twins feel if they get less than their sister? I think it's pretty awful the whole situation I can understand your DH's feelings.

Geppili · 28/09/2021 08:55

Your MIL is manipulating you and the rest of her family. I would not trust her. She is sowing seeds of discontent and division as revenge. Horrible.

Original poster
whoisrite · 28/09/2021 09:51

Of course people might want to redress the balance, but arguing with his wife (who has nothing to do with the decision) to the point that they may separate, threatening to rewrite his own will, harassing his wife to the point where she has to grey rock him and constantly looking to start fights over it is just ridiculous and unfair.

this honestly I am now the bad guy in the story, I brought my dd who is an outsider and now she is benefiting. He keeps pushing and twisting words , I have now decided not to comment on anything he says. He just cannot see reason at the moment. His siblings are no better . He says MIL has always wanted to hurt them. If it had anything to do with me I would share equally but MIL said that was what she wanted, I don't know if she will change her mind or its just talk. My husband just wants to punish me for something I have no say in. If indeed my dd inherited the money I would hope she shares it with all the other children but that's in the future.

OP posts:
MingeofDeath · 28/09/2021 12:10

Why did DH and his siblings not want to meet SMIL or go to the wedding? Is she the OW?

goldenchildsister · 28/09/2021 12:21

You're focusing on the wrong person here. MIL has done everyone a favour and said clearly what she will do with with money.

It is FIL that your DH should be looking at, if anyone. FIL is choosing not to be certain that his DC will get full inheritance from him. That is his choice to make. There are many ways to ensure DC get inheritance without spoiling things for MIL if FIL dies first. But FIL is choosing not to take these options. He is choosing to give MIL control over what happens and she has said clearly what she will do.

If your DH and siblings want to be angry, they are looking at the wrong person. FIL has chosen not to tie this up nicely for everyone, as is his choice. But don't blame MIL.

MattyGroves · 28/09/2021 12:27

What do you do when she treats one child differently?

I would not be ok with my kids being treated differently. My parents or in laws wouldn't be seeing any of the kids if they were doing that

ILoveJamaica · 28/09/2021 12:37

Sorry, but I'm with your DH on this one. His inheritance is bypassing a generation, and going to a child that isn't even his. Of course that's going to sting.

How would you feel if your parents decided to leave everything to a child of your husband's, that was born before you even met?

Of course MIL can do her own will however she wishes, but I can see why your DH would ask you to discourage this idea.

ILoveJamaica · 28/09/2021 12:39

I am fed up with him looking like I have stolen something from him

Well, this is how he feels. Your DD stands to do very well here, which is maybe why you won't talk about it?

Original poster
whoisrite · 28/09/2021 12:49

the person I blame most is FIL, then husband for being greedy. Both in laws are still alive so there is no need to get worked up. MIL met FIL at work as far as I know after the divorce that when she came into the pic. I don't know if they were together before divorce. Husband and siblings were in their 20's .
Even if I spoke to MIL we will still not know until she passes away. It may still cause problems then. I am being painted as the bad person because I am not refusing the inheritance on behalf of daughter.
MIL treats all the grandchildren well but goes overboard with one, I have never challenged her as it's been going on for so long. Also she says she bonded with dd before the twins came along.
Its my husband who is getting me angry. We WFH and I can't bear to look at him or speak to him because of the hurtful things he said. I know I am being silly but I am now on alert when he is interacting with the children, is he showing favourites? is my daughter a real outsider? I may speak to in laws on my own but if MIL sticks to her point I will probably be accused of influencing her .

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 28/09/2021 13:03

His inheritance is bypassing a generation, and going to a child that isn't even his

No a man is leaving his wife his assets upon his death in a will, all legal and above board. That woman is then free to do what she wants with her assets upon her death.

If the DH is of the opinion that this little girl is not his family as no blood connection, how can he be so hypocritical as to demand inheritance from a woman that also has no blood connection to him? He has made it clear that SM is nothing to him, all the siblings have, they refused to meet her for a year and didn't attend the wedding so why come with hands out for her to give inheritance?