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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

inheritance and marriage

111 replies

whoisrite · 27/09/2021 19:01

my husband and I are arguing to the point we may separate as we can't agree on an issue of inheritance. I will try not to drip feed.
I met my husband when I was a single mum with a 1yr old dd. We married when she was 2.5yrs and she is 5 now. We have twins who are 3.
My husband' s parents separated when he was 16, he has a sister who is 2yrs older and a brother.His father (77)remarried. As soon as I was introduced to his family, his step mother took to my daughter. She clearly favours her over other grandchildren.She will spend time with her,
ask to take her places, buy her things etc. She has suggested that they pay for her schooling . Step MIL has no children of her own Initially dismissed it but its so blatant that no one can deny it. She is good with all the children including SlL and BlL children but clearly has a favourite. This has been on going since we came to the family and my husbands siblings have commented. I spoke to someone who is close to MIL and she said mother in law said my husband and his siblings never welcomed her to the family and only tolerate her, she always felt like an outsider hence why she prefers my dd as she is also an outsider. Not sure what to think about this.
Recently there was a family discussion about inheritance , my FIL would like to leave money to his wife and children. My mother in law then said she would only have one person in her will unless she dies before her husband. As you can imagine this has caused resentment in the family. My husband and siblings are angry as they say it's unfair on everyone else . My husband says I should refuse the inheritance on behalf of dd as its unfair on everyone else. He is so angry that he is threatening to rewrite his will. I am apathetic to it all as its nothing to do with me. I have said if he changes his will so will l. Please give me some wise advice.

OP posts:

Amiwronghere · 29/09/2021 13:24

Wow what a horrible way to treat family. I couldn’t indulge her in having
Favourites. Your poor other children!

Blueskythinking123 · 29/09/2021 13:35

Thinking of this from another perspective how would you feel if your parents decided to leave everything to one grandchild (possibly one of your siblings children). How would you honestly feel about that? I know I'd be incredibly hurt and I'd worry about the emotional impact it would have in the long term for the other grandchildren, who through no fault of theirs are being rejected.

I also agree with others that you have encouraged this behaviour by big insisting all grandchildren are treated equally. It sounds like you also favour your eldest daughter.

Blueskythinking123 · 29/09/2021 13:36

dearfanny · 29/09/2021 13:43

Ok, to clarify: FIL needs to die and leave his money to wife + off spring

Then wife needs to die in order for your daughter to get the money

FIL is 77 so could have 10+ years left?

Its way down the line in the future and also, people's wills don't always match what they tell you. So i would sweep iy all under the carpet as a big IF for now

Original poster

whoisrite · 29/09/2021 15:52

thank you all everyone makes good suggestions /advice. I don't know how I can be accused of being in the wrong, I have no power over MIL or what she decides. I said to husband if dd inherits we can ask her to share it with all the grandchildren but according to him and his siblings what stops me from taking my dd with all her inheritance blah blah. What they want is for MIL to change the will and make sure the money is fairly shared. I do not care if my dd gets nothing from the family I came from nothing. It's the way my husband is taking it that is troubling me. I am starting to see why MIL feels she was treated as an outsider. They have no respect for her. They do not value that she also contributed to the family. Husband is continuing with his innuendos , nonsensical scenarios and questions designed to catch me out. Secretly I think he resents my daughter now. If he changes his will so will I, I will leave everything to the children nothing to We do not have much besides the house and pensions anyway.
The siblings are not really losing their family wealth, FIL has said 50% to wife and 50% to his children. They are just being greedy. FIL is 77, MIL is 69. She worked and sure brought some money to the marriage. she had her own home before they married. She has her own money and her husbands/ family money.
unfortunately at the moment it looks as if its me against them. SIL (brothers in laws wife)who usually texts me has stopped texting.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 16:04

I don't know how I can be accused of being in the wrong, I have no power over MIL or what she decides

You absolutely have the power to make it clear to your MIL that showing favouritism between your children is unacceptable.

Have you not grasped how damaging this constant blatant favouritism will be for your DD’s relationship with her siblings and cousins?

MattyGroves · 29/09/2021 17:57

So you are happy for your children to be treated differently and your DH is not and somehow he is the one who doesn't see them all the same? I don't see how that makes sense and I think you would have stamped on this pretty fast if it was one of your twins being treated differently

Hont1986 · 29/09/2021 20:47

I must have read dozens of threads on MN about widowers remarrying then dying and leaving it all to the new wife, who then dies herself and leaves it all to her own kids. And the uniform response is how shit that is.

Not that far off from this, imho.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 20:51

@Hont1986

Not that far off from this, imho.

I think this is even worse - this is going to cause ongoing issues between the OP's eldest DD and her siblings. It's downright nasty.

Snookie00 · 29/09/2021 20:53

You seem to think it’s you and your dd as a unit but don’t seem to have given any thought to your other dc. I would be really unhappy if anyone was suggesting favouring one of my kids at the expense of the others but you seem to enjoy that your dd is the chosen one and annoyed that your dh isn’t supporting this.

You should consider the implications on your own family dynamic otherwise I can see some pretty fractured relationships with your twins as they get older. It’s not fair on them to be treated differently and have a mother who is happy to go along with it.

peboh · 29/09/2021 20:58

Are you not upset that she favours one child over your others, and makes it really clear? I agree that it's entirely up to mil who she leaves money to, however I would ask her to reconsider if it was me as I wouldn't want that to cause a rift between my children when the time comes.

Original poster

whoisrite · 29/09/2021 21:31

I am not favouring dd, I am just looking out for her as she is being treated as an outsider by the only father she has known. No I want all the children to be treated the same but the way my husband is going on about it is making me feel I have to protect her. I m not enjoying this as it is causing problems I never thought we had. I am being seen as the bad one even though I have no input in this. I suggested that they talk as a family but no he wants me to talk to MIL and convince her to change her will. I honestly don't want to get involved. It's not my job to fight my husband and sibling corner. His stance changes from all the money should go to the grandchildren to only the 3 adults should inherit then they can use it as they see fit for their families. We are arguing over money that may or may not be available anyway (if they end up needing to go into a home/ carers).
what particularly hurt me was the statement that its their family wealth that is being given to someone who is no relation to them (SIL) that hurt me and husband fails to see why I am angry. He is treating the children the same but I am left wondering if deep down he just pretending when it comes to her. Sorry If I come across as unfair I am just so angry as this had nothing to do wioth me in the 1st place. They (DH and siblings ) are the ones who always want to discuss such issues with their father. I just go along, If I am given an thing I am grateful .

OP posts:

peboh · 29/09/2021 21:38

It doesn't sound like you husband is treating her an outsider, but he's looking out for the best interest for all the children, not just one. His children are being dismissed.

Fiftyplanner · 29/09/2021 21:52

Look up a Deed of Variation. This allows beneficiaries of a Will to amend it within two years of the death, not sure if you as parent can act on behalf of your DD as a minor but I assume so.

Original poster

whoisrite · 29/09/2021 21:55

I will speak to her and suggest that everyone benefits. It's true its creating me and her against them. At the moment I feel cornered hence me being defensive. If they had said it rationally I would not have reacted instead in was all the snide remarks, the texts the accusations that their family wealth was being given away. I know at the moment I am not thinking straight, thankfully even when so angry I can keep my cool so am not reacting.

OP posts:

Starrycolors23 · 29/09/2021 21:56

OP you sound lovely and you have done nothing wrong.

This is so simple. Husband and wife have contributed to a marital pot. Upon death, Husband’s will be split 50/50. His wife has every right to her share. She can blow it all on drugs and gambling if she wishes. It’s no ones business. It is lovely that she has cared so much for your daughter and your DH and his siblings are awful people.

Just let this blow over. Tell MIL to stop discussing it, play along and pretend you’ll reject it. Deal with it when the time comes!

Starrycolors23 · 29/09/2021 21:57

I don’t think she should give anything to the others. She feels wronged and has every right to do as she wishes in such a scenario: they’ve shown they don’t care about anything more than money.

Blueskythinking123 · 29/09/2021 22:05

@Starrycolors23 but the grandchildren have not wronged the step mum and yet she is punishing them for their parents actions.

I agree she has every right not to leave anything to her step children, but the next generation (grandchildren) should be treated equally.

If one twin was being favoured in the will, would OP really agree with this?

TeacupDrama · 29/09/2021 22:16

You can't do a deed of variation for a minor that would disadvantage the minor so if you have 3 children and the grandfather leaves tom Dick and Harry £2000 eacheck but between will being written and the grandfather's death a fourth child Peter is born you can't vary the will to give all 4 £1500 as that disadvantages the minor as they were given £2000 in this case Peter gets nothing but if grandfather said £6000 to be shared by my grandchildren all 4 would get £1500.

If the will gifts your DD any sum directly by naming her the executor has to keep all that money in trust for her until she is 18, it can't be shared with anyone else. You can ask her to share with siblings at 18 but you can't make her, however you could write your wills so that the twins get an equivalent sum, then the remainder is split 3 ways. But legally you can't take a minor's inheritance and give it to someone else. A brief chat with a solicitor would tell you that, I am not commenting on whether MIL is is right to do this just that you can't change it.

ZenNudist · 29/09/2021 22:26

FGS do not talk to her. Just stay out of it. Your dh and family are horrible. It's not your business what she does with her money. It's not going to be your business if she does favour your dd in her will. Remind dh that a lot can happen before it ever comes to that. People like your MIL play games with their wealth for years. She will probably leave it to a cats shelter.

Cattitudes · 29/09/2021 22:55

You can't reject anything on your dd's behalf because she is a minor. When she turns 18 it will be her choice what she does if MIL dies after that age. Either way you cannot do anything. Morally I think it depends where MIL money comes from. If as you say she had her own house before marriage then she is just disposing of that share as she sees fit in the same way she might if she had a blood niece or nephew to whom her share goes. If the bulk of the wealth was from FIL then I think it is a little different.

Another factor to consider is your dh mother, presumably when she dies HER estate would be split between her children and biological grandchildren. Your dd will probably not inherit from her at all so the twins will get more inheritance then. Ultimately though there is nothing that you can do, I would though probably encourage dh and siblings to speak to a solicitor so they can hear for themselves that there is nothing you can do.

It would be good for FIL to make a clearer indication of his stance. If I were him I would try to figure out with MIL how much she brought/ how much he brought to the marriage then split the assets in that proportion. Be clear with the children that MIL share is in proportion to the money she had before the marriage. His share is left to his dc, with a lifetime interest in the house for MIL. MIL can dispose of her share as she wishes as she has no shared biological children, but a lifetime interest in the house so FIL not homeless.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 23:51

@whoisrite

I am not favouring dd, I am just looking out for her as she is being treated as an outsider by the only father she has known. No I want all the children to be treated the same but the way my husband is going on about it is making me feel I have to protect her. I m not enjoying this as it is causing problems I never thought we had. I am being seen as the bad one even though I have no input in this. I suggested that they talk as a family but no he wants me to talk to MIL and convince her to change her will. I honestly don't want to get involved. It's not my job to fight my husband and sibling corner. His stance changes from all the money should go to the grandchildren to only the 3 adults should inherit then they can use it as they see fit for their families. We are arguing over money that may or may not be available anyway (if they end up needing to go into a home/ carers). what particularly hurt me was the statement that its their family wealth that is being given to someone who is no relation to them (SIL) that hurt me and husband fails to see why I am angry. He is treating the children the same but I am left wondering if deep down he just pretending when it comes to her. Sorry If I come across as unfair I am just so angry as this had nothing to do wioth me in the 1st place. They (DH and siblings ) are the ones who always want to discuss such issues with their father. I just go along, If I am given an thing I am grateful .

He’s not treating your DD as an outsider at all. He’s wanting all of the children treated the same - that’s the exact opposite of treating her as an outsider.

You are allowing your MIL to make your DD different - she is making your DD an outsider with her favouritism and you need to tell her to stop.
Children that young shouldn’t be able to tell when an Aunt or grandparent has a favourite.
The only one making your DD stand out as not being the same as the other children is your MIL and you should be putting your foot down - just as you would if she was favouring one twin over another.

JustLyra · 29/09/2021 23:52

Also ignore your SIL - focus on your family unit. Your children are being pitted against each other with a golden child scenario. That’s not good for them or their relationships with each other long term.

Your mil is taking her annoyance at her step-children out on your children!

Crispyduckandpancakes · 30/09/2021 09:04

Are your PIL aware of all this dissension among the family?

I do find it distasteful when the vultures gather before a body is even dead. FIL could live for another 20 years and MIL for another 25 years, assuming that they are presently in good health. Yet their children are already squabbling over who gets what when they are gone. That's beyond vile. If it were my DC talking about my death in such a way, I would seriously consider whether to leave them anything at all.

This is not 'family' money. It is your PIL's money and it is entirely up to them how they spend it and who they leave it to. The sense of entitlement of DH and his family is breathtaking, especially considering how badly they treated MIL in the first instance. TBH, they sound like a most unpleasant family, and your DH appears to have revealed his true colours.

It all reads like the beginning of an Agatha Christie story, where the reader is expecting someone to be 'bumped off' at any minute, and the family then gather for the reading of the will. DH in the dining room with a spanner?

goawayalcg · 30/09/2021 11:10

FIL could live for another 20 years and MIL for another 25 years, assuming that they are presently in good health. Yet their children are already squabbling over who gets what when they are gone. That's beyond vile.

To be fair, sounds like the MIL announced her intentions for after her death to the family. Likely to stir up this kind of anger among those members of the family she doesn't care for.

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