inheritance and marriage

[whoisrite]

my husband and I are arguing to the point we may separate as we can't agree on an issue of inheritance. I will try not to drip feed.
I met my husband when I was a single mum with a 1yr old dd. We married when she was 2.5yrs and she is 5 now. We have twins who are 3.
My husband' s parents separated when he was 16, he has a sister who is 2yrs older and a brother.His father (77)remarried. As soon as I was introduced to his family, his step mother took to my daughter. She clearly favours her over other grandchildren.She will spend time with her,
ask to take her places, buy her things etc. She has suggested that they pay for her schooling . Step MIL has no children of her own Initially dismissed it but its so blatant that no one can deny it. She is good with all the children including SlL and BlL children but clearly has a favourite. This has been on going since we came to the family and my husbands siblings have commented. I spoke to someone who is close to MIL and she said mother in law said my husband and his siblings never welcomed her to the family and only tolerate her, she always felt like an outsider hence why she prefers my dd as she is also an outsider. Not sure what to think about this.
Recently there was a family discussion about inheritance , my FIL would like to leave money to his wife and children. My mother in law then said she would only have one person in her will unless she dies before her husband. As you can imagine this has caused resentment in the family. My husband and siblings are angry as they say it's unfair on everyone else . My husband says I should refuse the inheritance on behalf of dd as its unfair on everyone else. He is so angry that he is threatening to rewrite his will. I am apathetic to it all as its nothing to do with me. I have said if he changes his will so will l. Please give me some wise advice.

She's just planning to leave it to her favourite. I think that's her choice to make. She never had children and loves DD.

FIL needs to sort his will out, he can do whatever he likes with his share. That's how it works.

Would l be happy? no, but there's nothing you can do.

Money brings out the worst.

Well.
As pps have said, it's none of your business what happens with mil will.
If what your dh is saying is that IF dd inherits from MIL then he will take her out of his will to even it up, then that's fair enough.
The whole thing is pretty awful all round though!

Did your step MIL bring anything financially to the marriage with your FIL, and how old is step MIL?

If all this supposed inheritance she will be passing down is actually your FILs - then wow, what a extraordinarily nasty thing to say to his children. I can understand how upset your husband and his siblings would be. But if its her money then I guess she can do with it what she pleases. Although its a very immature thing to say and no wonder the kids cant be bothered with her.

What would you do if she was doing this to one of your twins?

It's not your DH treating your DD differently, you are allowing your step MIL to play favourites and haven't challenged it once

Is my family the only one on the world that doesn’t discuss money like this?

I have no idea what is in my parents or in-laws will, neither do I care!

It’s really not any of my business, and I hope they spend as much as they can living and enjoying their lives, whilst making adequate provision for their later years.

Money really does do quite bizarre things to people.

Your husband is a dick. The favouritism shown by your step MIL is a bit shit but so is the way your DH and his siblings treated her. What is he going to change in his will, is he, saying he will only leave to the children that are his?

Are you comfortable with your Dtwins (are they both boys?) Growing up knowing they are "granny's" second favourite? Honestly if you let it continue they are going to feel shit. It's not like your DD is 16 and she and MIL would naturally have a different type of relationship. They're close in age!

The money thing, I guess your DH should deal with Fil and make sure the bulk is protected in a trust for the GC

How much are we talking about? If at the end of the day it was only a couple grands on the table in years away, I think the MIL is manipulating. And you guys will realise how silly you were fighting over nothing.

If you honestly can't see why your DH and siblings are upset then you are either dim or disingenuous. It would be completely normal to feel wronged if ones step mother was left a bulk of the estate and then upon her passing she left it to someone and not shared it. The moral thing to do would be to leave it to all GC equally. But you know that. You just choose to state otherwise as yiur dd would be the beneficiary. Easy to take that stance when you are the one to benefit

If he dies first, Fil is going to leave money to his children,. who can use it as they see fit.Nobody misses out.

If she survives FIL MIL has no younger blood relatives.
As a widow she would be making a new Will anyway.
If when she does make a will, she will no doubt be using a solicitor who will advise her .

Beyond that, it is NOBODY's business who she leaves her money to.
Cat home, Boris Johnson, DD.

She's good to all the children IRL nobody is missing out.
It's lovely that DD has found a special granny who adores her. Enjoy it.

He says everyone should get a fair share as it's family money/ wealth and that his father was the main earner in the marriage.

Whoah, right there.

The three children refused to attend the wedding or to have any contact with Mill for a long time after.

IOW,. your DH and his siblings havae absolutely NO IDEA what money, assets, wealth MIL brough to her marriage with FIL.
Whatever she brought , and wherever it came from (earnings, property, lottery, inheritance, investment, ) it is hers. It's not money for her stepchildren.

The fact she spends generously on the stepgrandkids and offers to pay DD;s schoolfees, very much suggests she has considerable private assets of her own. Nothing to do with FIL. Nothing to do with the steps or their children. She does not need to show them her bank statements or explain her wealth status. That is entirely private. Her money is NOT their "family wealth".

Of course she will never forget how badly they treated her after her marriage to FIL. For the sake of her husband she has spent YEARS biting her tongue at their rudeness and coldness . Now for the first time, they realise they just MIGHT have
mistaken her situation... and their own. Serves them right

My suggestion fwiw ...
Agree that should it come to it - i.e. your MiL dies and leaves a substantial sum only or mainly to your DD and she is still a minor - you will discuss the matter and will listen to his concerns, but that until then, you feel strongly that it's not your place to get involved. It's not your will, nor is it your parents' wills.

What is in your power is to make sure that your own paperwork is all sorted. Imagine your H became a horrible person that you couldn't trust. Now imagine you are incapacitated or dead. Does your will stand up to this scenario? Do you have PoA set up, guardianship? If you were severely disabled (think poor Michael Schumacher) or killed, and your husband didn't want to look after oldest DD, who would?
You can get all the above sorted out and that would be useful.

Yes your DH is getting worked up about something he has not control over. And he didn't behave that well to your MiL to start with. But two wrongs don't make a right and it would be a conciliatory gesture to sympathize with him mildly so that at least he feels you're listening to him.

However we all sympathize with you OP!

@Dontbeme

His inheritance is bypassing a generation, and going to a child that isn't even his

No a man is leaving his wife his assets upon his death in a will, all legal and above board. That woman is then free to do what she wants with her assets upon her death.

If the DH is of the opinion that this little girl is not his family as no blood connection, how can he be so hypocritical as to demand inheritance from a woman that also has no blood connection to him? He has made it clear that SM is nothing to him, all the siblings have, they refused to meet her for a year and didn't attend the wedding so why come with hands out for her to give inheritance?

Wow wish I put it this well. This 100% over and over.

"I am going to go against the majority here and say that actually I think you are by some small way at fault where your husbands anger is concerned. The family are looking to you to say, 'don't worry, whatever she has done I will ensure it's issued fairly if said child is a minor' and if she is over 18 encouraging her to do so.
I think the fact you are hiding behind it being nothing to do with you makes you appear to support/agree with the MIL decision, which considering 2 of your own children will be impacted seems odd."

I agree with @Motherlandismylife on this. I think it's understandable that the adult children are dismayed and your position shows a bit of a lack of understanding and empathy towards your H. Of course both FIL and MIL can do as they wish with their wills but as someone said upthread, if the positions were reversed, you might well be feeling pretty pissed off as well. And if your husband kept giving you the brush-off when you tried to talk about it, you might feel even more pissed off. You can't fix this and your H shouldn't expect you to but it doesn't sound as if you've shown any understanding of his position at all and he must find that a bit frustrating if nothing else.

My grandmother is alive. Her will is an equal split between me and my siblings. We are the only grandchildren and she has no living children

I am the favoured grandchild and she has often talked of changing her will to benefit me and my children. On every occasion I have asked her not too. The extra money would be nice (I probably need it more than my siblings) but morally it is wrong. I would not want my children directly inheriting and my nephew/nieces getting nothing.

How are your other DC going to feel if their sister gets an inheritance that allows her to get on the property ladder, whilst they have nothing. I honestly don't think I could not say anything if that was happening in my family.

How on Earth have you let this situation arise?

No-one who treated my children so massively different would be kept close. Your step-MIL is very obviously using your daughter to make a point and you are allowing it by not telling her that it would be fairer to treat all of the grandchildren equally.

Your daughter’s relationship with her own siblings could be damaged very badly if you don’t wake up and stop allowing your MIL to treat your DD like the golden child.
Golden children often do well financially, but they rarely have good adult relationships with the people who were treated lesser around them.

I bet if it was your BIL’s child that was bring favoured over your twins you’d understand your husbands point more…

This right here is why I have come to believe very strongly that if something happens to DH, I will never remarry now that we have a child. It just makes issues of inheritance too complicated.

The MIL is being really odd, saying she plans to leave everything to one grandchild is quite hurtful. That kind of statement can break apart families.

But your DH and his siblings will already have had their share, correct? FIL is leaving 50% to them directly and 50% to his wife.

If she had had her own DC that money would more than likely have left the family anyway, as it would have been left to her own DC, not to her step children.

I think it's hers to do with as she wishes but it was unwise (or unkind) of her to make that known in advance. It seems a bit mad to think that step children who were not nice to her should get her half.

In any case it's not being left to the OP, but to her DD (maybe, who actually knows?), and is nothing to do with the OP. I wouldn't have thought it was even in the OPs power to decide to just give away money that had been left to her DD, surely that's theft?

Family therapy vouchers all round for Xmas then.

Maybe it’ll calm down your DH enough he stops being a dick or it’ll offend MIL so much there will be no inheritance forthcoming.

I’ll be honest, in your DHs shoes I’d also be fuming.
I realise that the money would be his step mother’s to leave to whomever she wants, but as a matter of principle she shouldn’t have a favourite and should plan to leave and equal share to the grandkids.
Don’t you see his point of view? Do the right thing and put this right with the step mother.

Unless there is a prenup, FIL and step MIL are a married couple which means all assets are owned by both.

If that is the case why does FIL decide how he will leave his money, yet MIL is only able to decide who she leaves her 50% share if FIL dies first.

This is to be expected if a parent marries again, the step MIL might have had assets before she married the FIL. She is not obliged to include anyone in her will.

My siblings and I are experiencing a less fair situation at the moment. My step mother has made sure we will receive nothing. She sold her house and put her new house in her son’s name. We will receive nothing from my DF’s share and her only adult son will inherit the lot.

Unfortunately my father didn’t leave a will, he left instructions and wanted my siblings and I to inherit half when step mother died and his step son was to inherit the other half.

On a different point..won't your dd be liable for a lot of tax if she inherits as the amount grandchildren can receive tax free is small and would she even be treated as a grandchild? So most would go to the government which seems a terrible waste.

@junebirthdaygirl

On a different point..won't your dd be liable for a lot of tax if she inherits as the amount grandchildren can receive tax free is small and would she even be treated as a grandchild? So most would go to the government which seems a terrible waste.

June, I don't think you have a clue how inheritance tax works.