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Original poster

Am I being ridiculously picky or is this a turnoff?

94 replies

Rosiestraws · 27/09/2021 18:33

Background that I think is relevant, am 35 and I have severely diminished ovarian reserve so will go through early menopause likely within next 5 years and I desperately want kids. Am trying to freeze my eggs but no luck so far, but no reason I shouldn't get pregnant naturally. But essentially I have to get on with things to meet someone and shouldnt waste time!

Have met a lovely guy who ticks all my boxes (intelligent, financially independent, wants marriage/kids, attractive, seems kind and genuine, funny, own house etc). On the first few dates I was so happy thinking "wow he's actually the one" but there have been a few things that I find really cringey/really unattractive. The main one is that he can be quite effeminate/a bit camp. He's a bit posh (think Made in Chelsea) so without wanting to generalise too much, I feel like this is just a bit of a "posh guy" thing perhaps? We've had discussions about sexual experiences and he's not gay (well I guess I can only take his word for it but I don't believe he is and he's great in bed/very "manly" and confident there. Has had a number of serious relationships all with women and was engaged until the end of last year - ended for a genuine reason). But every time he does/say something a bit effeminate it's just so offputting! (Hard to describe what these mannerisms are but they're not all the time but like on greeting me for example going "oh hello beautiful!" and just ott with the gestures and cuddles etc). I'm not sure if it's a bit of nerves perhaps but ultimately part of his nature maybe?

He also seems a bit needy with cuddles/affection. He'll make jokes about it and sort of pull me in for cuddles/kisses etc and it's fine generally as I am tactile but there's something that just puts me off a bit when he comes across a bit needy for it.

Additionally, he has bad breath quite often (I think he's just the type to not carry mints/gum and doesn't drink enough water also although he brushes his teeth every night - mornings I have noticed he is the type to have coffee/food etc without having brushed teeth and then not seeming to go back and brush them again) I can hint at this as time goes on I'm sure..

There are a few other little things like this but essentially I feel like I'm struggling to figure out if these little things making me cringe a bit are worth ending a relationship with what seems to be a total unicorn of a man otherwise! He's a decent lovely guy who wants all the same things, same path and we get on really well but if these things give me the ick a bit now, I wonder if they'll get worse in time. But then I wonder if I'll find a man who isn't slightly camp/effeminate/needy but then has a million other issues! It seems so hard to find a normal decent man that maybe I should count my lucky stars and appreciate I just have to compromise now as noone is perfect.

Grateful for any thoughts/comments... especially if you're married and can shake me and remind me what's going to be important in 10/20/50 years of being with someone?!

TIA and sorry for being so long..

OP posts:
OldEvilOwl · 27/09/2021 18:37

How long have you been with him?

Original poster
Rosiestraws · 27/09/2021 18:38

we've been seeing each other about 2 months.. obviously my initial though is to try and give it some more time, but given the fertility issues I'm concerned just HOW long to give it... Confused

OP posts:
bravelittlepenguin · 27/09/2021 18:41

I think you just don't fancy him. He's probably great on paper as you've said but these "flaws" are putting you off because you don't really fancy him. If you did then you wouldn't care or notice those things.

EllieSattler · 27/09/2021 18:44

If he annoys you with his mannerisms and bad breath now, and you stay with him and have kids, you'll want to murder him before the oldest one gets to school. These things do not become endearing over time!

TintinIsBack · 27/09/2021 18:47

Is it having a family that is important fir you or having a child?
If it’s the second, I’d separate the two, put plans I place for a child with sperm donor and look for a partner.

I don’t think you are attracted by him. I would have noticed the bad breath but certainly not how often he is brushing his teeth!! His mannerisms are going to annoy you more and more. Don’t settle down with someone ‘just’ for a baby. It will only create heartache

Eddielzzard · 27/09/2021 18:55

Doesn't sound good. If you're embarrassed by him now, it will get a lot worse.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2021 18:55

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not attracted to "macho" men at all, but neither am I attracted to effeminate or campy men, and any campy or OTT mannerisms would turn me off completely. We can't help what we are or are not attracted to. Sadly, I don't see this getting better for you. It's bothering you already and you're only 2 months in.

BeaucoupFish · 27/09/2021 18:57

Halitosis is horrible

PearlclutchersInc · 27/09/2021 18:57

If these things are irritants already - after just a few weeks and given the context. Cut your losses - nicely - and move on.

Yummypumpkin · 27/09/2021 18:57

Agree these things will irritate you more and not less.

Good on paper can't get you through the next 20 years. Chemistry counts.

actingsergeant · 27/09/2021 19:01

You have the ick. Or you’re well on your way to it

Bluntness100 · 27/09/2021 19:04

You can’t be deciding to stay with sone random who makes you cringe becayse you are thinking you might be able to have babies with him

That never works out well.

PyjamaFan · 27/09/2021 19:05

He's not the one for you. If he was these things wouldn't matter.

MarshmallowSwede · 27/09/2021 19:09

The thing is no one is perfect. There is no “perfect” man out there. We all have flaws so you have to find a man who’s flaws you can accept. That’s it.. that’s the secret really.

I love my husband to bits and I think he’s amazing and sexy. But he also annoys the hell out of me to no end. His worst habit I can handle. I wouldn’t change his bad habits because that’s just him. So I think you need to look at it as finding a man who you can accept him for who he is.. bad habits and all.

Joystir59 · 27/09/2021 19:09

Throw him back or let him impregnate you and then throw him back. You don't know him, fancy him, like him or love him. Yet you are planning a child with him. Madness.

RightsHoardingDinosaur · 27/09/2021 19:10

You're not compatible.

StormBaby · 27/09/2021 19:10

I was with someone like this for a couple of years and I was, like you, already getting the ick within a few weeks. I wish I’d listened to my intuition at the time as the whole relationship was a waste of time

Original poster
Rosiestraws · 27/09/2021 19:11

Thanks for the replies.

The funny thing is that I do actually fancy him a lot of the time - just not when he's doing these things!! It's not like it's throughout our time spent together, but maybe on greeting or on other occasions throughout an evening but then the majority of the time it's all good and I'm enjoying his company, chat etc. But it's just SO offputting when these little things pop up! I also wonder if it's an insecurity/nervousness on his side..

I appreciate the comments about finding someone else though but I've been dating for 2 years (ok covid made it difficult but I would still say I've been on dates with around 30 guys since March 2020) and he's the only one I was thinking "Wow he's amazing!" about for so long! And I still do think that tbf and wonder if I'll find someone as great if I end things..

Are there not little annoying things that everyone's partners do that we learn to live with? Confused Genuine question.. it's hard to judge objectively! I'm sure there were things in other relationships I've been in which were similar but I just can't seem to get it clear in my head with this guy! I wonder if it's because we're SO on the same page and want the same things, that I'm almost panicking "Ok so this is my future husband.. can I put up with this!?" instead of being able to just relax and see where it goes! I'm second guessing myself and him..

@TintinIsBack
It is the family that's important - I've thought seriously about having a baby on my own but know I couldnt do it! The relationship is the priority and just going to have to hope I find the right one with enough time to have children still..

Also, just to clarify re bad breath - I feel like it's not an issue he can't fix but maybe just doesn't think/realise and I'm quite sensitive to it! I think I could/would start hinting about it and it would be dealt with..

OP posts:
Peach01 · 27/09/2021 19:13

You're not that keen on him, I would call it off before it goes further. I don't think it matters too much what the reason is. It doesn't have to be something that stares you right in the face and would put anyone off..although the breath might.
I find all of the mic men feminine, aswell as the husbands of the rhoc. I get what you mean there.

Original poster
Rosiestraws · 27/09/2021 19:14

@Joystir59 and others who have mentioned the babies thing - obviously I am not considering having a baby with him right now! It's just relevant to the situation as I don't want to, for example, spend a year with him and then realise I still feel like this and have to start all over again..

OP posts:
Suitcaseseverywhere · 27/09/2021 19:16

You’ve already got the ick. It won’t work. Sorry x

You’ll end up smothering him in 15 years when he’s snoring in bed 😜

Peach01 · 27/09/2021 19:17

Are there not little annoying things that everyone's partners do that we learn to live with?
In the dating stage there was nothing. I had no hesitation and that was a first for me. I've been put off men for the silliest of things. Fast forward to living together, yes there are annoying things that I live with 😂.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/09/2021 19:17

If you find him irritating now you will want to kill him in 5 years time trust me I've been married and divorced twice.

Steelesauce · 27/09/2021 19:19

Once you get the ick, there is no going back. Sorry.

cricketmum84 · 27/09/2021 19:20

Sorry but if these things are annoying and irritating you after 2 months then they aren't going to change. Too many issues. I totally get that you want to get settled down and have some babies but it's obvious this relationship won't last with the issues you have with him.