Am I being ridiculously picky or is this a turnoff?

[Rosiestraws]

Background that I think is relevant, am 35 and I have severely diminished ovarian reserve so will go through early menopause likely within next 5 years and I desperately want kids. Am trying to freeze my eggs but no luck so far, but no reason I shouldn't get pregnant naturally. But essentially I have to get on with things to meet someone and shouldnt waste time!

Have met a lovely guy who ticks all my boxes (intelligent, financially independent, wants marriage/kids, attractive, seems kind and genuine, funny, own house etc). On the first few dates I was so happy thinking "wow he's actually the one" but there have been a few things that I find really cringey/really unattractive. The main one is that he can be quite effeminate/a bit camp. He's a bit posh (think Made in Chelsea) so without wanting to generalise too much, I feel like this is just a bit of a "posh guy" thing perhaps? We've had discussions about sexual experiences and he's not gay (well I guess I can only take his word for it but I don't believe he is and he's great in bed/very "manly" and confident there. Has had a number of serious relationships all with women and was engaged until the end of last year - ended for a genuine reason). But every time he does/say something a bit effeminate it's just so offputting! (Hard to describe what these mannerisms are but they're not all the time but like on greeting me for example going "oh hello beautiful!" and just ott with the gestures and cuddles etc). I'm not sure if it's a bit of nerves perhaps but ultimately part of his nature maybe?

He also seems a bit needy with cuddles/affection. He'll make jokes about it and sort of pull me in for cuddles/kisses etc and it's fine generally as I am tactile but there's something that just puts me off a bit when he comes across a bit needy for it.

Additionally, he has bad breath quite often (I think he's just the type to not carry mints/gum and doesn't drink enough water also although he brushes his teeth every night - mornings I have noticed he is the type to have coffee/food etc without having brushed teeth and then not seeming to go back and brush them again) I can hint at this as time goes on I'm sure..

There are a few other little things like this but essentially I feel like I'm struggling to figure out if these little things making me cringe a bit are worth ending a relationship with what seems to be a total unicorn of a man otherwise! He's a decent lovely guy who wants all the same things, same path and we get on really well but if these things give me the ick a bit now, I wonder if they'll get worse in time. But then I wonder if I'll find a man who isn't slightly camp/effeminate/needy but then has a million other issues! It seems so hard to find a normal decent man that maybe I should count my lucky stars and appreciate I just have to compromise now as noone is perfect.

Grateful for any thoughts/comments... especially if you're married and can shake me and remind me what's going to be important in 10/20/50 years of being with someone?!

TIA and sorry for being so long..

yes I am soon- hopefully next month and he's aware and supportive
God, that's quite the conversation to have had at only two months in?

@GreyhoundG1rl It had to be had when you're not drinking alcohol and injecting every evening etc for 2 weeks (and actually this was at less than 1 month in!) but yeah I get that for some people it's very soon... I'm not sure why exactly if it feels natural and OK to discuss these things. I guess we talked about the big stuff fairly early on- I'm 35 and he's 40 and we're both very keen to have children so it was important to discuss that and then I felt like it was important to explain my background and the egg freezing stuff too to give him the chance to reconsider 😂

The more I say these things the more I think wow I'm lucky to have found a guy who can deal with all of this and I must be far more of a bad bet to him than he might be to me because of these flaws....! 🤔🙈

Op, you just don't sound that into him. I think we all notice the flaws but then move on/look past them. I've dated men with atrocious teeth or bad skin but because I was happy, it didn't matter. I'm not sure I could look past a definite bad personality trait though.

If there are things that turn you off at this early stage then I would agree that he is not for you and you seem to be settling. No one is perfect but the first part of the relationship usually we do not notice any imperfections if we are head over heels. Just keep on seeing him but take it slow and don't rush it and time will tell without investing too much too soon. Hope things work out regardless.

Those two things, his campness and the bad breath) are both easily fixed, surely, OP? Talk to him about them! If he's hoping for a serious long-term relationship with you, surely he'd prefer a discussion now, rather than getting dumped? If he gets all hurt and offended, then maybe he really isn't the One?

Omg!! You feel like this after 2 months. He's not for you.

I dumped a couple of really solid nice guys because of lesser reasons OP. Their “bits” looked weird. One had a Willy that was long thin and looked like a pencil! Everything else was brilliant but it just really put me off. I just wanted to be with someone who had bits that looked ok. I couldn’t get over it. It wouldn’t have bothered others but it bothered me. If these things bother you then dump and move on. Don’t keep wasting time

@twoandeights

I dumped a couple of really solid nice guys because of lesser reasons OP. Their “bits” looked weird. One had a Willy that was long thin and looked like a pencil! Everything else was brilliant but it just really put me off. I just wanted to be with someone who had bits that looked ok. I couldn’t get over it. It wouldn’t have bothered others but it bothered me. If these things bother you then dump and move on. Don’t keep wasting time

Tbf, I think that would have bothered a lot of people...

@MarshmallowSwede

The thing is no one is perfect. There is no “perfect” man out there. We all have flaws so you have to find a man who’s flaws you can accept. That’s it.. that’s the secret really.

I love my husband to bits and I think he’s amazing and sexy. But he also annoys the hell out of me to no end. His worst habit I can handle. I wouldn’t change his bad habits because that’s just him. So I think you need to look at it as finding a man who you can accept him for who he is.. bad habits and all.

^

Very sensible advice. So true.

The bad breath thing is a litmus test for how you both manage to navigate a potential source of conflict.

How he responds to you asking him will tell you a lot about how he responds to criticism.

The camp gestures are part of him, I think you either accept them or accept you can't accept them. Don't try to change him.

The bit that stood out to me is the neediness around affection. Your gut is telling you something is off. Sometimes over affection can feel controlling. You don't feel you dare complain as affection is good right? But your boundaries are being crossed. He pulls you back for another hug that you don't really want. My X used to do this over kissing goodbye. One kiss was never enough - he always wanted at least two or three 'goodbye' kisses. It put me off him. It felt like an obligation.

Give him a bit more time but not too much more. How he re-acts to the bad breath feedback should tell you all you need to know.

He’s not called Rod, is he? It was like going out with Alan Carr!

@Hen2018
I think really the name ‘Rod’ would be enough of a turn off 😂

Are there not little annoying things that everyone's partners do that we learn to live with? confused Genuine question.. it's hard to judge objectively!
Not for me. Stbxh didn't have any annoying things in early days, even once moved in together. The little things and then the bugs things came later. Those little things can really get on your nerves, being faced with them day after day.

Two months!!! No, you're supposed to think he's perfect at this stage. You'll want to bury him under the patio in a few years. You don't fancy him.

The bad breath I'd talk to him about that, doing so would be good for two reasons, he might resolve it and you'll be able to see how he reacts. The camp gestures, you can't change him, can you live with them or not? The little things with stbxh became so big partially, because there were big issues too. There are some things you can't really find out till life challenges you both. Any partner is going to be to some extent a gamble.

Just an aside, op, a friend of mind had the same fertility diagnosis at your age - 2 years later she was in a relationship in which they agreed to try and she fell pregnant within 3 months. Don't lose faith.

Are you planning on asking him to get his fertility assessed, before you commit to a long term relationship with him? If not then you need to visualise a future with this man where children don't happen. What if he can't have children or you have fertility problems? Will you still be happy to spend the rest of your life with him? That's your answer.

Could you look at having kids solo? Separating that from the hunt for the right person really takes the pressure off. Could you afford to go solo?

Do not get rid just yet. I.would be observing him very closely 're is he reliable, decent, trustworthy and kind ? Because you can change bad breath, and but you can't change these important traits.
When l was younger l was very much attracted to a " man's man". I paid a high price for that as l found out " the one that would have taken a bullet for you, can often end up holding the gun/ pulling the trigger. " That type of man does not interest me anymore.
From what you've told us he sounds a good guy, l would give it abit longer.