Am I being ridiculously picky or is this a turnoff?

[Rosiestraws]

Background that I think is relevant, am 35 and I have severely diminished ovarian reserve so will go through early menopause likely within next 5 years and I desperately want kids. Am trying to freeze my eggs but no luck so far, but no reason I shouldn't get pregnant naturally. But essentially I have to get on with things to meet someone and shouldnt waste time!

Have met a lovely guy who ticks all my boxes (intelligent, financially independent, wants marriage/kids, attractive, seems kind and genuine, funny, own house etc). On the first few dates I was so happy thinking "wow he's actually the one" but there have been a few things that I find really cringey/really unattractive. The main one is that he can be quite effeminate/a bit camp. He's a bit posh (think Made in Chelsea) so without wanting to generalise too much, I feel like this is just a bit of a "posh guy" thing perhaps? We've had discussions about sexual experiences and he's not gay (well I guess I can only take his word for it but I don't believe he is and he's great in bed/very "manly" and confident there. Has had a number of serious relationships all with women and was engaged until the end of last year - ended for a genuine reason). But every time he does/say something a bit effeminate it's just so offputting! (Hard to describe what these mannerisms are but they're not all the time but like on greeting me for example going "oh hello beautiful!" and just ott with the gestures and cuddles etc). I'm not sure if it's a bit of nerves perhaps but ultimately part of his nature maybe?

He also seems a bit needy with cuddles/affection. He'll make jokes about it and sort of pull me in for cuddles/kisses etc and it's fine generally as I am tactile but there's something that just puts me off a bit when he comes across a bit needy for it.

Additionally, he has bad breath quite often (I think he's just the type to not carry mints/gum and doesn't drink enough water also although he brushes his teeth every night - mornings I have noticed he is the type to have coffee/food etc without having brushed teeth and then not seeming to go back and brush them again) I can hint at this as time goes on I'm sure..

There are a few other little things like this but essentially I feel like I'm struggling to figure out if these little things making me cringe a bit are worth ending a relationship with what seems to be a total unicorn of a man otherwise! He's a decent lovely guy who wants all the same things, same path and we get on really well but if these things give me the ick a bit now, I wonder if they'll get worse in time. But then I wonder if I'll find a man who isn't slightly camp/effeminate/needy but then has a million other issues! It seems so hard to find a normal decent man that maybe I should count my lucky stars and appreciate I just have to compromise now as noone is perfect.

Grateful for any thoughts/comments... especially if you're married and can shake me and remind me what's going to be important in 10/20/50 years of being with someone?!

TIA and sorry for being so long..

@PearLime

Have you had sex with him? Only asking just so you know he defo isn't gay!

Re the bad breath- be direct. Just say "your breath is a bit smelly please could you brush your teeth/ have a mint".

He might be a bit hurt but I'm sure he'd rather be a bit hurt than dumped!

@PearLime Some men are bisexual. The dishonest ones want a conventional relationship with a woman, but also plan to continue getting their man thrills in gay saunas/spas/clubs.

@Antinerak

If he really ticked all your boxes and was right for you, you wouldn't find things like this off-putting. Don't settle, wait until you find the right one. I also wouldn't fancy a camp, smelly man.

Your last sentence actually made me laugh out loud!! XD

Thanks!

@Antinerak

Still laughing XD @Antinerak

Are there not little annoying things that everyone's partners do that we learn to live with?

Of course there are, but they are different for everyone.

I could deal with the bad breath - by tackling it head on and saying "I really don't want you to feel embarrassed but I've noticed a lot of the time were together, your breath is not too fresh. Can I ask you to please brush your teeth or at least pop a breath mint before you kiss me?"

Re the effeminate thing. I do know what you mean. I wasted 7 years of my life with a man like this. A man who I liked and loved, but didn't find sexually attractive. I especially didn't like him when I found him wearing my underwear...

But the touchy feely thing would kill it stone dead for me. You're looking for someone to have a baby with. A baby who will be on you 24/7 for at least 6 months. How will you feel about his whiny "I neeeeeeed a cuggle!" when your boobs are leaking and you've not slept for 48hrs?

Lust is blind. Whilst dating it's typical for us to see no faults in people we are falling in love with. It's not common in my experience to be so aware of faults and have to actively consider whether to continue a relationship after so little time dating. I think you're effectively trying to suppress what are for you red flags.

You don't have the ick if you fancy him. Most men when you have known them a while have icky things about them. I would give it a go.

Also, some camp guys can be so because they are so confident in their masculinity.

Everyone's reaction on Mumsnet is always to "get rid". These are just minor flaws which we all have. Get a grip and give him a chance.

Does he actually have bad breath or is it just coffee breath? Heavy coffee drinkers' breath can be a bit off. I try to remember to brush afterwards before breathing over somebody. Perhaps a visit to a dental hygienist would be a good idea. I had to tell a boyfriend that his breath wasn't the best and he got himself off to a peridontist and dental hygienist and got the issue resolved. Yes, it was awkward but he was a keeper. We've been married a long time now. He always steals my dental floss. Halitosis is not a moral failing and most times people are totally unaware.

After all you're not perfect either - nobody is. My "tests" for men are how helpful he is when you're sick, that he gets on well with his mother (doesnt matter if you don't) but he puts you first. I think you should share the same moral values - if you give the change back if they've given you too much you'll want him to be similarly honest. Nice manners and a lack of disgusting personal habits are also important. If you want a family and you've got to 35 with low egg reserves I'd be giving this man very serious thought. After all he knows about the low reserve thing, has been supportive about it and he's not dumped you for somebody with a better egg supply and a later menopause. It's not as though you're unattracted to him either. Good quality men are actually quite hard to find.

Thanks for all the replies. I’m also surprised at all the replies telling me to get rid of him- I guess I was thinking/hoping there might be advice from women in long term relationships telling me that these things are not what’s important in 10 years time if he’s genuinely a great guy who wants the same things as me, is kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, has his s**t together, etc etc..

It has made me actually think I need to give him more time because the messages telling me to get rid make me feel like I don’t want to! (Hopefully it’s not because I’m just being dumb and ignoring good advice 😂) I guess I could give it another month or two and see if these things become more or less of an issue. The breath thing I’m definitely going to fix as people have suggested things for me to say so thank you all for those!

It’s very true that I’m concerned I won’t find someone better…not in the sense that I’m settling for someone rubbish but maybe I’m finding fault that shouldn’t matter considering the positives! There seem to be a lot of posts about women in their 30s or older bemoaning the standard of men out there so I think it could be a very real fear!

Thanks @Rangoon all of what you said is true- he’s a big coffee drinker for one and the rest of what you’ve said is valid too and the way I’m thinking about things more and more…

Extravagant gestures that I found embarrassing would put me off. If you have children with him, they might grow up doing the same thing. But it does sound like you could be overthinking things due to feeling under pressure.

Tell him he has bad breath - no waiting ages then dropping hints, why do that if you are in a hurry? Just tell him politely. If he apologises and gets it sorted, that's a thumbs up. If he is annoyed/denies it/dodges the issue or dumps you, there you have it.

You don't say why you've not managed to freeze your eggs, but if you can I think you should asap.
Then there is less pressure to make quick decisions about stick or twist. Gives yourself the time to assess him. The halitosis can be fixed, and he's not camp in the bedroom ( I've ended up seeing men with some camplike traits, somehow it's more endearing, rather than a deal-breaker to my mind).

these things are not what’s important in 10 years time if he’s genuinely a great guy who wants the same things as me, is kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, has his st together, etc
When you say kind and caring, what do you mean? Does he seem kind and caring? Make kind and caring comments? Or actually do kind and caring things, such as giving you space when you want it, even though he would like a cuddle?

Tbh i think your trying to find issues...
The bad breath is the only thing I'd find that frustrating and I'd probably love or learn to love the others.

With the breath I would just be brutally honest I mean what can he do? Dump you? Your already 1 step ahead in your mind

You see i disagree with all of this. I think he genuinely ticks your boxes so you are instinctively thinking, Hmmmm must be something wrong with him, before you commit.

My DH of 20 years did some really offputting stuff when i met him - he yawned loudly without his hand over his mouth and said "ahhhh dear" at the end of it. Literally wanted to end it after a couple of months because of that. 😁 He also washed with a flannel in the bath , then screwed it into a sausage shape and left it like that balanced on the bath tap spout thing. Hated it. But bit my tongue until about 6 months in and then voiced it. He stopped immediately! All good since.

So yes, these picky little details are a bit cringe and ewwwwww, but not worth finishing a perfectly good relationship so soon.

Yep, you’ve got the ick.

When the ick isn’t there one doesn’t even notice these things.

I wouldn’t be so sure that you can cure his bad breath. That will be up to him and he has to be motivated to do it. If he’s just too lazy to clean his teeth in the mornings, he’s not going to suddenly want to just because you are dropping hints.

Do you plan to have another go at freezing your eggs? This might take some of the urgency away and give you a chance to decide how you really feel. No need to tell him what you're doing unless you get more serious.

Apart from his breath, OP, how does he smell? Are you on hormonal contraception or fertility drugs right now? Apologies for the weird question but taking a very biological stance can sometimes help you unpick whether you truly fancy him at an animal level or not, and even may contribute towards whether you're likely to find it easier to conceive or have healthy kids with him in the future.

I'd give it a bit longer, buy him some Listerine.

@Timetable99 he smells good ha! I do like his scent/ am attracted to him in that sense. The breath thing seems to be an issue like others have said like to do with having coffee and then not drinking much water or having any breath mints etc over the course of the day! It's not like it's noticeable unless we're kissing or very close so it's not a deeper issue I don't think... Not on hormonal contraception now but did have an abandoned cycle end of August and had been injecting for 2 weeks then so full of hormones around then!

@qpmz yes I am soon- hopefully next month and he's aware and supportive

@ravenmum
He says and does these kind and caring things. It's not like he bothers me for cuddles/ kisses if I don't want it, it's more the way he might, for example, be saying goodbye and we kiss/ cuddle and then he pulls me back and makes a joke about wanting one more or whatever in a bit needy/effeminate way!! But yes generally he seems to be kind/ caring and I don't think I'm just imagining he is..

Re all the comments about having the ick and it being dead and buried... do you think that's the case if it's not continuous!? Like i get it most times I see him but it doesn't last the whole time. We've spent a weekend away together and I don't remember it happening at all so I do wonder if it's a way he behaves sometimes out of nervousness or something...

then he pulls me back and makes a joke about wanting one more or whatever in a bit needy/effeminate way
Perhaps he thinks you might like this behaviour - showing you that he's really keen? Same with "hello beautiful" - it could be something that he thinks he should be saying. Maybe mention a few times that you're more the pragmatic type and not really into lovey-dovey stuff? See what happens.

Would you say you generally need to make yourself say some of the things you're thinking? If he's nice, you should be able to say it without a bad response. My bf smokes, and if I say he tastes of smoke he's nothing but apologetic. A quick "ooh, coffee breath!" can't hurt, can it?
Next time you're thinking something secretly, think of Mumsnet and spit it out!

Genuinely surprised at all the replies telling you to dump him now...If he ticks all the main boxes that are the foundation of a solid relationship/marriage then who cares about a few mannerisms...
Well... op does
Camp and smelly, doesn't sound as if all the foundations are in place at all.