Am I being ridiculously picky or is this a turnoff?

[Rosiestraws]

Background that I think is relevant, am 35 and I have severely diminished ovarian reserve so will go through early menopause likely within next 5 years and I desperately want kids. Am trying to freeze my eggs but no luck so far, but no reason I shouldn't get pregnant naturally. But essentially I have to get on with things to meet someone and shouldnt waste time!

Have met a lovely guy who ticks all my boxes (intelligent, financially independent, wants marriage/kids, attractive, seems kind and genuine, funny, own house etc). On the first few dates I was so happy thinking "wow he's actually the one" but there have been a few things that I find really cringey/really unattractive. The main one is that he can be quite effeminate/a bit camp. He's a bit posh (think Made in Chelsea) so without wanting to generalise too much, I feel like this is just a bit of a "posh guy" thing perhaps? We've had discussions about sexual experiences and he's not gay (well I guess I can only take his word for it but I don't believe he is and he's great in bed/very "manly" and confident there. Has had a number of serious relationships all with women and was engaged until the end of last year - ended for a genuine reason). But every time he does/say something a bit effeminate it's just so offputting! (Hard to describe what these mannerisms are but they're not all the time but like on greeting me for example going "oh hello beautiful!" and just ott with the gestures and cuddles etc). I'm not sure if it's a bit of nerves perhaps but ultimately part of his nature maybe?

He also seems a bit needy with cuddles/affection. He'll make jokes about it and sort of pull me in for cuddles/kisses etc and it's fine generally as I am tactile but there's something that just puts me off a bit when he comes across a bit needy for it.

Additionally, he has bad breath quite often (I think he's just the type to not carry mints/gum and doesn't drink enough water also although he brushes his teeth every night - mornings I have noticed he is the type to have coffee/food etc without having brushed teeth and then not seeming to go back and brush them again) I can hint at this as time goes on I'm sure..

There are a few other little things like this but essentially I feel like I'm struggling to figure out if these little things making me cringe a bit are worth ending a relationship with what seems to be a total unicorn of a man otherwise! He's a decent lovely guy who wants all the same things, same path and we get on really well but if these things give me the ick a bit now, I wonder if they'll get worse in time. But then I wonder if I'll find a man who isn't slightly camp/effeminate/needy but then has a million other issues! It seems so hard to find a normal decent man that maybe I should count my lucky stars and appreciate I just have to compromise now as noone is perfect.

Grateful for any thoughts/comments... especially if you're married and can shake me and remind me what's going to be important in 10/20/50 years of being with someone?!

TIA and sorry for being so long..

@Rosiestraws I would just give yourself a little more time with him, I've had a similar experience and wrote him off in my head, but when I really thought about it, I was just terrified that he may well be 'the one' - all those ideas for your future are suddenly a bit closer. if you enjoy his company then that is the most important foundation for a relationship if you ask me.

I don’t think you can compromise on those things.

Have you had sex with him? Only asking just so you know he defo isn't gay!

Re the bad breath- be direct. Just say "your breath is a bit smelly please could you brush your teeth/ have a mint".

He might be a bit hurt but I'm sure he'd rather be a bit hurt than dumped!

@Rosiestraws
Are there not little annoying things that everyone's partners do that we learn to live with?
Yes if course, but that's love. When you love someone you accept them warts and all.

I don't believe you can fancy someone who often has bad breath. Like surely it's not possible?

Wow, have you met my ex husband? You've described him to a tee! I put up with the ice for 18 years then had to end it, don't do it!

@PearLime yes..a lot ha... and actually it's pretty amazing! Obviously there's nothing effeminate there (and it's usually at night after brushing teeth ha so no bad breath issue ) That's one of the great positives about him... I do fancy him a lot of the time and the sex is genuinely great! I should have probably added that to my list of positives!

At two months in, you really can't be knowing all that much about him. It can't be that much of a love affair at the moment, especially as you seem to be questioning lots of his little traits.. It sounds like you are choosing a car, one that you need to know,is going to be top class, and will serve you well on all your journeys.

I guess that you need to talk seriously to this man, about any issues that are bothering you. People on here, won't be able to get the measure of this man, and how he is going to turn out.

[quote Rosiestraws]@PearLime yes..a lot ha... and actually it's pretty amazing! Obviously there's nothing effeminate there (and it's usually at night after brushing teeth ha so no bad breath issue ) That's one of the great positives about him... I do fancy him a lot of the time and the sex is genuinely great! I should have probably added that to my list of positives![/quote]
Lucky you!

So he's defo not gay, it's just a couple of mannerisms.

Tbh it's all sounds positive. Just force feed him mints and you'll have your perfect man!!!!!

If things are irritating you now, after 2 months, he is not the one.

When you say you are trying to freeze your eggs but no luck so far, what do you mean? Failed cycles? Have you tried a different fertility unit?
Good luck, although if you really want a baby I would suggest iui whilst single. If you wait to find ‘the one’ you may miss your window. The success rate with frozen eggs is

You’ve only known him two months, it’s way to soon to know if this is a deal breaker or not.
The bad breath thing would put me off, but the other stuff wouldn’t bother me.
But how much does it bother you? Only you know the answer. This is the honeymoon period! There shouldn’t be ANY faults.
I’d carry on dating, it’s just too soon to call it.

If he really ticked all your boxes and was right for you, you wouldn't find things like this off-putting. Don't settle, wait until you find the right one.
I also wouldn't fancy a camp, smelly man.

The ick is starting, and once it has there’s no going back.

Have you ever felt picked holes and felt doubt at this stage in your previous relationships? Did it work out OK anyway? I think it's normal to have doubts, transitioning into a relationship is hard. I'd give it a bit more time personally, especially given all the other positives. I do think a certain amount of learning to fit with another person is par fir the course.

Confront him about the bad breath and tell him you find it very off-putting. It could also be a health issue rather than poor dental hygiene - tonsil stones, constipation, gingivitis, acid reflux. Buy him breath mints, mouthwash and a supersonic toothbrush regardless.

The camp mannerisms wouldn't be a deal breaker for me. Does he know you're lining him up to be the father of your babies?

Hmm, interesting, as soon as we say cut your losses, you don't want to, and you notice all the good things. I think he's a keeper. I would make a conscious choice to see these things as endearing minor acceptable flaws in a lovely man and stop holding yourself back from falling for him. Tell him to greet you with a breathmint and a gruff silent macho nod or something.

Almost completely inevitable that these things will grate more over time and not less.

Thanks for all the replied. It seems general consensus is to get rid. That makes me feel sad and like I should give him more time... so perhaps my reaction tells me deep down I do want it to work 🤔

@namechange5575 no I haven't really before but my last relationship was really toxic and if anything it was the opposite where I ignored lots of red flags early on...so maybe now I'm being extra cautious and looking for faults... 🙈

I guess it's hard to know how important these things are in a long term relationship...it's definitely a bit of the "getting the ick" as I've heard before but it's not like it lasts the whole time we're together and makes me totally turned off by him so it's a bit strange... I am definitely prone to over thinking and worrying though so maybe I'm making it bigger than it is 😕

@Whentheydontmeanwhattheysay I've done one cycle with 4 follicles flushed and no eggs there.. long story as other things went wrong.. but I'm starting a new cycle soon at a different clinic. (New guy is aware and supportive of this too).

Bit of a generalisation, but was the previous toxic relationship chap quite 'masculine'? If he had some toxic masculinity going on, then the adjustment to someone who is more open and comfortable with affection and with expressing his needs, might feel a bit stark initially. But obviously holds a lot more promise for a happier relationship, if you can adjust your view that these aspects of his nature relate to positive qualities rather than weakness / effeminacy. And you can just talk to him about the bad breath. Good luck! I hope everything works out well you for x x

I would give it another 2 months and then end it if it's not working.

To me, it sounds like you’re looking for problems. You have this baby countdown going on in your head and you’re thinking “next guy has to be THE guy” and it’s clouding your thinking.

I would see how he fits in with friends and family. I'm imagining he has the same level of femininity as say Hugh Grant. I think that could be ok. I think you could leave mouthwash out and gently encourage more water drinking over time.

Genuinely surprised at all the replies telling you to dump him now...If he ticks all the main boxes that are the foundation of a solid relationship/marriage then who cares about a few mannerisms... imo cuddles etc are lovely, these are early days anyway when affection is always aplenty and with time these things tend to level off a bit anyway. I think it's only a positive that he's affectionate. As for the bad breath, he may not even realise. Things like that can be easily fixed... And that without even taking your age and fertility into account. If I were you I'd hold on to him, really.

Oh, 2 months in, already getting annoyed by these things is not a great sign. If you're already turned off by these mannerisms/habits in the honeymoon phase, no chance you'll be ok with him even 5 years down the line - he'll likely get on your nerves even more. Especially when you have kids, and will be tired/sleep deprived, you both get older, shared responsibilities and finances etc.

Not saying that your turn offs are wrong, we can't help what we are attracted to after all. But the most important quality in a partner is that you do actually enjoy them AND their quirks, at least at the start. It does feel like you are disappointed it isn't working out, not because you want him specifically, but because you think you may not find someone better.

You can't compare how you're feeling now to someone who has been married for years. Getting annoyed with your partner once you live together, is completely different to getting turned off by a new bf in the initial months. The halitosis in particular is a problem - I think liking someone's natural scent is a really strong, biological indicator of bonding, especially for women. If you get turned off by his breath, there's something missing/not compatible.

Don't force it.

but there have been a few things that I find really cringey/really unattractive

Just leave this situation now. This kind of thing tends to get worse over time, so I can't imagine what you'll feel like after a decade with him.

The main one is that he can be quite effeminate/a bit camp

Some men are naturally very expressive, but not camp.

He also seems a bit needy with cuddles/affection. He'll make jokes about it and sort of pull me in for cuddles/kisses etc and it's fine generally as I am tactile but there's something that just puts me off a bit when he comes across a bit needy for it

That's just not going to work is it? You should feel equally enthused at this stage, not put off.

Additionally, he has bad breath quite often

I'm sorry OP, it's great that you've met someone you like but there are so many issues here already. Bad breath?????

Only you know what you can put up with, but I reckon you'll wake-up in a few years' time and not be able to STAND him. I think you'll be screaming inside!!

I really don't know why you even want to have sex with him :/

Also, many men say they're not gay or they're not bisexual....doesn't mean that's the case though. Even today, there are men who enter relationships with women just to have the traditional set-up.