Relationship with MiL recoverable?

[Thistledew]

I honestly don't know whether it is worth it to even try.

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 8. No major conflicts in our relationship at all but admittedly with a now 5 yr old DC who has always been particularly demanding of attention and now a 17 month old we have let things slide so we are not as affectionate and emotionally close as we once were.

I did get on well with MiL to start with, but once DC1 came along we spent more time together as she (at her request) did help us out a lot with childcare, I found her company more and more uncomfortable.

I put a lot of it down to differences in communication- she is far more of an emotional communicator and my primary instinct is to focus on facts and logic. She communicates very frequently with statements rather than questions so by the time I've worked out what she really was intending to ask, the moment has moved on, she is put out because I've not responded in the way she was hoping and I'm left drained by having to second guess her. This is just by way of an illustration to try and convey why I constantly feel on edge in her presence. I also find her quite judgmental and resistant to seeing things from a different perspective.

Despite this I've done my best to welcome her as part of the family. My DC love her and she has this summer given us a lot of her time in childcare. I acknowledge that she doesn't have the relationship she would like with a DiL but I can't seem to change her expectations of me being someone that she can waffle on to about what her friends children have done on holiday.

It has now come to light that DH has felt that our relationship has not been good for some time. That there are things he feels are really not working well. He has been bottling these up, even when I have asked him directly what's wrong.

One of the reasons that he hasn't talked these out with me is that his mother has been dripping in his ear how emotionally unavailable I am, how everyone finds me cold and unfriendly, how I'm rude and ungrateful, how I don't have time for anyone but the children and myself. In the many times he has spoken to her about how he feels unhappy with certain aspects of our relationship she has not once suggested that he speak to me about them. Apparently, and in the absence of any evidence to suggest the fears are well founded, she, and then he, have been 'scared' to confront me about these issues.

I'm really hurt, and furious that she has been so poisonous in our relationship. I think DH and I will be ok but we do need to communicate better.

The only thing stopping me refusing to have any thing more to do with her is that she currently is not at all well, and is waiting for the outcome of investigations into ovarian cancer.

Apart from that, it is worth my while trying to recover any sort of relationship with her?

Bump?

Apart from that, it is worth my while trying to recover any sort of relationship with her?

No, I wouldn't bother. It's clear to me how she feels about you. She'd be quite happy if her son left you.

It’s such a tricky one. I don’t know what she expects from you really like it’s lovely she helps out with the kids, but I assume it suits her and she enjoys being with them too? You don’t have to be overly involved in their relationship as grandparent and child if she is trustworthy to keep them safe. I would be more concerned with fixing my relationship with my husband than her, are the issues centralised around your lack of a relationship with her, or completely unrelated? I guess that would help me decide if it was worth bothering or not.

I would massively distance myself from her. She has shown how she feels about you. The kids can carry on with their relationship with her but I wouldn’t bother trying to fix it with your mil

To be fair, as difficult as the relationship with your MIL sounds, I think your biggest problem is your DH.

Hell would freeze over before it would be acceptable for my DH to discuss marital issues with his mother!

Your DH’s frankness with his mother has probably been the driving force behind the increasing communication difficulties you are now experiencing with her. She likely feels empowered by him choosing her to talk to, as opposed to you.

Honestly, she sounds like a symptom of your problems with DH, as opposed to the cause.

What does your husband think here about his mother’s behaviours?. He is key here. Is he the sort who says, “well you know what she is like” etc.
If so, his own inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as the fear, obligation and guilt she instilled in him.

It also seems that you personally was manipulated by her into accepting her childcare. I would now find another provider, she is not an emotionally safe person to be around. Tell her that it would do the children good to be further socialised in a nursery or childminder setting.

If you find a relative too difficult/rude/batshit for You to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children too. She is also projecting what is really her own self onto her son, your now husband. What sort of relationship do these two have these days?.

Regardless of the status of her health I would distance both myself and the children from her. Children ideally should have emotionally healthy grandparents as role models. Would also suggest you read “Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward .

Ugh, she sounds hideous. And you're not cold for not wanting to discuss other people's holiday's, it just means you don't want to gossip. Reading what you have written I don't want anything more to do with your mother in law and I am pissed off at your husband for being such a two faced wet blanket. Good luck with all that OP, you can find a way through this, I'm sure.

2 things:

1. The classic: you have a DH problem vibes to mind. I would be hurt at DH not her. She can whine in his ear, but if he has communicated none of this to you, it's his fault really. No, she doesn't come across as great, but many MiLs aren't. And your are clearly quite different. I would be extremely hurt by DH's response but be careful not to turn hurt for his reactions into anger against her. You should be angry at him.

1. Does she have a point? Perhaps you are a bit lacking in warmth? Has this ever come up anywhere else? What kind of job do you have? Is there anything you can learn from what she's said? I'd be interested in what other children did in the holidays just as a point of connection with the person telling me and as ideas for my own children. It's not such a horrific thought. I know that was just an example but I think it sounds like you could make a bit more effort when she's doing you a lot of favours.

I think it is worrying that instead of trying to make your marriage work by telling your Dh to talk to you and be in your corner it would seem that she is trying to help it collapse. She possibly thinks that by removing you she would still have a lot of access to the children. I don't know how you feel about that.

You need to speak to your Dh and point that out. My Mum would often talk to my sister when she was having problems at the beginning of her marriage and and no stage did she ever throw her son in law under the bus, she listened to my sister rant and then talked to her about resolving the issues.

If you find a relative too difficult/rude/batshit for You to deal with, it’s the same deal for your children too I completely agree with this.

are the issues centralised around your lack of a relationship with her, or completely unrelated?

I don't think I've properly got to th bottom of what the issue is with DH. I thought we were rubbing along reasonably happily, but perhaps with not much romance.

He has said that there is a lack of affection and has identified a couple of day-to-day things I do that annoy him.

What upsets me is that he has been encouraged by MiL not to raise them with me as from what he has said so far they seem really fixable (eg that he gets stressed and anxious that the DC are generally ready for school/nursery dead on time to leave the house as he worries about being late- yet he never said to me "can we be ready 10 mins earlier so I don't feel stressed?")

Stop the childcare from her. The fact she may not be well is the perfect excuse. Keep friendly but distance and focus on your relationship with DH. Let him know that talking to her again about your relationship when he's not talking to you is a deal breaker.

Honestly, she sounds like a symptom of your problems with DH, as opposed to the cause.

This resonates with me. I've pointed out to DH that he can hardly blame me for being emotionally unavailable when every time I've asked him what is wrong or is making him unhappy he has just said that he is tired or stressed at work.

What does your husband think here about his mother’s behaviours?. He is key here.

His view is that she 'means well'. The penny doesn't yet seem to have dropped that a decent, caring response to "Mum, I'm worried about my relationship with Thistledew" should always have been "What does she say when you talk about it?" and not "Me too, she is so emotionally cold. I'm scared to talk to her as well".

What I'm undecided about is whether she is just pretty emotionally stunted and oblivious to the harm she was doing or whether it was driving a deliberate wedge.

So, over a long period of time, he has been confiding in his mother how unhappy he is and she has basically blamed you for everything? Now he has admitted all this to you, how on earth does he expect you do continue to have any kind of relationship with her?!
At least he's been honest, now, better late than never. You sound optimistic you can sort out the problems but are they all yours?
Sorry just questions, no answers.

Sorry, xposted.
I'd say you have a DH problem as much as a MIL problem. I'd feel massively disrespected knowing all this moaning about me was going on. Has he no idea how fragile your relationship with her is?
But on the positive side, at least it's now all in the open.

Does she have a point? Perhaps you are a bit lacking in warmth? Has this ever come up anywhere else? What kind of job do you have?

There is some truth in that. I'm introverted by nature. My job as a lawyer means I tend towards analysis and logic rather than emotional responses. But I'm kind. I never speak ill of anyone. I'm loyal and I try to demonstrate I care about people around me by my actions rather than effusive words.

I find MiL to be quite superficial in that way. She will react with gushing thanks if I do the simplest thing for her, whereas I see hanging her washing out when she is poorly as just something that family would do for each other and hardly needing a brief 'thanks'. It's just a different approach to life, but results in her feeling unappreciated when she has looked after her grandchild for a day when DH and I are working.

No. She sounds nasty and manipulative. I would give her a wide berth. Instinct tells me she won’t apologise or change

I'd be interested in what other children did in the holidays just as a point of connection with the person telling me and as ideas for my own children.

These are grown up children. I have no interest in what two adults that I have never met did in a part of the country I don't intend to visit, and especially when this is a conversation in the middle of my working day when my head is full of work issues.

I worry that if I drop contact with her now she will go around telling the rest of the family that since she has been ill to do childcare I have no use for her so I've dropped her. I think I will have to get in first with some other bits of the family and put my side across, even though I really hate badmouthing people behind their backs.

Don't 'get in there first' that will end in tears. Just ignore, smile, and move on. If anyone says anything it needs to be your DH.

OP, you do sound emotionally unavailable. Your last post is quite cold. It's a perfectly normal topic of conversation to talk of other family members and what's happening in their lives. Small talk.

I have no interest .....

That sounds horrible and egocentric.

She is being a listening ear to her son who is unhappy. That's where your problem lies, with him.

I have gone NC with mil after 30 years. She has a weird relationship with dh and was always nagging me to nag at him. When I didnt want to be in the middle and told her my boundaries she flipped her lid.

So you could try to recover the relationship but with firm boundaries. She isnt on your side, it seems. So you could be more sanitised with her. See her less, dont see her without dh.

I wish I had never tried talking about how my mil made me feel. She can not ever take any form of criticism I a should have known that. It would have been better in hindsight to ask her to talk to dh directly and nothing more and been less available to her.

It's really hard not turning into that self fulfilling prophecy where your the unreasonable bitch who is at fault for everything. I wouldnt try to fight to prove yourself. Just step a few steps away.

I think I will have to get in first with some other bits of the family and put my side across, even though I really hate badmouthing people behind their backs.

Please don't. You'll be playing into her hands if you're negative about her to other members of the family.

You're just two entirely different people. Neither of you are at fault in not 'clicking' with each other. Also, unlike a pp, I think you did have to bear in mind what she's going through with this possible cancer diagnosis. Ovarian is a shitty one. The may thing you want to do is add to her stress or be moaning about her to others, if the news is really bad.

I'm a logical introvert. But I'm also an effusive thanker. I struggle with people who blather on about people I don't know, but I'm touched by acts of kindness, even if it is just hanging up my washing.

Tbh, it's easier for you to make a bit more effort to show warmth and gratitude, than it is for her not to. If she's doing regular childcare, a bit of warmth and gratitude is surely a normal response?

Then I'd simply ask DH not to discuss your relationship with her again, and focus on the two of you trying to put it right.

@DancesWithTortoises

OP, you do sound emotionally unavailable. Your last post is quite cold. It's a perfectly normal topic of conversation to talk of other family members and what's happening in their lives. Small talk.

I have no interest .....

That sounds horrible and egocentric.

She is being a listening ear to her son who is unhappy. That's where your problem lies, with him.

That isn't horrible and egocentric. It is being centred in yourself without the need to talk about other people's lives. Or it's somewhere in the middle of those two things in some grey area that we can't possibly judge.

That isn't horrible and egocentric. It is being centred in yourself without the need to talk about other people's lives.

Isn't being centred in yourself pretty much the definition of egocentric?