Relationship with MiL recoverable?

[Thistledew]

I honestly don't know whether it is worth it to even try.

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 8. No major conflicts in our relationship at all but admittedly with a now 5 yr old DC who has always been particularly demanding of attention and now a 17 month old we have let things slide so we are not as affectionate and emotionally close as we once were.

I did get on well with MiL to start with, but once DC1 came along we spent more time together as she (at her request) did help us out a lot with childcare, I found her company more and more uncomfortable.

I put a lot of it down to differences in communication- she is far more of an emotional communicator and my primary instinct is to focus on facts and logic. She communicates very frequently with statements rather than questions so by the time I've worked out what she really was intending to ask, the moment has moved on, she is put out because I've not responded in the way she was hoping and I'm left drained by having to second guess her. This is just by way of an illustration to try and convey why I constantly feel on edge in her presence. I also find her quite judgmental and resistant to seeing things from a different perspective.

Despite this I've done my best to welcome her as part of the family. My DC love her and she has this summer given us a lot of her time in childcare. I acknowledge that she doesn't have the relationship she would like with a DiL but I can't seem to change her expectations of me being someone that she can waffle on to about what her friends children have done on holiday.

It has now come to light that DH has felt that our relationship has not been good for some time. That there are things he feels are really not working well. He has been bottling these up, even when I have asked him directly what's wrong.

One of the reasons that he hasn't talked these out with me is that his mother has been dripping in his ear how emotionally unavailable I am, how everyone finds me cold and unfriendly, how I'm rude and ungrateful, how I don't have time for anyone but the children and myself. In the many times he has spoken to her about how he feels unhappy with certain aspects of our relationship she has not once suggested that he speak to me about them. Apparently, and in the absence of any evidence to suggest the fears are well founded, she, and then he, have been 'scared' to confront me about these issues.

I'm really hurt, and furious that she has been so poisonous in our relationship. I think DH and I will be ok but we do need to communicate better.

The only thing stopping me refusing to have any thing more to do with her is that she currently is not at all well, and is waiting for the outcome of investigations into ovarian cancer.

Apart from that, it is worth my while trying to recover any sort of relationship with her?

I think this is more onMil than anything

She’s actively trying to destroy her sons marriage

Counsellor as a priority and a continuing process of reminding him that the complaints he’s making aren’t truthful and he’s being manipulated

Ask him to not Discuss you with her atm, she’s got plenty of other things that will keep her busy, but causing issues between you isn’t going to be helpful to anyone during this really difficult period.

@billy1966

OP,

I think you are being gaslit by him.

I think he sounds truly awful.

I also think screw marriage counselling.

You need to see someone on your own.

Your husband and his mother have formed a lovely little bullying gang where they both agree you are awful.

How nice for them.

You need to find your anger.

He sounds truly awful.

Let him sort out his nother while you sort out a separation.

Protect yourself from their bullying.

Totally agree with this. Particularly

Let him sort out his nother while you sort out a separation.

How much does he, in practice, help his mother in the way you seem to be doing? 🌹

Wtf?! Sounds like you married your frenemy... You know, the one who tells you how shit you are, then makes out like they are helping you be a better person

It was quite odd. He has never behaved in that way before. It was very out of character, which does give me hope that the relationship is salvageable.

@Blackbird2020

To be fair, as difficult as the relationship with your MIL sounds, I think your biggest problem is your DH.

Hell would freeze over before it would be acceptable for my DH to discuss marital issues with his mother!

Your DH’s frankness with his mother has probably been the driving force behind the increasing communication difficulties you are now experiencing with her. She likely feels empowered by him choosing her to talk to, as opposed to you.

Honestly, she sounds like a symptom of your problems with DH, as opposed to the cause.

I agree with this to large extent.. she may have grown the problem but it began with your DH discussing this with her & not realising a) the negativity she would bring, and b) taking her advice on not approaching you about it.

I suppose first and foremost the question is do you want to rekindle your marriage with your DH. That’s more important than your MIL! Once you’ve figured that out, if it’s staying together, I think you both need to decide together what the relationship and dynamic will be with your MIL & your family.

The other thing I thought of was to confront her, after you have decided what you want from your marriage. You could take that approach and take no bullshit and make it clear you will not stand for her driving your family apart. You will need your husbands support for that so you’d still need to start with repairing things for the two of you.
Good luck xox

It seems I have a bigger DH problem than I first thought.

We were due to visit his dad yesterday (DH's parents are a long time and amicably divorced, and often socialise together). Just as we were leaving the house DH announces that his mother will be there too.

I only got in the car because DS (age 5) was suddenly very reluctant to go but I was furious and upset with DH in equal measure.

In the end, I wasn't faced with socialising with MiL as DS fell asleep in the car, and when he woke he refused point blank to get out and go into the house. He seemed quite genuinely distressed by the idea, not just throwing a strop, so I ended up taking him home.

I did have a brief conversation with FiL's partner, who was really lovely. She said that she often finds MiL over the top and thinks she needs to get a hobby other than dwelling on any minor slight. She reassured me that what MiL had said to DH about the family finding me cold and unapproachable wasn't true.

DH and I did talk after we were all home and the DC in bed and he acknowledged that he had fucked up by not talking to me about MiL being there, but I feel we've now got a lot of trust to regain.

One MiL update, if anyone is still reading.

We had a conversation a week or so ago to try to clear the air. I won't go into all the details now, save to say that I felt it was of limited use as she continually denied or deflected the examples I was trying to give of times when we were at odds in communicating. I wasn't accusing her in any way of unhelpful or unpleasant behaviour, just trying to highlight times when we had a completely different take on a situation and through poor communication we both came away puzzled and hurt at the other's behaviour. My aim was just to demonstrate how we have very different approaches at times and so conflict is almost inevitable unless we are really conscious of this. Her response was constantly to deny any knowledge of those events or conversations occurring, which I found unhelpful. However, she reported back to DH that our conversation had gone very well and that she felt very positive for us mending our relationship.

So it is a bit odd, maybe, that for my birthday this week her present to me was a couple of frozen partridges? Not even fancy prepared ones, just plain plucked and gutted.

I think it might be an attempt at a joke as she gave me a pear tree last year, but she's not usually known for being a joker. I really don't know what to make of it. I wasn't expecting her to give me anything at all.

Its not you, its your DH and his disordered of thinking mother. Women like your MIL cannot do relationships at all nor do they apologise or even accept any responsibility for their actions. Attempting to clear the air with such people is a waste of time because they are not listening and the only opinion that matters is their own.

She is a really crap gift giver and has likely given you something you have no real use for or of. What does you DH think of you being given a pair of frozen partridges?. She's given you what she thinks you should have and its no joke on her part. She lacks empathy so she does not know what you want or like and, evidently, she does not care either; second, she thinks her opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so she'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said previously.

Your DH seems to be also using you as some sort of buffer between his mother and you as a way of protecting his own self from her. He cannot or will not deal with her at all and putting you in her direct line is his way of dealing with this problem. His own ongoing inertia when it comes to his mother hurts him as well as you and he could certainly do with seeing a therapist. He also seems mired in fear, obligation and guilt and he remains far more afraid of her than he ever is of you. He perhaps thinks the sky will fall in on him if his mother gets "upset" because he still wants her approval even now (approval she is unlikely to give him).

What do you know about your MIL in terms of family background, that often gives clues.

@saraclara

I'm just curious. There are so many threads on here where MNers have really close relationships with their mothers. Does no one here ever share their relationship concerns with their mother?

I never have, but it's because I have a really poor relationship with her. But I'm sure that friends have, if I'm recalling past conversations correctly.

Is it one of those things that if a partner does it, it's disloyal, but if we do it, it's 'needing a shoulder to cry on'?

I have done it, and bitterly regret it because she remembers every little thing and adds it to the long list of “stuff my good for nothing son in law has done to my darling daughter”. Minor stuff like “hasn’t cleaned the bathroom and it’s his turn”, not affairs or financial abuse.

I went NC with her for a while because she was trying to get me to leave him because he was having a hard time emotionally after his DM passed away and I had a miscarriage in a short space of time. I now never talk to her about our relationship, and DH doesn’t really interact with her.

OP, your DH needs to stop discussing your relationship with her as of today. It might be ok with some parents, but for whatever reason the way he discusses it with her is poisonous. Might be her fault, might be his, either way it has to stop if he wants to save your marriage. He can’t spend the next twenty years listening to her telling him to leave you, and expect you to have a decent relationship with her.