Bf lied about why he couldn’t come out with me tonight AIBU to be upset?

[flowersrain1]

I’m out tonight for a friend’s birthday in Manchester (30 min train journey from where I live). My bf of six months was invited but declined, saying he didn’t really have enough money - money has been tight for us both this month as we were away last weekend to celebrate my mum’s 60th and we booked a last minute break to go away next week. That was fine with me - I’m pretty independent and happy to go alone and I appreciate that last weekend was probably a lot for him.

Bf has social anxiety which he has been open about with me from the beginning. I never put any pressure on him to come to events with me, although he does more often than not. He did really well at my mum’s 60th last weekend, chatting to people and socialising - you’d never have known he had an issue with it. He did tell me he found it tiring though.

Anyway, this morning we were in bed and he was messaging his friend about coming over this weekend evening. He showed me a message the friend sent about not being able to get petrol and earlier up the chat bf suggested getting a takeaway tonight.

So he can afford a takeaway this evening but not a train ticket to Manchester (max £15) and a couple of drinks (which would be non alcoholic as he doesn’t really drink and therefore not expensive?)

I have no problem with him not wanting to come with me this evening, I just wish he’d been honest and not used money as an excuse. I pulled him up on it and he said the friend would be buying the takeaway but I think he has just said that to appease me.

AIBU to be upset that he lied about the reason he wasnt able to come with me? Honesty and transparency is important to me in a relationship and I feel he has violated that a bit really.

Yabu. Give him a break

I can see why it bothers you.

But when you have anxiety, it's often hard to say 'I don't feel up to it' so easy to come up with excuses.

But also chipping in for a takeaway is different to a traditional ticket and few drinks. Even non alcoholic ones. That's likely to be about £25.

But also, going out when you don't have a lot of money can be a bit shit. Staying in with a friend and splitting a pizza when a bit skint, feels fine. Or at least for me. When I go out, I don't want to be worrying about wether I can afford another drink or not.

A takeaway at a friend's house (even if they split the cost) is going to be much cheaper than a night out in Manchester including train travel!

So not sure why you think he is lying ... that might be the genuine reason. And even if it's a white lie because he just didn't fancy it, it hardly seems worth getting upset about.

YABU. And sound like hard work. If he’s got limited cash, why shouldn’t he spend it getting a takeaway with his friend rather than spending more than he can afford on a night out for your friend.

You’re overreacting

I think you have missed the point OP.

Its not the money he obviously would prefer to stay in! Considering he made the effort for the last recent celebration I would apologise to your BF and let it go.

Even if you'd prefer it, bluntly saying "I don't want to go to your friend's party" feels rude, no?

And even if he could technically afford to go I wouldn't blame him for wanting to save his money for something he'll actively enjoy.

I think you are being unreasonable, even if he just had a couple of drinks he would probably end up buying more for others, he struggles with socialising and May just have needed some down time.

He made himself go to a 60th to please you. Even when it exhausted him.

I can understand that he wouldn’t want to put himself through another stressful night to please you again so soon.

Add to that he’d probably like to buy rounds and wouldn’t have the money and I can’t say I blame him.

I don’t think he’s lying to you. I think you aren’t listening to him when he tells you who he is. What have you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone to do for him so far?

Give him a break. Honestly. You sound like hard work..you can't know for sure whether he's saying it to appease you. I think you're overreacting.

You're being extremely touchy, poor sod.

The other thing to consider is, that he didn't hide any of this from you. So he obviously doesn't feel like he is lying.

He spent last weekend with your f&f so it's ok to spend this weekend with his own f&f
Why does he not feel he can say 'no, I'm going to go out with my friends this weekend''. I think he met your family last weekend. He should feel free to say 'no, going to do my own thing this weekend'.

YABU.

YABU

Takeaways such as mcD, Fish and Chips etc can be less than a tenner between two

Train fare, drinks, maybe entrance to a club (who knows where the night will take you) could easily be £50 plus he'd be expected to buy the bday girl a drink and maybe a round

Massive over reaction

Really dislike the use of 'lie', as well. For one thing, I don't think he did 'lie' - he'd clearly factored the takeaway into his budget and that was why he couldn't come out with you as well. He came to your mum's 60th, for crying out loud. Stop hectoring him.

I wouldn’t be annoyed. He has limited money and can use it how he pleases. Maybe he wants to treat himself to a takeaway and can’t afford both.

'I pulled him up on it and he said the friend would be buying the takeaway but I think he has just said that to appease me.'

I've got the bit between my teeth now. I actually think you sound nightmarish - 'pulling him up' on things, indeed. I certainly wouldn't be trying to appease you, and I'd remind myself how well that worked out for Chamberlain.

A takeaway can be a tenner or less. I guarantee you'll end up spending more than £10 on a night out!

God I missed the bit about you "pulling him up on it".

You sound like an utter nightmare.

I also don't think he lied. And I really don't think he needed to come with you to a friends birthday the weekend after spending the entire weekend with you and your family. He probably just wanted to see his friend, or chill out on his own. You've only been together for six months! No need to do everything together all the time!

Violated the honest and trust of the relationship? Ffs, give him peace.

You sound like very hard work.

You sound very hard work

Proabably wants to watch the boxing with his mate instead of being dragged around a load of pretentious cocktail/hipster bars in Manchester with hsi girlfreind and her pals.

Can't say I blame him, really.

YABU

Boyfriend of 6 months might not want to hang out with your friends and family all the time.
I'd rather have a root canal than do things like that.

You seem really social. Him not so much.