Bf lied about why he couldn’t come out with me tonight AIBU to be upset?

[flowersrain1]

I’m out tonight for a friend’s birthday in Manchester (30 min train journey from where I live). My bf of six months was invited but declined, saying he didn’t really have enough money - money has been tight for us both this month as we were away last weekend to celebrate my mum’s 60th and we booked a last minute break to go away next week. That was fine with me - I’m pretty independent and happy to go alone and I appreciate that last weekend was probably a lot for him.

Bf has social anxiety which he has been open about with me from the beginning. I never put any pressure on him to come to events with me, although he does more often than not. He did really well at my mum’s 60th last weekend, chatting to people and socialising - you’d never have known he had an issue with it. He did tell me he found it tiring though.

Anyway, this morning we were in bed and he was messaging his friend about coming over this weekend evening. He showed me a message the friend sent about not being able to get petrol and earlier up the chat bf suggested getting a takeaway tonight.

So he can afford a takeaway this evening but not a train ticket to Manchester (max £15) and a couple of drinks (which would be non alcoholic as he doesn’t really drink and therefore not expensive?)

I have no problem with him not wanting to come with me this evening, I just wish he’d been honest and not used money as an excuse. I pulled him up on it and he said the friend would be buying the takeaway but I think he has just said that to appease me.

AIBU to be upset that he lied about the reason he wasnt able to come with me? Honesty and transparency is important to me in a relationship and I feel he has violated that a bit really.

You're massively overreacting. Why assume he's lying? No way does a takeaway cost as much as a full night out, including transport, drinks, drink for the birthday girl, club, possibly a takeaway and transport home again.
You sound like hard work.

You're overreacting. He doesn't want to spend loads of money on a night out with your friends, and has said so. That's not lying.

Also, after only 6 months he has already been roped into going to a family event (which most people hate) even though he has social anxiety. It may be too much for him to go to your friends birthday, with all your friends who he doesn't know. He just wants to hang out with his mate.

Chill out. You may say you don't put pressure on him, but you've already 'pulled him up' on something totally minor. You are expecting waaay too much from a 6 month relationship.

I cuold get takeaway for a fiver not realy the same

i also have anxiety i cant cope on too many big nights out

YABU

@DoncasterHombre

Proabably wants to watch the boxing with his mate instead of being dragged around a load of pretentious cocktail/hipster bars in Manchester with hsi girlfreind and her pals.

Can't say I blame him, really.

What a weird assumption. Maybe they want to stream some National Theatre online

But yeah, a takeaway and a night out do not cost the same and I can understand why he wouldn’t be keen.

Even if he only drinks soft drinks, most people would find it rude for him not to offer to buy a round or two.

Ultimately, it’s up to him how he spends his money. It’s understandable that he doesn’t want to spend every penny he has left this month on a night out.

When money is tight, you can’t do everything.

you invited a guy with social anxiety to a random person he doesnt even knows birthday party in the city. Hes already been out last week with you and is going out next week with you.
Saying you cant afford something means you cant justify it in your budget relative to how much you fancy it. Its completely different to spending £20 on a takeaway with one of his mates. He still has to eat.

I think you should give him a break. Its not even a lie.

Proabably wants to stream some National Theatre online with his mate instead of being dragged around a load of pretentious cocktail/hipster bars in Manchester with hsi girlfreind and her pals.

Can't say I blame him, really.

He hasn't lied at all, what's wrong with you?

He has a set amount of money, and with that, he decided that he was able to do take away with his mate, but not another one of your social events.

That's totally fine, it's his money and he can make whatever financial priority he wants! That doesn't mean that he has lied!

You are basically pissy because you think that any money he does have for social things, should be spent on you. Poor guy, you sound like a right nightmare!

@DoncasterHombre

Proabably wants to stream some National Theatre online with his mate instead of being dragged around a load of pretentious cocktail/hipster bars in Manchester with hsi girlfreind and her pals.

Can't say I blame him, really.

@DragonDoor

tips hat

A takeaway is way cheaper than a night out. The train fare alone is more than the cost of a takeaway.

I enjoy going out but sometimes I just want to stay home and relax on my own or with a friend and there’s nothing wrong with that. He hasn’t lied about the money situation as you said you’ve both spent out recently and he’s not been rude saying he doesn’t want to hang out with you and your friends.
Carry on being independent and remember that you don’t have to spend every evening together.

I think you’re being ridiculous.

YABU

You sound desperate and clingy

He probably needed a break from you

YABU. I’d really look at your behaviour and how much you see a future with him because I’d be looking at getting out a relationship with someone who is how your OP comes across.

You saw him last weekend, you're going away together next weekend, you were in bed together this morning so you obviously see a lot of each other and only been together 6 months and he's socially anxious? YABU and a bit needy to be honest.

No deceit here, he just wants a night in with his mate and a takeaway. You’ve said he did well socialising last weekend despite it being a big deal for him. He fibbed to spare your feelings.

@Ginger1982

You saw him last weekend, you're going away together next weekend, you were in bed together this morning so you obviously see a lot of each other and only been together 6 months and he's socially anxious? YABU and a bit needy to be honest.

This.

But a take away is cheaper!

You're incredibly demanding and controlling.

I think you’re being unreasonable but you know that now.

Bigger picture though. You clearly enjoy socialising. Do you really want a future with someone with social anxiety? I’ll be honest I simply could not. It just sounds like you’re not all that well matched.

You might be mismatched

Maybe he's doing what he would prefer to do and I don't quite know what the lie is.
travel costs aside potentially a cab here and there too. Mocktails are a fortune as are soft drinks. A take away not so much. Yabvu

Struggling to see how he's lied, by any interpretation.

But I don't think this relationship has legs. You're an extrovert, he's a strong introvert. You're going to find each other really draining if this continues. And I don't believe people can change their essential nature in this regard - they might push themselves out of their confort zone temporarily, as your BF did for you last weekend, but then they will pay the price.

Takeaway sounds cheaper than the night out, but if he didn’t want to go to Manc anyway of course it’d seem too expensive. Sometimes it’s hard to say ‘I don’t want to go’. I’d say cut him some slack on this.

Are you a controlling person?